11-30-11
He's disgusted with me. Everything He says to me is in the tone of, "I can't believe what I put up with." Not just disgusting, that's too easy to explain. Distasteful. That's the word Phiar uses to explain the way she feels about humiliation. It's a polite way of saying, "That shit grosses me out, makes me uncomfortable, and I don't know how anyone finds it attractive, much less puts up with it." And He feels that way about me! Everything He's said to me is infused with it. I keep trying so hard, and everything I do is absolutely useless, and selfish, even though I'm trying so damn harrd to do what He wants. I tried to get his bed ready and food, tea, water, laptop even if He wanted it. He rejected the food (the frustration started when He was still at work, I asked too many Qestions about what He wanted, and He hung up b/c I couldn't get it right.) Hell if I thought it was all role play I'd be in humiliation heaven right now. I begged Him not to leave when He woke up, I only embarrassed myself... He was enjoying Matt's company and I ruined it. He said at least I could get Him soe food to make up for it, and I mess up- mouthed off- again. I made soup and warmed up some bread. He didn't want soup. He tried to eat it anyway, but it was cold. He may as well have called me a stupid bitch and slapped me across the face. He didn't but I feel like I fucked up enough for it. I keep hearing the irritation, the disdain, the malice, disgust in His voice and I feel absolutely worthless. I only want to be everything He wants, needs, craves, and desires- and He says I'll never be exactly what He wants, I'll never stop frustrating Him! I'll never think like Him, He'll never be able to train me to be what He wants. And i want to cut I want pain I want to crawl into a hole and fucking disappear if I can't be or do any of that. I disgust Him. He asked (I woke him up. Fucking stupid whore) what's wrong with me that I want to cut. What's so bad? Is it all too much for me? Just can't take it anymore? Stupid useless disgusting fucking creature. Stop fucking crying. don't blow your nose, I can't talk if you don't shut up. I held my breath for as long as I could - I apologized 10000 times tonight. for Everything. Am I so pathetic that I want to cut just to feel His hands on me? I need His approval and love. I need to earn it. I didn't say I loved Him, because I was going to cry more and I would have died to disgust Him again. "Whatever."
11-30-11
I want a sharpy. I want to cut. I want to write---
disgusting piece of fucking shit
useless ungrateful bitch
is the big bad world too much for you, little girl?
cutting is fucking pathetic
why don't you just grow up?
cry baby
bubble nose
stupid weak runt
wasteful
ugly snot face
disgusting
why don't you just go ahead and cry some more? that'll fix everything.
go ahead and cut. I don't care.
Why are you using a marker anyway? fucking useless.
can't even cut right.
stupid ANSWER ME
I should sew your mouth shut if you won't answer
SWITCH. That fixes everything, doesn't it.
can you do anythign right?
I don't need you.
get out
scared little baby
cry baby
do you need your mommy to come save you?
clutz
-----All over my body
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
cascade
I admit y worse fear from last night, telling Him I was afraid that He was disgusted with everything I did, I probably misinterpreted it, I was very upset and really wanted to cut- and He tells me, "No, you were right. I was absolutely disgusted with everything you did last night." He said that He felt like I was trying to take care of Him to get Him to shut up, instead of because I love Him. He knows better now, but at the time He was genuinely disgusted and couldn't stand me. Fed up, even.
I wish I had cut.
Being of no use, and even a hindrance to Him is definitely good enough reason for me to hate myself and just want to fucking bleed, to hurt, to suffer.
I did it for Him! Everything. I just wanted to be good, to be useful, to show Him how much I love Him! None of it meant anything to Him. I'm just an annoyance.
I wish I had cut.
Being of no use, and even a hindrance to Him is definitely good enough reason for me to hate myself and just want to fucking bleed, to hurt, to suffer.
I did it for Him! Everything. I just wanted to be good, to be useful, to show Him how much I love Him! None of it meant anything to Him. I'm just an annoyance.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
the sex last night (PS lol)
It was SO good. He just rolled over while I was playing with myself and my toy, and kind of propositioned me, but there weren't condoms in the room... and He went and got them for me! He didn't make me get dressed and go get them, and I couldn't believe it. I thought that after so much stuff and all the shit we've been through lately, He'd say if I wasn't willing to put in the effort, He'd just jack off and not fuck me- But He went and got the condoms! and then He kind of spooned me but I was turned toward Him with my upper body, and He played with me and rubbed me and it was a slow, deep hard fuck. It was amazing. It lasted for probably an HOUR. I was so out of my mind enjoying it, too. and it was warm and I was being touched and loved and He didn't want anything from me except to watch my face, and He kept telling me how beautiful I am... It's so weird, (I'm crying now for no reason!) I never usually want that, and I didn't want that. I didn't ask for it, I didn't say I felt unwanted or ugly or anything- I didn't feel those things! But He made me feel beautiful, which is something that I don't really ask for anyway, or want often or... GRRR! I'm not explaining what I mean. I mean that I didn't know that I needed what He gave me. I didn't know that I was capable of accepting it. I didn't think that it would turn me on, or open me up in the way that it did. I really needed it, and it's helped me feel better about myself.
to remember
razors
dr clockwork
overnight list - epilepsy meds, allergy meds, ibuprofin, pads/tampons, what clothing do we take?
He's sick at work, has thrown up several times, and called to find out what I would make Him for dinner because He's very hungry. Trying to find out what He wanted, I upset Him somehow, and He hung up on me. I was pretty angry, and went upstairs in a huff, but then I saw my engagement ring, and I put it on, and my collar, and I reminded myself how much I love Him... and I'm trying to make things comfortable for Him for when He gets home.... He's about 15 minutes late right now, and I'm really starting to worry.
I'm trying to plan how to do a red alice costume for Leather Fet, but Master didn't seem too enthused, and kind of threw my idea out... I really wanted to do it, too. I wanted to have my hair in pigtail frenchbraids, tied with red ribbons, wear my red dress, and tall striped stockings... maybe my boots, maybe not. and I would need another red ribbon around my waist.
http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&biw=1024&bih=635&tbm=isch&tbnid=i8WTmwg9tKSlxM:&imgrefurl=https://marketplace.secondlife.com/p/Wishbox-Alice-in-Wonderland-Red-EGL-Goth-Gothic-Dark-Alice-Costume-Dress-Valentines-Day-Outfit/1872643&docid=HaODyqYm-JvB1M&imgurl=https://d44ytnim3cfy5.cloudfront.net/assets/2907955/lightbox
/AliceBoxRed2.jpg%253F1296094846&w=668&h=525&ei=t53VTtnTM8KKgwf7kqGbAQ&zoom=1
http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&biw=1024&bih=635&tbm=isch&tbnid=MD8f_gTiMzsZGM:&imgrefurl=http://www.sexycostumes.com/american-mcgees-dark-alice-costume.html&docid=3XJh5eImIHZ_xM&imgurl=http://images.sexycostumes.com/mad-alice-costume.jpg&w=350&h=500&ei=t53VTtnTM8KKgwf7kqGbAQ&zoom=1
the pics i like.... think He's here! (10:30 pm)
11pm He went straight to bed when He got home. Laid down for about an hour, and then had to get up and walk around again. He slept a lot at work, so I guess He's not so tired right now. He threw up at least twice at work, and wasn't ready to eat when he got home. He was earlier, but when He got home all He wanted was to sleep. and now He's wandering around the house, not very sleepy after all. I was playing bejeweled, and after talking with me for a bit and helping me get to lvl 9, He tripped over the computer cord on His way out and I had to restart. -Also, note to blogger, my auto-save didn't save for a full 30 minutes, and I lost a lot of blog in that time!-
I think that someone should give dr clockwork a chance. I don't know what his humiliation interests are, but I don't think it's fair to judge his ability to get into someone's head just by the fact that he's "not a marine."
Also, I was thinking that it could be a fun challenge for me, well, mostly for Lauren... To be in a fast-paced multi-changing scene. The rule of the game would be that no matter what was being done to me (obviously there would be some hard-limits set, and so on) I would have to switch or change or pull someone who enjoyed it, and keep going with the flow of what happened without crying, or getting upset or anything like that. --my first thought was to have someone who didn't really know me try to make me cry or something, and tell Lauren her task, but not tell them that I'd be trying it. but I guess that wouldn't be fair to them or me really. It could get pretty nasty pretty fast.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
"moved"
we're Moved" if by moved you mean we have the dogs set up outside major's house so that we don't have to worry about them at home. We also have moved all of my vibrators, and His toybag (and "mine" - he thought it was totally cute that I made my own when there wasn't room for my stuff in what used to be my toybag), and a few days worth of clothes (we forgot the dog food, my PJs, and His phone and charger so far). We've got to go back first thing tomorrow to take the trash to the dump (Major had come over last night so He could take the stuff to the dump today, but it's not open Sundays, so we left the truck and moved the dogs here) and then Major has a doctors appointment tomorrow that he'll have to be back for..
Master says He liked my new ideas/take on my rules. I'd like to have a sit-down chat with him about them, but... that will have to wait I guess.
I've been super anxious and bitchy this whole time, and then Major suggested we move out today and then just come back and either trash or pack things from then on and I flipped out, because I've been worrying about my engagement ring, and I was so scared I'd never find it if we didn't find it before we left. We did end up finding it, in fact, Master found it! I was so happy, it lifted my mood for about 2 hours before I really realized AGAIN how much work we have ahead of us. I keep going to bed tired every night... and the arguments are getting worse and worse. I'm scared, because IO love Him so much, adn it's really hurting our relationship, I think. Im' afraid it is. We're both saying some really nasty things when we start fighting, and I don't know if we're just finally saying what we really think of each other, or if we're so upset we resort to hurting the other person because we feel cornered.
He put me in Five today. It's been so long! I was so angry, and I just wanted to ignore it, but I've needed it, too. It was a stupid over nothiong argument, but I was through arguing and wanted to go to my room and sulk, and went off down the hallway. He called Five, and I stopped in my tracks, waiting for Him to say it again to enforce what he said, like always. I'm never sure the first time I hear it, so I wait until the second time so that I don't end up in Five for an hour before He realizes I'm missing or something. He didn't call it a second time, so I had to choose. I was angry, and didn't want to obey, but I knew what it would do to our M/s trust if I didn't. I stepped to the right, and after about 20 LONG seconds, went into position. I started crying as soon as my nose was to the floor. I don't know why I was crying, it just felt like I was broken. I guess if I really think long and hard about it, it was like I gave Him the fight. I had things I could still say in anger, or could hurt Him more by running away, but by obeying, I ended the fight without "having the last word" and told Him that He was more important to me than what we were fighting over, and more importantly, my pride. I knew He could have hit me if He wanted to, but somehow I knew He wasn't going to punish me any more than the position, He was testing me. It was almost like He was asking me if I still loved and respected Him... I know I'm making too much out of it, probably, but it meant a lot to me. I don't know if He said it or not, but when He let me recover, I felt like he said "good girl". and I haven't believed Him when He's said it lately. It just feels like He's throwing it out there to try and cheer me up, not because I actually deserve it. And when I got up, everything was better. I felt better, the anger was gone from both of us (I think).. and I felt so much better. Thank You, Master.
Time for bed. We have an early day tomorrow. and the next day.... and the next day.. lol. until december 5 and 6th, when we get to rest, but then on the 7th is a drs appointment, so.. lol.
and job applications, too! I have to fill out stinking job applications.
Master says He liked my new ideas/take on my rules. I'd like to have a sit-down chat with him about them, but... that will have to wait I guess.
I've been super anxious and bitchy this whole time, and then Major suggested we move out today and then just come back and either trash or pack things from then on and I flipped out, because I've been worrying about my engagement ring, and I was so scared I'd never find it if we didn't find it before we left. We did end up finding it, in fact, Master found it! I was so happy, it lifted my mood for about 2 hours before I really realized AGAIN how much work we have ahead of us. I keep going to bed tired every night... and the arguments are getting worse and worse. I'm scared, because IO love Him so much, adn it's really hurting our relationship, I think. Im' afraid it is. We're both saying some really nasty things when we start fighting, and I don't know if we're just finally saying what we really think of each other, or if we're so upset we resort to hurting the other person because we feel cornered.
He put me in Five today. It's been so long! I was so angry, and I just wanted to ignore it, but I've needed it, too. It was a stupid over nothiong argument, but I was through arguing and wanted to go to my room and sulk, and went off down the hallway. He called Five, and I stopped in my tracks, waiting for Him to say it again to enforce what he said, like always. I'm never sure the first time I hear it, so I wait until the second time so that I don't end up in Five for an hour before He realizes I'm missing or something. He didn't call it a second time, so I had to choose. I was angry, and didn't want to obey, but I knew what it would do to our M/s trust if I didn't. I stepped to the right, and after about 20 LONG seconds, went into position. I started crying as soon as my nose was to the floor. I don't know why I was crying, it just felt like I was broken. I guess if I really think long and hard about it, it was like I gave Him the fight. I had things I could still say in anger, or could hurt Him more by running away, but by obeying, I ended the fight without "having the last word" and told Him that He was more important to me than what we were fighting over, and more importantly, my pride. I knew He could have hit me if He wanted to, but somehow I knew He wasn't going to punish me any more than the position, He was testing me. It was almost like He was asking me if I still loved and respected Him... I know I'm making too much out of it, probably, but it meant a lot to me. I don't know if He said it or not, but when He let me recover, I felt like he said "good girl". and I haven't believed Him when He's said it lately. It just feels like He's throwing it out there to try and cheer me up, not because I actually deserve it. And when I got up, everything was better. I felt better, the anger was gone from both of us (I think).. and I felt so much better. Thank You, Master.
Time for bed. We have an early day tomorrow. and the next day.... and the next day.. lol. until december 5 and 6th, when we get to rest, but then on the 7th is a drs appointment, so.. lol.
and job applications, too! I have to fill out stinking job applications.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
November 21, 2011
Yesterday was Sam's bday. I gave him a gallon of chocolate and let him hit me repeatedly with nerf disks. We played Catan, which is a fun but long and difficult game. Mom won, like always. I tried to think of memories I have with Sam, and couldn't come up with anything other than times he'd gotten hurt. Everything else involved arguments with mom, or us fighting. I know we have fun memories, but i honestly couldn't remember anything. It really upset me.
I recently remembered that I have other interests than sex, bondage, fetish, and submission. It took me by surprise how much I enjoyed playing WoW. I really wanted to learn more about guitar, and start writing again. Hell, cooking even. Then again, I'm thinking cooking because I'm hungry.
We're moving in two weeks. And I have to pack the whole house! And I don't even know where to pack it for! SIGH But it should be fun.
I recently remembered that I have other interests than sex, bondage, fetish, and submission. It took me by surprise how much I enjoyed playing WoW. I really wanted to learn more about guitar, and start writing again. Hell, cooking even. Then again, I'm thinking cooking because I'm hungry.
We're moving in two weeks. And I have to pack the whole house! And I don't even know where to pack it for! SIGH But it should be fun.
for Your consideration.
Rule 1, I will not Self Injure in any way, be it physically causing harm to myself or withholding from myself something that I need.
Rule 2, I will be clear and open regarding my needs and desires, both in everyday life and during sex.I will inform my Master when I feel the desire to cut, and I will use my safeword when I feel I have reached my limit.
Rule 3, I will take care of all my needs to the best of my abilities, asking my Master if there is a need I am unable to meet alone, and will dress according to my Master's direction.
Rule 4, I will refer to my Master as Sir, unless otherwise instructed.
Rule 5, I will be respectful of myself, both by my words and actions, as it is necessary to respect myself in order to respect my Master.
Rule 6, I will be respectful of my Master, both by my words and actions. It is my purpose to please Him, and disrespect is not to be tolerated.
Rule 7, I will wear my collar always, and will obey each of my Master's commands confidently, knowing it has been well-thought out, and that He would not give me a task that I am not equipped to complete to His satisfaction.
Rule 8, I will blog daily unless given permission to do otherwise, and will leave the blog window open each time I have finished blogging so that He may read it.
Rule 9, I will make my bed daily.
Rule 10, I will raise the toilet seat after using the restroom, in order to show proper respect to my Master.
Rule 2, I will be clear and open regarding my needs and desires, both in everyday life and during sex.I will inform my Master when I feel the desire to cut, and I will use my safeword when I feel I have reached my limit.
Rule 3, I will take care of all my needs to the best of my abilities, asking my Master if there is a need I am unable to meet alone, and will dress according to my Master's direction.
Rule 4, I will refer to my Master as Sir, unless otherwise instructed.
Rule 5, I will be respectful of myself, both by my words and actions, as it is necessary to respect myself in order to respect my Master.
Rule 6, I will be respectful of my Master, both by my words and actions. It is my purpose to please Him, and disrespect is not to be tolerated.
Rule 7, I will wear my collar always, and will obey each of my Master's commands confidently, knowing it has been well-thought out, and that He would not give me a task that I am not equipped to complete to His satisfaction.
Rule 8, I will blog daily unless given permission to do otherwise, and will leave the blog window open each time I have finished blogging so that He may read it.
Rule 9, I will make my bed daily.
Rule 10, I will raise the toilet seat after using the restroom, in order to show proper respect to my Master.
I want to be property.
He called me a stupid bitch today. The fight got pretty nasty but after that I pretty much went quiet. He apologized and I told Him I love Him, and then He went to work.
Fuck this shit is killing our relationship. we're fighting about everything for no reason. I don't get it. It's like we both just need to hit a reset button and go back to normal.
He's stopped telling me what to do. It's like He's being passive aggressive, because He knows that by leaving me to my own devices, He's hurting me worse than if He would just punish me. But what He's not seeing is that I'm not going to "learn my lesson" from it. It only makes me resent Him and gives me more determination to make Him earn my obedience.
Fuck this shit is killing our relationship. we're fighting about everything for no reason. I don't get it. It's like we both just need to hit a reset button and go back to normal.
He's stopped telling me what to do. It's like He's being passive aggressive, because He knows that by leaving me to my own devices, He's hurting me worse than if He would just punish me. But what He's not seeing is that I'm not going to "learn my lesson" from it. It only makes me resent Him and gives me more determination to make Him earn my obedience.
Friday, November 25, 2011
didn't blog yesterday -00h-
sigh. I don't think I'm ever going to be held accountable for my rules. Then again, dealing with me has been like juggling dynamite recently, and I guess He might decide to stern up after this terrible move is over. I hate that we have to move so quickly, but if I rationalize it, it just means that we're doing what everyone else normally does without the putting it off til the last minute part and we're just doing it quickly. with a much more impending doomlike deadline. deadline like, its there and if we pass it, we're dead! fuck shit damn cunt ass!
So the thanksgiving was great, except that we didn't get anything done... lol. I mean, I worked hard, and did a lot of stuff at mom's house, but I didn't accomplish anything for our moving trip- hey, yeah I did, I got 5 boxes of books moved into her garage, which is better than nothing..
He's asleep. I have to wake Him in about an hour. Then He has to go to work from 6-11PM tonight. sigh. Maybe He'll bring some boxes home though! The clothes will all go into laundry bags (been washing all day) if we take them with us. If not, then we'll drop them off at the goodwill truck the next time we go by there.We have some books to get rid of also, I'm sure my mom will want to have a look at them before we give them away, so maybe she can take them to the goodwill since she has a van full of stuff to donate. I'm going to do dishes tonight--- I'm determined, but damn I don't want to.
Well, I think that's all.
Um, He promised me more sex, but I don't know how that's supposed to work, or how we're supposed to keep track of "more" vs. "less" sex.
So the thanksgiving was great, except that we didn't get anything done... lol. I mean, I worked hard, and did a lot of stuff at mom's house, but I didn't accomplish anything for our moving trip- hey, yeah I did, I got 5 boxes of books moved into her garage, which is better than nothing..
He's asleep. I have to wake Him in about an hour. Then He has to go to work from 6-11PM tonight. sigh. Maybe He'll bring some boxes home though! The clothes will all go into laundry bags (been washing all day) if we take them with us. If not, then we'll drop them off at the goodwill truck the next time we go by there.We have some books to get rid of also, I'm sure my mom will want to have a look at them before we give them away, so maybe she can take them to the goodwill since she has a van full of stuff to donate. I'm going to do dishes tonight--- I'm determined, but damn I don't want to.
Well, I think that's all.
Um, He promised me more sex, but I don't know how that's supposed to work, or how we're supposed to keep track of "more" vs. "less" sex.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
The furniture and what to do with it.
To Store
2 White shelves in FLR
Tan/White chaise lounge in Basement
Blue comfy sofa in basement
Blonde Large Dresser in bedroom
Futon (matt's) in spare bedroom
Twin Mattress (matt's) in bedroom
Queen Mattress + Box Spring
small side table in bedroom
leather couch sectional 3 piece (matt's)
Tan Ottoman in basement
The Box in Basement
TV in LR
Coffee Table in LR
Try To Keep
Serving Bar in Basement
Green plaid rocking chair in FLR
Coffee Table Downstairs
Give Away
Green and wooden Desk in LR
Cherish coming to pick up her 2 pieces of equipment before LFet
Metal Dresser in spare room -Claimed (Pet)
Small dark dresser in bedroom
10+ chairs in basement - Maybe (Cherish)
Microwave in K
Sell
St Andrew's Cross - MP, $150 paying in February
Throw Away
Large Blue couch sectional in LR
White metal Overthetoilet-Stand in LR
broken box spring in bedroom
2 White shelves in FLR
Tan/White chaise lounge in Basement
Blue comfy sofa in basement
Blonde Large Dresser in bedroom
Futon (matt's) in spare bedroom
Twin Mattress (matt's) in bedroom
Queen Mattress + Box Spring
small side table in bedroom
leather couch sectional 3 piece (matt's)
Tan Ottoman in basement
The Box in Basement
TV in LR
Coffee Table in LR
Try To Keep
Serving Bar in Basement
Green plaid rocking chair in FLR
Coffee Table Downstairs
Give Away
Green and wooden Desk in LR
Cherish coming to pick up her 2 pieces of equipment before LFet
Small dark dresser in bedroom
10+ chairs in basement - Maybe (Cherish)
Microwave in K
Sell
St Andrew's Cross - MP, $150 paying in February
Throw Away
Large Blue couch sectional in LR
White metal Overthetoilet-Stand in LR
broken box spring in bedroom
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Working on Moving out
moving out. We have to be out by the 1st. We have 9 days, a little over a week, to pack up everything, and mfer
Monday, November 21, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
the Ren Fair
It was a lot of fun, but we got to bed late last night, and I'm very very tired. haven't visited my mother in a while, and tomorrow is my little brother's birthday. She won't tell me what he wants. And now she wants me to come over on thursday for thanksgiving. I have this foreboding feeling that my sister will be there.
I miss my family, but I wanted to be able to get my brother a nice gift.
the faire brought out a part of me I don't like. the part that gets tired easily from people, and doesn't like to participate, or even want people talking to her. also, it was very cold, and my hands were numb most of the day, or at least had very little feeling.
I'm really tired, and really hungry.
I miss my family, but I wanted to be able to get my brother a nice gift.
the faire brought out a part of me I don't like. the part that gets tired easily from people, and doesn't like to participate, or even want people talking to her. also, it was very cold, and my hands were numb most of the day, or at least had very little feeling.
I'm really tired, and really hungry.
horny
Sooo... we went home last night, and had a huge mess to clean up. it was an ordeal. Apparently our dogs are too good for tap water now, they just had to have bottled water, couldn't get them to drink anything else for almost a full day. Then had a lot of errands to run today, had steak for breakfast. Had sex.
"If I went as hard as I wanted to, you wouldn't last five minutes. You would be begging Me to stop." and to be honest, I agree with my Master when He said this, I know He could break me in two with His dick if He wanted. (I wasn't allowed to masturbate last night, and then we had a quicky cuz we were in a hurry to get Him to work on time, and me to major's house.) So I've been horny all damn day. And I haven't masturbated yet. I was given permission about 2PM, and... I don't know. Major played with me but soon after, he went to bed, he's not feeling well. He threw up early today, he said. I just couldn't bring myself to masturbate in the shower. It was hot, and i was tired.
So yeah, I played warcraft some more, and realized how much I absolutely HATE the guild I'm in.
They keep pushing me to level quickly and I don't want to. I want to enjoy low lvls, and battlegrounds and stuff.
Master and I discussed a lot of stuff though, like how He thinks about our M/s relationship more than I think He does, and sometimes He punishes me without telling me, and I should just behave, instead of acting like such a know-it-all. That's what I took from the conversation, not what He said. --Yes, I just called myself a know-it-all, and I'm not being sarcastic or bratty. I was being serious.---
I have been fantasizing about being fuck/raped with one of my toys.
Also been fantasizing about being tied with my hands above my head, the rope over a door so that I'm tied basically to the door, naked. Master of course is taunting, humiliating and torturing me, especially since I'm so amazingly helpless in this position (I may even have to stand on my toes to support my weight? Legs my be tied spread around the door frame as well?) and naked. In one of my fantasies, He is so disgusted with His slave that he spits on her, and doesn't allow her to look Him in the eyes without being slapped. In one of the fantasies, He ties me there and then masturbates. Or He ties me, and then when He shuts the door to finish the tie, He's on the outside, and He leaves me there until He wants to use me again. (we may have just finished having sex, or H may want to have sex at some point in the future). If He leaves me there a long time, then when He opens the door, He has to hold onto the rope or else I'm so weak I fall on my face. and if I'm weak, then He can easily overpower and rape/use His slave/slut/toy.
I'm so horny.
time to go fulfill that masturbation fantasy I've had since last night. lol. you know, the one where I masturbate until I got to sleep?
Oh, I didn't blog yesterday, and I almost didn't blog tonight. I remembered right before bed, and Master made me stay up late to blog.
"If I went as hard as I wanted to, you wouldn't last five minutes. You would be begging Me to stop." and to be honest, I agree with my Master when He said this, I know He could break me in two with His dick if He wanted. (I wasn't allowed to masturbate last night, and then we had a quicky cuz we were in a hurry to get Him to work on time, and me to major's house.) So I've been horny all damn day. And I haven't masturbated yet. I was given permission about 2PM, and... I don't know. Major played with me but soon after, he went to bed, he's not feeling well. He threw up early today, he said. I just couldn't bring myself to masturbate in the shower. It was hot, and i was tired.
So yeah, I played warcraft some more, and realized how much I absolutely HATE the guild I'm in.
They keep pushing me to level quickly and I don't want to. I want to enjoy low lvls, and battlegrounds and stuff.
Master and I discussed a lot of stuff though, like how He thinks about our M/s relationship more than I think He does, and sometimes He punishes me without telling me, and I should just behave, instead of acting like such a know-it-all. That's what I took from the conversation, not what He said. --Yes, I just called myself a know-it-all, and I'm not being sarcastic or bratty. I was being serious.---
I have been fantasizing about being fuck/raped with one of my toys.
Also been fantasizing about being tied with my hands above my head, the rope over a door so that I'm tied basically to the door, naked. Master of course is taunting, humiliating and torturing me, especially since I'm so amazingly helpless in this position (I may even have to stand on my toes to support my weight? Legs my be tied spread around the door frame as well?) and naked. In one of my fantasies, He is so disgusted with His slave that he spits on her, and doesn't allow her to look Him in the eyes without being slapped. In one of the fantasies, He ties me there and then masturbates. Or He ties me, and then when He shuts the door to finish the tie, He's on the outside, and He leaves me there until He wants to use me again. (we may have just finished having sex, or H may want to have sex at some point in the future). If He leaves me there a long time, then when He opens the door, He has to hold onto the rope or else I'm so weak I fall on my face. and if I'm weak, then He can easily overpower and rape/use His slave/slut/toy.
I'm so horny.
time to go fulfill that masturbation fantasy I've had since last night. lol. you know, the one where I masturbate until I got to sleep?
Oh, I didn't blog yesterday, and I almost didn't blog tonight. I remembered right before bed, and Master made me stay up late to blog.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Songs
My computer is being really slow, it doesn't like me right now. I haven't shown Ms Shiny enough attention I guess in a while. I've been over-using Major's computer. I've made like 3000 gold on World of Warcraft over the past month, since major has signed up for WoW to let me play.
I've been catching songs I like on the radio a lot lately, and I wanted to put them in one place, so I could say Aha! they're in one place!
I heard this while Master was asleep in the car on the trip back from the Electric Munch and I'd heard it once before, it sounded familiar and I really liked it.
I smell sex and candy -Nirvana ---it says it's by marcy's playground, not nirvana. (I didn't think it was Nirvana, doesn't really sound like them.) ---
http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-smell-sex-and-candy-lyrics-nirvana.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KT-r2vHeMM&ob=av2e
All I Ever Wanted - The Airborne Toxic Event (Lyrics are my favorite part) OMG - there's violin in this! WoW
http://www.lyricsmania.com/all_i_ever_wanted_lyrics_airborne_toxic_event_the.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pz1xIhq1Fh4&feature=artistob&playnext=1&list=TLSynVtxDWy0E
The time we were alone together at the station.
You were so quiet like a child and you told me
You wanted to be taken.
I just never though of you as the kind of girl
Who would do that.
And you suddenly seem like
Some faceless thing in my grasp.
And I'd be lying if I said that I didn't find it
Exciting, your eyes so lit, your face so warm and
Inviting.
The Bitch Came Back - Theory of a Deadman
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/theory_of_a_deadman/bitch_came_back.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXieR34Gy3I&ob=av2e
But I like it because it's a play off of the cat came back from when I was a kid. <-- I love this song.!!! dont really like this version, but the words are there that explain why I love this song so much.
like this version better --http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw2PgypoAaE&NR=1--
I've been catching songs I like on the radio a lot lately, and I wanted to put them in one place, so I could say Aha! they're in one place!
I heard this while Master was asleep in the car on the trip back from the Electric Munch and I'd heard it once before, it sounded familiar and I really liked it.
I smell sex and candy -
http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-smell-sex-and-candy-lyrics-nirvana.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KT-r2vHeMM&ob=av2e
All I Ever Wanted - The Airborne Toxic Event (Lyrics are my favorite part) OMG - there's violin in this! WoW
http://www.lyricsmania.com/all_i_ever_wanted_lyrics_airborne_toxic_event_the.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pz1xIhq1Fh4&feature=artistob&playnext=1&list=TLSynVtxDWy0E
The time we were alone together at the station.
You were so quiet like a child and you told me
You wanted to be taken.
I just never though of you as the kind of girl
Who would do that.
And you suddenly seem like
Some faceless thing in my grasp.
And I'd be lying if I said that I didn't find it
Exciting, your eyes so lit, your face so warm and
Inviting.
The Bitch Came Back - Theory of a Deadman
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/theory_of_a_deadman/bitch_came_back.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXieR34Gy3I&ob=av2e
But I like it because it's a play off of the cat came back from when I was a kid. <-- I love this song.!!! dont really like this version, but the words are there that explain why I love this song so much.
like this version better --http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw2PgypoAaE&NR=1--
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
after the electrical play munch
While I was rubbing Your head (and shoulders) on the way home -Thank You, for making me serve You, I needed it so badly!!- I thought of this, and I want it so badly that a part of me almost hurts. I want You to use me like You don't give a damn about me and then discard me when You're done... Like this.
You have major hold my arms down so that I can't go anywhere, with my weight on the floor of course so I can't use my legs to struggle free, and You fuck me from behind like You did earlier. Thoroughly. And then leave me downstairs when You're done with me, like an unwanted toy that's been broken.
I added in things like You would make me look at major while You fuck me, because I would be so ashamed that it would humiliate me, or that You would let major decide what to do with my upper body, if anything - but that was all just part of the fantasy.
but really I just have such a need right now... I don't know if it's "to serve" or to be useful, or to be used... or what, but i'm so... ON right now, I feel like I'm the one who is electrified. Like I have a positive charge that just has to be used before I can rest. It's not just service, I want to serve, please, play... I could even take pain right now, I just need something.
please help me.
kisses
You have major hold my arms down so that I can't go anywhere, with my weight on the floor of course so I can't use my legs to struggle free, and You fuck me from behind like You did earlier. Thoroughly. And then leave me downstairs when You're done with me, like an unwanted toy that's been broken.
I added in things like You would make me look at major while You fuck me, because I would be so ashamed that it would humiliate me, or that You would let major decide what to do with my upper body, if anything - but that was all just part of the fantasy.
but really I just have such a need right now... I don't know if it's "to serve" or to be useful, or to be used... or what, but i'm so... ON right now, I feel like I'm the one who is electrified. Like I have a positive charge that just has to be used before I can rest. It's not just service, I want to serve, please, play... I could even take pain right now, I just need something.
please help me.
kisses
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The punishment bag
We're making a punishment bag, for when I acknowledge that I am acting badly and deserve a punishment.
Here's the list so far:
Biting off fingernails
Resticted Masturbation
Harsh Impact - Paddle
Harsh Impact - Whip
Harsh Impact - Caning
Remove Sodas - water only
Training Plan (time waster)
Extra Chores
The Box
Positions
Here's the list so far:
Biting off fingernails
Resticted Masturbation
Harsh Impact - Paddle
Harsh Impact - Whip
Harsh Impact - Caning
Remove Sodas - water only
Training Plan (time waster)
Extra Chores
The Box
Positions
midnight
everyone just went to bed. and I still want to fucking cut so badly. I didn't tell major, even though I wanted to. I sure as hell won't tell Kyle, I'm not looking for fucking attention, I just need to get control of myself. ... I was writing out I need time to get ahold of myself. stupid. fucking stupid. I've had HOURS to get control of myself. I'm not wanting to cut less, I'm just still fighting. I can't sleep, I can't go into either room with either person and feel ok or, fuck, wanted. I told Him I wouldn't be going to bed in there, so I won't go back on that. I don't want to hear Him tell me how He thought i didn't want to be in there, or maybe i got rejected by major? I know what would trigger me, and I won't risk it right now, I'm too close anyway. I was so fuckign close. I took the scissors to the bathroom with me and I wanted to so bad! hell don't know why I didn't.
I was going to eat the rest of the treats, too. I fucking deserve it for not cutting, I thought to myself. i thien I thought, hell I deserve to be able to cut. Why not? I want it. I yelled at major. over stupid shit. and I kept going fro happyesque to sad, gloomy, sulky angry frustrated.
I was going to eat the rest of the treats, too. I fucking deserve it for not cutting, I thought to myself. i thien I thought, hell I deserve to be able to cut. Why not? I want it. I yelled at major. over stupid shit. and I kept going fro happyesque to sad, gloomy, sulky angry frustrated.
Monday, November 14, 2011
wtp?
I don't understand what the point of trying is if there's no reward for being good, and no punishment for being
bad. I mean, if there's no change in the way things are if I'm extra good or extra bad, why should I bother to be well-behaved?
oh yeah, we've had sex 2 days in a row now, and my blogging rule is reinstated.
and I really fucking want to cut. I almost did.
I mean, I understand the whole serve because I should, it's the right thing to do, it's my duty... but having real actual consequences for my actions, both good and bad is a major need, and He's not meeting that. Why would I serve His every random whim and command if He repeatedly ignores my needs?
I'm property. yeah, "I don't have a choice." that only applies if He is willing to force me to do what He wants when I refuse, too. And He doesn't do that. He doesn't put me in my place, or make me obey. All He does is roll His eyes at how bad a submissive I am, and continue on His way. If He won't Master me, then I don't and can't respect His wishes.
I need this, I've told Him I need this, and if it doesn't happen, then nothing will change for us.
bad. I mean, if there's no change in the way things are if I'm extra good or extra bad, why should I bother to be well-behaved?
oh yeah, we've had sex 2 days in a row now, and my blogging rule is reinstated.
and I really fucking want to cut. I almost did.
I mean, I understand the whole serve because I should, it's the right thing to do, it's my duty... but having real actual consequences for my actions, both good and bad is a major need, and He's not meeting that. Why would I serve His every random whim and command if He repeatedly ignores my needs?
I'm property. yeah, "I don't have a choice." that only applies if He is willing to force me to do what He wants when I refuse, too. And He doesn't do that. He doesn't put me in my place, or make me obey. All He does is roll His eyes at how bad a submissive I am, and continue on His way. If He won't Master me, then I don't and can't respect His wishes.
I need this, I've told Him I need this, and if it doesn't happen, then nothing will change for us.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
thoughts. cluttered due to lack of pouring out.
Still on my period. well... it was gone for about 24 hours, came back this morning, and then it seems to be mostly gone again now.
We had our four sexes in 3 days thing again. Anal, two days in a row. And I didn't mind. it was amazing and I came at least 5 times each time. Squirting :) I really am starting to be able to control it. I can't wait until He tells me not to come, forces me to anyway, and then punishes me for not listening.
The first day was sex "for Him" but I really really enjoyed it anyway.
The second day was also pretty amazing. Even though He ended up fucking me in the ass. He didn't come. I did. "Now I know why sluts can't count, Daddy!" (They're so high from coming, they can't count how many they had!)
The third day, (I think this was this one) I didn't even really want sex. We were talking about all kinds of random stuff. I had gotten dressed up because I thought we were going to scene, and then I had some emotional issues I needed Him to deal with. And then He wanted sex. I was still interested in talking, but He reminded me of my promise (and I wasn't really against having sex anyway, it just seemed odd that he wanted it and I wasn't as interested) to always give Him my body whenever He wants it as long as He only wants my body. The way He said it was so sexy I gave in instantly. If I did say no it was only to hear Him remind me that I didn't have a choice. The sex was definitely for Him (but I still enjoyed it!). After sex, He told me to stay, and left the room. He came back with a drink. I had one thing on my mind, but I didn't say anything. He allowed me a sip, and when He turned to put the drink back on the bedside table, I ducked under the covers and started sucking Him off. I knew if I wanted more sex, I would have to get Him hard again, but then after a few seconds, I realized that I wasn't as interested in continuing the sex as I was in sucking on His cock. He told me that He thought I was going to come like this, and played with me some, in fact even fingered my ass at one point.
(sex 4) Then, after probably about 30 minutes, He pushed me off, and started trying for anal. I didn't want anal at first, and fought pretty hard. Then He started biting my neck. I managed to get Him to keep biting my neck, and roll onto His back with me on top. I pushed down onto Him, and surprise, I could handle the pain of anal this way! At this point in time I was feeling very slave-like, but in my mind I was imagining even more if I was His werewolf and He a vampire (yeah I know I know, leave me alone, it's actually really hot if you're not in fantasy-crasher mood.). Really to me the only difference would be that I would be even more abusable and disposable than I am now, because everything would regenerate (grow back) faster than it does currently. Which would make anal every night a real possibility, even something He would want. And then He would hurt me on purpose for saying Sir instead of Master by accident or something, and force me back farther than I wanted to go. He let me come every time I asked though, and laughed every time I did. Then He pushed me back and made me let go- I put my hands above my head, as if I was tied in that position with my arms suspended and He was in control of how I fell onto His cock... I had my arms crossed at the wrists, and kept them up like that until He told me to bring them down, which was at least 5 minutes. He was imagining me chained like that as well, and it really made the sex absolutely amazing. I tried to bring Him into my fantasy, but He wasn't ready for it yet. Eventually He flipped me over and we fucked like that for a very long time, too. I begged over and over to come, and it was amazing. The blacklight was on, and with Him on top of me, His eyes were glowing. Toward the end I asked Him to take it out... and then I asked Him to shove it all the way back in and He didn't have to worry about hurting me.... He absolutely loved that!! it was so much fun.
He said He's going to try role-playing with me about the vampire owning a werewolf slave, He just wants to get it together in His own mind. Which is great, because I really look forward to it.
We had our four sexes in 3 days thing again. Anal, two days in a row. And I didn't mind. it was amazing and I came at least 5 times each time. Squirting :) I really am starting to be able to control it. I can't wait until He tells me not to come, forces me to anyway, and then punishes me for not listening.
The first day was sex "for Him" but I really really enjoyed it anyway.
The second day was also pretty amazing. Even though He ended up fucking me in the ass. He didn't come. I did. "Now I know why sluts can't count, Daddy!" (They're so high from coming, they can't count how many they had!)
The third day, (I think this was this one) I didn't even really want sex. We were talking about all kinds of random stuff. I had gotten dressed up because I thought we were going to scene, and then I had some emotional issues I needed Him to deal with. And then He wanted sex. I was still interested in talking, but He reminded me of my promise (and I wasn't really against having sex anyway, it just seemed odd that he wanted it and I wasn't as interested) to always give Him my body whenever He wants it as long as He only wants my body. The way He said it was so sexy I gave in instantly. If I did say no it was only to hear Him remind me that I didn't have a choice. The sex was definitely for Him (but I still enjoyed it!). After sex, He told me to stay, and left the room. He came back with a drink. I had one thing on my mind, but I didn't say anything. He allowed me a sip, and when He turned to put the drink back on the bedside table, I ducked under the covers and started sucking Him off. I knew if I wanted more sex, I would have to get Him hard again, but then after a few seconds, I realized that I wasn't as interested in continuing the sex as I was in sucking on His cock. He told me that He thought I was going to come like this, and played with me some, in fact even fingered my ass at one point.
(sex 4) Then, after probably about 30 minutes, He pushed me off, and started trying for anal. I didn't want anal at first, and fought pretty hard. Then He started biting my neck. I managed to get Him to keep biting my neck, and roll onto His back with me on top. I pushed down onto Him, and surprise, I could handle the pain of anal this way! At this point in time I was feeling very slave-like, but in my mind I was imagining even more if I was His werewolf and He a vampire (yeah I know I know, leave me alone, it's actually really hot if you're not in fantasy-crasher mood.). Really to me the only difference would be that I would be even more abusable and disposable than I am now, because everything would regenerate (grow back) faster than it does currently. Which would make anal every night a real possibility, even something He would want. And then He would hurt me on purpose for saying Sir instead of Master by accident or something, and force me back farther than I wanted to go. He let me come every time I asked though, and laughed every time I did. Then He pushed me back and made me let go- I put my hands above my head, as if I was tied in that position with my arms suspended and He was in control of how I fell onto His cock... I had my arms crossed at the wrists, and kept them up like that until He told me to bring them down, which was at least 5 minutes. He was imagining me chained like that as well, and it really made the sex absolutely amazing. I tried to bring Him into my fantasy, but He wasn't ready for it yet. Eventually He flipped me over and we fucked like that for a very long time, too. I begged over and over to come, and it was amazing. The blacklight was on, and with Him on top of me, His eyes were glowing. Toward the end I asked Him to take it out... and then I asked Him to shove it all the way back in and He didn't have to worry about hurting me.... He absolutely loved that!! it was so much fun.
He said He's going to try role-playing with me about the vampire owning a werewolf slave, He just wants to get it together in His own mind. Which is great, because I really look forward to it.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
To Do
Pride on Mirrors.
Establish 7 levels of hell.
decorate. Shelves, hallway, stations, etc.
wash, core, string, hang, knot apples. Number also.
count out who gets how many tickets.
who signs waivers and pays and shit.
Alcohol + mixers downstairs. (mix stuff?)
Bag laundry (fold towels, sort wanted clothes from unwanted. laundry baskets onto bed with wanted?)
make sloth room.
make list of things for volunteers to do. (sweep, mop, decorate, put couch back?)
Punishment Sangria Bag:
Chewing off a fingernail is strangely effective.
Sight restriction
talking restriction. this includes all other type of communication except what is specified by Master.
Soda Restriction
Ramen Only
No Sex.
Chores.
Spanking/Caning/Paddle/Whip/Box/Etc
Establish 7 levels of hell.
decorate. Shelves, hallway, stations, etc.
wash, core, string, hang, knot apples. Number also.
count out who gets how many tickets.
who signs waivers and pays and shit.
Alcohol + mixers downstairs. (mix stuff?)
Bag laundry (fold towels, sort wanted clothes from unwanted. laundry baskets onto bed with wanted?)
make sloth room.
make list of things for volunteers to do. (sweep, mop, decorate, put couch back?)
Punishment Sangria Bag:
Chewing off a fingernail is strangely effective.
Sight restriction
talking restriction. this includes all other type of communication except what is specified by Master.
Soda Restriction
Ramen Only
No Sex.
Chores.
Spanking/Caning/Paddle/Whip/Box/Etc
Friday, November 4, 2011
Important Notes to Remember
$20 after party to wash blankets in laundromat
sort Waivers so that people don't fill them out twice. also - people who are paid already need to be listed somewhere!
wash vase for game, count jolly ranchers that will be put in vase.
do something with all these fucking rocks. \
take pics of auction items, post online.
Phone!!! yay. :)
crown royal bag for punishments
NOV 8 APPOINTMENT Salisbury.
greed ticket winner = "free item box" outside door. business card with "you win X tickets" hidden in box.
blog has been made private- please use it now, Master.
Volunteers:
Decorate
put together gift bags
sort Waivers so that people don't fill them out twice. also - people who are paid already need to be listed somewhere!
wash vase for game, count jolly ranchers that will be put in vase.
do something with all these fucking rocks. \
take pics of auction items, post online.
Phone!!! yay. :)
crown royal bag for punishments
NOV 8 APPOINTMENT Salisbury.
greed ticket winner = "free item box" outside door. business card with "you win X tickets" hidden in box.
blog has been made private- please use it now, Master.
Volunteers:
Decorate
put together gift bags
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
I know what I'm talking about, and everyone fucking disagrees with me every single step. I feel like I shouldn't even be a part of the leadership, I should just do all the work to make everything happen the way they want it.
I know I'm fucked up and more combative than normal, but this feels like it's been building a while, and I just don't feel like there's a fair share of work/opinion being given to me.
I know major is making floggers, but it's like 2 hours per flogger. I've got to clean for a fucking week, and they don't listen to me when I try to veto something.
and he keeps making nide remarks that master is ignoring. and still He sides with major and doesn't defend me at all.
and I think it's because I'm out of it. and blah. vicodin.
I know I'm fucked up and more combative than normal, but this feels like it's been building a while, and I just don't feel like there's a fair share of work/opinion being given to me.
I know major is making floggers, but it's like 2 hours per flogger. I've got to clean for a fucking week, and they don't listen to me when I try to veto something.
and he keeps making nide remarks that master is ignoring. and still He sides with major and doesn't defend me at all.
and I think it's because I'm out of it. and blah. vicodin.
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