midnight

everyone just went to bed. and I still want to fucking cut so badly. I didn't tell major, even though I wanted to. I sure as hell won't tell Kyle, I'm not looking for fucking attention, I just need to  get control of myself. ... I was writing out I need time to get ahold of myself. stupid. fucking stupid. I've had HOURS to get control of myself. I'm not wanting to cut less, I'm just still fighting. I can't sleep, I can't go into either room with either person and feel ok or, fuck, wanted. I told Him I wouldn't be going to bed in there, so I won't go back on that. I don't want to hear Him tell me how He thought i didn't want to be in there, or maybe i got rejected by major? I know what would trigger me, and I won't risk it right now, I'm too close anyway. I was so fuckign close. I took the scissors to the bathroom with me and I wanted to so bad! hell  don't know why I didn't.

I was going to eat the rest of the treats, too. I fucking deserve it for not cutting, I thought to myself. i thien I thought, hell I deserve to be able to cut. Why not? I want it. I yelled at major. over stupid shit. and I kept going fro happyesque to sad, gloomy, sulky angry frustrated.