(gray is pencil, black is in pen, idk if that's important or not)
July 6 (Seshafi)
Mikkal says that He and Kyle are fighting over me. He says that I appear physically different from the rest. I don't know how the others appear, but I know that my reflection in the glass is similar to what I expected, except my skin is lighter, and... They say I am beautiful. I was never beautiful, I was simply
July 7 (Seshafi)
I was interrupted in my writing by Mikkal. (Last night) He took my ass. At first, He asked if I wanted anal, and laughed when I reflexively covered up. He asked again, and after I did not respond, He commanded me onto His bed. I stayed still (on my knees, head down, hands forward [on His bed]) as I could, but it was very difficult to maintain my position. It hurt. He asked me several times if I liked it, and seemed disappointed at first when I responded with "No Sir." He moved me to my bed on the floor, and after a short while, had me change positions from my knees to my back. He questioned me on why I didn't like it, and it seemed odd to me. I responded that He was taking my ass, and females aren't intended to enjoy it. After this, He seemed more open to enjoying my pain/lack of enjoyment. This went on for a while. At times, it didn't hurt at all, but this was usually right before it would hurt very badly and I would have to hold my breath to keep silent. He prefers that I don't make a sound. I was not able to remain completely silent, but I feel I did well for my first time under these orders. This went on for a long time. He said He was going to come inside me, and then began to go even harder. I tried to take it, but found myself begging Him to come. When I did this, He stopped, and told me He wouldn't come in me. He took a few more thrusts to watch my face, and then pulled out. He said He wouldn't give me that privilege yet. I expected Him to go to bed at this point. I was upset, somewhat, and confused. I understand that I am His slave, and property. I had simply gained an expectation of something different. I know that He is fully within His rights (even expected and encouraged) to use my body in any way He wishes, at any time He wishes, but somehow I was not prepared mentally for the way He had just used me, and would likely use me again in the future. Instead of going to sleep and leaving me to come to term with this, He laid down beside me and held me. He spoke with me about my concerns, our relationships, and other things of more or less importance. He said that Andrew had told Him and Kyle that neither of them could have sole ownership of me. I didn't completely understand that, but I accept it. He played with me, and showed me how good pain can feel. I didn't understand that before, and I'm very glad He opened my eyes to it. The pain made me want to be completely lepless to Him, strapped down, and put through pain at His discretion. He put His fingers inside me, and said that I've done well so far, but I still have to earn his dick and cum inside me. I wanted to let go, it felt as if I could float away, but He instructed me to keep my eyes on Him, which kept me anchored. He said I have to earn anything other than anal, that one day He'll let me keep His cum inside me, and I'll hold it there for a long time at His instruction. This morning, I was taking care of myself privately, and He came into the room where I was. He made me stand, allow Him access, and wait for Him to finish. I felt so disgusting, and wrong. By the time it was over I was nearly in tears. He allowed me to sit, and then made me look Him in the eyes. He said I should have told Him o that He wasn't forced to interrupt me, but that I wasn't in trouble, and He wasn't upset. I really felt like property, then. It's almost as if there are two sides to the way I belong.
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Melissa was out before that. Mikkal really seems to like her. I forget what she did or anything. I know she helped cook man-salad when she told j she could talk about things other than orders. She was trying to be nice.
I have been out for two days. Well, since they got back from the VA yesterday.
I wonder if He tells the other girl who I am - She seems to shy away from me a lot and I hope she isn't afraid of me. -that I haven't done anything to upset her.
Blink told me to tell Him "Hi" today, and told Melissa to ask Him a Q when she was out.
Emily wonders if I'm in touch with these people more because we stay away from the main house. She says I should know Gin and Danny then, too.
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When done blogging, inform Master in some way, just as sister must leave blog open.
Who ATE the Raisin Bran?!?!
Please enforce all rules and orders
-Even gum please, I like asking my Daddy.
-Seshafi, for Susy
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July 9, 2011 (Emily)
Last night (July 8) was the third night in a row that I've had anal. It's always right after He pops a pain pill, and it's always Seshafi. This last time, there were parts she was able to enjoy. Not a lot, but it's better than hating the whole time and just feeling like she's doing her duty, not understanding how it can feel good. She started hurting again right as she was about to come. It was like a painful pressure building, and it made her anxious because she doesn't understand . So she tried to fight it, and somehow, ass already sore and painful and worn, survived until He finally got off. He was very proud of her for taking it. Lauren explained a lot of things to her the other day. He asked how old she is, and she didn't understand. Lauren said 17 or 18 unless she's projecting - we all saw the way she was holding that stuffed frog, but it hit hard when He asked. It is a possibility that she's younger, but I hadn't even considered it, she is so well-trained, and ready to serve like an adult - she knows how to speak, act, behave, and run a household better than most of us, so I highly doubt she's young. She tried to push out very suddenly in the car, but when I finally tried to let her out, (He wasn't sure He liked me knowing I was leaving) she couldn't stay very well. I've felt so rebellions and ATTITUDY since then. Unsettles. I really wish He'd hurt me. Seshafi would be happy just to be held. I don't just want pain, though. I want an attitude adjustment. I also wanted people to notice and like my earrings. I also didn't want to forget my laptop @ home. I had plans for Jessi that involve time-release blog instructions. I might be able to do it tomorrow.
-He tripped and hit His head today. I found Him outside and it scared the shit out of me. I thought He was hurt BAD BAD BAD. I wanted someone to understand how upset I was and care for me, too. But I'm OK. July 10
Blog is a drawing.
in the car, driving to the vacation.
July 11 (monday)
It's our anniversary today (2 yrs). We went to cherokee, and spent the whole day going through gift shops. It hasn't really felt like our anniversary. He's still not fully back to normal after the head injury. The heat, the hunger, and just random stuff has been triggering personality changes - not anger or anything, but He gets more anxious a lot faster - and it's added a lot of stress, because I never know when it's going to happen - or what He'll do. We spent $15 on a leather vest today, which took us through - and and $7 on relaxing body wash for our anniversary b/c it's been discontinued at the main stores like WalMart and Target. That took us through all of our spending money other than what I had saved for our anniversary dinner. I wanted to buy a few things, and I'm glad I didn't, because I thought we were getting 50% off of we took Destiny (Major's girl) with us - turns out, Nope. So we have $40 including tax to spend on dinner, and then we're broke the entire rest of the week and can't buy anything. I tried to communicate this, but he is determined to take me out to a "nice dinner" for our anniversary. I'd rather go gem mining, or buy a huge jawbreaker for me, Him, and jessi. Or buy sandwich supplies and a bottle of sparkling grape juice like last time. I gave Him a special foot-rub and massage (not sexual) as my present to Him. He's still sleeping. I wanted so much more from our anniversary -No, not money-wise. I wanted more time alone with my Husband - and I wish He was feeling better!It breaks me that He's been sick and in pain this entire vacation/week. Major has been more of an unbearable asshole than ever this whole trip, it's really been pissing me off, because I'm working so hard to stay levelheaded and not get upset over how much pain Master is in that I have no patience for crude humor or rude remarks.
I wish it was like it used to be, when we could hold hands and it was a rush, when we were "that couple" - the passionate teenagers who couldn't keep their hands off each other - when we could make out for hours... I feel like we've moved past those feelings into the deep, passionate, married-for-years kind of love... And there's nothing wrong with that, but I really miss the excitement, and the surprises, and the SEC in spontaneous places!
I want pain - but not just that, I want to work out some anger, too. I want to wrestle, and bite and kick and punch until I'm too tired to move. I want to fight as hard as I can, an lose. And be punished for losing - and humiliated. And I want to lie on the floor and be laughed at and called a stupid, weak, little girl. I want pain - I almost want to cut. My head hurts.
I'd kill for a basket of peaches or chocolate covered strawberries with sparkling grape juice and some nice music and privacy (with my Husband, of course!) and massage oil and candles and hmmm... Maybe some of those little cheese cubes with toothpicks in them. That would be my ideal anniversary date. (insert as of July 28 2011, and a good movie) It would take more effort, that's for sure, but... it would be perfect.
July 12, 2011. Tuesday
After blogging yesterday, life and my mood improved significantly. I went swinging and climbed the huge hill behind the house we're staying in. Major's mom climbed with me, and we took snacks and a blanket, and sat and talked while the sun went down. I felt much better by the time I came back down the hill. It was pretty, and really helped. We played some in bed before going to sleep, and Luke revealed that He he'd found out what sex is. I didn't give it to him, and at first he said I must not love him, but we talked for a while and he was really sweet and caring after.He got in trouble though.
This morning, before we left, Master wanted to climb the hill. He wasn't impressed, and said He's never doing it again. It wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped, He rushed up and back down, too. I just wanted to enjoy the climb. I feel like the stuff from home has followed us on vacation - but I think it might be me that's changed. I keep being irritated w/ matt, but I really think it's my POV and not him acting any different. I hate how he's convinced that he's the only one with a valuable opinion that he always interrupts everyone else and has no respect for anyone else, because no one else matters to him. I hate talking around people, chances are it won't be worth it to me [to wait] to repeat myself until he actually pauses for breath long enough for me to say something.
I'm going to be in trouble now b/c everyone interrupted me and I lost my nerve to actually try an impression - and Master told me to say it... and He quit playing the game we were playing because of it. It's so stupid and now this whole trip is going to suck. I hate this. I feel like SHIT and I know I'm wrong but I can't put myself in that position to get mocked and now I'm now I'm hurting anyway because I couldn't start a 4th fucking time. They all cut me off, 3 fucking times and it takes forever for me to say anything - I feel like it's b/c I'm a submissive and I don't matter. (I don't know if it's true or I'm just imagining it) - I HATE IT.
I'm worthy of listening to, I'm not useless.
I really want to swim. I hope He doesn't take that away from me as a punishment.
I also wish we could stop and pick blue (i meant black) berries on the way/back... they look so good.
I miss my papa.
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I didn't have my noebook on Wed. July 13, 2011
but we went to 6 flags, called jessi @ night, ate out twice ($10ish left) and He got me a dipndots (choc and vanilla) at the mall of GA. We got home at midnight. The weather was miserable @ six flags and He was sick a lot, but the rides were a lot of fun (except Goliath + Mindbender, I got lightheaded on Goliath, and Destiny got sicker there, too - She passed out in the car)
We went swimming on the 12th, He didn't punish me.
The first ride was the best, and it put a huge grin on my face. [I like carowinds way better, though]
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July 14 (Thursday)
Tuesday night (the 12th) we were at the hotel and the rooms were adjoined - major and his parents in one room, and destiny and us in the other. After the light show (BAD idea, loads of flashing lights, LEDs, kids, and cameras) Master felt llike shit and really wanted to go to bed. So, I got Him in bed before destiny came in, and we were about to turn off all the lights and sleep when major came in. He talked about some "important stuff" and then climbed in bed with destiny. We tried to hint to him to leave (we'd been thinking about sex, and asking destiny to leave, but decided against it only because He was hurting) and he said he wanted to snuggle her. OK, Fine, whatever. Turned off the lights, and all we could hear was those those. I put the pillow over my face and cried, and Master held me close. When I was done crying, He told me to get dressed, (of course I forgot my glasses) and we left the room. We talked about them, and why we were upset, and then after they'd had sex in our hotel room, they came to see if everything was OK. I didn't say anything and let Master handle it. He didn't act upset and we went back to the room (d and major stayed out long enough for Him to tell me this) and He told me He'd deal with it after six flags, but until then, to act like nothing had happened. He'd really been looking forward to enjoying six flags w/ major, and the rides, etc and not to spoil it for Him. He called Seshafi and then I went to sleep. They talked last night (13th) about it.
Time to go pack - gtg. I'll blog more on the way home.
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July 15 (friday)
In the car again. We just watched the last Harry Potter movie. It was pretty good. Now we're taking destiny home before major takes us home. he doesn't want to have julie in the car the whole trip t her house and back (1 hr round trip) so we get to go home 2nd. jessi isn't coming home until after work tomorrow, so I still have plenty of time to get laid.
Master says He's going to fuck me all day in the mouth, cunt, and ass - and He's going to come in my ass until the His cum oozes out uncontrollably (and not let me use the bathroom or get rid of His cum until it does). He fucked me last night already.
I wasn't feeling very well, kept feeling nauseous when I stood up -- but then we eased into sex, and the eased into anal- and it was great!It didn't hurt too badly, I didn't freak out or anything. We shared this awesome fantasy punishment for me. For each strike, I have to stay a day in stocks in the basement. Full body stocks, holding my wrists down, my neck down, my hips up, and my legs spread. I'm in the perfect position for anal - the "present your ass" position.
The first day.
He would leave me downstairs in the dungeon in the dark, with nothing to keep me company but the bugs. When He wanted my ass, He would come downstairs and use it, and then leave me there until I was done with my punishment or until He wanted it again.
The second strike would be 2 days in the same position/stocks, but He would feed me this time - a shot of cum every two hours - if He couldn't provide that much cum for 2 days, He would have two girls help Him fill up my servings, and satisfy Him where I couldn't - He said He'd make me learn the difference between the two girls and what they taste like. He said He wouldn't even let me up to use the bathroom, I'd have ot mess myself - He called me a filthy whore. I moaned no, but it made me so wet. I thought about being stuck alone in the basement but still being embarrassed at having to shit myself, and the realization that piss would likely drip down my body to my face.
The third strike would be three days. He wouldn't come downstairs at all, He said. He said He would invite men over to the house to fuck/feed me. He would tell them they could fuck me as long as they shot their load in my mouth. I would be fucked/fed every two hours. Nothing to eat or drink for 3 days except for strangers cum and whatever shit was on their dick from my ass. The same rules about using the bathroom applied. They'd turn the light off when they left. I'd be alone.
He got off just from my voice at the end, talking about this fantasy.
(I wonder if I have to use two collars since He's not wearing His bracelet? -Seshafi)
(Major's mom made Him a tomato sandwich - Master loves them! I'll make Him them now I know.)
Did I mention I gave Him a blowjob in the car on the way back home yesterday? Best road head ever! I actually got Him to come I was so excited. and horny. It felt amazing. Mikkal told me [at the beginning] that if they looked back because I was made noise, He'd stop completely. He fingered me, I sucked Him off, He forced me to gag, but I stayed quiet. He had salt on His fingers from eating sunflower seeds @ one point. We finally stopped when it started to hurt me bad. When He started fingering me, He stretched my hole in a way he'd never done before and I really loved it.
Also, I didn't think and showed Luke my vagina to look at.
Timmy came out - He doesn't like tomato sandwiches!
July 16 (Saturday, 3AM)
So of course we fucked. And, like always, it was AWESOME (Bold AND Italics). We got home @ 5PMish, cleaned up about an hour, and started taking showers at 6PM to go out. I let on that I'd like a new toy, so instead of Scotties, we went to longhorn and priscilla's. We bought a porn, a $1 tub of body butter (I thought it was poweder, picked up the wrong container) and a new toy for me - a jelly one. I haven't had a jelly toy before, it smells like those strawberry shortcake dolls, I (HEART) it. Ate out, tipped our waiter $11 on a $32 meal - $36 on the card, $7 cash... He was awesome, the food was awesome... We left the restaurant happy. Sex! (Did I mention Major is still at our house? They watched The Mechanic and I'll watch it tomorrow. He is watching Saw: The End right now) Master blindfolded me, fucked me (Pussy, then ass) while watching His new porn (Which He says sucks, BTW $10 Waste-o-cash, FTW) and also used my new toy on me - (I cant' wait to have Him shove me face-down on the bed and ream my ass with it, it's a stepped out [I was looking for the word tapered] pattern with graduated increments of getting wider, and would really hurt if He wanted it to, it's not smooth - this turns Him on, too) While I was on my back, blindfolded, hushed, He shoved the toy into my ass and made me hold it (Standing order to use the word "ass" or "asshole" - it turns Him on) while He shoved His cock back into my cunt. He called me a whore and asked if I liked it. "Yes, Sir" Then He made me fuck myself with the toy while he was inside me. He had to pull out, He almost shot His load inside me, He liked the feel of the toy in my ass on His dick so much. (I'll bet major would like to have a capitalization rule about his dick for destiny) That's tge first time since our promise that He hasn't come inside me. I don't mind. We decided that if He comes while getting it up the ass that it doesn't count anyway, b/c there's no opportunity for me to catch while strapped on.
We talked about some important stuff tonight. (I'm supposed to be sleeping but I'm awake now. No Saw: The End for me, I'm in a good submissive zone ATM.) For some reason, I woke up right after major went to bed, just as He was getting off (haha) the phone with jessi. He massaged my feet and legs while we talked (AMAZING). He is worried about keeping up with my sex drive and wants to ask the doctor if His testosterone is low, etc. He doesn't want sex pills, just something to increase interest. He expressed frustration with my desire for bondage (Mostly B in BDSM) as foreplay since He doesn't connect the two very well, but also desire, (Yippee!) to do more with me sadistically. He wants me to write realistic, doable fantasies, basically with an ingredient chart and time estimated for preperation - so He can pick one and have me "Make it for dinner" so to speak. He says He'd really like me to be in bondage (I hate Saw. Just heard glass break on tv) when He gets home from work at night. I pointed out the issue w/ me in bondage alone at home, so He said He'll set a five-minute timer (metal noise) from the time He steps through the door (metal Saw noise) - As an incentive to His sadistic side, if I'm not in position when He steps into the room, He'll be able to whip/cane/etc me for failing my timeline - until He comes into whatever room I've set up for Him. We're going to work on some scenarios tomorrow. I wish I'd known that hurting me is SUCH a turn-on for Him, we'll have to give Him MANY more excuses/opportunities to do that!
I wish He'd actually punish (inflict pain) me for the little stuff He pretends to get onto me about. The gum, making the bed... I always play-sorry and hope He'll throw me to the ground (or say "Five") and "Teach me a lesson" in obedience. I'm going to hate myself for this, but bent over the bed and caned for not being "perfect" would be a huge turn-on even if I'd done it right . We'd have to have a way of knowing when it was play VS punishment thought. I guess real punishment gets a mark usually, or He'd say "I'm serious, this is something I want you to work on" before continuing a punishment. (July 16, 2011 4AM I told Him the wrong date)
A rope tied between the legs of the coffee table with a clip in between could be useful if I was wearing my cuffs. Just turn the table standing, clip onto both cuffs, put me on my knees, arms up, and either cane me or leave me there - lectures are a good form of punishment while in hush (And I know Master can fabricate a lecture if need be).
Randomly bent over and "lube-checked" could be fun. If at any given time, He calls submit and can't get what He intends (finger, toy, cock) up my ass b/c I'm "not lubed enough" He gets to cane me X times. Theory is I should always be ready to serve, even by keeping my ass lubed for His pleasure.
The strip test. Ease of access for my Master is key. He calls strip and I have X seconds to be naked. If I fail, consequence. 2 ways: naked or just undressed enough for sex - ie boots can stay on, pants must be down, topless. To make it harder, clothes must be neatly folded to specs.
He liked the idea of making me drink large amounts of coffee.
He wants to be able to come on my face.
Play ideas for a sadist =)
Caning/Whips/Paddles
Coffee, cold or black
bathroom deprivation
clit torture
cunt punches (may require bondage)
getting off to other women at my expense
holding cum in my mouth
Humiliation:
"you talk too much, bitch - go get me your gag. hush until tomorrow morning"
Made to crawl all day to "learn to mop"
tongue humbler
lipstick message of shame on forehead
made to wear heels all day (idk why)
made to "practice blowjobs" on toys with criticism
Keep X in your cunt all day "so you think of Me, slut"
forced to wear a plug X hours
knife play
come until painful! =) (forced orgasms)
Role-Play scenes? I'd love to put together a "set" to play in.
-rape/burglar
-military/boot camp
-school girl
-music lessons gone bad (I "forgot" how to play guitar)
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