Dec 27th Danny

While Danny was playing.

He picked Lauren, Emily and Phiar.

Apparently Lauren was trying to hide things again, like her name so she could stay off the list of available toys.   And Phiar was being an annoying cockteasing bitch.
Dunno what I (Emily) did. Think it must have just been my turn.

in the white room

The white room attaches to the living room in our house. It overlaps Vicki and Susy's bedroom if you were to look at a blueprint. The door is only there when Danny wants it to be, and if he gets someone into the room and closes the door, we can't help them until he lets them go, brings them back, is done with them. When you walk in, it's just a rectangular room, with white walls, ceiling, floor. The center of the room is sunken in, with three steps built into the floor all the way around in a smaller rectangle to go down into the lower part. (sometimes. Sometimes it's just a plain flat floor, like this time.) There are candles, or at least the room always feels like it's lit by candlelight, even if you look around and can't see any.

He put Lauren in a cage Silver-colored vertical metal bars about 6 inches apart, and the whole cage was a little bigger than what she would be if she was on hands and knees. This was sitting in about 2 inches of very cold water.
Emily's wrists were chained to the ceiling so she was standing almost on toes, and had trouble looking down. Then there was a revolving um. i dunno. It just moved 3-foot bars around in a circle from their center so that she had to keep stepping over them, but she couldn't see the ground. If she stopped moving it would sweep her feet backwards until she fell and put all her weight on her wrists. They were not evenly spaced.
This was what happened while Phiar did her make-up and got dressed, and picked out her outfit. It took a while. When she was finally dressed, Danny put a ring gag in her mouth and put her under the table, arms pulled up behind her and cuffed/bolted to the underside of the table. She was on her knees, couldn't go anywhere. covered the sides under the table so she couldn't be seen, she was in the dark, basically in a box. face pushed up to a hole and tied there.

Then D tied me (Emily) on my back to the top of the table, naked, cuffed to each corner.  Canes. Fuck, so much canes. And looking at me constantly. Making me cry out, giving me all the kinds of attention I don't want, that Phiar craves- While he had his dick in her mouth. While I was stuck unable to really look away, with nothing to bite down on to help ease any of the pain. He was looking me over not in the way that made me feel comforted, like property or a loved pet, but in the way that made me feel nervous and vulnerable, judged.

Lauren is now tied to a rack, somehow there's something to do with cold water, and something pulling at her jaw, but a lot of that is mental for her and didn't actually show up for anyone to physically see. Naked, scared and shivering. Cold makes the pain worse.  She was also out a lot during the play/torture, so he made her do things physically instead, too. Or would tell her to do something, and just send pain (not to a specific location, just mental pain) if it wasn't done or done fast enough or "correctly."  At one point while it was all playing out, we fell asleep, for about 20 minutes, or at least it's black to us.

When I was out while this went on, I kept saying, yeah.  Mhm, or Mmm as "yes" and after the 2nd time Major said "what?" Danny basically said fuck it, and started causing pain for not being "clear and concise in my speech"   and would extend the torture time. Had to go get drinks, give back rubs, etc.  Back in the white room, he used clamps to pull my nipples up to get I guess better access to caning my breasts.   And I would scream and then hear Phiar sound so angry, and sad.

Danny put us in just a small amount of make-up before it started, and then wouldn't let her show her face, if she was out she couldn't be touched, and wasn't allowed to talk. So when she came out she would just curl up and try to be small.

He let Lauren go first, then me, then Phiar.  I figured she would be clingy after it, but I haven't seen her out a whole lot since then.

Christmas. The long visit.

Went to Major's on Christmas Eve, Master was very nervous and worrying and all that. Has been making himself sick worrying.  After Christmas morning, he has been getting better, seizure and worry wise steadily since. We've had great sex, we've hugged, we've talked!! It makes me so happy.

For Christmas I got
Anvil
Nuclear PJ pants
A huge lollipop
4 awesome candles
2 knives
Chocolate! sunflower seeds and gum.
The first Gor novel!!!!
A rainbow hedgehog named Holly.
gloves x4
a saw for dowel rods
some other tool stuff
a cork board
An amazing and sexy sports bra that I'm wearing right now
A beautiful dress
Boxes of sexy boy short panties. can't wait to wear ALL of them
Foundation
black nail polish
Jack and Sally (nightmare before christmas) lipstick and nail polish, black and red.  Works great.
Foundation x2! the right color.
and lots of peanut butter filled chocolates for Lace
A black jacket from Tom, wearing it everywhere it looks great and is a good thing to wear under my coat.

I know I missed stuff, but those were some of my favorites.

This Christmas I got so many things I wanted and everything has been looking up.


We've been at Matt's since the night before Christmas. Have been going home every day to walk the dogs and trade out clothes, and get showers.


HAD SEX!!! awesome sex that left me in the shower, giggling and wanting to suck dick and stick more things inside myself, also I left a huge pool of blood and cum in the shower floor. It was beautiful. My husband is the best in the world. He really loves me and gets me the things I want and need and takes care of me.

Also, I realized once he was feeling better that I've been feeling resentful of following his orders. Yes, he has a tendency to not care what I'm doing, but I kept sighing and rolling my eyes and giving reasons why I shouldn't go do it. And I caught myself, and asked him to be a little more on me about it. TO help me serve my Master the way I should. He's been giving orders at slightly irritating times since then on purpose, to test me, to make it a sacrifice every time I serve, so that I know I'm doing it for him and not for me. SO that he knows my obedience is a gesture of love.

I'm so happy to have my Master back.

Master and i talked, about how much He's missed me this time. How much time He's wasted. I hope He remembers. Holding Him, connecting with Him, feeling his skin touching mine and how soft and smooth and  just.. remembering things we do and have done together. and love. I love Him so much.

I feel like I almost have to start over though, everything is so awkward and it's almost like I don't know him the same as I did before.


Jeremy in ice. Lauren was cold about it, because she feels like it's fair if it's the thing she thinks it is, when He scared Emily. In our head, I remember seeing her lock herself in her bedroom, and hide in full leathers underwater in her bathtub overnight. And she stayed there. And then when she tried to play at Matt's house, the first time she felt helpless or out of control, she ran back to her room again. She checked out from being out. And we felt the fear.     We didn't even do any real play with matt that night. Because we were afraid.  So yes, I wasn't very -- about it. Maybe I overreacted, but honestly I feel like I have to start over, and He hasn't really touched me since so I haven't had that opportunity and so I'm a little stuck, not knowing myself or my husband at the moment.



I very much can't wait for christmas tomorrow! well, christmas eve is tomorrow, but We're going over there and Master is opening a very exciting very scary present early so that he gets a chance to use it.

Oh shit, the salsa

This song, coupled with the destruction of theramore.

Made me cry. Again.

He fell asleep early. Can't log on to blog, played hearthstone a while. Miss my Master. -Lace

I love make-up sex. Emily is still away for a bit, but she understands. just needs some time to herself.

Lauren.


I begged not to come anymore, and he told me to hush and that I'd be done when he was through wth me and I'd cum as many times as he wanted me to until he was done.


hottest sex EVER

You are a gorean slave in a red dress.

Oh look at all the sleeping bodies

I have lots I want and need to get done before Christmas.
I'm terrified i won't get it done in time.

Instead, we're now working on my "attitude"

I act like he never pays me any attention, apparently. I told him if he paid more attention to me, it wouldn't be an issue.   Somehow, this makes me wrong, but it makes sense to me.

I am starving to TALK to people. Literally. Just talk. Bounce great ideas off someone whose mind I appreciate.  I miss my husband.



I'm keeping busy. I'm not just sitting around waiting on him, making it seem like it's been a long time. I'm doing things. But when I see that no one else does anything without being asked to do it, and they don't even offer to help me, it hurts.


I told carly to do things.   Hell I told her it was ok to be on the computer even though i wanted them done before he got home. She bitched about not having a break after getting out of a 2-hour shower.  She didn't get them done before bedtime. She sat on the computer and played wow.  He didn't back me up. He just sat there.

AND for the record, yes I did tell her to "eat first"  But she was on the computer "waiting for her ramen to cool" from the time she opened the packet until actual dinner was ready.

To Do Tomorrow

Take Pictures of finished finger floggers for collection of things I've made file.
Box floggers with business cards, one should say Merry Christmas on the back.
Begin canning apple butter
Pick up money from Wal-Mart.  Pick up wrapping paper from walmart
Mail floggers. (have address)

is susy's birthday today.

I got fussed at cuz I didn't want to tell anyone.

Daddy got me a cute new stuffy.  I like it lots.  It's a pink zebra named Zazzy.  I think Sassy like the cat from homeword bound.

I am making apple butter today!


Well, i started it. It needs more time and tomorrow I will finish it. It's a lot of work!!

But it will be yummy and good presents.

Play Kidnapping, Fantasy vs Realism

So when a girl has a kidnapping fantasy, everything about it sounds so romantic, so sexy and hot. This is what i think the difference would be like.


Fantasy, how you imagine and fantasize about it.

It's the middle of the night, and she doesn't even wake up to someone coming in the house. She wakes up when they put the duct tape over her mouth. Her first instinct is to scream, and her hands are already tied when she reaches toward her face.  It's dark but she can see the outline of someone, and they have something over their face to make it look like nothing is there. Just a gaping darkness instead of a head. A hood goes over her face, cutting off sight and she is instantly helpless. Suddenly the sheet she was sleeping on top of is being wrapped around her like a cocoon, pinning her arms to her side. He picks her up and tosses her onto his back and just carries her out of the house over his shoulder like he's moving a rug. A quick toss in the trunk later and there is a small light inside, enough to not be total darkness, but not enough to see through the hood. She can move enough to get comfortable. This part is over quickly, or feels like it because she's so afraid or excited. She catches herself masturbating in the trunk and then starts trying to get loose. She manages to be almost free of the sheet and reaches for the hood and duct tape right when the trunk opens (she didn't even notice the car stopping) but he stops her and pulls her out of the trunk, and roughs her up a little, shoving her inside, and onto the floor. It doesn't hurt too bad, there are even blankets on the floor. And of course the rape goes perfectly. She's so scared she's soaked and doesn't need foreplay, and she was either sleeping naked or wearing sexy clothes that she doesn't mind losing. The clothes make that perfect ripping sound when they're cut off, and he slaps her around just enough to get her to spread her legs. He takes off the duct tape but not the hood, and right after forcing it in (what a fun little struggle), gives her a sip of wine, with a threat if she doesn't. Hot as hell make-out session ensues where she's all timid and he's forceful and demanding and bites her lip so hard she tastes blood. The sex is fantastic. Then the rest of the wine. Cuddling until the drug kicks in and she passes out. She wakes up back in bed at home, no clue who it was.


Realistically.

She knows something is up almost from the start. because the people in her house are acting funny. She plays along for a while and eventually they make a move. It takes a few minutes to get her to a semi-manageable position, and then even longer to tie her hands while she's struggling and screaming bloody murder and biting everything she can reach. Even tied up it's a nightmare to get her down the stairs, and they almost drop her. When she realizes it's going to be the trunk she redoubles her efforts and manages to grab on, legs like a vice. She hits her head and says OW like it's their fault. Finally, after lots of pinching and shoving and hard work, she is laying in the trunk. the only thing to do now is get her feet off of the inside lid to actually get the damn thing shut. Even though she knows everyone there, she still fights like her life depends on it. Cunt punching doesn't work, and eventually someone thinks to tickle her. SLAM. It's hot in there, and gets hotter. She's sweaty and breathing hard. The car starts and within minutes the driver runs over a curb. Somehow she hits her head twice doing that. It's a long drive, because they go everywhere to try and lose her, but all it does is get really hot and really boring. And lots of minor bumps to the head later, they try to pull a very angry girl with one numb hand out of a trunk. Someone gets kicked in the nose. Finally a good reach in gets her by the hair and they drag her in (who forgot to put something over her face?) and throw her hard onto a bed. She throws an absolute fit to save the shirt, and then locks herself in the bathroom. The bitch takes a fucking shower. Finally, opens the door. Everyone rushes her and she just gives up this time, but it's too late for that. And then no one brought condoms. Why didn't they think of that while she was in the shower? Ok, you tie her down, I'll go get condoms. Lots of rugburn, dicks getting stuck on lips, and anal with only spit for lube later, she's crying, with make-up running everywhere, and having a great time. People argue. Canes are used too much, there are hickeys where there should never be hickeys, and someone has poo on their dick. Eventually, after being completely exhausted and begging for it a long time, nipples are played with.   And mouths are taped, and pictures, (wait who OK'ed pictures?) are taken. Cum and drool and spit and snot and maybe even a little blood is everywhere. Who used the last towel to wipe shit off on? Ok, you can go home like that, here's your shirt.... riiiiip.   Asshole.   But I don't have any other clothes here!

Christmas list.

Christmas List

Notepads
Sticky notes
Cinnamon, vanilla, or berry scented candles (I like the ones that smell like fruit loops) and (No green ones please they make me sneeze. )
A hand saw.
Black nail polish


A box of wood screws so I can use chuck more
Various sized pieces of wood
Metal doo dads - Hinges, eye hooks, eyelets, key rings  other fun metal things to play with.

Snacks:
Cherry Lemon Sundrop
Sunflower seeds
gum
yoohoos
chocolate

Personal I want these from my DADDY
Foundation
Warm gloves (because I want before christmas)
sports bras
nipple clamps


And my list from last year, just took out the stupid stuff.
http://www.thethingsiwant.com/dpolter/list/wishlist/&oPage=0

I just got home today, and Daddy bought me a horsey and a lollipop for christmas presents!! I can't wait to make a saddle!

susy/candy


Lots to do today.

Carly job apps turn in
apples from grocery store.
finish toy.

call lots of people.

My collar is very heavy today.

Beautiful starry eyed sex today. I still feel great

I just had sex. And it felt so good. I'm still happy. Dressed up for my master after the sex it made me feel pretty

Monsters-R-Us "Freak"

found this and had a good laugh. sharing. 

11-4-2009

So it was a regular day at the one-stop shopping (hyphen) gas station until a strange-looking character came in. Oh we get all kinds. Let’s start with the normal customers though, so you’ll understand what was so weird about this guy. There’s Isaac, the twitchy geek in a trench coat buying lotion and a flea collars. Edward, the pale skinny kid with dark hair in a trench coat. He has multiple piercings, dark lipstick and a fake permit to get blood for his “diabetes,” which he still thinks is a legitimate excuse, even though I’ve told him every day for the past 2 years that it’s legal now. Then, there’s Lanara, she bought dark sunglasses when she first starting coming here. Now she only comes in once every two weeks to buy a can of sardines,  air freshener, and cat food.  She wears those sunglasses, a long-sleeved shirt, a toboggan, jeans, and a lot of makeup every time she comes in. The guy who came in the other day, well, he was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, bought toilet paper, and actually looked me in the eye and smiled before he left… Freak.

I folded almost all the laundry today!

I spent last night at Major's house, because Master thought that alone time might help, he was a bit grumpy.

When I finally forced him out of bed and out, he was still a little sullen but quickly perked up when he found some pudding to bring home.

We had a big movie night, with Gremlins 1 and 2. They were AWESOME.

Everyone else hates old movies because the special effects aren't as good, but honestly they're a lot better to me. i don't get overwhelmed as much. and Susy can really get into it.

Master bit down on my hand in the car on the way home from the store, and it hurt so much, but felt so so good. I thought I was actually going to come on myself in the car from the pain. I haven't felt that good that fast in ever. I told him it's the best thing that's happened to me in the past 2 days.  I wasn't lying. I want more.

He's kissing me lately. More. and hungry. I want it so badly, I just want to drag him to bed and make out with him for hours.

I miss my Master all the time. It's like love and missing him are the same thing.

Master has been asleep since i came home. I miss him desperately. And i'm worried about him. I think he's depressed.

Joanna's first exam. Erotica I like.

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Danny- the compromise and freedoms.

The past week has been completely crazy.

Thanksgiving at my parents house and then at Major's, too.
Movies with Major's family for his dad's birthday.
Free day in which kit showed up and asked for the money we owe him, even though he said we didn't have to pay again until January.



And while all of this is going on, Lauren and Danny were fighting , sort of. Lauren was trying to keep Danny from telling Major things that could be used against us later. Danny punished her for it.

No one wanted to deal with it, because it had been so long, and they hoped it would go away on it's own. They knew it would be trouble. No idea what would happen.  Hell, the idea of what had suddenly become a very tentative compromise blowing to hell was pretty frightening to all of us. Lauren wasn't going to tell. She didn't feel like she could, Danny was watching her too closely.

Susy told Master.

And so began the long process of figuring out how to give Danny what he needs without hurting everyone all the time and people limping for days.

The Compromise from Master to Danny is this:

"If they start shit, you can finish it."

So if we pick on Danny or mess with him or anything else, he has permission to set us straight. And that includes torture.     But only until we give in. No farther.


And Danny is allowed to help (encouraged!) with training in the future.

Danny and lauren had a fight a few days ago. Last night we reached a better compromise. An even playing field. Thank you master

There boots are FROM my family, and if i lied about how i got them i would never forgive myself.

The more i walk the more i think about my boots, what they mean to me, how they make me feel, and how i'll explain them to my family

Personalities and songs

Figure you already know these, but since I actually put them all together, I wanted to share.   :)  Plus it's good music.


Please don't leave me -Pink      (Danny)
Drilled a Wire - Blue October   (Danny)
Lying...    Panic at the Disco Danny
Inside of you - Hoobastank   (Danny) 


Dark Horses - Switchfoot         (Lace)

Perfect - Alanis Morissette       (Candy)

Applause - Lady Gaga             (Phiar)

Colors  - Crossfade  (Emily or Sydney)  Always get Bodies - Drowning Pool stuck in my head after this song, they're my two favorite mood songs.




Other Mental bookmarks for me.

The Waterboarding scene   Flyleaf  -Again

the hotel scene   Halestorm - Nothing to do with love



(An imaginary interrogation scene) (Can't stand the actual video, but that's ok, I have something else in my head for it anyway.)

Asking for my mind to go away almost got me butt raped

Stayed at Major's last night.

Master is watching Dr. Who.

We made tacos, and ate pie.
Also had spaghetti with mushrooms.

Lace ate a ton of spaghetti and almost made us sick. I finally realized she had overeaten as I was taking off my collar and I was like "Fucking bitch!" and made her come back out.

Something I wrote for a contest in 2010. 200 words or less Nightmare Contest.

The Duct Tape is Silver. There’s something comforting about the quiet. It’s so soft and cheerful. Like the snow covering your house and my footprints, allowing me not to disturb the dog chained out front. There’s also something smooth how duct tape keeps glass from breaking loudly. In fact, I may already be in your kitchen. No, don’t go check. If I haven’t broken in yet, you’ll bring the dogs inside and I‘ll have to kill them, too. If I am in the house, you’ll find the broken glass, and I‘ll have to kill you before you scream. There’s no point in being loud, really. That’s what got you into this trouble in the first place. I was in the library, minding my own business. Doing my crossword, in fact, and you stomp in saying they’re charging you “an insubordinate amount.” I was only there for the quiet, and you had no respect for anyone, or the silence. It was as if I was sitting in the woods watching a deer, and you shot it. I watched the silence die. So when I’m standing behind you, I’ll be sure to grant you the courtesy I didn’t receive. You won’t even know I’m there.

Research Essay, Race Bannon

This assignment is not an essay, Master just wanted a brief overview (I have been assigned two names this week), the "short list" so to speak. I'm not sure if all of his accomplishments and history can be compiled into a short list and i would like to post personal interests and such as well if I can find them.

Race Bannon joined the gay leather community in 1973. He is a dominant male, and has been in a triad relationship for over 16 years. He loves rope and bondage and has written a bestseller on the topic, called Learning The Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun SM Lovemaking.  A lot of the classes that he teaches and information I've seen on the books he's written seem to be focused on teaching beginner skills or info. Also interesting to note is that his books are not solely for gay leather but for the pansexual community as well. (Which is awesome!) He has won numerous titles, taught hundreds of classes, written 2 books, changed the way the kinky community operates (DSM Project and the KAP Project), started a publishing company, and is currently a director or board member of several main groups, websites, and clubs. This guy is amazing.

I'mm going to try and put the accomplishments in chronological order, that should be a great picture!!

1973 Joined Gay Leather Community
1986ish Founded KAP (Kink Aware Professionals) (Directory) organized this list of kinky professionals that Guy Baldwin had started collecting.
1991 Southern California Master titleholder (along with Mike Pierce, as Southern California Master and slave 1991 contest winners).
1991 Southern California Regional Pantheon of Leather Community Service Award, 1991
1992  Wrote/Published  Learning The Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun SM Lovemaking
1992 - Founded and Edited Daedalus Publishing Company
1993 Southern California Regional Pantheon of Leather Community Service Award, 1993
- 1994 Led The DSM Project to change the way the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) categorizes it's definitions of mental illness in relation to kink  (can't find much on this group, surprisingly, as it was the subject I was the most interested in!)
1995 Large Nonprofit Organization of the Year Pantheon of Leather Community Service Award, The DSM Project (Race Bannon, Project Leader), 1995.
(Info hints sometime in the 90s) Co-Founder and Board member of National Leather Association Los Angeles.
2001 Deadalus Publishing Company was acquired by Overstock.com
2001 Featured in Out of the Darkness: The Reality of S&M A Documentary produced by Hardy Haberman
2005 Featured in Vice and Consent, a documentary Vice and Consent (winner of Best Documentary at the CineKink Film Festival in New York)
2005/ Jan 2006 Turned over KAP (Kink Aware Professionals) to NCSF National Coalition for Sexual Freedom
2006 National Leather Association International’s Lifetime Achievement Award 2006.
2010 Mister Marcus Hernandez Lifetime Achievement Award (Man) Pantheon of Leather Community Service Award, 2010
2011 San Francisco Bay Area Leather Alliance Philip M. Turner Lifetime Achievement Award 2011
2013 Received National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Creating Change 2013 Leather Leadership Award

Current 2013
Current Board of Directors member and Social Media Director for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.
Current Board of Directors Chair for Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities (CARAS).
Current member of Board of Governors for the Leather Hall of Fame.
Current Advisory Board member for The Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance.
Current member of the Chicago Hellfire Club.

(Can't find a date: Website) Past Board member of National Leather Association International and Avatar Club Los Angeles.

(Can't find any info on this) Produced and Hosted  Bound To Talk (Kinky Internet Talk show)  
(Can't find a date or advice column) Written many articles on sexuality and a former sex advice columnist.

IMPORTANT notes of changes to DSM III - V on paraphilias



Resources Used:

http://bannon.com/bio/
http://bannon.com/kap/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daedalus_Publishing
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kink_Aware_Professionals
http://www.leatherati.com/2013/01/race-bannon-receives-leather-leadership-award/
http://www.daedaluspublishing.com/titles.htm
https://ncsfreedom.org/press/blog/item/ncsf-press-release-race-bannon-joins-ncsf-board-of-directors.html
http://67.159.222.79/interviews/racebannoninterview.htm
http://leatherhalloffame.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=12&Itemid=15
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraphilia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Leather_Association_International


With all the information I have on the subject, it maybe be prudent to write an essay on the changes in the past DSM books regarding sex, paraphilias, homosexuality etc. and how these are important and affect our day to day lives. 

My research list for my weekly essays.

List of Names on Paper from Mama Vi at LHC 2013

Race Bannon
Guy Baldwin

Women's Leather Movements:
Dorothy Alison (LSM)
Pat/Patrick Califa - Writer of 50+ fiction books (Samoa organization for leather women) Book called Coming to Power.
Dr Gayle Ruben Dr in cultural anthropology
Jo Arnone

Baroness Monique Von Cleef - Arrested in 1964 for being a pro domme returned to US in 2006 (Would not give up her client list)
Victoria Catherine Carti (Penthouse) 1980's Variations Magazine Publisher

Geoff Mains -Writer Helped found NLA Urban Aboriginal
Larry Townsend- Erotica Leathermans Handbook Traveller-Green cover
Chuck Renslow Photographer (50s) The Male Physique Photo of Tony Curtis Gold Coast Bar
Peter Fiske -Spokesperson --Founder of Aids Emergency Fund
Steve Maidofe - NLA Purpose statement Living in Leather National Leather Association
Jack Jackson Blackjack
Pat Bond - Eulen spiegel - TES
Bill Larkin - Secretly funded his organization -- Society of Janis South -- now Threshold
Robert Embry - H.E.L.P Homophile Effort Legal Protection - Drummer Magazine Genie Barn "LAPD frees the slaves"
Tony Deblas - Desmodas Publishing - Dr. William F. Deblas Publisher of Drummer NLA (Dungeon Master) Magazine (Desmodas is a type of bat)
Marco Vassi - Writer/Pornographer John Preston Gay Male fiction
Reverend Troy Perry - writer "The Lord is my shepherd, and he knows I'm gay" Metropolitan community church - nondenominational -Documentary "Fish out of water"

John Preston
Jay Marston
Alex Warner
Tomi Ungerer

History of Gold Coast Bar
Rough Bars
macadori fund
mama sandy
leather and levi
spirit of stonewall awards
vanations magazine
Book - Coming to Power
LSM
IML Leather Pride Flag (History) - Out of the darkness
NLA
Book - Child of the Blood Tonya - Cub (my leather chaps)

Update of Collar of Protection Agreement

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To Do

Finish finger floggers I started (the turks head knot at the top is killing me, have to change the key chain ring to make it do-able)
Finish Purple-tipped cat-o-nine (or something close to one, it has 5 braided falls with sharp tips). Need to wrap handle and maybe add a top to it.
Finish 2 essays. One on Race Bannon, which I have started research for. One on Guy Baldwin, which i have not even thought of.

Take a nap. I have been so tired today! I've done nothing at all, and I feel completely worn out.

Punishment and really good sex.

Master gave my collar back today. Well, put it on me. It was taken away from me on 11-12-13. It's been a week.  (11-19-13)

It was a pretty strong reality check to realize how much it grounds me. I didn't think about it so much when I didn't have it, except to feel a rush of anger every time I saw it on His belt, but thinking back over the past week I really have 1) avoided the black choker I was supposed to wear in it's place when i always look forward to having my collar put on and taken off in the mornings and at night. 2) I don't listen half as well when i don't have that reminder locked onto me.



Now, about that sex.  (- Lace) (11-16-13)

He told me to imagine I was in a dungeon. A real dungeon. I had been there for days, chained to a wall. My next meal was barely visible in the moonlight across the room. I was cold, naked, wet, and chafed. I am starving, and dehydrated.  With this setting, Master fucked the hell out of me.

I was stuck for a while, in "the middle" - I kept begging please because I was to the point of arousal that it was so strong it was painful, but I couldn't cum, and I felt like I was hitting the wall over and over instead of getting there or turning off and I couldn't explain what I needed from him, but I think he knew. The only thing going on at that time was sex. No more story, no other touching, just penetration, and I think I was stuck too far into reality to make it either way.  I don't remember what he did to bump me over the edge, but I remember that he added some other form of distraction/arousal/stimulation and then I was seeing my wrists tied straight out from my sides, leather glove/cuffs tied to them pulling my hands tight, and I saw a doorway opening down a dark hall, and there was a light behind it, and it was opening so slowly and I wanted that door to open so badly. And then I would see Master again, and I would be having sex, and I almost wanted to yell "WHAT are you doing here?" and then I would realize without him I wouldn't be able to see the door, and I would go away again. It was beautiful, and intense, and horrifying in a way that really turns me on.  

After the sex, I kept drawing out the original fantasy he told me. Wondering when I get to eat again, and how much torture I could, or would be forced to endure before I would get food. or water... I would do more for water than for food.   But the dangers of getting water could be that I would be forced to orgasm over and over again, since I'm a squirter, it could be even more dangerous.

Phiar would like me to give you a friendly notice that she will probably be out today.

-Emily

you can come tuck me in now.

please


Phiar

Recipes I've been looking up lately.

Top 2 that I want.

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/bloody-good-cranberry-punch-10000002012846/


http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/pumpkin-chocolate-chip-cake-50400000116408/

the pictures look so yummy!!

If it is turkey, substitute chicken, if ground turkey or pork, substitute beef.

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/chicken-tortilla-soup-50400000124179/

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/pulled-chicken-sandwiches-50400000114264/

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/beef-stew-with-peppers-10000001892166/

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/chili-beef-soft-tacos-10000001875563/

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/easy-mexican-casserole-50400000107005/

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/slow-cooker-shepherds-pie-10000001892145/

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/slow-cooker-turkey-tacos-10000002001162/

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/turkey-chili-cheese-pie-cornmeal-50400000116319/

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/classic-minestrone-50400000116318/

(Daddy will like this one lots I think!)
http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/slow-cooker-bratwurst-with-sauerkraut-apples-10000002012861/

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/tangy-asian-meatballs-50400000107922/

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/meatloaf-with-mozzarella-mushrooms-pepperoni-10000001892119/

If I could get a yes/no response to this list maybe via fetlife I would really appreciate it. then I can take the NO's off my favorites list.

Halloween day (-candy)

Today Carly carved her pumpkin, and it turned out amazing. she has never carved a pumpkin before, and she did the carving part better than I ever have.

Emily made a whip yesterday for our sister Beckie's halloween costume. She wants to keep it.

I'm trying to ignore Relly and Carly. they are sort of fighting. I know it's not really fighting, because she just doesn't understand what He's saying (She keeps being disrespectful, backtalking, and correcting Him when He says things. And says she thinks his instructions are stupid.) about things. And she does it in front of people, not just when we're alone. If she disagrees, she can not keep it to herself. ever. And she won't shut up about it.

I won some hearthstone game quests.

It's time for me to go to bed, and now I have to wait for Him to explain to her AGAIN why she shouldn't get a determined look on her face and look up what he told her, and then wave the info in front of him. I hate waiting to go to bed when i asked a while ago to be put in bed, and now I her being bad gets to go in front of my being patient, and nice and a good girl.  It feels very unfair.

I made a non-pumpkin today. out of leather. I hate it and it's ugly.

I am having a very difficult time not being pissed at carly.

She is doing the least work possible at all times so she can sit on her ass and play wow.

She put meat in the freezer yesterday and didn't put it in a freezer bag. so now it is literally freezer-burned a day later when i need to use it.

she did the dishes in the kitchen (washed them) and left them wet and dripping on the counter.
She didn't even get the dishes from the living room before sitting back down to wow. they're still beside her.


SHE DOES NOT GET CREDIT FOR THE KITCHEN BEING CLEAN WHEN i AM DONE WITH DINNER. I DO.

I put in the work to finish the things she left because she "doesn't know what to do with them"

I put away the spices, and the random dishes and threw away the trash on the counter and cleaned out the fridge and picked up the dirty dishes from all the rooms in the house (except the ones sitting right beside her)

And she has an attitude about it. I told her yesterday to put away the groceries so that she would know what we have. And she did it as quickly as possible and went back to wow.


And the trash in the kitchen is her responsibility an it's overflowing and I am so mad, but it's petty for me to throw my food scraps in it and make her clean it up later.



But I want to.

I want to stay quiet until I'm done cooking, adn then go in there and do as many fucking push-ups as I can. then take a break, and then do more.  I want to push so hard and so many times that she learns a lesson.


I'm so angry. And I don't know how to process it, because he doesn't seem to think it's that bad, but I was the one who had to go behind her and fix it so I had space to cook.   and it hurts.

Back from LHC.

Things to remember that make me so proud and encouraged, and validated!

"and he turned and said to me, 'she's crazy like you' and I said, 'umm, that water's pretty damn cold, I don't know if I'd do that'"  My favorite adorable gay man from the tradesmen.

"They look like they were made for you. They belonged to my cub, my daughter." Mama Vi Johnson

"Those chaps were given to you by Vi Johnson and you don't know whether they are yours to wear to the dinner? Fuck yes they are!" Master Rick

"You asked me to show you what the future of leather looks like. Disregard the gender, and look at this couple for a moment. Look at the love and devotion of these two people, look at the heart. This is what the future of MAsT is going to look like." Mama Vi, talking to Master Taino... about my Master and me!! I sat there in shock! 

 "For years, I had begun to believe that a real slave did not exist, that it was not possible to find a person who would be happy in that position. And then I met you. You showed me that slaves can really exist!" DaddySpanks

 My Master, going up in front of the whole group and telling me that I deserve my boots, that I have earned them, that I am His strength and that He loves and needs me and putting my boots on me... All while I'm bawling my eyes out for the hundredth time. I have really, really. Honestly and truly earned my boots. I am so proud of my leather. It is 100% mine. I don't doubt it now. I had so much doubt about myself and my worth and whether anyone noticed. It's completely gone now.

The moment jumping into the pool. Someone took a video of it, and I'd like to post that on fetlife. It was a complete shock to my skin. I was instantly (but only for the first instant, and only on my skin) covered in freezing ice cold water. I was afraid because I didn't know what to expect, and it hurt, I guess, but it was really just the most amazing feeling, even if it only lasted a second. I jumped in, and then, because of the complete rush of awesomeness and because I wanted everyone to know I was ok, I threw my hands up in the air... and everyone cheered for me.

Realizing that one of the people who saw me naked when they were towelling me off and keeping me warm was Jo Arnone and then finding out who she is, and what she has done for the community, and that she thinks I have nice tits ("this is purely for medical support")  really put me in shock.

3 kisses on the lips from Gypsy. One after I jumped into the outdoor pool in 40 degree weather to raise money for LHC ($200), one when I gave her the $2025 total from the silent auction and blush brush sales ($90), and the last one after she gave me my LHC patch, but before we left to go home.

"Now we can start learning."  Gypsy, referring to us getting back on track with the mentoring program. She wants to read my essays, and I hope, give me advice and encouragement on it.

Mr Wolf instigating me being given chaps.

The moment when I realized that even though I don't like a few people, I still respect and admire them.

My heroes have told me that I am a good girl. They respect me. They see me as family, as one of their own.    It's so amazing and wonderful, but it's so unreal and hard to accept.

My Leather Boots.

boots boots booots boots boots.

:D

sp sleepy. sposed to be in bed. had to write it down though.

So important. and happy and sexy and badass.

happy happy happy  and BOOTS and they fit and I love them and ... yummy.

she's awake. and now.. she's barefoot in the kitchen.

frustrated.

I am exceedingly frustrated with Carly today.

I went to bed early. I woke up on time.

She is still asleep at 10:00 AM and probably will be until 11:00 AM when Master wakes up.

There are dishes in the sink that she left "to soak" (which means, the dishwasher is full and i don't want to handwash them)

There are no clean spoons, because

when she loaded the dishwasher, she didn't turn it on (I presume to buy herself time not having to do dishes in the morning after breakfast)

There hand towel that I was expecting wasn't there. This happens a lot in the mornings, and usually I'm the one to replace it.

The gnats are coming back again (they do that when she starts sleeping late and not doing things)


And I don't know if this is from her or not, but the chunk cheese was in the fridge without a wrapper/bag on it. Sitting on top of a baggie of uncooked bacon.  I think this could be her, because she has a tendency to EMPTY something and either put it back (oh this makes me SO mad!!) or leave it out but not throw it away.


And I still think it's really unfair that as long as she gets up before him, she's not in trouble. I shouldn't be the only one up in the mornings!

push-ups today

In one sitting, I did
25, caught my breath, 20, caught my breath, 5 more to even it out.

lots of thoughts.

I am in hush right now. Master put me in hush last night, it helps calm me. It helps me sleep and be unafraid.

The visit with Master's parents was the best we've had. They bought us both lots of stuff, which made me very anxious, but i got a lot of clothes I really like, and Master got a new pair of jeans and some shirts that he really needed.  We ate out a lot. They spent a crazy amount of money while they were here. They were nice, they didn't say anything bad about us, or the house, or anything. It was really fun. I was so tired, but it as fun, and I'm so glad that he got to sped some good quality time with his parents.

It's almost 10:00 AM and Carly is still in bed. I've called her, and turned on the lights in her room. I'm finishing my journal before I wake him up, hopefully she'll be up by then.

I would like to request that I be allowed to stay in Hush long term today, when it's possible. I understand that it isn't possible around Major's parents, but it seems feasible for the rest of the day maybe. I feel it would allow me to follow orders better and concentrate more on my responsibilities than what everyone else should be doing. I very much feel it would help me feel more in my place. It was so jarring to hide my slavery for that long while they were here. I admit, having doors opened for me was very nice, and romantic and all, but I wouldn't give up following orders for it.

Side note:  I feel that Master may be overestimating how much I try to get Carly in trouble though. I feel that more often than not, I am keeping her out of trouble, telling her what she needs to do before she gets in trouble for it.


This is my last mention of having sex outdoors. If we don't plan for it, it will not happen, and I know that I have been on the verge of nagging, using it in arguments. It's something I REALLY want, but it's getting colder every day, and This is my decision to drop it. If Master would like to talk about it, that is fine, but I will not bring it up on my own.

I am concerned that Carly is being pushed to say red too often. YES, it is important to get her comfortable with saying it, but it is also important that she know that play isn't meant to end in red EVERY time. Also, I'd hate for her to overuse red at LHC.  


 --and I don't like Major trying to take control over her. I was thinking about it, wondering why he doesn't play with me like this, because I can handle pain like that, and then I realized it's because he tried this, and I would not obey someone other than my Master just because they tried to tell me what to do. I resented it, because it did not begin with major asking, "may I?" before playing that he is going to bend my will to his.



AND I SUCK at this TP PYRAMID THING. HARD!!! I keep trying but I always mess it up. (maybe spankings or something would help?)


Thank you for considering my thoughts and concerns, Master.

21 push ups this morning before Master told me to recover. Not permission, but an order to stop pushing myself.  I should have done push-ups earlier than that today, and also yesterday when she was being a brat. But he doesn't like it. Even though it's the only thing I have when I am angry.


I tried to masturbate .. I spent 30 minutes or more trying to find a video that turned me on.

I found from 3:30 in this video http://www.xvideos.com/video3019809/bdsm_brunette_walked_down_the_streets_and_fucked_in_bus til the end. Two minutes. I tryied hard to hold on to that image until i got in the shower. In bursts my husband, singing a song from a musical made in the 1930s or so.

I spent my masturbation thinking about:

What still needs to be done today? Carly- Vacuum, make dinner, wash dishes.
I want to work on making those chaps.
Did i finish my to do list?
Master promised to have sex with me outside. I hope that happens before winter.
I must be impossible if I can't find my own clit. Ohh, that feels good-- damn, lost it.
FUCK! What movie was that song from? The sound of music. I can't believe he burst in on me singing THE SOUND OF FUCKING MUSIC.
Why is all my music on pandora suddenly complete and total shit?
this isn't going to happen, is it, self? No, I'm sorry self, this is not going to happen.


This is not a guilt trip. This is to help my Master understand the underlying thought process and possible grouchiness when i leave my room. I could not turn my head off, and that is not Master's fault. Or mine.

back again.

I have not blogged in forever. My phone is not working to text to blogger, and Master's laptop won't let me type on the blogger website. I haven't been on my computer since 10-4 except maybe to play wow (but not even long for that!)  

I need to be journalling everyday with everything going on around us, changes being made so quickly to everything. I understand how important it is, I just have not made the time to do so lately. I am supposed to journal daily, according to my master, not just my own wants and needs.

I have a lot to talk about and very little time to do it.

I left my tools out overnight last night. I completely 100% forgot them. I had several prompting reminders that did not turn the light on in my head. I couldn't find the very last toy I made, which was outside. When we came home from the munch (last night) the porch door was unlocked and the upstairs outside light was on. I even locked the door and turned the light off!! I woke up and heard the rain this morning, and not until i was almost almost awake and ready for my day did it dawn on me that I hadn't brought anything back in before we left.

My hammer, my stapler, my bag of staples, and my new favorite blush brush (white outside with brown fuzz) were outside in the rain all night. I am literally disappointed in myself. My tools are so very important to me, and I need to take much better care of them.

I NEED to not let this happen again. I have to remember my tools. this isn't the first time I've forgotten things outside. I don't know how to train this behavior, and Master, I need your help.

I am my Master's slave.

this is ridiculous. blogger is stupid

Been waiting for Master to put me to bed since 11:20. That's when He discovered Carly asleep. Again. This is the third time she's overslept/ taken a nap she's not allowed/slept when she's supposed to be meeting a deadline. Today.

I find it incredibly unfair that I have to lose sleep waiting on her to be punished for getting more sleep than everyone else. (At the wrong times) I am currently out of bed past my curfew because she keeps going to bed during the day and staying up all night to play games.

He's really hurt and upset that she hasn't told him happy birthday, or even acted like she cares.

She broke our Me Too mug, one of the only things left from the two weeks before we were married. He's so angry, and she doesn't even apologize, she just KEEPS making excuses. He cried. That mug meant everything to him. It was a physical reminded of how much we love each other.

We went to the pottery place and painted today. I made a really pretty cat, and can't wait to go get it and see it when it's baked and pretty. His name is splashes.

My belly hurts and I had a hard time eating. I wanted to eat at 5:30 but carly was asleep, and we didn't have any milk, so we didn't get to get food until 9 something-- and then I couldn't eat it. I felt so sick. We had to go and get me a sandwich from somewhere else, and i sill didn't finish it.


Major got Daddy a computer mouse and his really wanted South park action figures!!! He was so excited, he started playing wow again. it was nice.

I'm really sleepy. I've been waiting an hour.

Master's birthday

22 push ups because I was upset with carly for being attitude-y while she was in hush. It's his birthday, and she's not even trying to be civil. It really makes me angry.

the AC is fixed now.

I feel like I'm in hush when she is, i get the same tingle, strings holding my lips closed mentally -- I don't want to talk when she's in hush, because I don't want to add to the issue.

Happy Birthday, and puddle love sex.

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I've been really emotional lately. I'm not even bleeding yet and I'm out of my mind moody. Think it's because carly is on her period.

finished cateloging the LHC stuff. today.




Carly got in big trouble today. I should have been in big trouble, but he's easier on me when he's actually being strict and structuredness. Also i think i looked really pathetic when he came in to punish me for being angry at major and pointing a knife at his had when he was holding my hair.

carly was supposed to interview major for a leather essay that she has due in 23 hours. he's been over the past 2 days in a row, and she hasn't asked him question 1 yet. She also forgets a lot of stuff she's supposed to do, and then thinks that she shouldn't get in trouble because  she's bitchy enough to intimidate people. So she did lots of push ups and he lectured her a long time. He listed stuff I'd even forget she was supposed to do. I was scared. Not bad I guess, but I felt guilty because he doesn't get that strict with me and i feel like I deserve it more than she does because she can't help it that she's stupid sometimes.


I actually know what needs tobe done and rite lists and double check it and still don't journal every day.

I realize at the end of the night that the dogs weren't walked as often as they should have been.

my mage hit 90 today, that's #3.

And Master is right, I should, I do know better.


OK, he's done pooping. it's time for bed now.

Essay assignment: My leathers.

My Boots 12-27-2011

They smell so good, they're knee-high, they have laces, buckles and no zipper so that every time I put them on I am reminded of what they mean, the time and effort and discipline that goes into the leather lifestyle. They lace all the way up the front, and then there are five buckles that go over the laces. They are of course black, no shine (yet, there will be soon), heavy, durable, hard core, and totally kick-ass boots. Also, they smell good (better than a new car). The soles are an inch thick with screws in the bottom to keep the sole secure. They are also acid (and a bunch of other stuff) resistant, so I can pretty much walk everywhere, which is good, because I am expected to follow the lead of my Master, which can take me some pretty crazy and kick-ass places.

My boots are also my first piece of earned leather. They were presented to me by SargentMajor, who just yesterday placed me under his collar of protection. He is my Master's leather brother, and as such, is kind of like my "Uncle Major" in a way. He says I earned them. Coming from someone who knows me as well as he does, that means a lot to me.

My boots were presented by SargentMajor, but they were gifted by both SargentMajor and my Master, Relly. Of course, it was a total secret and surprise to me, because unlike me, they both have awesome poker faces and are good at keeping secrets.

Leather takes a lot of work. It has to be treated, it has to be kept clean, taken care of, shined, and respected. Some may even go so far as to say that you can build a relationship with it, and get to know it. If you don't take care of it, it deteriorates, but if you do put in the time, the effort, and the respect, it will take care of you, too. This also applies to the leather lifestyle.

I have grown a lot in the past few years. I've tried a lot of things that scare the shit out of me, and (with a lot of help from my leather family) gotten out of my comfort zone, pushed some hard limits, and learned a lot. I tried needles, waterboarding, entered a title competition, got my ears pierced for the first time ever (this was one of the things that really turned out well in the long run, and I love them so much), and Master and I are even considering getting me a few other piercings. Now, the things I listed are mostly the kink part, the play stuff, the fun. But I have also learned a lot about people, about safety, about relationships, trust, hard work, respect, and dependability. I'm not going to list the things I've done, because that's not something to be pointed out. That's my responsibility to the community, it's not something special, I feel like it's my job. Who I am is what's important. If I give my word, it reflects on me, my Master, and our group, Kinky Catawba. I do my best to be dependable, honest, and supportive of the people around me.

My boots mean to me:

People respect me.
People see me as a leader, even though I don't do the "public speaking thing."
I'm officially a part of the community now!
I'm doing something right, so I should keep doing it.
Next time I really will kick D_C's ass, with these kick-ass boots. ;)
I'm going to learn how to shine boots now.
I own these. Master allows me to own these. (That brings the butterflies the most.)
So much that I can't put into words right now.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Blog entry on leather vest. (July 5, 2013 - Master officially gave me my leather vest today)

---------------------------------------------
My boots were officially given to me in December of 2011. I was so proud at first, and then the happiness slipped into sadness and regret. See, they're too small for me, and it makes me feel as if they were never really mine to begin with. They are beautiful, and they represent to me the hard work and the love and effort and time that I have poured into the community, but they have also come to represent the feeling of not fitting in to our community, and the feeling of not being noticed, or important. When I acknowledge these feelings instead of bury them, it also makes me feel as if I don't deserve my boots in the first place. I now have boots that are to represent the boots given to me by my Master and Major, and they are the style I have worn as long as I can remember, they are comfortable, they fit me, and they make me feel safe. But I still feel like something is missing, like I don't deserve them, maybe because of the very fact that i doubt myself.

Since the original writing about my boots, I have been not only learning, but teaching. I have helped bring people into the lifestyle and shown them where to go and what to do next. I have learned more about making toys, and actually started to like some of the things that i make.

My vest was officially given to me on July 5th, 2013. I'd had it for a very long time before that, but it was only to keep my buttons on, and show my slave status. At one time, my Master was very clear that it was not my vest, that he had something specific in mind for me to accomplish/learn before it would be mine. A short while later, he said that it had become mine and he had changed his mind on the requirements. This didn't feel right to me, but I didn't argue with him, i just kept my feelings to myself. It didn't seem right to tell him it wasn't mine when he said it was, even though it hadn't been given to me. About a year later I woke up crying about my vest, and my biggest fear was that I wouldn't feel as if I had a right to it if someone challenged me on my ownership of it, that i would embarrass my master and disagree with him. That day He officially presented me with my vest. In his eyes i had already earned it, but he knew that I needed it the assurance that it was actually mine. I am now confident in my vest and proud to wear it. I don't doubt myself or drag my feet when he wants me to wear it to events. I know that this represents who I am, where I've been, and reaffirms my slavery to me and those around me.

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Scene with Major, and carly cooks chicken

I got beat today. Major came over for chicken that carly made, and we ended up playing. It was so much fun! Well. It hurt a lot, but I liked it. (susy)  Carly was really grumpy today, even though he let her sleep til 4pm.Carly set stuff on fire inside the microwave. It made the house smell bad forever. BUT it was SO YUMMY

It was our day off today, because we worked so hard for MAsT -- to get the house clean and perfect looking and set up auctions. It was a good day off.


9 pushups this morning,  at Master
21 tonight.  At myself for having to yellow, twice, the 2nd one ending the scene.

30 pushups today



More on the scene tomorrow when I have my computer.

MAsT

MAsT today, Lots of work went into the house to make mast a success. Master was very distant directly after MAsT though. We bickered at each other at night when he took carly to get some food.

I was really hurt about it. my blog post (that didn't go through because I never sent it since there's no point if blogger isn't receiving anything from my phone anyway) went as follows:

I'm not bad, or disrespectful, or lazy or passive aggressive or bitchy or irresponsible. I know I have been a good girl today. I am not going to stop doing what I know I should be doing. I am a good girl.
(And if it makes it more dramatic, add in that I was crying while writing this.)

He told us that we would have tomorrow off, but honestly I don't see what difference it makes. Things still have to get done.

From my phone. 9/20/13

Carly woke up as soon as I turned on the light this morning. I'm really proud of her! She's been up and doing her chores since I woke her up, and she even straightened her hair.

I don't plan on waking Master up. I'm going to let him sleep in because he is still sick and needs as much rest as his body will let him have. I know it makes him feel like he's missing everything, because he's always sleeping, but he needs sleep to get better, and this is maybe the second day he's been able to sleep restfully since we've been to the emergency room. 

Pushups today.

19 + 6 = 25  2:00 PM
8 before midnight.

33 Push Ups today


From now on, I am under the Standing Order to do push ups when I am unable to control my temper with Carly. Both of us do push ups, if I am angry because she was disrespectful.


Honestly though, I think it helps give me an emotional release, but I'm not sure it will calm me down. But I guess at that point it's already an admittance that I am not able to teach or train her at that point.

Master cheered up tonight. We watched a movie and all cuddled and ate ice cream - we bought a big tub of cookies and cream and made s'mores. We watched ocean's 11. The grocery shopping was difficult, and carly drove there.

We're trying to get back on schedule.  It's 9:00 something and I'm wide awake. Carly slept late today, and Master is still wandering around the house half asleep as well. He's trying to get an appointment this week. If they can't do anything else for him, maybe they could at least get him something for the mood and behavior changes. He's been so sad lately. Last night was the first time in a week he's been happy. 

9/16 from phone. never published.

I am afraid. I am afraid because he is sick and i can't help him. I am afraid because I always need him more.

Almost got in trouble today, because I literally refused to go play WoW when Master told me to. I folded laundry first, because I was afraid it would pile up, and then I went and played. I've been playing since we got home from trying to dispel Master's restlessness. He doesn't feel well yet.

I made cornbread today. Twice. The first one was really tasty, but was small, and crumbled immediately. The second one looks more like cornbread and stayed together, but didn't really have much taste.

Master doesn't feel well.

My Master loves me.


I am tired. I am overwhelmed. I am about to break. I will not break. My Master needs me.

I hope he feels better when he wakes up!

I think he will like the new patch. I only saw part of it, but i really really think he will like it.

9/14 from phone - never published.

I keep going to take my birth control and forgetting. Also I really want to journal but it feels hard to find time.

9/13 from phone, never published

Canella heating and air truck has driven by three times while I've been walking Penny.

Things I'm currently worrying about. -Lauren

1) Pregnancy. What if I missed taking pills for a week longer than I meant to when Carly got here? I woke up sick last night. I've been having other small changes with my body. If I'm pregnant, what if i hurt it by taking birth control?
2) I dreamed last night that you died. It's the second time in a week.
3) I stink and feel gross and unpretty. none of my outfits will go together like I imagine in my head. Also, i hate hugging people when i know I smell bad.
4) The power cord and foot pedal for my sewing machine is probably going to be around $50. So either we spend a lot of money on it, or it's useless.
5) The allergy pills alone aren't working, and it wears me down physically to itch and blow my nose 24/7. Probably adds dehydration, which may be why i feel so tired.
6) My foundation doesn't match my face, but it's expensive, so I know I can't ask for it.
7) I have been getting away with the things Carly is being punished for. I missed journalling I think 2 days, and when you were yelling at her for being out of uniform, I went to the bedroom and changed into uniform. I've been waiting for a time to tell you, but I also keep forgetting. I'm worried that when i do tell you, you'll be upset.
8) Money. This is always on the list. But we're a lot tighter this month than normal. And we have an extra mouth to buy straightening irons for.
9) I miss my closet/ being tied to the bed at night/bondage things.
10) I'm afraid that you'll take this as bitching, and not realize that I'm trying to be open with you in the way that I am required by my rules.  I want to memorize my rules again.
11) I want to squirt more and I need practice. Which probably means anal. Which scares me a little even though i like it a lot.
12) Lace is worried you're still mad at her for the night you didn't finish the bedtime routine.

"Master is considering allowing Major to use my snap and hush commands to help me relax/let go when we play."

I went to visit major for several hours on tuesday. We played, wrestled and stuff. I've been very overwhelmed and burdened lately, and Master wanted me to be able to relax for a little bit. I've really missed him, and we had a lot of fun. I still couldn't get everything out of ym head though. After I came back hoe, we talked a lot about what's going on with me, adn He helped me feel a lot better.

Yesterday, Master and i spent the day together.

9/12 from phone - never published

My head is pounding. I think it's allergies.

Pictures of recent projects

Life can be really rough, but especially when we're tired.

Master and I got into a fight last night, and it is my personal opinion that we both said and did some petty things. I felt that I only acted in response to the way i was treated, and felt that was fair. I still feel as if i was pushed past my limits on purpose, and then punished for breaking. I am calm writing this. It isn't intended to be spiteful, snarky, or blaming. I am trying to summarize what happened and how I feel in regards to it. He only popped me on the mouth. He grabbed me and rolled me over and popped me on the mouth. I saw a flash though, and that scared me. I just knew something had broken or been damaged. He dared me to say something else and I wanted to scream at him, but my brain took over and kept saying be quiet, don't move. I just kept seeing it over and over. Be quiet, don't move. He kept pushing me, even after everything was over. I had some time on my stomach with my face in the pillow, and I felt warm roll down my face. It surprised me because I didn't think i was crying, but I kept feeling warm drip down my cheek. He said he was going to leave. I waited. Be quiet, don't move. He made me roll over and asked all kinds of questions. Was i sorry, was he right, did I understand, was i lying, did i want him to hold me, did i want to be alone. I answered one out loud and then I couldn't say the others. I was so angry and scared at the same time. I wanted to scream that i was going to cut, and I fully planned to, which is why I didn't say anything. My scissors are on the desk, and i wanted them near me. I just tried to do and say the right things, and I did everything right, even though i couldn't look at him, until he kissed me. I couldn't kiss him back. His voice got dangerous again. I couldn't think of anything except I'm sorry, I wasn't ready, do it again, and I couldn't bring myself to say it. I finally (as he was getting more angry with me) thought to say that my mouth hurt. At some point I asked him to leave since he'd told me I could sleep alone, and he left angry and said (as if I'd planned it) "you know I don't have anywhere to sleep, right?"
I showered, put on pajama pants with a drawstring, put on my leather cuffs that make me feel safe, got my wolf stuffed animal and held it, and slept like that. He came in again and i tried to say i was sorry for making him not have a place to sleep. I don't remember much else.

I swore I would be angry when i woke up. And i was for a little bit. I was angry while I put on a tank top and not a t-shirt, and when I put on my collar, and when I thought about not waking up carly so she would get in trouble... But I got up, fulfilled my responsibilities, and tried to look out for my sister, who can get in enough trouble on her own. I made the coffee special.   I 100% know that my Master was calm while i was punished. I wasn't, but he was.  And I am his property, that is true as well. I feel that for what I did, I was correctly punished. But I feel that it was completely unnecessary.


And i am hurt that when he woke up the next morning he still blamed lace. I wanted, I desperately wanted him to wake up and say I'm so sorry, I didn't finish it. i was so tired, and I should never have done it if i was going to call you my submissive, here, let me make it right. I NEEDED last night to be special, since the night before was so broken. Instead, my routine was glanced over in the middle of an argument so he could go play with legos and snuggle carly. And I was harshly scolded for expecting my needs to be filled -- because I'm a slave and he isn't required to give me anything.

I'm not angry right now, but so much damage has been done. I dread going to bed tonight. I'm already tired, but I dread the arguments we've been having nightly.

I would very much like some quiet, calm discussion about our nights and what we can do to keep them from becoming the time when we take out all our frustrations from the day on each other.




I found this The Prime Directive on fetlife, and it rambles a lot but has some very important points.

"It is the primary responsibility of the slave to protect the master’s property at all times, up to and including protecting the property from their master."


'How elegant it is when the person who owns you says, “You are mine. And as my property, and the most precious property I could possibly be pleased to own, your first job is to maintain my property. To be transparent with me, to tell me honestly how you are, to share with me when you are struggling: this is how you please me. And furthermore? NOT telling me if you are troubled or struggling is in direct conflict with my wishes.”'

I thought the bottom one might be important to explain to carly that she needs to take care of herself. And maybe about her responsibilities in our house etc. 

Don't wake me when you come back in.

A submissive is someone who lets another specific person or group of people tell her what to do. She does this because she enjoys serving or making this person happy. She can serve a specific function, like sexually pleasing, or she can serve generally by just following commands.  Being a submissive can be a role-playing, part time role, or it can be a full-time, serious role. It is not easy to listen to another person all the time. It is very hard, especially when one or both parties is angry, wrong, or just plain does not feel like fulfilling their role or duties to each other. Since submission is giving over a part of oneself to another, it is necessary that the submissive fully trust and respect the dominant. Without that trust and respect for the other person, neither the submissive nor the dominant can fully commit to the power exchange part of the relationship. One doubting the other can cause the entire relationship to falter. A full time D/s relationship, while more serious, is not without it's own types of play and fun. While the "yes sir's" are full time instead of on the weekends and during sex,

--I don't know a lot about having fun and play in a submissive role yet. I was asking more questions about that, but kyle says there are. ---


Claire

9/8 from phone. never published

We talked about the last time I came out, before we were married. I think Kyle likes me a little more now. -claire

Links to my exercise essay research

What level of exercise to start at, what type of food to eat beforehand, what level of exercise to do.
http://www.fitwatch.com/faqs/activityfaq.html  --- finished---

http://www.acefitness.org/fitnessqanda/default.aspx
http://www.acefitness.org/fitnessqanda/fitnessqanda_display.aspx?itemid=368
http://www.acefitness.org/fitnessqanda/fitnessqanda_display.aspx?itemid=264


What type of exercise should I do?
http://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/exercise-fitness-frequently-asked-questions


Questions to answer in my exercise essay:
Should an overweight person start working out slowly?
Should an overweight person do a specific type of exercise to begin?
What types of food should you eat before PT?
What is the best time of day to PT?


The best routine for exercise.

1. Warm-up (walk around or start the activity at a slow pace for about five minutes to get your heart rate up)
2. Stretch
3. Exercise
4. Cool-down (a reverse warm-up; you want to bring your heart rate down)
5. Stretch again

If you have not exercised in a while, you should take a rest day at least every other day until you feel ready. 

If your weight does not change immediately, do not be discouraged. It is often the last thing to change when getting back onto shape. The first things to change are often resting heart rate (which will be lower with improvement), body measurements (which will decrease gradually if you are trying to lose weight since you will also be gaining muscle), ease in completing the same task (you can do more, faster, better), and clothes or jewelry may become loose.