November 30 backposted

11-30-11
He's disgusted with me. Everything He says to me is in the tone of, "I can't believe what I put up with." Not just disgusting, that's too easy to explain. Distasteful. That's the word Phiar uses to explain the way she feels about humiliation. It's a polite way of saying, "That shit grosses me out, makes me uncomfortable, and I don't know how anyone finds it attractive, much less puts up with it." And He feels that way about me! Everything He's said to me is infused with it. I keep trying so hard, and everything I do is absolutely useless, and selfish, even though I'm trying so damn harrd to do what He wants. I tried to get his bed ready and food, tea, water, laptop even if He wanted it. He rejected the food (the frustration started when He was still at work, I asked too many Qestions about what He wanted, and He hung up b/c I couldn't get it right.) Hell if I thought it was all role play I'd be in humiliation heaven right now. I begged Him not to leave when He woke up, I only embarrassed myself... He was enjoying Matt's company and I ruined it. He said at least I could get Him soe food to make up for it, and I mess up- mouthed off- again. I made soup and warmed up some bread. He didn't want soup. He tried to eat it anyway, but it was cold. He may as well have called me a stupid bitch and slapped me across the face. He didn't but I feel like I fucked up enough for it. I keep hearing the irritation, the disdain, the malice, disgust in His voice and I feel absolutely worthless. I only want to be everything He wants, needs, craves, and desires- and He says I'll never be exactly what He wants, I'll never stop frustrating Him! I'll never think like Him, He'll never be able to train me to be what He wants. And i want to cut I want pain I want to crawl into a hole and fucking disappear if I can't be or do any of that. I disgust Him. He asked (I woke him up. Fucking stupid whore) what's wrong with me that I want to cut. What's so bad? Is it all too much for me? Just can't take it anymore? Stupid useless disgusting fucking creature. Stop fucking crying. don't blow your nose, I can't talk if you don't shut up. I held my breath for as long as I could - I apologized 10000 times tonight. for Everything.  Am I so pathetic that I want to cut just to feel His hands on me? I need His approval and love. I need to earn it. I didn't say I loved Him, because I was going to cry more and I would have died to disgust Him again. "Whatever."

11-30-11

I want a sharpy. I want to cut. I want to write---

disgusting piece of fucking shit
useless ungrateful bitch
is the big bad world too much for you, little girl?
cutting is fucking pathetic
why don't you just grow up?
cry baby
bubble nose
stupid weak runt
wasteful
ugly snot face
disgusting
why don't you just go ahead and cry some more? that'll fix everything. 
go ahead and cut. I don't care. 
Why are you using a marker anyway? fucking useless. 
can't even cut right. 
stupid      ANSWER ME
I should sew your mouth shut if you won't answer
SWITCH. That fixes everything, doesn't it.
can you do anythign right?
I don't need you.
get out
scared little baby
cry baby
do you need your mommy to come save you?
clutz

-----All over my body