What pissed me off so much!

Let's keep this short and simple. This is the third iteration of this post. One I wrote last night that I took down for personal reasons for a rewrite, and then lost due to a computer crash. Another that I wrote when I was angry and caused a heated debate and too much drama and also got a bit off topic. So I've calmed down and am trying again.
I have recently been contacted by two separate individuals with variations on the same suggestion: Try bottoming. The second person then agreed that I should make a journal entry to 'see what others think.' Otherwise this is something I'd rather just keep to myself anyway, so if it gets to be too heated again I'll simply take it down again.
The reasons for the suggestion are well-intentioned, and I am not angry at the people that have suggested it to me. It's true: how I am seen is not how I want to be seen. I am not respected. I have little experience that others know about, and even less experience that they don't know about. Many Dominants, especially in the old days when things were more formal, 'learned from the bottom' and earned their respect that way, so it's totally a reasonable suggestion.
I'm all for that and the benefits that it has given them. It's simply not for me.
There are certain things that make up the submissive mindset that I can understand and empathize with, but do not desire for myself, and do not feel for myself. Submissives are very strong, to be able to give of themselves and sacrifice in the ways that they do. I sacrifice in other ways.
I'm not close-minded. I tried bottoming once. I stopped the scene after the very first hit. I am simply not masochistic. There is no joy, no endorphin rush, nothing. In my opinion, there's no point.
Outside of masochistic play, I could potentially bottom/submit, but I'd be faking. Time and again, from multiple sources, comes the advice "don't do it unless you mean it." My heart would not be in the submissive role. I'd be playacting. I'd be faking. It would be a waste of time. I could go through the mechanics of being tied up, of following orders, etc. I would not enjoy it. I would simply be learning technical skills that I could learn in other ways anyway. Again, it would simply be a waste of time.
There is the potential that I could romantically fall in love with some woman and tap into my giving nature to become her submissive instead of her Dominant, so long as my lack of masochism was respected, etc. I don't preclude the possibility. I understand what a submissive feels, and they're good feelings, or lead to good consequences. Most of the time, in a healthy relationship, etc. It is, however, not something I want or seek. And I have the right to want what I want. If it happens it happens, but why settle for something I don't want when I could spend the time working to get what I'd rather have instead? If I went into a relationship like that, there would always be a part of me wondering and wishing and regretting that I never got to be the Dominant I'd rather be. So even if I did give it my all, I wouldn't be giving it my all. If that makes sense.
I just don't see it having any long-term positive effects that I can't get by being an open-minded advice-seeking giving caring and nurturing Dominant that I am naturally.
I'm not masochistic, but I do, however, try certain sensations on myself. I will hit myself with paddles, floggers, even whips, etc. Electricity, candle wax. The things I'm interested in doing to another, mainly. I don't try them all. Take for instance needles. I will never consensually let those things anywhere near me. I'm also not terribly interested in doing it to someone else either. But if I had a partner that wanted to try needles, I'd of course let them try it, with someone else.
If it got to the point where she really liked it and wanted me to do it to her, I would research carefully, and learn everything I could about it and the first few times would be under supervision of someone who knew what they were doing and could stop me if I mess up. But still, never would I actually try them on myself. Well I won't say never, but there would be a very strong inclination not to. Same goes for a lot of other things that are 'soft limits' that I'd be willing to do if she wanted me to, but otherwise am quite happy without.
The point I'm making is there's plenty of ways to learn both the technical and the more emotional side of the entire D/s dynamic than by bottoming myself. Yes, I get that there are plenty of people out there who learned that way. Ms Jan comes to mind as one who started out submissive and became a very respected dominant. That's them. It's not me.
I am an empathic person. I can read body language, to an extent, and if I had a long term partner I can only assume I'd get to know them even more. Communication is also important, if I couldn't communicate with my partner we probably wouldn't be partners, much less scening. (Such has actually happened recently, someone I couldn't communicate with, we broke up after only 3 weeks.)
Now I do admit that there are several things about me that are submissive. I am a very giving person. Cuddly, affectionate. I have an insecurity problem, normally if you see any insecurity in D/s, it's almost always in a sub that you see it (not that every sub's insecure by any stretch of the imagination). However Doms can be insecure too, especially when they're just starting. A previous commenter confirmed I'm not the only one in that boat.
I am shy and hesitant in social situations. I'm becoming less so. I'm an internal person by nature so the progress is also internal and therefore hard to see, especially among those who do not know me. I've always blogged. I blog more than I used to. I've opened up and have had private conversations with more people in the last 3 months than I have in the last 3 years.
I get that I come off submissive. That doesn't mean that I am one. I write about this in my article Noun vs Adjective as well.
My previous post concluded with the main point I was trying to make: "Ultimately, if my demeanor and body language doesn't come off as Dominant, then it's my demeanor and body language that needs to change, not my identity as a Dominant."
This is the entire goal that I have right now. Be more social. Be more secure. Stop slouching, stand up straight. Show confidence. Join in conversation.
Basically, the attitude I'm taking is I'm going to train myself the same way I'd train some other submissive. Ultimately the barrier is that I have to submit to myself and follow my own advice. That's hard for me for other reasons I won't get into here. But the point I'm making is that I'm already better and still improving.
My philosophy in life is to never stop improving. I may improve very slowly, but I make it a point to neither stand still, nor backtrack. Always learn, always improve, and there's always room for improvement.
So again, my focus right now is on changing my demeanor and body language and associated social skills so I will stop coming off the way I come off.
A previous commenter had this reply to my statement of "Ultimately, if my demeanor and body language doesn't come off as Dominant, then it's my demeanor and body language that needs to change, not my identity as a Dominant.":

IMHO, wrong again, kiddo. Where do you think your actions come from? Unless you have truly just been an actor at every single event you've been coming to, unless everything is just a manufactured, prescribed showcase instead of you, then your actions COME FROM YOUR IDENTITY. No, your demeanor and body language DON'T come off as Dominant. They come off as someone who wants to be dominant but doesn't know what the - they are doing. You come off as an insecure dominant who is looking for something to solidify themselves. You come off as someone looking for validation from the community. You come off as weak, self-serving, arrogant, and stubborn. Never once have I looked at you and go "Oh, he's dominant!"

So, do you really think that the way you ACT needs to change -- or do you think your IDENTITY needs to change?

Meditate on the advice that has been given. Meditate on your failures. Meditate on this: "Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

Another commenter had this reply:

Communicating dominance has more to do with being secure in one's identity, sure of one's choices, and in filling a role in another's life.

Control instead your environment, and yourself with a sense of decorum and security in your identity

As you can see, responses vary as well. I'm more inclined to follow with the second commenter though. Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over. Not being. Therefore I need to change what I do, not what I am.
And finally, another commenter:

Your hubris sickens me. Your stubbornness repulses me. Your narcissism worries me. Your insecurity excites pity from me. Your willful ignorance saddens me. Your naivety shames me. Your arrogance angers me. Your complete lack of understanding frustrates me. Your hypocrisy infuriates me.

Your desperation amuses me.

Your position on this has cost you my respect.

I understand. Hubris comes from anger, which I have tried to tone down or remove in this rewrite. Stubborness is only on the issues I believe boil down to 'right vs wrong' and 'better vs worse.' I'm flexible about most else, or I believe I am. My narcissism worries me too. I'm already working on my insecurity.
My ignorance saddens me as well. I assume my ignorance is not exactly willful however, as I'm blind to how I'm exhibiting it. And therefore ignorant. Advice focusing on that would be appreciated.
Naivety, however, is a matter of opinion. Hopefully I have expressed myself better in this rewrite. But if that's what you think of me, then so be it. My arrogance comes from anger in the first place; again, hopefully I've toned that down as well. My arrogance shames and frustrates me and as I've mentioned before, it is one of my own great sorrows that I have it at all, and it reminds me of my father.
Understanding's a two way street, but in both directions the lack of it frustrates me as well. And I'm not sure what to do about my hypocrisy. Everyone's a hypocrite about something. I try to take care what I'm a hypocrite about and when I can, I work to undercut and remove it so I am no longer one. Most of the time though, it's something I'm unfortunately blind to as well.
My desperation depresses me. It makes me want to give up. It's those two things, desperation and depression, that I fight hardest. I seek a balance between the two, threading the needle, so that I can accept that I am both while being neither and can make my way in spite of those feelings.
And if I've lost your respect, so be it. You have not lost mine. Perhaps it's arrogance, but ultimately I have to be myself. And be the best self that I can be. If one can't see that I am a good person, and trying and struggling in the only way I know how, and chooses not to associate with me because of that, then that's on them, not on me.
I am what I am and be what I be
and what you get is what you see
so if you don't like it, and want to flee,
then that's just you and I'm just me.


-----------------------------------

I commented :

I'm amazed at the ignorance coming from your peers.
Confidence has nothing to do with how dominant a person is at all. And I have met my share of shy dominants.
I mean, shyness, lack of confidence, and submission are three totally different things, and I don't see how people can confuse them.
Shyness:
I may be shy at munches, or when meeting new people, but that's because I'm an introvert, it doesn't mean I have no confidence. I am very confident in how I act, how I behave and speak. As a submissive I know 100% that the only person I have to answer to is my Master. If I upset someone else, that's not my problem if I was following orders. They can either take it up with my Master, or get over it.
Confidence:
If I'm unsure of myself, my orders, protocols, whatever I might be unsure about, I shame my Master. It is my duty to be calm, level-headed, and to know what I'm talking about when I open my mouth. In fact, my seventh rule is that I will be confident and keep my head up.
Submission:
If the submissives in your area are all shy, non-confident, shuffling silent little robots, then your area has some problems, and I'm a little worried about them.
It sounds to me like the suggestion for you to be a submissive came from a group of dominant individuals who have some misunderstandings about what it takes to be a submissive. Your role is your choice, and I would like to remind you that D/s isn't for everyone. You could just be a Top if you don't want someone under you, or you could just be kinky. I know several people in my area who just aren't interested in that type of relationship, and I don't blame them, it takes a lot of trust, a lot of commitment, and a hell of a lot of work. But if it's something you want, then go for it! Don't let these people who don't know anything about you tell you what your role or place in the community is, that's just ridiculous.
Sorry about the book I've written, but some of the thing that were said to you were just wrong, and it really got under my skin.
good luck with ... dealing with these people who think they know what's best for you. The only person who can make your decisions and live your life is you, because you're the one who has to live with the consequences.
Emily


------------------------------I was "called out"  with:

@Dpolter,
Regarding your statement:

Don't let these people who don't know anything about you tell you what your role or place in the community is, that's just ridiculous.

Obviously i don't know you but you just stated that one of your rules is

to know what I'm talking about when I open my mouth

But clearly in this situation you do not have a clue. No one, until now, knows that I was one of the people that suggested this to Thortok. I have known him personally in the community for several months. He has been welcomed into my home and my life on a personal level beyond just an acquaintance at a munch. I consider myself to be a close friend to him. I also happen to know that others that commented on his previous post know him on a very personal level.
My point being, you should choose your words and think before you go assuming something that you could not possibly know. Otherwise, you insult others absentmindedly and shame your master.

--------------------
I wanted to respond:
I apologize, Cheshire. You're totally right, I should rephrase that.

    *Don't let these people who don't know anything about you* **[r desires and goals for yourself and your life]** *tell you what your role or place in the community is, that's just ridiculous.*

------------------------(I didn't say this.) A later comment by the author of the post states:

 As -randomdudesnamehere- indicates, once you get past my 'barrier' I'm a completely different person. That person, which even you, Chessie, have not yet 'met', is much more like anotherpersonwhoissuperdomly. To be more correct, is much more like ME.

-------------------------at which point the person who attacked me basically says "ok whatever, bye" ---
I feel like I'm owed an apology and I'm so pissed that she personally attacked my character when I said nothing bad about her. Also, she used what I said somewhat out of context in an attempt to discourage my expression of support of the author.

It's obvious he's upset, and I was simply trying to show support. I don't understand how these "friends" of his can push him to do something he wouldn't want to do and attack others who are trying to support him and still say they're his friends.


---I'd really appreciate Your support on this. It would mean a LOT to me.