Down 7/3/2023

Monday 8:08 PM 7/3/2023

Down

I haven’t eaten much today. I got up and got us ready for R’s appt and even made bacon but I only ate a slice before we left. He was in a bad mood after the appointment,

Not at me, but it was really difficult, and he wasn’t giving a great recount of what happened but he was angry. 

He wanted to play disc golf. We did three holes and then left. We were both feeling emotional and shitty. I encouraged him to get food and he had a burger. I didn’t eat. 

We went to exchange my gardening gloves because they were too small and I couldn’t decide on a plant even though he told me I could get one. I took too long and it was very hot out.

We came home and I still didn’t think about eating. I felt nauseous and horrible and clingy. And he just wants to be alone. And I keep bothering him. 

Then we had a fight. He kept saying I was being disrespectful. We eventually ended up on the same page, and when I went to apologize he had a seizure while I was sitting at his feet. I kept him safe, kept his head from hitting anything, talked to him every time he regained consciousness (he would be awake a few seconds and then pass out again) and after about 30 minutes he was starting to be coherent. 

He just wanted to go to his room again. 

I want darkness and I keep clinging to him hoping he will help, and he keeps pulling away. 

We had a fight last night when I was sick from not eating too. I told him I felt sick, and he just kept asking me questions until I snapped and then we fought until he went to his room. 

I made him food, he told me he was going back to his room AGAIN. It’s hard not to give up. It’s hard not to give in to my feelings. He asked me to eat as he was holding the food I made him, and I told him to fuck off, and then apologized. I said I was sorry, and he kissed my forehead and went to his room. It’s been an hour. I can’t make myself eat. I don’t feel hungry, only sick. Only angry. Only fucking sad and hopeless. 

But I KNOW that he won’t help. He will ask me how he can help, and put all of the fucking labor back onto me. I can’t do it. I can’t “pick something I want” - there’s NOTHING. I don’t WANT anything and I don’t think I can stomach anything. I don’t want to eat. I just want to be anyone else but me. I want to leave my own fucking head and feelings. 

And he won’t do the damn roleplay. He won’t help me with my character. He won’t talk to me about the damn D&D game this weekend. He won’t even THINK about canceling it. I’m trapped in a f cycle of procrastination that is FORCING ME to be stressed and to do all the stuff at the last minute. Because I have to wait until he “feels like it”. To do anything. 

He doesn’t want to do anything. 

Why does it fall on me? 

I’m tired and fucking spent. 

I woke up at 6 AM. I walk the dogs at night, in the mornings, give them their pills, keep track of when everything has to fucking happen. I do the whole gd mental load and all the physical. 

But he’s sick. And he’s sad. 

I know that there’s a lot he can’t do. 

But I’m not capable of doing it ALL either. 

So why do I have to? Why is it ok for all the things I need from him to get pushed to the very last minute, and force me to do all the other bs that can only be done last minute ON TOP OF the stuff he put off? 

Why does it make ME a bitch for saying “it’s too late now, you fucked up.” ? 

And it’s 8:30 pm and I’ve eaten 2 slices of bacon and half a white chocolate bar. 

I can take care of 1 fucking person (and two dogs, and a rabbit) a day. Today wasn’t my day. 

I want to disappear, so so badly.

Written 7/3 , posted 7/24