Master and I got into a fight last night, and it is my personal opinion that we both said and did some petty things. I felt that I only acted in response to the way i was treated, and felt that was fair. I still feel as if i was pushed past my limits on purpose, and then punished for breaking. I am calm writing this. It isn't intended to be spiteful, snarky, or blaming. I am trying to summarize what happened and how I feel in regards to it. He only popped me on the mouth. He grabbed me and rolled me over and popped me on the mouth. I saw a flash though, and that scared me. I just knew something had broken or been damaged. He dared me to say something else and I wanted to scream at him, but my brain took over and kept saying be quiet, don't move. I just kept seeing it over and over. Be quiet, don't move. He kept pushing me, even after everything was over. I had some time on my stomach with my face in the pillow, and I felt warm roll down my face. It surprised me because I didn't think i was crying, but I kept feeling warm drip down my cheek. He said he was going to leave. I waited. Be quiet, don't move. He made me roll over and asked all kinds of questions. Was i sorry, was he right, did I understand, was i lying, did i want him to hold me, did i want to be alone. I answered one out loud and then I couldn't say the others. I was so angry and scared at the same time. I wanted to scream that i was going to cut, and I fully planned to, which is why I didn't say anything. My scissors are on the desk, and i wanted them near me. I just tried to do and say the right things, and I did everything right, even though i couldn't look at him, until he kissed me. I couldn't kiss him back. His voice got dangerous again. I couldn't think of anything except I'm sorry, I wasn't ready, do it again, and I couldn't bring myself to say it. I finally (as he was getting more angry with me) thought to say that my mouth hurt. At some point I asked him to leave since he'd told me I could sleep alone, and he left angry and said (as if I'd planned it) "you know I don't have anywhere to sleep, right?"
I showered, put on pajama pants with a drawstring, put on my leather cuffs that make me feel safe, got my wolf stuffed animal and held it, and slept like that. He came in again and i tried to say i was sorry for making him not have a place to sleep. I don't remember much else.
I swore I would be angry when i woke up. And i was for a little bit. I was angry while I put on a tank top and not a t-shirt, and when I put on my collar, and when I thought about not waking up carly so she would get in trouble... But I got up, fulfilled my responsibilities, and tried to look out for my sister, who can get in enough trouble on her own. I made the coffee special. I 100% know that my Master was calm while i was punished. I wasn't, but he was. And I am his property, that is true as well. I feel that for what I did, I was correctly punished. But I feel that it was completely unnecessary.
And i am hurt that when he woke up the next morning he still blamed lace. I wanted, I desperately wanted him to wake up and say I'm so sorry, I didn't finish it. i was so tired, and I should never have done it if i was going to call you my submissive, here, let me make it right. I NEEDED last night to be special, since the night before was so broken. Instead, my routine was glanced over in the middle of an argument so he could go play with legos and snuggle carly. And I was harshly scolded for expecting my needs to be filled -- because I'm a slave and he isn't required to give me anything.
I'm not angry right now, but so much damage has been done. I dread going to bed tonight. I'm already tired, but I dread the arguments we've been having nightly.
I would very much like some quiet, calm discussion about our nights and what we can do to keep them from becoming the time when we take out all our frustrations from the day on each other.
I found this The Prime Directive on fetlife, and it rambles a lot but has some very important points.
"It is the primary responsibility of the slave to protect the master’s property at all times, up to and including protecting the property from their master."
'How elegant it is when the person who owns you says, “You are mine. And as my property, and the most precious property I could possibly be pleased to own, your first job is to maintain my property. To be transparent with me, to tell me honestly how you are, to share with me when you are struggling: this is how you please me. And furthermore? NOT telling me if you are troubled or struggling is in direct conflict with my wishes.”'
I thought the bottom one might be important to explain to carly that she needs to take care of herself. And maybe about her responsibilities in our house etc.
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