Daddy got me brownie mix because He promised. We got wine at a store and I don't like it, I can taste alcohol really strongly in everything somehow, and it always messes up the best drinks so I can't enjoy them.
I've been so grumpy and I don't know why. Maybe it's that time again, not my period, but like how every few months I get defiant and won't listen to my Daddy. I hate this feeling, but every time He asks me to do something I feel like it's unfair, because I'm in the middle of something just like He is... and I know that I'm the submissive, but somehow I feel indignant that He's telling me what to do and everything.
Jessi hasn't really been talking to me. I figured she'd message me on fetlife or something, but no news from her. Kinda weird considering how much she said she wanted desperately to be involved in our lives, and with our family. Keep hoping she'll send a message and ask how we're doing or something.
Munch on the 4th.
We're supposed to go to the flea market tomorrow, so I hope we done sleep late :) I guess we'll buy stuff for the Halloween party if we can find anything.
Daddy wants to set another party toward the end of September. So that when I send out monthly calendar stuff for the group, there will be more than just the munch. I have to send those out sometimes soon. There are thoughts about having an after-party, as well but I'm not sure, haven't run it by Master yet.
Been drinking a lot of water lately. Had two cokes today, though. We'll have to see if I get worse dehydrated. I've been picking my lips like mad, and drinking water hasn't helped. My lip split yesterday and it hurts like mad.
Oh, I've been reading Alice in Wonderland, and The Hobbit.
I think it would be really neat if Master would present me with a page from my puzzle book before He leaves work with instructions that I have it done before He return home. He could take the rest of the book with Him, so that I wouldn't have access to the answers.
I don't think I should have the standing orders of making my bed, and having an overnight bag in the car if they're not going to be enforced. I'm not upset, I was just thinking about it today.
I need a way to remember to make sure Master takes His lunch with Him. Maybe if there was some type of penalty for forgetting, or maybe a penalty depending on how long I took to remember that I forgot, but that might not be helpful, really.
Penny is sick, it's getting pretty bad. We need to take her to the vet, or get some more medicine this week, at least.
Master has been asked to train a friend's boyfriend how to be a dominant, and safely play with people as well. He accepted. They'll be here on Friday.
He works Saturday, but not until then.
The munch is Sunday.
Major is spending the week here, now. I wish I'd known that Master invited him here the whole fucking week. I'm ok right now, but I'm bored still and can't do this the whole week. It's going to end badly. Especially with Major being so damn grumpy lately, and my mood swings. and I have more of those weird feelings that I always bug Master about that don't bother Him.
Let's keep this short and simple. This is the third iteration of this post. One I wrote last night that I took down for personal reasons for a rewrite, and then lost due to a computer crash. Another that I wrote when I was angry and caused a heated debate and too much drama and also got a bit off topic. So I've calmed down and am trying again.
I have recently been contacted by two separate individuals with variations on the same suggestion: Try bottoming. The second person then agreed that I should make a journal entry to 'see what others think.' Otherwise this is something I'd rather just keep to myself anyway, so if it gets to be too heated again I'll simply take it down again.
The reasons for the suggestion are well-intentioned, and I am not angry at the people that have suggested it to me. It's true: how I am seen is not how I want to be seen. I am not respected. I have little experience that others know about, and even less experience that they don't know about. Many Dominants, especially in the old days when things were more formal, 'learned from the bottom' and earned their respect that way, so it's totally a reasonable suggestion.
I'm all for that and the benefits that it has given them. It's simply not for me.
There are certain things that make up the submissive mindset that I can understand and empathize with, but do not desire for myself, and do not feel for myself. Submissives are very strong, to be able to give of themselves and sacrifice in the ways that they do. I sacrifice in other ways.
I'm not close-minded. I tried bottoming once. I stopped the scene after the very first hit. I am simply not masochistic. There is no joy, no endorphin rush, nothing. In my opinion, there's no point.
Outside of masochistic play, I could potentially bottom/submit, but I'd be faking. Time and again, from multiple sources, comes the advice "don't do it unless you mean it." My heart would not be in the submissive role. I'd be playacting. I'd be faking. It would be a waste of time. I could go through the mechanics of being tied up, of following orders, etc. I would not enjoy it. I would simply be learning technical skills that I could learn in other ways anyway. Again, it would simply be a waste of time.
There is the potential that I could romantically fall in love with some woman and tap into my giving nature to become her submissive instead of her Dominant, so long as my lack of masochism was respected, etc. I don't preclude the possibility. I understand what a submissive feels, and they're good feelings, or lead to good consequences. Most of the time, in a healthy relationship, etc. It is, however, not something I want or seek. And I have the right to want what I want. If it happens it happens, but why settle for something I don't want when I could spend the time working to get what I'd rather have instead? If I went into a relationship like that, there would always be a part of me wondering and wishing and regretting that I never got to be the Dominant I'd rather be. So even if I did give it my all, I wouldn't be giving it my all. If that makes sense.
I just don't see it having any long-term positive effects that I can't get by being an open-minded advice-seeking giving caring and nurturing Dominant that I am naturally.
I'm not masochistic, but I do, however, try certain sensations on myself. I will hit myself with paddles, floggers, even whips, etc. Electricity, candle wax. The things I'm interested in doing to another, mainly. I don't try them all. Take for instance needles. I will never consensually let those things anywhere near me. I'm also not terribly interested in doing it to someone else either. But if I had a partner that wanted to try needles, I'd of course let them try it, with someone else.
If it got to the point where she really liked it and wanted me to do it to her, I would research carefully, and learn everything I could about it and the first few times would be under supervision of someone who knew what they were doing and could stop me if I mess up. But still, never would I actually try them on myself. Well I won't say never, but there would be a very strong inclination not to. Same goes for a lot of other things that are 'soft limits' that I'd be willing to do if she wanted me to, but otherwise am quite happy without.
The point I'm making is there's plenty of ways to learn both the technical and the more emotional side of the entire D/s dynamic than by bottoming myself. Yes, I get that there are plenty of people out there who learned that way. Ms Jan comes to mind as one who started out submissive and became a very respected dominant. That's them. It's not me.
I am an empathic person. I can read body language, to an extent, and if I had a long term partner I can only assume I'd get to know them even more. Communication is also important, if I couldn't communicate with my partner we probably wouldn't be partners, much less scening. (Such has actually happened recently, someone I couldn't communicate with, we broke up after only 3 weeks.)
Now I do admit that there are several things about me that are submissive. I am a very giving person. Cuddly, affectionate. I have an insecurity problem, normally if you see any insecurity in D/s, it's almost always in a sub that you see it (not that every sub's insecure by any stretch of the imagination). However Doms can be insecure too, especially when they're just starting. A previous commenter confirmed I'm not the only one in that boat.
I am shy and hesitant in social situations. I'm becoming less so. I'm an internal person by nature so the progress is also internal and therefore hard to see, especially among those who do not know me. I've always blogged. I blog more than I used to. I've opened up and have had private conversations with more people in the last 3 months than I have in the last 3 years.
I get that I come off submissive. That doesn't mean that I am one. I write about this in my article Noun vs Adjective as well.
My previous post concluded with the main point I was trying to make: "Ultimately, if my demeanor and body language doesn't come off as Dominant, then it's my demeanor and body language that needs to change, not my identity as a Dominant."
This is the entire goal that I have right now. Be more social. Be more secure. Stop slouching, stand up straight. Show confidence. Join in conversation.
Basically, the attitude I'm taking is I'm going to train myself the same way I'd train some other submissive. Ultimately the barrier is that I have to submit to myself and follow my own advice. That's hard for me for other reasons I won't get into here. But the point I'm making is that I'm already better and still improving.
My philosophy in life is to never stop improving. I may improve very slowly, but I make it a point to neither stand still, nor backtrack. Always learn, always improve, and there's always room for improvement.
So again, my focus right now is on changing my demeanor and body language and associated social skills so I will stop coming off the way I come off.
A previous commenter had this reply to my statement of "Ultimately, if my demeanor and body language doesn't come off as Dominant, then it's my demeanor and body language that needs to change, not my identity as a Dominant.":
IMHO, wrong again, kiddo. Where do you think your actions come from? Unless you have truly just been an actor at every single event you've been coming to, unless everything is just a manufactured, prescribed showcase instead of you, then your actions COME FROM YOUR IDENTITY. No, your demeanor and body language DON'T come off as Dominant. They come off as someone who wants to be dominant but doesn't know what the - they are doing. You come off as an insecure dominant who is looking for something to solidify themselves. You come off as someone looking for validation from the community. You come off as weak, self-serving, arrogant, and stubborn. Never once have I looked at you and go "Oh, he's dominant!"
So, do you really think that the way you ACT needs to change -- or do you think your IDENTITY needs to change?
Meditate on the advice that has been given. Meditate on your failures. Meditate on this: "Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
Another commenter had this reply:
Communicating dominance has more to do with being secure in one's identity, sure of one's choices, and in filling a role in another's life.
Control instead your environment, and yourself with a sense of decorum and security in your identity
As you can see, responses vary as well. I'm more inclined to follow with the second commenter though. Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over. Not being. Therefore I need to change what I do, not what I am.
And finally, another commenter:
Your hubris sickens me. Your stubbornness repulses me. Your narcissism worries me. Your insecurity excites pity from me. Your willful ignorance saddens me. Your naivety shames me. Your arrogance angers me. Your complete lack of understanding frustrates me. Your hypocrisy infuriates me.
Your desperation amuses me.
Your position on this has cost you my respect.
I understand. Hubris comes from anger, which I have tried to tone down or remove in this rewrite. Stubborness is only on the issues I believe boil down to 'right vs wrong' and 'better vs worse.' I'm flexible about most else, or I believe I am. My narcissism worries me too. I'm already working on my insecurity.
My ignorance saddens me as well. I assume my ignorance is not exactly willful however, as I'm blind to how I'm exhibiting it. And therefore ignorant. Advice focusing on that would be appreciated.
Naivety, however, is a matter of opinion. Hopefully I have expressed myself better in this rewrite. But if that's what you think of me, then so be it. My arrogance comes from anger in the first place; again, hopefully I've toned that down as well. My arrogance shames and frustrates me and as I've mentioned before, it is one of my own great sorrows that I have it at all, and it reminds me of my father.
Understanding's a two way street, but in both directions the lack of it frustrates me as well. And I'm not sure what to do about my hypocrisy. Everyone's a hypocrite about something. I try to take care what I'm a hypocrite about and when I can, I work to undercut and remove it so I am no longer one. Most of the time though, it's something I'm unfortunately blind to as well.
My desperation depresses me. It makes me want to give up. It's those two things, desperation and depression, that I fight hardest. I seek a balance between the two, threading the needle, so that I can accept that I am both while being neither and can make my way in spite of those feelings.
And if I've lost your respect, so be it. You have not lost mine. Perhaps it's arrogance, but ultimately I have to be myself. And be the best self that I can be. If one can't see that I am a good person, and trying and struggling in the only way I know how, and chooses not to associate with me because of that, then that's on them, not on me.
I am what I am and be what I be
and what you get is what you see
so if you don't like it, and want to flee,
then that's just you and I'm just me.
-----------------------------------
I commented :
I'm amazed at the ignorance coming from your peers.
Confidence has nothing to do with how dominant a person is at all. And I have met my share of shy dominants.
I mean, shyness, lack of confidence, and submission are three totally different things, and I don't see how people can confuse them.
Shyness:
I may be shy at munches, or when meeting new people, but that's because I'm an introvert, it doesn't mean I have no confidence. I am very confident in how I act, how I behave and speak. As a submissive I know 100% that the only person I have to answer to is my Master. If I upset someone else, that's not my problem if I was following orders. They can either take it up with my Master, or get over it.
Confidence:
If I'm unsure of myself, my orders, protocols, whatever I might be unsure about, I shame my Master. It is my duty to be calm, level-headed, and to know what I'm talking about when I open my mouth. In fact, my seventh rule is that I will be confident and keep my head up.
Submission:
If the submissives in your area are all shy, non-confident, shuffling silent little robots, then your area has some problems, and I'm a little worried about them.
It sounds to me like the suggestion for you to be a submissive came from a group of dominant individuals who have some misunderstandings about what it takes to be a submissive. Your role is your choice, and I would like to remind you that D/s isn't for everyone. You could just be a Top if you don't want someone under you, or you could just be kinky. I know several people in my area who just aren't interested in that type of relationship, and I don't blame them, it takes a lot of trust, a lot of commitment, and a hell of a lot of work. But if it's something you want, then go for it! Don't let these people who don't know anything about you tell you what your role or place in the community is, that's just ridiculous.
Sorry about the book I've written, but some of the thing that were said to you were just wrong, and it really got under my skin.
good luck with ... dealing with these people who think they know what's best for you. The only person who can make your decisions and live your life is you, because you're the one who has to live with the consequences.
Emily
------------------------------I was "called out" with:
@Dpolter,
Regarding your statement:
Don't let these people who don't know anything about you tell you what your role or place in the community is, that's just ridiculous.
Obviously i don't know you but you just stated that one of your rules is
to know what I'm talking about when I open my mouth
But clearly in this situation you do not have a clue. No one, until now, knows that I was one of the people that suggested this to Thortok. I have known him personally in the community for several months. He has been welcomed into my home and my life on a personal level beyond just an acquaintance at a munch. I consider myself to be a close friend to him. I also happen to know that others that commented on his previous post know him on a very personal level.
My point being, you should choose your words and think before you go assuming something that you could not possibly know. Otherwise, you insult others absentmindedly and shame your master.
--------------------
I wanted to respond:
I apologize, Cheshire. You're totally right, I should rephrase that.
*Don't let these people who don't know anything about you* **[r desires and goals for yourself and your life]** *tell you what your role or place in the community is, that's just ridiculous.*
------------------------(I didn't say this.) A later comment by the author of the post states:
As -randomdudesnamehere- indicates, once you get past my 'barrier' I'm a completely different person. That person, which even you, Chessie, have not yet 'met', is much more like anotherpersonwhoissuperdomly. To be more correct, is much more like ME.
-------------------------at which point the person who attacked me basically says "ok whatever, bye" ---
I feel like I'm owed an apology and I'm so pissed that she personally attacked my character when I said nothing bad about her. Also, she used what I said somewhat out of context in an attempt to discourage my expression of support of the author.
It's obvious he's upset, and I was simply trying to show support. I don't understand how these "friends" of his can push him to do something he wouldn't want to do and attack others who are trying to support him and still say they're his friends.
---I'd really appreciate Your support on this. It would mean a LOT to me.
Au 27
the party
MP brought major's ex over, and cut her. then left. sigh.
we played chubbby bunny after the scening went down.
blue played with lyncat and mp cut jules
the basset hound stayed in he car.
aug 28
major and d stayed over, and Master assigned me to wrte about my personlities, the order, orgin, date and history of each. physical descriptions , the works.
i worked on it that morning.
major went to bed, and the 3 of us went to walmart all day.
major woke up, they watched stupid tv, i worked on my paper more.
i asked daddy to scene with me, He said yes.
we go downstairs.
i hate the cross, to be honest. i hit the back of my head, strangled myself, my clavical, both of them, and my pubic bone while on it. also it's massively uncomfortable, even for a widely used bondage device, and I have no way to meet His demands of sticking my ass out bc i cant support myself when my arms are over extended already anyway.
He beat me, well duh. it hurt really badly when it was supposed to hurt normal, and neither of us could get reallyinto it.
He fucked me on the cross. then He went upstairs and got a condom then He moved me, still bound, to the couch, and fucked more.
He called Vicki. we fucked more.
i felt sick, destiny and them were ready to leave, she looked sick. major felt bad earlier, sore all over he saud.
we went to walmart and bought 4 batman on one dvd, a stewie movie, yogurt, and a juise thing for me, then to mcdonalds and wendys. the fries were old and reheated. we watched batman.
(he felll asleep)
He fucked phiar, made an amazing mental imag for her, she needed peope to see her. then we found out that she cant handle humiliation... aat all. he responded lightning fast to take care of her.she came back to reality (the one here, and not in a park being fucked in front of people, blindfolded for anyone who wanted to take a ride)
and they fucked again... and then the pain started.
terrible cramps. he again responded faster than i could react, and helped and held me until the pain died enough for me to go to the bathroom and pee.
He didn't cum once the whole day
August 29th
we went gem mining. I don't remember much of anything before that, because susy is screaming "I'm gonna get so dirty!" and clapping and jumping up and down at that point in my memory. We spent $45 there. He told me to trust Him, so I do. It was so much fun, and I'm not going to regret it. It was like a second first-date. We got all kinds of gems. He found a tigerseye that the people upstream from us tossed out of their bucket into the water, as well as a pretty big sapphire (the ugly colored dirty ones, lol). The prettiest rocks probably are worth the least, but they're the prettiest!
then we went home, He wouldn't let me pee while we were out, but He let me pee first when we got home!
and we took a shower, with plans to watch stewy griffin after. Once in the shower, He wanted to fick His dirty little girl. I said okie, but we argued about it until He dragged me into the bedroom and made me His cum dumpster. He made me lick my own cum off His dick, and it was absolutely unreal how perfect. The pain in my stomach keeps coming back though, and I was raw before this session started, so it hurt but I really enjoyed it.
Here, He got off.
after, we watched stewy ad had popcorn until He fell asleep. then we made food. He made food, I had nommy leftovers. we watched oceans 12, NCIS, and then went back to the stewy movie.
I started sucking His dick towarrd the end of the movie. IDK why, I just wanted to.
He really liked it, and pushed and held my head down where His dick was pushing into the opening of my throat. I always freak out and can't breathe, but about 50% of the time He did this, I was able to breathe through my nose until He made me gag. I really thought my airway would be blocked, so it was a real surprise that I could breathe even once I'd relaxed. He wanted to finger my ass while He jacked off, adn then cum in my mouth. I said I would try for anal if He'd ease me into it.
we moved to the bedroom, but He said we only had 17 minutes until my show, alphas came on.
He washed my toys while I lubed up my ass, and picked up some canes off the floor (it helped me handle the sex and enjoy it when He was hitting me with the canes while fucking me) and then we got my ass ready and He fucked it! I started cramping again and begged Him to cum. He didn't. Said He couldn't, so I shouldn't be upset.
issues with up/down/swirl around mood stability, but I recognized it and handled it each time pretty rapidly.
I did fetlife stuff while He watched TV.
I made Him a hot dog (it meant a lot that He told me to do it for Him)
I took a shower, then we came to bed, I'm typing all this in the dark without my glasses while insanely tired. He said it was ok to blog late today, and not blog yesterday.
Oh yeah, Luke was the one who fucked Phiar. She was pleasantly surprised. Andrew helped Him.
Sydney is the one writing about each personality and all that.
I feel un-appreciated, and I'm worried about this party, and I'm putting it all on major. At least, I'm upset with major right now, and I guess it's because I've got a lot riding on me to make sure that this party is a success. I feel like I've done all the work to put this party together, and everyone else is going to swoop in and take the credit for that. Also, I know that I'm going to end up doing the sign-in and money collecting, which makes me really uncomfortable. I hate asking people for money. Or whatever. What if they're all like -well you didn't tell me blah blah I'm not paying and I'm not leaving etc... I can't handle that kind of stuff, and I don't know what to do about it. I just want to enjoy the party like everyone else. But I'll be the resident submissive for the party, and the gopher and whatever people need... And I've worked so hard to make this work, and sent out so many messages and verything.. and ... and I just wish I could look forward to being scened with or something... but I know I won't be. And I want to play, and rough. But I don't knwo what I can take, because the last time I tried.. I ended up crying and I dont want to embarass myself or anyone else, and I don't want to play ith major because I'm pissed off at him and I just.... overwhelmed.
it shouldn't be that difficult to quit smoking. If it was anything else, like saying the word shit or damn... it should be easy, llike any other habit, if you pay attention, you can quit.. and it's even easier! You just have to stop buying the damn things, and yeah, you're grouchy a few days, and you want some, like chocolate, but you aren't doing it. I don't get how people "can't quit" if they simply let their family support them in their decision. they give up their cash, cigarettes, and cards, and then they just deal with not having cash for a month. By the end of the month, their off cigarettes, adn they're fine. Whatever, people just like an excuse to waste money. I wish i ccould waste that much money a month.
sigh. I wish I had that much extra cash a month. um- no such thing as extra cash, nvm. but you get my drift.
9:10 1 shot
9:20 1 shot
9:50 3 shots cuz i missed 9:30 and 9:40
idk, seemed like fun...
wish i'd eaten first though instead of eating now.
hehe, when i eat something really hot, my eyes stop working for a sec.
This will hopefully cut down on some of the time looking for scene partners (if you didn't bring your own) and let you see who is interested in doing what. Throw out scene ideas, things you want to do, or have done to you.
You never know who might want to try it- You may be surprised, they may be really good at it. Make the connection here and start off on the right foot once you hit the party. This way, you'll know who you really want to talk to before you even see them. It may be a better night than you first imagined.
Wanna plan a big or intricate scene?
Start it here to get ideas to fuel your creative fire. Post pics or just describe how you want it done. Get safety concerns from more experienced players and just plain evil ideas from us sadists.
Lets see what we can come up with together.
Don't forget, I need you to check the dungeon and make sure it's ready for play. Also, we need to have all of the clothes out of the formal living room. People are gonna want to sit in there more than they will want to sit in the den.
I love you so much My little susy. you may have another treat when I get home IF you remind Me. After a long day of being on the computer even "cookies" need a treat. - Mikkal
I do have a demand that needs to met. you MUST be dressed and ready to go to the store the moment I get home. I want to get the shopping done as soon as we can. Also... I don't want you wearing any panties.
Daddy said I could play WoW today, but the internet has almost hit a standstill the past few hours. I've been working on the internet sending fetlife messages all day, so I guess I'll just have to play WoW later. Maybe we can activate it one day when we're going to visit major for several days in a row or something.
I am going to shave my legs now.
major was pretty much useless about sending out messages. he sent out 8 to the first people on the list, didn't send to his friends or anything and sent a cookie cutter message that obligates us to buy kfc if people do show up to the party. well, whatever, I did it on my own anyhow.
Daddy gave me treats today. 2 of them. for doing what He said yesterday, and 1 for doing more than He said :)
I hit my head at 11:30 PM last night, we didn't go to bed until 1AM or so so it was fine. I miss Him already.
He talked to His mom about us moving today. it's gonna be a bitch, and I said we'd leave all the useless stuff.
What He hasn't thought of is we'll have to move major's stuff out too.
sigh. i'm so tired of the computer but nothing good is on tv and I have showering when the tub is all nasty and stopped up. slow draining like it is. Also, I can't bathe the dogs while it's draining slowly, and penny needs another bath and so does sela, the fleas and mange are getting them.
Tuesday night, Danny was out. She got laid. Mikkal. He kept hitting all the right spots, or maybe all the wrong ones... All I could feel was pain. It was like I was breathing pain. It was an amazing experience. I screamed my lungs out.I just wanted to lie there and not move, after. I felt like I had to come back, though. I worried that He would be concerned about me. We discussed it, breifly, and then I remember folling asleep in His arms.
The next morning, yesterday morning... I got tied up. well, we got tied, up, didn't we, Susy? It was so amazing. I love having sex when I'm tied. It was awesome. After the sex, He put it up my ass. I freaked for some reason. I didn't think it would be a problem, but I couldn't handle it. It was easy to focus on the tied up sex, and playing though. I felt awesome after we finished, except the fact that I had to run to the bathroom the whole rest of the day.
Also, Seshafi gave Master a blowjob yesterday night. He loved it, but she felt like she didn't give Him enough. She'd asked how she could please, and from then on (she was out a lot of the day, and things had been comfortable) He was very direct and specific about what He wanted. She was a little uncomfortable, and there was a misunderstanding. it was resolved last night though. He came in and slept in her bed, holding her until she fell asleep. In fact, He fell asleep too, and woke up in the middle of the night to go back to His own bed.
Thank You for all this sex, Master! It means a lot :) and I really appreciate it. Especially the rope. (Oh yeah, He tied seshafi up yesterday to watch The Mummy.
Zhiva: "She [The lawyer] seemed to like Tony, why doesn't he just... sleep with her? What? It's a viable interrogation technique!"
Gibbs: "I've done it."
Zhiva: "So have I."
The Director: "You can close your mouth, agent McGee, it's not that impressive."
It's going to be a bitch. There's everyday housework, and then stuff like unclogging the bathtub, cleaning the basement, and picking up the huge amount of debris out of the yard after the energy people leave (they have to replace a pole)
I feel very strongly right now. I want to switch to a strong, extravagant, opinionated personality. Outgoing. I don't feel "strong" I feel strongly. It's like I can feel more intensely than I am normally able to feel. I feel so alive.
My options are:
Danny - BUT I want to be fucked. Hard. So I don't think it would be appropriate to put Danny in that situation.
Phiar - She would enjoy being fucked, but might react strongly in a bad way to being rejected for sex. I feel like she's in a bad mood, also. I don't know why.
Gin - um. I don't know what to say other than it'd be hard to let her out if He's not going to be paying attention to her.
Seshafi - May not seem like a strong personality to Him, but she is learning what is expected of her, and she presents very strongly mentally right now. Right now, she is confident, strong, and capable.
Melissa - she can almost always convince Him to fuck her. There's something about the way she walks into a room that draws His attention. It's like she knows exactly how to dress, walk, and move to turn Him on.
Vicki doesn't seem to want to come out right now. I think it's because I hurt a little, and while she can handle a lot to prove herself, she doesn't want to go out of her way to get it.
she cut last night. she didn't tell us, she tried to hide it. I found out on the way home from major's house (Master took me to work ith Hi and she came and picked me up) and made her drive back to His work (His phone was dead and I wasn't going to just blog that she'd done this. It's not fair to Him to have to read it on a blog.). He took the day off from work, and said He'd make up the hours on Wednesday. There was a huge argument, she took off her collar after cutting last night, and never put it back on. I was pretty pissed off, but I let Him talk because I wouldn't have been rational. Also, she didn't feed the dogs the whole time we were gone, and she'd said she would go to wal-mart and buy food for them - she forgot because she was too busy cutting herself.
He told her that she can't stay in the house unless she can follow house rules, which includes not cutting. We want her here for the rest of the week, but He won't have her cutting around me. I can't handle it. Finding out that she'd cut pushed me pretty hard, and I'd been feeling stable again after my period and all the mood swings.
susy was in the close background the whole argument. she was so upset (i can handle my stupid girly shit most of the time) and of course i started crying like an idiot. she doesn't want to lose "her jessi". I don't either. It's going to hurt to have her leave, but after the argument we all made it clear to each other that we do love her and she loves us, and we're not leaving this D/s relationship on bad terms, even with everything that's happened the past several weeks.
She made it almost 4 months without cutting, and I was so proud of her. I can't believe she did it, she was so close, and we were going to be home soon.
She stopped being collared before she cut, even if she was wearing her collar. From the moment she gave her notice, she stopped obeying rules, protocols and standing orders, and did basically whatever she wanted with no regard for her family.
I just hope that she keeps what she's learned from us. She is a strong person, she has the ability to not cut (she could have made it, I know she had it in her, which is why I was so upset), she has a better self-image, she has the self-control to eat things that are better for her (drink less soda, drink more water, too), she has the confidence to stand up for herself, she's learned that if she's going to do something, she may as well do it right or not at all, and hopefully, she's learned to be a little more careful about people in the lifestyle, check references, don't go alone to meet people, etc. If she learns anything from us, I hope she's learned these things.
I wish her all the luck in the world, and if she's determined enough, she won't need luck.
I'm really going to miss her. I won't, however, miss that stinking turtle.
she's officially uncollared now, and will be leaving sometime this week. she has to sign up for classes in asheville, and she's already un-enrolled in classes here.
He won't be out of work until 10:30, and then I don't know how He'll be to drive. He may be too tired. I really hope not, I would like a shower eventually.
I feel like the decisions being made may not be logical, but emotional ones, which will end up scarring our relationships. I don't want that to happen. I would like a clear, calm discussion of what has been going on, and what needs to happen.
I really really want chocolate.
I've been drinking lots of water all day, but my lips are still chapped and I keep picking at them.
I wish I could talk to my Daddy, I've missed Him all day. He'll be home soon i guess. Major has been asleep most of the day, and is asleep now, too. He was awake maybe from 5 until 7:30PM today, and that's it.
I'm going to go back to watching criminal minds now. I'm very bored, and a little hungry.
Yesterday was the title competition. Jessi left to go home the day before and decided to spend the night there. I was scared out of my wits because I hate public speaking. We had to be at MP's house at 4:30 PM. Major came over the night before, and stayed a little while because there was a huge scary storm and I took pictures and people came by the house and he was going to protect me since Daddy was at work.
So...
Thursday
Jessi class
Jessi leaves
Daddy leaves for work
Essay stuff
STORM -power/internet waivers/pictures taken, dogs and turtle taken downstairs in case of tornado, lots of hail, and heavy rain and scary things
people knock on door while I am downstairs. internet is on, I tell Daddy, He tells major.
major comes over
Daddy comes home.
2AM bedtime.
Friday
7AM wake-up
9AM Daddy @ work, me with all packed bags and make-up, supplies, etc @ K-Mart
9:10 me asleep daddy's car
9:15 Major waky me we go to his house,l I sleep until daddy comes home
11AM daddy home early.
2PM I try to find out when we have to be at MPs house.
4:30 leaving for MP's, hungry. Bounce a check to eat at McD because we're starving. (no breakfast or lunch)
5PM cop roadblock on the way to MP's, phew no trouble.
At MPs: bad back pain, cramps, fear, nervous.
interview. I felt I did well, (I find out a crossdresser is running against me for the Ms. Title) and I felt he was disappointed about his interview.
I start bleeding again, heavy.
MP has loads of alcohol out, and I want some very badly. I am nervous.
find out about meet and greet part, where we have to interact with people for points.
6:30 PM Master finally gets to go in for His interview; we're panicking, we're supposed to be at the club to practice our skits by 7 PM and we have to get our clothing from Major's house. Major has already left to pick up Destiny.
7PM Jessi calls, she is at the club. I feel she was snapping at me because we weren't there to meet her. I explain what is going on, and she tells me the I need to tell her what to do now. I ask her to go to Major's house (she'll have to call and get directions I can't get her there from the club) and meet us there because we need to pick up our clothes. she huffs and fusses and after we get off the phone she sends a text that she's just going to wait at the club until we get there.
7:30 leaving MP's house, meeting major at his house with Destiny, and so on - can't get them out the fucking door and I'm starting to get pissed off.
8PM we show up at the club. I put on my make-up in the car.
Take everything downstairs, and then go back up to socialize, after issues with Jessi's purse.
Socialize for two fucking hours. I think I drank like 3 bottles of water. I was so thirsty, and the first water was $2.50 fucking ridiculous. After that, until after they found out I didn't win, someone brought me waters every time I finished one.
One of the judges kept touching me and it made me uncomfortable, but I let it slide because it wasn't especially inappropriate and I didn't want to fuck my chances.
I had to introduce myself (after being introduced.. ?) and I was so nervous I shook and my knees knocked together.
Then came the speeches, Master went first - I wish I could have heard it, but they were keeping us downstairs after the socializing. Then they told me I would get more points if I were to stay onstage with Him while He read my speech. I did it, even though I was terrified.
Then hotwear / pop questions. Master's clothing didn't get packed like what He wanted, His shirt had a stain, so He improvised.
My question was on how we handle flaming, and I said it's not tolerated, and talked about that.
Then the skits. My favorite part. I had so much fun, and I really didn't think that I would at first, but I did end up enjoying it once I was on the stage.
Master's was like a virtual reality pick your girl program.
Mine was me pushing Him around stage, and then He drank an alice in wonderland elixir, and turned into my Master again. When he put me in Position one the last time, the song ended. It was amazingly perfect, and we didn't even get to practice with the song (halestorm - i get off) -Also, my latch on my leather pants popped off when I went from Position Two to Position Four.
there was a brief break after, because they were counting the votes. I lost by four points. I want a copy of my notes to see what the judges said about me, and why I must have had such low marks that he beat me when he didn't even come up during the entire socializing part.
MP came downstairs to tell me I didn't win and that she wasn't going to put me through that onstage.
It took so much effort not to cry when Master pulled me onstage after they announced the guy as Ms. Leatherfet. And I had to smile for pictures and such.
Jessi drove to MPs house. We snapped at each other. Well, I snapped at her. I had really been counting on her top be there and support me, and she was upset, frowning, and sitting in a corner the whole time, away from people. (An so I couldn't even go to her, because I was supposed to be socializing, and I was even being judges on how I interacted with people for the whole night)
I was so uncomfortable. the Ms titleholder didn't even show up. one of the judges yelled out drunkenly that she'd never had tits until after she got an abortion, Major and Destiny were snuggling all close because major's ex-gf and her manslut were there. Master took Jessi outside to speak with her privately, because He was going to tell her thanks for the sandwich, and she hid her texting from Him because she was embarrassed to be caught saying what she was saying at the time. So I was left alone with the scary people who were also drunk... and it got loud and my head hurt, and my back hurt, and I was so angry and upset over losing to a guy as well as at jessi and also listening to Master talk about how I should have won it (which I agreed with but it was making me want to cry) I knew that I shouldn't drink, but I wanted to, so I took Master's things, and went outside ("it's warmer out here") and got eyeballed by MPs drunk neighbors.
and then Master tells me that Jessi wants to leave service. because she can't handle this crap any longer.
I almost lost it. I was so upset, and confused and hurt.
Susy was even more confused. She picked up the only purple straw from MPs house and took it, and gave it to jessi, because she wanted jessi to be happy again and not go away. she doesn't understand what's going on, really.
He said we were staying at Major's house and going home with him. I agreed, because I thought I might get some pain out of it. No dice.
Saturday (today)
We're at majors.
I didn't go to bed until 6AM this morning, and I woke up at 11 AM.
I've been trying to get home all day, and Master keeps delaying. Now we're staying the night here (Again). I'm pretty upset about that, actually. He works tomorrow, and I'd really wanted to scene to get my nerves and emotions back in check. Now I don't know when I'll have another chance at that. Also, I didn't want to leave Jessi at the house alone. I am worried about her.
However, we did have to stay here today because He has been calling the club all day. he lost His wallet last night, adn only got the phone call that they'd found it at 10PM. It was 11:30 by the time we got back to Major's and Master didn't want to drive back so late, also the gas stations would be closed.
We went to the wal-mart to close His card, because we thought a drag queen had taken His wallet. After cashing the check, we went out to eat. I was worried about money, but our waitress was really cool, and the food was so good, it made me not worry. I guess that was my consolation prize, going out to eat. He put me in Position Five in the restaurant, only just for a second, but it lifted so much weight off me when He did I couldn't believe it.
I think I'm almost completely off my period now, so that's awesome. My emotions are still a bit rocky, but I'm able to control them a lot better than I was before.
I really want to scene today.
Master and Major are playing borderlands.
Jessi wants to cut, and so do I.
I keep stopping myself from acting out to get pain. I want pain, but I don't want to misbehave to get it.
I'm thinking of an extreme scene of some sort. Breath play, intense pain, interrogation, mind fucks, I don't know.
I want to be mindless and used and only around to make someone happy. to be chained, used, and left until he wants to hurt or use me... I want to be abused and mistreated lovingly, like You do.
haven't taken any pills, Candy came out and cleaned until He woke up. Then he called me back. (Emily). She cleaned a shit ton, and has no idea why she feels so skittish, scared and sad.
Susy is very upset. She feels like Jessi doesn't love us anymore, because we needed her support and she not only let us down, she expected us to cater to and take care of her.
I want to drown, burn, break, and suffer.
I want fear, panic, despair, internalized haate and anguish.
I want to cut myself. I want to bleed.
I want pain, love, anger, punishment and consequence.
I want cold hands pushing me into hot water.
I want to open my eyes underwater and watch the bubbles flow up and far away from me.
I want to know why Jessi really wants to leave service.
I want to eat ice cream until I puke, and cookies.
I want roped wrists. behind me, legs tied spread on the bed.
I want everything except this stupid headache.
I want Master, Sir, Daddy, Baby, Kyle Bear, Mikkal, Andy, Timmy, and Luke to dominate, correct, baby, hold, snuggle, tightly, gently, and playfully and talk to me on my level.
I want real.
I want fake. I want to wake up from this dream.
I want to be behind bars in a cage, alone.
I want to be raped, tormented, and left for trash.
I want sleep.
I want to quit controlling my temper for one day.
I want to scene until I pass out.
I want to stop breathing until I pass out.
I want to play, wrestle, resist, fail, and lose everything.
I want to bet you I could.
I am a worthless whore. I will not suck dick for votes. I am a cunt. I will keep my opinions to myself when i am angry. I am too moody to be a good slave. I will not call my sister names. I will not speak when I am angry. I will not cut. I am my Master's greatest treasure. He will allow me the emotions I have a right to feel. I am nothing without my Master. I will obey as He commands. I will suffer at my Master's whim, for His pleasure. I will endeavor to stretch my asshole to suit His desires. I will not cut or otherwise harm myself. I will not physically abuse my sister submissive. I will not physically abuse animals. I wuill ask my Master for pain when i need it. I will feel nothing unless allowed to. I will not cry like a baby. I am a stupid cunt. I will learn to follw directions. I love my Master. I will not restrict my eating or urination to cause myself pain. I will not allow myself pain unless that pain is accidental or arranged by my Master. I will beg my Master for pain, discipline, and correction. I will not withhold my sleep in order to self-harm. I will not cut myself or others. I will not leave and pull another personality. I will learn to handle my problems like an adult, not a child. I am my Master's slut. I live to serve and please Him. I love swallowing Master Kyle's cum. I will beg my Master for sex as He instructs, and as pleases Him. I will sleep aty the foot of Master's bed as long as He allows me that honor and privilege. I am only good for a hole for His cum. I am a worthless cum dumpster. I will work to gain my Master's favor, one blowjob at a time, as long as it takes.
I have been having the worst mood swings I've had since I was 16 for the past two cycles. It was worse this time than last (The pain wasn't as bad as last time, though). I've felt so violent. I broke a glass - threw it into the floor, ran until I hurt myself - and didn't go to Position Five as instructed, three separate times during an argumentI was punished for it, not so badly, but I cleaned up my mess and did what had to eb done, to take care of it. I've wanted to cut so badly, I've wanted pain, humiliation, degradation, to break things, to kick or hit things or people, to say things that I could never ever take back.
I feel like I must be pregnant, or I need birth control badly. I'm on my period, so I don't see how I could bbe pregnant, but I'd hate to take that risk, just in case.
I've also been having back pain, and cramps that pills don't help for the past two cycles.
I want pain. Extreme pain. I want bondage. I want to cry until I can't cry anymore, I don't want to stop crying and hide or stop it for someone else.
I can't sleep. I can't masturbate. i can't cuddle, it makes me feel cold and alone - I don't want to wake Master, He needs the sleep, and I won't ask major, it would be a violation of trust w/ Master, especially since I'm so needy and vulnerable right now, I'd say things I shouldn't, also I want only my Master to comfort me.
I want punishment, because
punishment isn't on my terms.
It would be uncontrollable pain, and
if nothing else, even writing lines is
better than surfing these emotions.
The title competition is today. I'ma moody train wreck, and can hardly put together a sentence, let alone my make-up, these outfits, and this interview.
I'm the only one competing for female title, and I'm afraid I won't get it. It would disgrace me if they decided not to award the title this year because I can't fully express myself and what I mean verbally.
Master has been working on my communication skills, but... this. this is scary.
He's finally sleeping now. I don't know if He has to be awake soon or not.
yesterday I was off my period for my customary 8 hour break, and it started again last night.
i hurt.
I hope I win. I hope I make my Master proud of me, and also get the $250! We could really use it, and I'd love to have some yogurt, chocolate, and sunflower seeds.
I keep changing my mind.
The house is cluttered.
the house smells bad. I smell dog pee, the couch, the dogs in general, the trash cans, the dirty dishes, the turtle, the laundry, the bathroom, the toilet, and something in the bedroom smells bad but I can't find it.
My speech, no.. essay.. It's finished but I have to fix it, but I want to fix it with Master's help since He'll be reading it. I also have to hand-write it unless we can find someone reliable with a printer.
I need to pick out sexy clothing :
I need 1) "hot wear" 2)military outfit 3) my outfit for my skit
I need to write my skit, and see if it's five minutes of material.
I need to find something to make my stomach not hurt and my head not fuzzy but we're almost out of pain pills, ibuprofin, tylenol, bleach, toilet paper. And I can't focus. I just can't think there's too much going on. I need something to make everything slow down so I can focus.
I need to study the leatherfet webpage and see what basic stuff I need to know to be able to even nearly compete. I need to have fluffy, patsy, lovey dovey answers for everything.
I need to wash dishes, they smell bad and I want Daddy to have a nice dinner and I want Daddy to not have to wait for food every day.
I need to know if Daddy is going straight from work tomorrow to the event. If He is, then I hve to have everything ready tonight before He gets home.
I don't know if I can do all this. Any of this. I'm so overwhelmed, and I know it's my own fault, but I was so excited and nervous and scared and I keep getting so angry. My emotions keep getting out of hand. I feel like I have no control over my brain, and I've already fucked up once, I don't want to mess up again. But I feel so violent when something upsets me. it's like I'm standing there in my head watching the insanity and I'm like WFT and then there's this huge wave and I'm angry too.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
My wife asked me to read her speech for her tonight because she has a fear of public speaking, and it was interfering with the rest of our lives. With this stress off her mind, it was easier for her to focus on the importance of what she wanted to say instead of how hard it was going to be to say it.
She is 22 years old, a submissive, and she has been active in this community since we moved to North Carolina in early 2010.
Many of the groups that we've come in contact with over the past year and a half don't allow anyone under 21 to attend or be a part of their group. This happens for various reasons, ranging from the presence of alcohol at parties to a belief that younger people are more likely to cause problems in the group due to immaturity issues.
These young people need a place in the community just as much as the rest of us. My wife was wearing a collar in high school, before she even knew what collaring was. She knew what she was and what she wanted from her life and her relationships before she knew "what she wanted to be when she grew up". If these young people are anything close to as determined as she was, (and you know most of us can be pretty stubborn when we're trying to get what we want) they're going to get their fetish fix from somewhere, even if it's not from us. (*) (prefer) "They need this, and they're going to get it somewhere, even if it's not from us(*)
The problem is, they aren't just learning how to be a part of this community, they're learning how to be a part of society in general, too. Their attention is divided, and they don't pay as much attention to safety as they should. These young people need us to keep an eye out for them, because they won't be doing it, and we know what to look for.
The thing that these young men and women need is a place in the community, and a mentor. They need guidance and support from their peers. They need to know how to safely interact with this community, because lets face it, we have our predators, too. (*) because it's not the same as the rest of sociey- if they don't know what they're getting into, they could get hurt. (*)
We need to keep an eye out for these young people, and try to find them early so that we can offer help, the wrong sort are already looking for them.
These people need to know that there is a large group of people out there who think like they do - they're not freaks, and they're not alone. These young, submissive girls need to know that the one dominant-type person they've found isn't their only option, and they need someone to tell them, "It's OK that you want this, but this is how you do it safely."
This is very important to her, because maybe if someone had noticed her, when she was younger, and told her that she wasn't bad, or a horrible person for what she wanted, maybe if she had the support of a community, or just someone who understood her, a mentor, things would have been easier. If she'd had the wisdom of an older more experienced lifestyler, then some really difficult things could have been avoided.
We need to say to these people, "you know, I've been watching you, and I just want to let you know that there are safer ways to go out and find what you're looking for. There are other people who can help you take care of your needs, and there are ways to make sure that it's safe to do." It's our responsibility to step up, step out and help protect the people who become victims the most often, even if they don't know they need it.
I made breakfast today! We got groceries last night and a lot of food that I love. Bacon, livermush, eggs, milk... that's just breakfast. I've been stuck on the stuff for the title run all week, and haven't accomplished much around the house. It's been driving me nuts. I also really want to go back to working on my outfit for the party, because it wasn't what I wanted when I worked on it. But I have strict orders to work on my essay.. I mean speech... today.
On the way to the grocery store we spoke with Jessi more in-depth about things she has to ask permission to do. It's personal to her, so I won't post it.
I am not in the mood to talk, I don't want to be hugged or talked to, no I don't want to talk about it so don't ask or offer. If I wanted to talk, I would come to you. please just leave me alone.
I don't want my Daddy to be disappointed in me. I want to do this. but I'm so scared. I wanted to do my speech and make Him proud of me. But I feel like it sounds stupid. I feel stupid. and fake. and ... I don't want to pretend to do my speech or do my speech. I don't ever read my poetry aloud for a reason. ------ I don't know if I'm on the couch and then in five after. He didn't tell me recover, He told me get the fuck up, and sit. I'm afraid that if I ty to leave, He'll just tell me I'm supposed to be in five if I try to leave to go anywhere else. . ----------- It's not fair that He thinks it should be easy for me to read it to Him because I'm "just reading" . I'm not "just reading". This essay puts me in the mind-frame of doing the speech, no matter who it's in front of. I hear every stutter and mumble or mess-up and think about how bad I'm going to sound and how I'm going to embarrass myself fin front of all these people.
Bishu was out last night, and she was really skittish, more than normal, but she started kissing Him and she said it made her dizzy, so they tried sex again... and it hurt at first, so they moved to the bedroom, and then He told her to undress more and lie down on her bed. She did, and at first that hurt too, but then it just didn't hurt. It didn't feel good, but it didn't hurt, so she was ok. And then He moved her to His bed, and started fucking her from behind, but both of them were lying on their sides, so it was a lot like spooning I guess. She didn't like that at first either, but then He grabbed her collar and forced her body forward and pulled her head back. It was a throbbing but constant pressure on her neck, because He would pull harder when He went in, and push forward when He pulled out. She really started to like that. Especially because her legs were stuck between His, and one of her arms was where she couldn't use it. Then He moved her onto her back, and put on a condom. It started hurting again, and she didn't understand why - she'd been almost incoherent most of the time spooning because it felt so good it made her dizzy and she liked not thinking, and this position was making her think again... but then before long, this position felt good too, and she really liked sex. He asked her if she likes sex now, and she said yes, Master.
She forgot and left the toilet seat down, she remembered when He came back onto the room the next morning, but He didn't say anything.
I started my Period today. I'm cramping, but a little relieved that I'm probably not going to be on it for the competition.
When I heard about this title competition, I didn't want to run. I didn't even think about running for a title. It's not my personality, really. In fact,to be totally honest with you guys, I still don't even/ reallywant to be competing. I would be having a lot more fun if I was sitting in the crowd with everyone else, cheering on my husband and the other contestants. That's where I thought I would be until a week ago. And then it happened. I realizedthat I have something important to say, and no one else can say it for me. I'm a 22 year old female submissive, with a little over a year of experience in this particular community.
I've always been submissive. In fact, if you ever get to see my picture in my high school yearbook, you can see that I'm actually wearing a collar. At that point in time I didn't even know about collaring. I wanted everyone to know that I was owned, (because being owned was what I wanted from a relationship) and I couldn't think of a better way to show it.
There are a lot of young women like me entering the lifestyle, and they need something from us. They need us to reach out to them and give them a place in the community. (A lot of groups actually don't allow people to attend until they are 21, for various reasons.Butthese young women need guidance and support even more than the rest of us, because they've just become adults and they're learning everything. not just the how to find their place in the community, but how to find their place in the rest of society as well. They need this, and they're going to get it somewhere, even if it's not from us.)
My point isthat we as a community need to keep an eye out for these young women, maybe even before they join fetlife. (We all know the wrong sort are already keeping an eye out for them). We need to let them know that there is a large group of people out there who think like they do - they're not freaks, and they're not alone. They need to know that the one dominant-type person they've found isn't their only option, and they need someone to tell them, "It's OK that you wanna to do this, but this is how you do it safely."
I say all this, because I wish that someone had noticed me, when I was that age, and told me that I wasn't bad, or a horrible person for what I wanted back then. I wish that someone had said, "you know, I've been watching you, and I just want to let you know that there are safer ways to go out and find what you're looking for. There are other people who can help you take care of your needs, and there are ways to make sure that it's safe to do." It's our responsibility to step up, step out and help protect the people who become victims the most often, even if they don't know they need it. Thank you for your time.
Now, people in general aren't really very smart. No offense you guys. But young people can be downright stupid sometimes. Especially young women. Girls can do some stupid, stupid stuff when they think they found someone who will love and accept them. Or even just when they want to go to a party, ... Jessi. I know several girls who never even had second thought about meeting new people alone. They hopped in the car with a stranger to ride an hour away, and didn't even know the name of the town they were going to, much less ask someone to call and check in on them every hour, two hours, or even once the whole time they were there!
These people who are new to the lifestyle need someone to guide and mentor them, even if it's just to say "hey, you know to have someone call you to check in and make sure everything is alright every couple hours when you're alone with someone new, right?" or "Hey... let me go with you to meet this new person, I've never heard of them before." "have you checked this person's references? I've never heard of them, and I know most of the people in this area. Maybe you shouldn't go meet them alone."
In my perfect vision of the community, every new person to the community would have a mentor within a week. You want unity? Start by having the experienced people reach out to the newbies.
Start mentoring someone who needs it. You might save their life.
Those of you who know me know that I don't have many soap boxes. I'm the fun-loving girl who, while she has a pretty good head on her shoulders, thinks that if you're going to talk about something you're passionate enough about to carry that soapbox with you, you're either going to be talking to people who already agree with you, or you're going to get in a lot of arguments. Now, you may not share this with me, but my brand of submission doesn't like getting into too many arguments. I have my beliefs, and I live by them, but I don't rape anyone's throat with them either, if you know what I mean. So after all that, I want you to know that the only reason I'm running for this title is because I have something to say, and since I hate public speaking, it must be pretty damn important.
and remember kids, a bruised bottom is a happy bottom. (turn and pull down pants to reveal smiling panties)
So I sent the bio and picture to vixen, the link and attachment.
I found a picture of Master that I absolutely adore:
I wish He'd go back to this style, it loks so good on Him!! sexy sexy sexy. :)
I replied to the comments on my posts, pics and stuff.
I replied to rikmar (who wrote me a book)
and I reached out to a few people I haven't heard from on fet in a while, as well as sent a good luck message to Lass.
Emily Tade is a 22 year old submissive female. She is a leader of KC, a founding leader of EC--, and she is married and submissive to Relly, who is also competing in the LFet title competition. She has been in the lifestyle since before she knew what it was called, and has been a part of the local community since she moved to the area in early 2010. She loves resistance play and hates being tickled.
When I heard about this title competition, I didn't want to run. I didn't even think about running for a title. It's not my personality, really. In fact, to be totally honest with you guys, I still don't really want to be competing. I would be having a lot more fun if I was sitting in the crowd with everyone else, cheering on my husband and the other contestants. That's where I thought I would be until a week ago. And then it happened. I realized (in the shower of all places - don't you hate it when you're in the shower and think of something you want to write down?) that I have something important to say, and no one else can say it for me. I'm a 22 year old female submissive, with a little over a year of experience in this particular community. I've always been submissive. In fact, if you ever get to see my picture in my high school yearbook, you can see that I'm actually wearing a collar. At that point in time I didn't even know about collaring. I wanted everyone to know that I was owned, (because being owned was what I wanted from a relationship) and I couldn't think of a better way to show it.
There are a lot of young women like me entering the lifestyle, and they need something from us. They need us to reach out to them and give them a place in the community. (A lot of groups actually don't allow women to attend until they are 21, for various reasons. But these young women need guidance and support even more than you might think, because they've just become adults and they're learning everything, not just the how to find their place in the community, but how to find their place in the rest of society as well. They need this, and they're going to get it somewhere, even if it's not from us.)
My point is that we as a community need to keep an eye out for these young girls, maybe even before they join fetlife. (you know the wrong sort are already keeping an eye out for them). We need to let them know that there is a large group of people out there who think like they do - they're not freaks, and they're not alone. They need to know that the one dominant-type person they've found isn't their only option, and they need someone to tell them, "It's OK that you wanna to do this, but this is how you do it safely."
I say all this, because
some pretty bad shit happened to me before I found the community, and maybe if someone had noticed , taken me aside, and talked honestly to me about it, that shit would never have happened. It's our responsibility to step up, step out and help protect the people who become victims the most often, even if they don't know they need it. Thank you for your time.
I wish that someone had noticed me, when I was that age, and told me that I wasn't bad for what I thought then. I wish that someone had said, you know, I've been watching you, and I just want to let you know that there are safer ways to go out and find what you're looking for. There are other people who can help you take care of your needs, and there are ways to make sure that it's safe to do.
Now, people in general aren't really very smart. No offense you guys. But young people can be downright stupid sometimes. Especially young women. Girls can do some stupid, stupid stuff when they think they found someone who will love and accept them. Or even just when they want to go to a party, ... Jessi. I know several girls who never even had second thought about meeting new people alone. They hopped in the car with a stranger to ride an hour away, and didn't even know the name of the town they were going to, much less ask someone to call and check in on them every hour, two hours, or even once the whole time they were there!
These people who are new to the lifestyle need someone to guide and mentor them, even if it's just to say "hey, you know to have someone call you to check in and make sure everything is alright every couple hours when you're alone with someone new, right?" or "Hey... let me go with you to meet this new person, I've never heard of them before." "have you checked this person's references? I've never heard of them, and I know most of the people in this area. Maybe you shouldn't go meet them alone."
In my perfect vision of the community, every new person to the community would have a mentor within a week. You want unity? Start by having the experienced people reach out to the newbies.
Start mentoring someone who needs it. You might save their life.
This is pretty hard for me. I have a pretty big fear of public speaking, and I'm sure a lot of you can sympathize being up in front of people, many of them older and less submissive than I am, (which doesn't mean less confident, by the way, but it does mean less likely to be speaking to a large group of people, and therefore less experienced). When I heard about this title competition, I didn't want to do it. In fact, I still don't really want to be up here, doing it. But I realized, I have something important to say, and this is one of those rare chances (rare for me, anyway.) to say it - and not only that, I'm just the person for the job. I'm young, I'm female, I'm submissive, I'm even pretty gullible. There are a lot of people that fit that description entering into the lifestyle. They need us. They need people int he community to reach out to them and give them a place in the community. (A lot of groups actually don't allow women to attend until they are 21, for various reasons. But these young women who have just become adults need guidance and support even more than people who are just new to the lifestyle, because they're learning everything, not just the basics of BDSM, the lifestyle and the community. They need this, and they're going to get it somewhere, even if it's not from the right people.) You see, I have always been submissive, even before I learned what bondage was. In my high school yearbook photo, I'm actually wearing a collar - I even made it myself. I didn't even know about collaring, I just knew that I wanted everyone to know that I was owned, and I didn't know how else (any better way) to show it. My point is that we as a community need to keep an eye out for these young girls, maybe even before they join fetlife. (you know the wrong sort are already keeping an eye out for them). We need to let them know that there is a large group of people out there who think like they do - they're not freaks, and they're not alone. They need to know that the one dominant-ish person they've found isn't their only option, and they need someone to tell them, "It's OK that you want to do this, this is how you do it safely." I say all this, because that's what I wish some some pretty bad shit happened to me before I found the community, and maybe if someone had noticed , taken me aside, and talked honestly to me about it, that shit would never have happened. Thank you for your time.
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Those of you who know me know that I don't have many soap boxes. I'm the fun-loving girl who, while she has a pretty good head on her shoulders, thinks that if you're going to talk about something you're passionate enough about to carry that soapbox with you, you're either going to be talking to people who already agree with you, or you're going to get in a lot of arguments. Now, you may not share this with me, but my brand of submission doesn't like getting into too many arguments. I have my beliefs, and I live by them, but I don't rape anyone's throat with them either, if you know what I mean. So after all that, I want you to know that the only reason I'm running for this title is because I have something to say, and since I hate public speaking, it must be pretty damn important.
I wish that someone had noticed me, when I was that age, and told me that I wasn't bad for what I thought then. I wish that someone had said, you know, I've been watching you, and I just want to let you know that there are safer ways to go out and find what you're looking for. There are other people who can help you take care of your needs, and there are ways to make sure that it's safe to do. Now, people in general aren't really very smart. No offense you guys. But young people can be downright stupid sometimes. Especially young women. Girls can do some stupid, stupid stuff when they think they found someone who will love and accept them. Or even just when they want to go to a party, ... Jessi. I know several girls who never even had second thought about meeting new people alone. They hopped in the car with a stranger to ride an hour away, and didn't even know the name of the town they were going to, much less ask someone to call and check in on them every hour, two hours, or even once the whole time they were there!
These people who are new to the lifestyle need someone to guide and mentor them, even if it's just to say "hey, you know to have someone call you to check in and make sure everything is alright every couple hours when you're alone with someone new, right?" or "Hey... let me go with you to meet this new person, I've never heard of them before." "have you checked this person's references? I've never heard of them, and I know most of the people in this area. Maybe you shouldn't go meet them alone."
In my perfect vision of the community, every new person to the community would have a mentor within a week. You want unity? Start by having the experienced people reach out to the newbies.
Start mentoring someone who needs it. You might save their life.
fuck. I sound so fucking stupid.
back to bed. I had to get up cuz I was having more speech ending stuff go through my head when all I really want is a nap.
Now, this is going to take a lot of practice from me!!! or well... not "practice" but like I'm going to have to work on it, at least.
I go out on stage, and I flex, like I'm preening to myself. I don't know , do something that makes me look goofy cuz I'm a little girl acting all strong and stuff. I'll get a few giggles, or whatever. Then, I walk offstage and come in carrying Master. I put Him down, standing (that's the part i have to practice), and I pose Him (not sure yet), (maybe pose Him and make Him reflect my actions or something, like I wave my hand, and He stays still, but then I move His hand to follow mine, and the next time I do it, He follows). I stop, walk out, and carry major in. I place him the exact opposite from Master, and while I'm fixing him the same way I did Master, Master is following my movements as well (both men are facing me, so they can see what I'm doing and so it looks more mirror-like. I've been just waving one hand all this time. Now I flex, looking over my shoulder at Master as if into a mirror.
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idk, after that.
update: ------------------------------
So while I'm looking over my shoulder, major grabs me. I turn and slap him, only when I do, Master copies my movements exactly and hits me in the back of the head at the same time.
Standing Orders
AKM
Due 8-13-11
Narrative Appreciation Essay
715 words
I don’t really appreciate my husband. I say I do, but how can I even understand everything that he does? He single-handedly provides for his family, goes to work “in sickness and in health,” is helping me to become the woman and mother I want to be, and fills in as a human teddy bear when I need him. He juggles work, finances, friends, family, and a group, all while making sure that I am informed and a part of the decisions involving each of those categories. We share a dream for our future, and he is dedicated and working hard to reach that goal.
He gets up and goes to work every day to provide for his family. The bills are paid, there is food in the pantry, and there is toilet paper in the bathroom thanks to him. He takes care of the simple material needs as well as the difficult ones, like fulfilling elaborate fantasies, keeping gas in the car, and remembering what brand of tampon I use. We’re moving at the end of the year so I can go back to school, and we moved away from his family because I missed mine. He sacrifices his needs and wants to provide for me. I don’t thank him enough for sheltering me from the rest of the world, and the way things could have turned out. My husband knows what is best for our family, makes a plan, and works to put that plan into action. I can trust him to help me make decisions in how I interact with the world around me, and who I interact with.
Before we were married, I confessed to Andrew that I am afraid of being unable to control my emotions, and myself as a consequence of that. The women in my family, as far as I remember, have been manipulative and emotional. They sacrifice their husband’s pride, dreams, and needs for their own selfish wants. It hurts me to see what has happened to the strong men in my family over the years, and I never want my husband to suffer like that. He has promised to help me keep my emotions and impulses in check, and with his help, I am growing to recognize and control my irrational moods. I still have a long way to go, but when I lose control of my temper, I know that my husband will quickly step up and remind me of his place and mine in our household. He knows what I am capable of, and holds me accountable for my attitude and responsibilities, keeping high expectations of me. He chose me, and loves me for who I am, and accepts everything that I am and will be. I will never understand that, but I am thankful. Even on my worst days, he never leaves for work without telling me he loves me.
In the situation where I must put my opinion out there and make a tough decision on my own, he supports me. I know that he will always side with me if it’s important, even if I’m wrong. He knows when I need him, and offers emotional support, whether in the form of hugs, cuddles, or just a look to let me know that he’s there for me. I know I only have to ask, and he’ll snuggle, no matter what time, day or night. He dries my tears, helps me grieve, and protects me from myself and others who would harm me. My husband is my comfort and my security blanket.
My husband works hard every day to make sure that his family is safe, sane and cared for at all times. I wish I could fully explain how valuable he is to me. There are times when I lose my cool and say things I regret, but I’ll never forget everything he has done for me. Without my husband, I am incomplete, and I have no clue how I would ever have survived without him and his help. Thank you Sir, for loving me, taking care of me, helping me overcome my fears, and training me to be the submissive and woman I want to be.
Last night I noticed that I have posted 400 times, and Jessi has posted 150 times on our respective blogs. It made me happy. that's a lot of commitment to be able to have that many posts.
Main Entry: collar
Pronunciation: \ˈkä-lər\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English coler, from Anglo-French, from Latin collare, from collum neck; akin to Old English heals neck, and probably to Old English hwēol wheel — more at wheel
Date: 14th century
Definition:
1 : a band, strip, or chain worn around the neck: as a : a band that serves to finish or decorate the neckline of a garment b : a short necklace c : a band placed about the neck of an animal d : a part of the harness of draft animals fitted over the shoulders and taking strain when a load is drawn e : an indication of control : a token of subservience f : a protective or supportive device (as a brace or cast) worn around the neck.
Above, you see the definition of the word "Collar". In the BDSM/KINK world, we are quite familiar with the word and all of its wonderful uses (insert diabolical laughter here). However, I would like to take a moment and delve into a different perspective of the word. Let's focus for a moment on the the E: definition shall we? Collar: an indication of control : a token of subservience
In most cases this word would be a noun, but I would like to take a look at it in a new light. Take the word Collar and look at it not as a noun but rather as an idea. Then it becomes to take a completely different form.
In the BDSM world, the collar is normally given to a submissive by a Dom or Master. Most Doms look at subs with a certain look of piety because the sub will never "out rank" the Dom. This is not ALWAYS the case as there are certain variables such as a switch and DID(MPD) but it is true for the most part. Subs enjoy their collars in the way that it allows them to relax. Their collar allows them to fall into a niche in which they feel comfortable. A collared sub doesn't necessarily have to worry about what they need to do, when they need to do it, or how they need to do it. All they have to worry about is pleasing. This is not new to most of you reading this. I would like to offer you a new perspective on this.
I spent two years in the US Navy. During that time, I learned the meaning of Honor, Courage, Commitment, Discipline, Respect. All these things were morals we lived and served by. I learned the meaning of serving for a cause greater than myself. I learned the ART of leading poeple. This prepared me for My Wife and lifetime sub. I learned submission in the military. I learned Dominance in the military. I wore my "collar" well.
After I got out of the Navy, I put on another collar; Marriage. This collar is a little different than the military. For me, it's not like the contract I signed with the Navy. It's not something that you can take off when you need a break. It is a full time, constant collar. This "collar" is fun, sucks, incredibly easy, and insanely hard all at once.I wear no collar yet I say that I enjoy the feel of the collar around my neck. I am the Dom in the relationship yet I bow to the whip of marriage. We all have our collars. What is yours?
When you think of collars in the ideal form rather than physical, you can do a better job of serving. I SERVE my wife better when I "feel" and RECOGNIZE my collar. I charge you to RECOGNIZE your collar! It's not just a collar to your Dom. It's your collar to life. When you see your collar you feel better equipped to serve in your everyday life. You will see a greater output in the effectiveness of the things you do. Your job will be better, your marriage/relationships will improve, and EVEN your family relations will improve! See, feel, and recognize your collars!
Everyone please comment on your newly found/recognized collars.
We all have our collars. Wear your collars well,
Relly
