Quiet day July 31 Monday 11:00 AM

July 31 Monday 11:00 AM 

Yesterday we went out playing Pokémon go and it was really hot. R had his headache kick back in hard when we got back in the car. I think the bumps and jolts of driving are really bothering his neck/head pain. 

We were both really irritable last night and I was having trouble eating, felt overheated, had panic attacks. But we didn’t fight!! I love him. 

He was awake all night hurting. He said he couldn’t sleep until the pain broke a little. 

I am feeling good because I brought him the headache hat (refrigerated wearable cold pack) and he fell asleep while I was walking Honey. So I am really encouraged that I found something to help him. And that he is able to sleep. I hate how much he is hurting. I want to help him. I feel so… I feel like I’m failing him if I can’t *solve* it. If I can’t figure out what it is and how to get it fixed, and then later it’s something I should have figured out, it makes me feel like I was the reason he was hurting all that time- because I’m responsible for helping him. Because when he is hurting so much like this, he can’t remember to take pain meds or even begin researching what might be causing it. So it falls to me. I know he doesn’t blame me or feel like I -should- be responsible for it, but we both know the doctors aren’t helping, won’t be much help, without us telling them what to look for and how to fix it. And advocating for our needs. 

So, getting him enough relief that he could sleep is a small win. It’s temporary, and doesn’t solve the c1-c3 vertebra cause of the pain, but it’s the best I could have done today.

Posted 8/30/2023

Pokémon Go

 July 30 5:30 PM 

Pokémon Go with Nitish today. 

Polywag. 

Posted 8/30/2023

Kaleb’s birthday party today

July 29 9 AM  Saturday

Kaleb’s bday party is today. I am completely thinking about Vivika, Phyrva, the combat, and planning ways to keep my house, my team, and our items safe. 

And how to get the eye from Speero. (“What’s the biggest thing you can swallow? Oh so I shouldn’t have cast reduce on that cannonball?”) 

How to find out the traitor (promise belly rubs 1 hour a day for a week from Phyrva with toothbrush of choice (except my house) and it gets put back afterward)

Posted 8/30/2023

We didn’t fight today

July 28 Friday 11:30 PM 

Had some amazing sex. He choked me and we did anal and he gave me a lot of pain that I have really needed. 

We both got off. 

I’ve tried extra hard to push down and not have the anger today. I think we both have. It’s bedtime and we didn’t fight and argue and hate each other. I’m proud of us. It’s been really hard.

July 29 9 AM 

Kaleb’s birthday party today

Kaleb’s bday party is today. I am completely thinking about Vivika, Phyrva, the combat, and planning ways to keep my house, my team, and our items safe. 

And how to get the eye from Speero. (“What’s the biggest thing you can swallow? Oh so I shouldn’t have cast reduce on that cannonball?”) 

How to find out the traitor (promise belly rubs 1 hour a day for a week from Phyrva with toothbrush of choice (except my house) and it gets put back afterward)

Posted 8/30/2023

Exhausted and dizzy

July 28 Friday 12:25 AM

Missed journaling yesterday (earlier “today”) - couldn’t drag myself out of bed. Walked the dogs and took a nap and even then was so tired I didn’t want to get up. 

We stopped my stimulant and switched to a new med. I’m getting so so dizzy and having a ton of trouble. 

And I’m getting angry at night, R says  I’m trying to fight with him. 

I don’t mean to. I get so angry. It feels real. I still think the things are real… but both of us just… completely lose control. 

It’s like I feel irritated and I snap harder than maybe I realize, and then he over reacts too, and then next thing I know we are HURTING each other. 

I’m so fucking tired. And hungry. And angry. And it’s been so hot lately.  And I’m easily distracted and can’t focus or finish anything I want to do. 

And he’s still sick. They did his mri and no one ever called to tell him anything about it. Hell, it’s being sent to a cardiologist. Will that guy even KNOW what to do with it? 

I’m so tired of this run around bullshit. It’s got to be something serious and no one wants to help. We need fucking HELP and it’s like no doctor will do their damn job. I’m fucking desperate at this point. I’ve BEEN desperate.  What the hell else CAN I DO? 

I’m probably just stressed + issues with my meds, but his shit is serious. It’s fucking serious. He needs a neurologist to look at the scans and x rays. And I don’t know how to make it happen.

Posted 8/30/2023

Reflection Question: What gives you a sense of comfort?

 Wednesday 12:44 7/26/2023

What gives you a sense of comfort? 

I get a sense of comfort from being in my closet when I am too overwhelmed. 

From kneeling for Relly, even during most arguments. 

From hot tea when I’m cold. 

From Honey sitting on my lap, facing away from me. 

From seeing the birds on the back deck, my tomatoes and Basil plants. 

Sitting on the floor of the shower. 

Warm socks and a fleece blanket (if I’m not overheated).

Cheese and onion and pickle sandwiches with salt and vinegar chips. 

Chocolate oatmeal cookies. 

I have 2 appointments today 7/25

Tuesday 11:18 AM 7/25

One was supposed to be at 11 am, we are there waiting now, 20 minutes late to go in. Psy 

Other is at 3pm. Primary care

Had a big fight w/ R last night. We are ok today but my emotions are super overactive and sensitive today. 

New Med

Wednesday 12:26 PM 7/26/2023 

We went to my early appointment yesterday, my PSY appt. I’m no longer taking Vyvanse, and she has started me on a new non-stimulant medication similar to atomoxetine/Strattera. 

(We didn’t go to my 3pm primary care appointment because we called and they said I didn’t have an appointment today) 

We spent a good portion of the day out of the house, and bought a 40 lb bag of birdseed. When we got home, I wrote a long recap / journal of the d&d session. 

Need to add in the Eilistraee parts. 

His neck/head is slowly starting to get worse again. They’ve done the scans but he hasn’t had anyone tell him anything about them yet. I guess they will go over them when he goes back to the arrhythmia doctor, the only doc who seems like he’s been any help. 

The primary care referred us to a gastroenterologist, and we have an appointment with them. 

If he stops taking Pepcid every morning, he throws up that day. 

He thinks he has an ulcer. 

The PC wants him to get a colonoscopy and hadn’t even taken a stool sample yet. 

Penny ran into the front door at the bottom of the stairs today. I think she fell or slipped on the last step/landing. 

I already feel like I’m thinking clearer, but maybe that’s because I got the emotional Vivika journal out of my head (she thought Phyrva was going to die). Or maybe because I was actually able to sit and focus on writing for more than 10 minutes. Either way, things do se better today. Even though I woke up later than normal and had to walk the dogs in hotter temps. 

December letters, 2018

 Found this on Google Docs. saved as "December Letters, 2018"

Dec 1 Sat

And my loving husband who hasn’t see me naked for 2 weeks somehow knows I haven’t shaved. You’re so fucking annoying when you’re right. I love you baby, will try to shave today so you can not look at my room once it’s clean 😝

-

I hope that your day goes smoothly today. I hope that you keep working on your kitchen speed and keep expediting to help out the cook who needs help prioritizing. I hope that you keep building that customer base and that you don’t have any walk-outs today. You’ve already made the restaurant clean as new and that’s something to be buttshiningly proud of. I tried my sleepy Buddha tea and it is delicious. Thank you for buying me a tea box, I’m really enjoying it so far! You are so strong. You’ve been holding me up and working your butt off all week. I can’t wait for you to see all your hard work come to fruition, with game day, and with the store. You’re a hard worker and you are putting in the time. The store will show the work you’re putting into it. I miss your smile already! I’ll see you tonight!

-

I just wanted to thank you again for stepping in yesterday and giving me a goal and something to do. I was so lost yesterday and so knee-deep in the pit that I think I would have just gone to bed or sat and played zombies until I was tired and then went to bed. And I completed my task yesterday. It took all the strength I had, and all the time you were gone and it was SO HARD to keep going, but I did it, and I did it for you.  And I was thinking about how they say accomplishment isn’t doing something easily, it’s just doing it. It doesn’t matter how much of a struggle it is, as long as it’s done. And baby, I am proud of what I did yesterday because of your guidance. I wouldn’t have eaten if you hadn’t told me I had to eat. I was tired and I was hungry sick but even while I was in the kitchen pushing myself to make food I felt like it was too big of a task and I couldn’t do it. I never would have done that without you. I would have coasted and maybe eaten a handful of cereal again for dinner instead of a hot meal. I love you and you have absolutely saved me over and over this week. Thank you. Thank you so much, Master.

Dec 7

I love you. You are invested. You are willing to put in everything you have into trying to make your restaurant work. I know you keep glossing over when I say that, but you are the one who is going to care for that place. The manager doesn’t care like you do. You may not be the top ranking manager but you are the heart of that place. If you keep doing what you are doing, your determination and spirit will be encouraging and help everyone else work to make it better, too.  You’re good at what you do. I know you’re tired, but you’ll get there!

And I think you know same as I do if you could have fixed this store in a week it wouldn’t have been enough of a challenge ♥️

Hope your night is going well. And quickly. And productively.

Dec 8 Sat

Hello my love.
Today is so cold and dreary, and it may be snowing before you get through with work tonight. I know you’re tired from the 15 hours you worked last night, and you’ve been working so hard at work and at home. You are absolutely DOING the thing. And ACCOMPLISHING shit. And you are my heart. I am proud of you every day. I am grateful to you every day. You are good to me and patient and loving. And your hair looks good. (I know you don’t believe me but every time I see you all dressed up I want to do the dirtiest things with you because you are so handsome and intimidating and it’s the biggest turn on ever because you look confident and in charge.) mmmm. And I love you and want you to take care and stay safe at work and on your drives today. If you can’t make it home, do what you need to do to stay safe. I hope your day is productive today and that you break more store sales expectations again! Have fun if you can!

Dec 11

Hey. I just wanted you to know that I think a lot about how hard I was on you when you were depressed, and I’m sorry. I love you, and I’m blown away with how good you’ve been to me through this struggle. You haven’t been frustrated or pushed me too hard or been angry when I can’t do what I consider to be the minimum. I remember how much I pushed you and I’m so sorry, and I love you so much.

Husband.
You have beautiful hair. I love running my hands through it. I love the way it looks light and cloud like when you’ve just brushed it. I love how the color changes to a little bit of red when you get that look in your eyes.
You have awesome hair. It’s soft and pretty and behaves like hair should.
Love
Your wife.

My love for you is like drama
It never ends.
And while we have our roller coaster days where we are slow and steadily going up, or freefalling, or handling all the twists and turns, it’s an amazing ride that I’m glad I’m sharing with you.
And like a bad pun, sometimes our love makes me facepalm, but then I can’t wait to tell everyone else about it.
Like any adventurer, you need a good portable hole, and I’m so glad to be yours.

Dec 15

I love you. I dreamed you kissed me.

I love you and I support you! You are my favorite star. You shine all the time even when I can’t see it. And I think about you all the time.

Dec 18

Hello love.
You are doing your best. You are doing a good job. You are good enough. I know you are working hard, and I know you are putting in the effort. I need you to trust that if you put in the time and effort and love that it will be ok. Easy? Almost never. But OK? Yes.

I am proud of you. And I expect that you respect that from me as much as I do from you. I have impossible standards and you know it so when I say I’m proud of you I mean it.

Dec 19

My husband,
I love you so much!
I’m having trouble thinking of ways to describe how I feel for you today, my words falter, but my heart is with you. I hope you know how much I adore you every single day.

I need you to know that I am always cheering for you when you face tough challenges and that if there is ever any way I can help I’ll be there to try and make it easier in whatever way I can.
You are my champion, hero.
😉
Mystra

Dec 25 (from Husband to wife)

Merry Christmas My Love! I hope you enjoy a nice hot cup of hot chocolate with some more marshmallows on it! I will see you as soon as I can. I am proud of you. You somehow always make even the house we’re in now feel like home and it feels warm and inviting for everyone who comes in. You are the reason I am as “awesome” as you say I am. Without the support I get from you, I would be nothing. Thank you for working hard to prepare for our guests. It makes me look good and proves that I have the worlds best slave! I can’t wait to see you when I get home.

Merry Christmas, Baby. I’m working on it I really want the house to be clean and welcoming for them.  I hope work isn’t the worst tonight

I know you are tired too. I definitely don’t underestimate how tired you are. You’re doing actual work. Earning money. Making our situation livable. Probably not sleeping enough. I mean, the only real positive is I think you’re eating more regularly with work. And probably sleeping more than you used to, even though it’s from sheer exhaustion. I love you. I am super excited for you to come home, even though I keep getting distracted in the middle of stuff I’m supposed to be doing lol. There’s still a lot to do here but I’m also pretty happy with what I’ve done so far.

You are doing a wonderful job. You are handling your business and when you are leading your shift, you do it well. I love you. You are a strong powerful leader, and you aren’t unfair or wispy washy with your decisions. You stick by your standards and raise the bar for everyone you come in contact with. I love you and I’m so glad you are building this up. I’m so proud of the things you are accomplishing. I know it’s tough dirty work but you are building something great one step at a time. Let yourself feel how amazing you are. Be proud of yourself. Stop being humble and just admit you are awesome.

Dec 26

Hope you have a wonderful time chatting with the gent! Good night my love. 

Dec 28

I’m playing Spyro 😀 merry Christmas. (69% lol) 

And drinking my sipsby tea. Thank you for all my Christmas presents babe

About to take a nap. Your pajama pants are on your chair, your charger is by the outlet, with the remote and controller, there’s an extension cord so you can sit closer to the tv. And when you get home I’ll make you some P ice cream.

Bed is made, fan is on, light in bathroom is on.

Dec 29

I feel so absolutely pampered right now.

Cashmere candle, peppermint bark tea with heavy cream in it, playing Spyro, drinking plenty of water, black nail polish on, eating some pumpkin seeds, and printing off chore charts for my gold stars and rhinestone stickers.

Thank you for making all of this possible!

Dec 30

You look confident and handsome today. You are strong and together we will make this work. We will fight our way into a better situation and never ever give up. You are finally starting to see the results of your leadership, and it’s beautiful. You are cultivating capable habits and skills in the people you work with. And loyalty and hard work and team work. I’m proud of you, my love!

🎶 The distant ships blow on the horizon
It’s ok to eat fish
There is no pain you are receiving
Cause they don’t have any feelings
You are only coming through in waves
And the drippings from the ceiling 🎶

R 6 AM appointments 7/24

 Monday 10:44 AM 7/24/2023

R 6AM appointments

His MRI and MRA (and I think chest x-ray) appointments were today. Super early in the morning. I woke up at 3 when he texted me to wake him at 5:30 instead of 5 am. And stayed awake. 

I’ve moved more Basil to the front flowerbed. 

I’m constantly thinking about the last D&D session. My character’s older sister Yazria showed up in Luskan, and attacked our group. 

She had a Yochlol and twin clerics with her. When one of the clerics almost died, she threatened to kill Phyrva if we didn’t “return her servant” (allow the cleric Sigurd had banished to return). 

She used Time Stop and when we were unfrozen they were gone. (And then we were attacked by a Glazebru). And then the ship was being attacked by a ghost ship in the port when we returned to it. 

It’s a lot to process. 

And I’m really enjoying it, like reading a favorite book.

Had a great day already 5:30 PM, 7/23

Sun 5:35 PM 7/23/2023

Had a great day already

Yesterdays D&D session was amazing, we hatched a bunch of Pokémon Go eggs, it was a makeup community day for Squirtle. 

Enjoyed talking to Danny this morning.

Amazing D&D Today 7/22 -7/23 (4AM)

 

Sunday 4:33 AM 7/23 

Amazing D&D Today 

Amazing D&D. 

Amazing sex. 

Amazing conversation afterward. 

My husband is amazing and tells a brilliant story.

D&D Today 7/22

Saturday 9:00 AM 7/22 

D&D Today 

We have D&D today. Alex got here last night. The printer ran out of ink while printing my lvl 10 character sheet for Vivika. I had to hand write it.  Danny will be here around 1 pm he says. 

I am cramping really badly this morning already. (My period, day 3) I’ve taken meds an hour ago but they haven’t helped yet.  

I am looking forward to D&D but also dreading being around people.  They both talk a lot, and it’s been a month of hell. 

We did the Vivika and Phyrva roleplay last night, so I have a ton less stress than I did. It’s so important to my mental state to drop out of reality for a while. And they had an argument coming. So. I’d been anxious about it.

My Name Is Rowan 7/22

12:47 AM 7/22 

My Name Is Rowan 

New personality since early this year, when R went to Alabama. 

He’s asked my name often, and I’ve been searching for one that fits me. 

Rowan is the name I’ve finally chosen.  And he told me I did a good job, that he’s proud of me! 

I’m excited to hear him say my name. 

To feel his ownership reach specifically to me, and no one else, for that moment. To know I am the one he is calling, the one he is speaking to, the one in that moment he is commanding and claiming as his. I love and adore him, and love turning him on, and love teasing and being teased and punished by him.

D&D tomorrow. Guests arrive tonight 7/21

 Friday 10:55 AM 7/21/23

D&D tomorrow. Guests arrive tonight 

Still have cleaning and roleplay to do. I’m so tired. 

And sad. 

And crushed under things. 

And I hurt. My period started yesterday. 

Honey went into the lake today and smells horrible, so I have to bathe her today.

11:05 AM Daily Reflection:

“What is one skill that you are proud of?” 

I am good at taking a deep breath and figuring out what needs to be done in an emergency situation. 

Not lately, because the emergencies have been so frequent, and constant, that the rush of figuring out what to do doesn’t seem to happen anymore. 

I’m exhausted. 

But usually, I can prioritize the things, and give direction to the next task.

Penny Vet 7/20/2023 6:46 PM

 

6:46 PM 

Penny Vet

The vet says Penny probably has cancer- lymphoma. 

4-6 months of quality of life left, with prednisone. 

There is no cure for lymphoma in dogs. Only holding it at bay as long as the dog is comfortable. 

She’s basically blind now.  

Worse will be joint pain, labored breathing, lethargy, loss of appetite.

Period, pain, stress, D&D Saturday 7/20

 

Thursday 10:35 AM 7/20 

Period, pain, stress, D&D Saturday

His migraine went down to a 4 or 5 yesterday. OTC pain meds finally started to work too. He had the strong anti-nausea antihistamine last night and the night before too. It was the last thing we hadn’t tried. 

He hopes to feel a lot lot better today. And wants to DM this weekend. 

I dropped my phone in water yesterday morning so I didn’t update until now because my phone has been off. 

He needed to sit quietly on his room and just relax yesterday. 

My anxiety was so bad, I was so panicky- I just went to my room and cried for about ten minutes straight. And then picked myself up and forced myself to start working on getting ready for D&D, if we are having it this weekend. I still don’t know and it’s so freaking stressful to plan for something and not know if what I’m doing is actually a waste of time or not.  If we don’t have it this weekend, Alex is booked for 3 weeks straight, so it will be at least 4 more weeks before we play. We’ve already delayed 3 times I think. 

I started my period this morning and my back hurts so badly. I took meds 2 hours ago and still just HURT. But I can’t ask him to help. He needs the rest, and to not push his neck or head more than he HAS to or it might start all over again. 

So I have no choice but to push through it. 

I need to make sure I eat today. Make sure I take care of the dogs. And then figure out the rest. 

Exhausted 7/19

 Wednesday 11:27 AM 7/19/23

Exhausted

Just so tired. I think I’m finally crashing after trying to be there for him every second. I started to get a headache yesterday, and was afraid to tell him. When they gave him meds at the ER, I finally took 2 Tylenol for it. Didn’t help much. 

He went to bed “early” last night. Just before 1 am. 

Fuck I hope he wakes up feeling better today. I don’t know how much longer I can do this, and my period is due any day now. 

Even while he was at the ER I never took any time for me. I meant to, and then he was messaging a lot and I couldn’t go take a shower because I never knew when he was going to message. 

I’m still tired and I just woke up. I don’t have a choice but to keep going, but I don’t know how much longer I can.

Gratitude Journal 

Every time I can’t do it, every time I sit on the floor because I’m dizzy or overwhelmed, Honey is right there. She usually sits on me and faces outward. 

She has a tendency to know exactly when I need her and give me that push to take a second.

(This is the day I dropped my phone in a bucket of water, and turned it off for 24 hours. It was an extremely productive day. And also my Dad's and R's mom's birthday)

Migraine Continues 7/18

Tuesday 9:05 AM 

Migraine Continues 

Doctor’s visit went both good and bad. We have orders for X-rays and MRI and MRA next Monday. 

The pain in his head was bad and since I gave him a heating pad it’s gotten worse. His pain has gone from a high 8 to an 11. He wants to go to the emergency room. 

He needs someone to go with him, to drive him there and to make sure that he gets what he needs. 

After more info from him I am 90% sure it’s a nerve compression in the C2-C4 region. He needs a lidocaine shot in his neck to get the muscles and the nerve to calm down, because it won’t do it on his own. His neck is getting more sore and stiff and he can’t turn his head to the side without a lot of pain. His tongue is hurting, which is what tipped me off to the nerve compression. I think it’s called neck and tongue syndrome. 

Anyway, the Arrhythmia doc was good, and did what he could. He didn’t do the tilt table test because he knew the migraine would mess it up. He prescribed strong antibiotics for R’s cough and chest gunk. 

But still. It’s a lot. I’ve told Alex we might not be able to play again this weekend if we don’t get R’s migraine fixed by Wednesday. 

I’m changing my point of view as much as possible. Before I was overwhelmed because I couldn’t get the other things done too. And I still am- it’s a huge amount of pressure to think that I still need to prep for people visiting this weekend, and be ready for D&D and do a bunch of other appointments, and all that. 

So I’m dropping what doesn’t have to be done right away. And instead I’m doing things I enjoy when I have downtime. Otherwise he is my priority and I will do whatever I have to do to make sure he gets the help he needs. 

We are both slowly being crushed by this. I don’t need to bring other heavy stuff too.

Depression Test from App: 16 (Moderately Severe Depression) 

Arrhythmia Doc Appt 7/17

Monday 9:36 AM 7/17

Arrhythmia Doc Appt

Up early to get him to his appointment today at 10:30.

Hopeful that they can do something to find out what’s causing his migraine (which is still going since the 6th)

Whirlwind of Emotions 7/16 7PM

 Sunday 7:13 PM 7/16 

Whirlwind of Emotions

No outside cause that I can tell, I just can’t seem to calm down and my emotions are jumping all over the place. Anxiety, feeling like I can’t breathe, panic, anger. Wanting to dig my nails into my skin. Wanting to beg someone to make the torture stop, but no one is hurting me… I’m just terrified and emotionally exhausted and just having constant intrusive thoughts.

Written 7/16, posted 7/24

Tired but OK 7/16

 Sun 10:16 AM 7/16/2023

Tired but OK 

He still has a migraine. It was less yesterday morning and then got worse after we took a walk and then a shower together. 

We had sex, in case that might help. 

I gave him ah addt med. it seems to help. 

He’s been more outspoken and energetic since the meds at the Urgent Care. 

It’s been hard on both of us. 

We are both out of spoons. He’s been hurting for so long he just doesn’t have any patience left. And I’ve been trying to take everything off his plate that I can to help with the stress and pain. And have been trying to be patient with him, too. 

But we are snapping at each other constantly, and keep almost having arguments. We are both so tired both mentally and physically. 

But I feel like we really connected last night right before bed. So I hope he gets some sleep, and that drinking a ton of water last night helped him, and that one of these meds or methods starts to actually help. 

But, I’m going to try this morning to be more mindful. To be more grateful that we are at least together in this mess. 

I painted a mini last night, or at least started one. I’ve told myself I’m not going to try SO HARD to make it perfect, I’m just painting it for fun. I am enjoying it so far. 

We also watched Die Hard last night. I didn’t remember much of it. Except the glass. 

We didn’t do maintenance, but I still have my list. So it will be ok.

Written 7/16, posted 7/24

Written 7/, posted 7/24