I'm almost done! It looks really nice, and I can't wait. I'm thinking maybe we should out candy in it though and let someone beat it to shit.
lol.
So I've been doing that and looking through the etiquette book. It has 40+ chapters and almost 500 pages. Some of the chapters seem to have irrelevant information, so I hope He'll let me do the report on the applicable parts.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
To Do Today, and this week.
This Week:
Horse
Begin reading the Good Housekeeping's Book of Today's Etiquette and taking notes on the chapters I've read
E-mail the people on fetlife, ESPECIALLY the active ones.
Today:
Wash Dishes
Laundry, FOLD
Bathe Dogs, flea bath
E-mail fetlife, 12pm
Email fetlife, 6PM
E-mail fetlife, before bed
Take and upload pics of horse progress from last night and today
Feed/walk dogs
feed turtle, turn on light.
Horse
Begin reading the Good Housekeeping's Book of Today's Etiquette and taking notes on the chapters I've read
E-mail the people on fetlife, ESPECIALLY the active ones.
Today:
Wash Dishes
Laundry, FOLD
Email fetlife, 6PM
E-mail fetlife, before bed
Take and upload pics of horse progress from last night and today
Feed/walk dogs
feed turtle, turn on light.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
interesting punishment
After that, look to the other person's 'it sucks but I'll do it for you' list such as writing sentences with blunt half-crayons in alternating colors, some form of sheer boredom such as counting a big stack of paperclip or pennies and then you add or subtract a few and make them recount them while they are in some type of discomfort (icewater on feet/ball weights/nipple clamps). Of course you can dispute their count and make them recount as many times as you find amusing Flamingo standing where one leg is tied up or other stress positions such as 'invisible chair'. Reading the psy-ops at Gitmo may give you some inspiration. Writing 1000 word essay on what happened, what they learned, how they intend to avoid this in the future in longhand with NO erasures, mistakes, misspellings, etc.
(link)
(link)
Suggestion rules
Rules I'd written for myself back in october of 2010 for Master to consider imposing on me.
When I take off my clothing and have the intention of putting it back on, I will fold it immediately.
I will wash my dishes as soon as I finish eating.
This body belongs to my Master. He may use it when He desires, command it as He wishes, dress it as He prefer, and pamper or torture it at His whim. It is my duty to ensure that this body is in suitable condition to meet His desires and needs at all times.
When I take off my clothing and have the intention of putting it back on, I will fold it immediately.
I will wash my dishes as soon as I finish eating.
This body belongs to my Master. He may use it when He desires, command it as He wishes, dress it as He prefer, and pamper or torture it at His whim. It is my duty to ensure that this body is in suitable condition to meet His desires and needs at all times.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Earrings
oh.. I got the earring all the way through this morning. Master says they'd look better on Him, they're His earrings, etc. When He gets His ear holes big enough to use these earrings, He's going to want them back.
major came over last night. he disappeared before morning.
been working my ass off today, jessi's mom is coming over tomorrow, and I just found out this morning that tomorrow actually means the asscrack of dawn tomorrow morning, say 8:30 AM.... so no cleaning time tomorrow.
major came over last night. he disappeared before morning.
been working my ass off today, jessi's mom is coming over tomorrow, and I just found out this morning that tomorrow actually means the asscrack of dawn tomorrow morning, say 8:30 AM.... so no cleaning time tomorrow.
FUCK
He was online!
I thought He was texting me from His phone, so I didn't reply because I didn't want to waste His minutes. UGH I feel so stupid! It said Relly's Phone, and that phone number isn't even working right now!
fuck fuck fuckety fuckness.
I thought He was texting me from His phone, so I didn't reply because I didn't want to waste His minutes. UGH I feel so stupid! It said Relly's Phone, and that phone number isn't even working right now!
fuck fuck fuckety fuckness.
J to-do before leaving tomorrow at 9AM
jessi
Turtle cage
Horse
clean your room
send group messages until spamblocked 4PM
Send group messages until spamblocked twice 10PM
blog before bed
Basement once-over
ASK FOR HELP! Asking for help is a perfectly adult thing to do, and we want you to talk to us/ask for things/confide in us.
Other
take out trash
Definitely me
make bed
laundry ?(wash/dry/fold/put away) 1234567
Kitchen (pick up/sweep/mop)
Hall (mop/sweep)
Living Room (sweep/pick up)
Wash Dishes
Fine to do later
budget
grocery list (Master needs some type of sandwich meat for work tomorrow $6 a day is too much for lunch)
Horse
Send group messages until spamblocked twice 10PM
blog before bed
Basement once-over
ASK FOR HELP! Asking for help is a perfectly adult thing to do, and we want you to talk to us/ask for things/confide in us.
Other
Definitely me
Fine to do later
budget
grocery list (Master needs some type of sandwich meat for work tomorrow $6 a day is too much for lunch)
Thursday, July 28, 2011
The PS is always the best part
Confinement as punishment
Why wooden paddles are supposed to hurt more than other stuff
PS
I tried a shot of sour spray with a very small amount of vodka added. YUM, would be better without the vodka.
Seshafi has been practically pining away for the earrings that Master gave up on and left in the drawer. I am now able to get the back and front loop on one of them while wearing it. The other one will have to wait, I would need a lot more alcohol to get both sides through. Also, the shower and the pain relief anti-germ stuff really helped my ears become easier to work with. Still hurt like a bitch. She's been begging me to work on them for her for forever... Glad I did it while alone though... I was cussing up a storm, lol.
back to blogging the july 6-16th blog. it's really long.
my ears are very sore, lol.
Why wooden paddles are supposed to hurt more than other stuff
PS
I tried a shot of sour spray with a very small amount of vodka added. YUM, would be better without the vodka.
Seshafi has been practically pining away for the earrings that Master gave up on and left in the drawer. I am now able to get the back and front loop on one of them while wearing it. The other one will have to wait, I would need a lot more alcohol to get both sides through. Also, the shower and the pain relief anti-germ stuff really helped my ears become easier to work with. Still hurt like a bitch. She's been begging me to work on them for her for forever... Glad I did it while alone though... I was cussing up a storm, lol.
back to blogging the july 6-16th blog. it's really long.
my ears are very sore, lol.
July 6-16th finished!
Copied from my notebook. (Finally found it!) After my family has had a chance to read it, it will be moved to the proper date on this blog. Hope You enjoy, Sir. (Seemed like a good way to open up my creativity, I plan on doing a lot of writing today.)
(gray is pencil, black is in pen, idk if that's important or not)
July 6 (Seshafi)
Mikkal says that He and Kyle are fighting over me. He says that I appear physically different from the rest. I don't know how the others appear, but I know that my reflection in the glass is similar to what I expected, except my skin is lighter, and... They say I am beautiful. I was never beautiful, I was simplygood at... things talented.
July 7 (Seshafi)
I was interrupted in my writing by Mikkal. (Last night) He took my ass. At first, He asked if I wanted anal, and laughed when I reflexively covered up. He asked again, and after I did not respond, He commanded me onto His bed. I stayed still (on my knees, head down, hands forward [on His bed]) as I could, but it was very difficult to maintain my position. It hurt. He asked me several times if I liked it, and seemed disappointed at first when I responded with "No Sir." He moved me to my bed on the floor, and after a short while, had me change positions from my knees to my back. He questioned me on why I didn't like it, and it seemed odd to me. I responded that He was taking my ass, and females aren't intended to enjoy it. After this, He seemed more open to enjoying my pain/lack of enjoyment. This went on for a while. At times, it didn't hurt at all, but this was usually right before it would hurt very badly and I would have to hold my breath to keep silent. He prefers that I don't make a sound. I was not able to remain completely silent, but I feel I did well for my first time under these orders. This went on for a long time. He said He was going to come inside me, and then began to go even harder. I tried to take it, but found myself begging Him to come. When I did this, He stopped, and told me He wouldn't come in me. He took a few more thrusts to watch my face, and then pulled out. He said He wouldn't give me that privilege yet. I expected Him to go to bed at this point. I was upset, somewhat, and confused. I understand that I am His slave, and property. I had simply gained an expectation of something different. I know that He is fully within His rights (even expected and encouraged) to use my body in any way He wishes, at any time He wishes, but somehow I was not prepared mentally for the way He had just used me, and would likely use me again in the future. Instead of going to sleep and leaving me to come to term with this, He laid down beside me and held me. He spoke with me about my concerns, our relationships, and other things of more or less importance. He said that Andrew had told Him and Kyle that neither of them could have sole ownership of me. I didn't completely understand that, but I accept it. He played with me, and showed me how good pain can feel. I didn't understand that before, and I'm very glad He opened my eyes to it. The pain made me want to be completely lepless to Him, strapped down, and put through pain at His discretion. He put His fingers inside me, and said that I've done well so far, but I still have to earn his dick and cum inside me. I wanted to let go, it felt as if I could float away, but He instructed me to keep my eyes on Him, which kept me anchored. He said I have to earn anything other than anal, that one day He'll let me keep His cum inside me, and I'll hold it there for a long time at His instruction. This morning, I was taking care of myself privately, and He came into the room where I was. He made me stand, allow Him access, and wait for Him to finish. I felt so disgusting, and wrong. By the time it was over I was nearly in tears. He allowed me to sit, and then made me look Him in the eyes. He said I should have told Him o that He wasn't forced to interrupt me, but that I wasn't in trouble, and He wasn't upset. I really felt like property, then. It's almost as if there are two sides to the way I belong.
-----------------------------------------------
Phiar was out a few days ago (July 5). She got drunk off just a few drinks and there was an argument over something stupid. She felt like she was being treated too much like a sub, and He said her offer to have sex and swallow the cum after was a very sub thing to say. She disagreed. She also wanted choc syrup and He made her spit it out. After, she felt horrible drunkwise and ended up in bed w/ Him b/c she felt like she was falling. He didn't make her switchbut said He won't let her drink ever again.
Melissa was out before that. Mikkal really seems to like her. I forget what she did or anything. I know she helped cook man-salad when she told j she could talk about things other than orders. She was trying to be nice.
I have been out for two days. Well, since they got back from the VA yesterday.
I wonder if He tells the other girl who I am - She seems to shy away from me a lot and I hope she isn't afraid of me. -that I haven't done anything to upset her.
Blink told me to tell Him "Hi" today, and told Melissa to ask Him a Q when she was out.
Emily wonders if I'm in touch with these people more because we stay away from the main house. She says I should know Gin and Danny then, too.
-------------
Who ATE the Raisin Bran?!?!
Please enforce all rules and orders
-Even gum please, I like asking my Daddy.
-Seshafi, for Susy
-----------------------------------
July 9, 2011 (Emily)
July 10
Blog is a drawing.
in the car, driving to the vacation.
July 11 (monday)
It's our anniversary today (2 yrs). We went to cherokee, and spent the whole day going through gift shops. It hasn't really felt like our anniversary. He's still not fully back to normal after the head injury. The heat, the hunger, and just random stuff has been triggering personality changes - not anger or anything, but He gets more anxious a lot faster - and it's added a lot of stress, because I never know when it's going to happen - or what He'll do. We spent $15 on a leather vest today, which took us through - and and $7 on relaxing body wash for our anniversary b/c it's been discontinued at the main stores like WalMart and Target. That took us through all of our spending money other than what I had saved for our anniversary dinner. I wanted to buy a few things, and I'm glad I didn't, because I thought we were getting 50% off of we took Destiny (Major's girl) with us - turns out, Nope. So we have $40 including tax to spend on dinner, and then we're broke the entire rest of the week and can't buy anything. I tried to communicate this, but he is determined to take me out to a "nice dinner" for our anniversary. I'd rather go gem mining, or buy a huge jawbreaker for me, Him, and jessi. Or buy sandwich supplies and a bottle of sparkling grape juice like last time. I gave Him a special foot-rub and massage (not sexual) as my present to Him. He's still sleeping. I wanted so much more from our anniversary -No, not money-wise. I wanted more time alone with my Husband - and I wish He was feeling better!It breaks me that He's been sick and in pain this entire vacation/week. Major has been more of an unbearable asshole than ever this whole trip, it's really been pissing me off, because I'm working so hard to stay levelheaded and not get upset over how much pain Master is in that I have no patience for crude humor or rude remarks.
I wish it was like it used to be, when we could hold hands and it was a rush, when we were "that couple" - the passionate teenagers who couldn't keep their hands off each other - when we could make out for hours... I feel like we've moved past those feelings into the deep, passionate, married-for-years kind of love... And there's nothing wrong with that, but I really miss the excitement, and the surprises, and the SEC in spontaneous places!
I want pain - but not just that, I want to work out some anger, too. I want to wrestle, and bite and kick and punch until I'm too tired to move. I want to fight as hard as I can, an lose. And be punished for losing - and humiliated. And I want to lie on the floor and be laughed at and called a stupid, weak, little girl. I want pain - I almost want to cut. My head hurts.
I'd kill for a basket of peaches or chocolate covered strawberries with sparkling grape juice and some nice music and privacy (with my Husband, of course!) and massage oil and candles and hmmm... Maybe some of those little cheese cubes with toothpicks in them. That would be my ideal anniversary date. (insert as of July 28 2011, and a good movie) It would take more effort, that's for sure, but... it would be perfect.
July 12, 2011. Tuesday
After blogging yesterday, life and my mood improved significantly. I went swinging and climbed the huge hill behind the house we're staying in. Major's mom climbed with me, and we took snacks and a blanket, and sat and talked while the sun went down. I felt much better by the time I came back down the hill. It was pretty, and really helped. We played some in bed before going to sleep, and Luke revealed that He he'd found out what sex is. I didn't give it to him, and at first he said I must not love him, but we talked for a while and he was really sweet and caring after.He got in trouble though.
This morning, before we left, Master wanted to climb the hill. He wasn't impressed, and said He's never doing it again. It wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped, He rushed up and back down, too. I just wanted to enjoy the climb. I feel like the stuff from home has followed us on vacation - but I think it might be me that's changed. I keep being irritated w/ matt, but I really think it's my POV and not him acting any different. I hate how he's convinced that he's the only one with a valuable opinion that he always interrupts everyone else and has no respect for anyone else, because no one else matters to him. I hate talking around people, chances are it won't be worth it to me [to wait] to repeat myself until he actually pauses for breath long enough for me to say something.
I'm going to be in trouble now b/c everyone interrupted me and I lost my nerve to actually try an impression - and Master told me to say it... and He quit playing the game we were playing because of it. It's so stupid and now this whole trip is going to suck. I hate this. I feel like SHIT and I know I'm wrong but I can't put myself in that position to get mocked and now I'm now I'm hurting anyway because I couldn't start a 4th fucking time. They all cut me off, 3 fucking times and it takes forever for me to say anything - I feel like it's b/c I'm a submissive and I don't matter. (I don't know if it's true or I'm just imagining it) - I HATE IT.
I'm worthy of listening to, I'm not useless.
I really want to swim. I hope He doesn't take that away from me as a punishment.
I also wish we could stop and pick blue (i meant black) berries on the way/back... they look so good.
I miss my papa.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't have my noebook on Wed. July 13, 2011
but we went to 6 flags, called jessi @ night, ate out twice ($10ish left) and He got me a dipndots (choc and vanilla) at the mall of GA. We got home at midnight. The weather was miserable @ six flags and He was sick a lot, but the rides were a lot of fun (except Goliath + Mindbender, I got lightheaded on Goliath, and Destiny got sicker there, too - She passed out in the car)
We went swimming on the 12th, He didn't punish me.
The first ride was the best, and it put a huge grin on my face. [I like carowinds way better, though]
----------------------------------------
July 14 (Thursday)
Tuesday night (the 12th) we were at the hotel and the rooms were adjoined - major and his parents in one room, and destiny and us in the other. After the light show (BAD idea, loads of flashing lights, LEDs, kids, and cameras) Master felt llike shit and really wanted to go to bed. So, I got Him in bed before destiny came in, and we were about to turn off all the lights and sleep when major came in. He talked about some "important stuff" and then climbed in bed with destiny. We tried to hint to him to leave (we'd been thinking about sex, and asking destiny to leave, but decided against it only because He was hurting) and he said he wanted to snuggle her. OK, Fine, whatever. Turned off the lights, and all we could hear was those those. I put the pillow over my face and cried, and Master held me close. When I was done crying, He told me to get dressed, (of course I forgot my glasses) and we left the room. We talked about them, and why we were upset, and then after they'd had sex in our hotel room, they came to see if everything was OK. I didn't say anything and let Master handle it. He didn't act upset and we went back to the room (d and major stayed out long enough for Him to tell me this) and He told me He'd deal with it after six flags, but until then, to act like nothing had happened. He'd really been looking forward to enjoying six flags w/ major, and the rides, etc and not to spoil it for Him. He called Seshafi and then I went to sleep. They talked last night (13th) about it.
Time to go pack - gtg. I'll blog more on the way home.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
July 15 (friday)
In the car again. We just watched the last Harry Potter movie. It was pretty good. Now we're taking destiny home before major takes us home. he doesn't want to have julie in the car the whole trip t her house and back (1 hr round trip) so we get to go home 2nd. jessi isn't coming home until after work tomorrow, so I still have plenty of time to get laid.
Master says He's going to fuck me all day in the mouth, cunt, and ass - and He's going to come in my ass until the His cum oozes out uncontrollably (and not let me use the bathroom or get rid of His cum until it does). He fucked me last night already.
I wasn't feeling very well, kept feeling nauseous when I stood up -- but then we eased into sex, and the eased into anal- and it was great!It didn't hurt too badly, I didn't freak out or anything. We shared this awesome fantasy punishment for me. For each strike, I have to stay a day in stocks in the basement. Full body stocks, holding my wrists down, my neck down, my hips up, and my legs spread. I'm in the perfect position for anal - the "present your ass" position.
The first day.
He would leave me downstairs in the dungeon in the dark, with nothing to keep me company but the bugs. When He wanted my ass, He would come downstairs and use it, and then leave me there until I was done with my punishment or until He wanted it again.
The second strike would be 2 days in the same position/stocks, but He would feed me this time - a shot of cum every two hours - if He couldn't provide that much cum for 2 days, He would have two girls help Him fill up my servings, and satisfy Him where I couldn't - He said He'd make me learn the difference between the two girls and what they taste like. He said He wouldn't even let me up to use the bathroom, I'd have ot mess myself - He called me a filthy whore. I moaned no, but it made me so wet. I thought about being stuck alone in the basement but still being embarrassed at having to shit myself, and the realization that piss would likely drip down my body to my face.
The third strike would be three days. He wouldn't come downstairs at all, He said. He said He would invite men over to the house to fuck/feed me. He would tell them they could fuck me as long as they shot their load in my mouth. I would be fucked/fed every two hours. Nothing to eat or drink for 3 days except for strangers cum and whatever shit was on their dick from my ass. The same rules about using the bathroom applied. They'd turn the light off when they left. I'd be alone.
He got off just from my voice at the end, talking about this fantasy.
(I wonder if I have to use two collars since He's not wearing His bracelet? -Seshafi)
(Major's mom made Him a tomato sandwich - Master loves them! I'll make Him them now I know.)
Did I mention I gave Him a blowjob in the car on the way back home yesterday? Best road head ever! I actually got Him to come I was so excited. and horny. It felt amazing. Mikkal told me [at the beginning] that if they looked back because I was made noise, He'd stop completely. He fingered me, I sucked Him off, He forced me to gag, but I stayed quiet. He had salt on His fingers from eating sunflower seeds @ one point. We finally stopped when it started to hurt me bad. When He started fingering me, He stretched my hole in a way he'd never done before and I really loved it.
Also, I didn't think and showed Luke my vagina to look at.
Timmy came out - He doesn't like tomato sandwiches!
July 16 (Saturday, 3AM)
So of course we fucked. And, like always, it was AWESOME (Bold AND Italics). We got home @ 5PMish, cleaned up about an hour, and started taking showers at 6PM to go out. I let on that I'd like a new toy, so instead of Scotties, we went to longhorn and priscilla's. We bought a porn, a $1 tub of body butter (I thought it was poweder, picked up the wrong container) and a new toy for me - a jelly one. I haven't had a jelly toy before, it smells like those strawberry shortcake dolls, I (HEART) it. Ate out, tipped our waiter $11 on a $32 meal - $36 on the card, $7 cash... He was awesome, the food was awesome... We left the restaurant happy. Sex! (Did I mention Major is still at our house? They watched The Mechanic and I'll watch it tomorrow. He is watching Saw: The End right now) Master blindfolded me, fucked me (Pussy, then ass) while watching His new porn (Which He says sucks, BTW $10 Waste-o-cash, FTW) and also used my new toy on me - (I cant' wait to have Him shove me face-down on the bed and ream my ass with it, it's a stepped out [I was looking for the word tapered] pattern with graduated increments of getting wider, and would really hurt if He wanted it to, it's not smooth - this turns Him on, too) While I was on my back, blindfolded, hushed, He shoved the toy into my ass and made me hold it (Standing order to use the word "ass" or "asshole" - it turns Him on) while He shoved His cock back into my cunt. He called me a whore and asked if I liked it. "Yes, Sir" Then He made me fuck myself with the toy while he was inside me. He had to pull out, He almost shot His load inside me, He liked the feel of the toy in my ass on His dick so much. (I'll bet major would like to have a capitalization rule about his dick for destiny) That's tge first time since our promise that He hasn't come inside me. I don't mind. We decided that if He comes while getting it up the ass that it doesn't count anyway, b/c there's no opportunity for me to catch while strapped on.
We talked about some important stuff tonight. (I'm supposed to be sleeping but I'm awake now. No Saw: The End for me, I'm in a good submissive zone ATM.) For some reason, I woke up right after major went to bed, just as He was getting off (haha) the phone with jessi. He massaged my feet and legs while we talked (AMAZING). He is worried about keeping up with my sex drive and wants to ask the doctor if His testosterone is low, etc. He doesn't want sex pills, just something to increase interest. He expressed frustration with my desire for bondage (Mostly B in BDSM) as foreplay since He doesn't connect the two very well, but also desire, (Yippee!) to do more with me sadistically. He wants me to write realistic, doable fantasies, basically with an ingredient chart and time estimated for preperation - so He can pick one and have me "Make it for dinner" so to speak. He says He'd really like me to be in bondage (I hate Saw. Just heard glass break on tv) when He gets home from work at night. I pointed out the issue w/ me in bondage alone at home, so He said He'll set a five-minute timer (metal noise) from the time He steps through the door (metal Saw noise) - As an incentive to His sadistic side, if I'm not in position when He steps into the room, He'll be able to whip/cane/etc me for failing my timeline - until He comes into whatever room I've set up for Him. We're going to work on some scenarios tomorrow. I wish I'd known that hurting me is SUCH a turn-on for Him, we'll have to give Him MANY more excuses/opportunities to do that!
I wish He'd actually punish (inflict pain) me for the little stuff He pretends to get onto me about. The gum, making the bed... I always play-sorry and hope He'll throw me to the ground (or say "Five") and "Teach me a lesson" in obedience. I'm going to hate myself for this, but bent over the bed and caned for not being "perfect" would be a huge turn-on even if I'd done it right . We'd have to have a way of knowing when it was play VS punishment thought. I guess real punishment gets a mark usually, or He'd say "I'm serious, this is something I want you to work on" before continuing a punishment. (July 16, 2011 4AM I told Him the wrong date)
A rope tied between the legs of the coffee table with a clip in between could be useful if I was wearing my cuffs. Just turn the table standing, clip onto both cuffs, put me on my knees, arms up, and either cane me or leave me there - lectures are a good form of punishment while in hush (And I know Master can fabricate a lecture if need be).
Randomly bent over and "lube-checked" could be fun. If at any given time, He calls submit and can't get what He intends (finger, toy, cock) up my ass b/c I'm "not lubed enough" He gets to cane me X times. Theory is I should always be ready to serve, even by keeping my ass lubed for His pleasure.
The strip test. Ease of access for my Master is key. He calls strip and I have X seconds to be naked. If I fail, consequence. 2 ways: naked or just undressed enough for sex - ie boots can stay on, pants must be down, topless. To make it harder, clothes must be neatly folded to specs.
He liked the idea of making me drink large amounts of coffee.
He wants to be able to come on my face.
Play ideas for a sadist =)
Caning/Whips/Paddles
Coffee, cold or black
bathroom deprivation
clit torture
cunt punches (may require bondage)
getting off to other women at my expense
holding cum in my mouth
Humiliation:
"you talk too much, bitch - go get me your gag. hush until tomorrow morning"
Made to crawl all day to "learn to mop"
tongue humbler
lipstick message of shame on forehead
made to wear heels all day (idk why)
made to "practice blowjobs" on toys with criticism
Keep X in your cunt all day "so you think of Me, slut"
forced to wear a plug X hours
knife play
come until painful! =) (forced orgasms)
Role-Play scenes? I'd love to put together a "set" to play in.
-rape/burglar
-military/boot camp
-school girl
-music lessons gone bad (I "forgot" how to play guitar)
(gray is pencil, black is in pen, idk if that's important or not)
July 6 (Seshafi)
Mikkal says that He and Kyle are fighting over me. He says that I appear physically different from the rest. I don't know how the others appear, but I know that my reflection in the glass is similar to what I expected, except my skin is lighter, and... They say I am beautiful. I was never beautiful, I was simply
July 7 (Seshafi)
I was interrupted in my writing by Mikkal. (Last night) He took my ass. At first, He asked if I wanted anal, and laughed when I reflexively covered up. He asked again, and after I did not respond, He commanded me onto His bed. I stayed still (on my knees, head down, hands forward [on His bed]) as I could, but it was very difficult to maintain my position. It hurt. He asked me several times if I liked it, and seemed disappointed at first when I responded with "No Sir." He moved me to my bed on the floor, and after a short while, had me change positions from my knees to my back. He questioned me on why I didn't like it, and it seemed odd to me. I responded that He was taking my ass, and females aren't intended to enjoy it. After this, He seemed more open to enjoying my pain/lack of enjoyment. This went on for a while. At times, it didn't hurt at all, but this was usually right before it would hurt very badly and I would have to hold my breath to keep silent. He prefers that I don't make a sound. I was not able to remain completely silent, but I feel I did well for my first time under these orders. This went on for a long time. He said He was going to come inside me, and then began to go even harder. I tried to take it, but found myself begging Him to come. When I did this, He stopped, and told me He wouldn't come in me. He took a few more thrusts to watch my face, and then pulled out. He said He wouldn't give me that privilege yet. I expected Him to go to bed at this point. I was upset, somewhat, and confused. I understand that I am His slave, and property. I had simply gained an expectation of something different. I know that He is fully within His rights (even expected and encouraged) to use my body in any way He wishes, at any time He wishes, but somehow I was not prepared mentally for the way He had just used me, and would likely use me again in the future. Instead of going to sleep and leaving me to come to term with this, He laid down beside me and held me. He spoke with me about my concerns, our relationships, and other things of more or less importance. He said that Andrew had told Him and Kyle that neither of them could have sole ownership of me. I didn't completely understand that, but I accept it. He played with me, and showed me how good pain can feel. I didn't understand that before, and I'm very glad He opened my eyes to it. The pain made me want to be completely lepless to Him, strapped down, and put through pain at His discretion. He put His fingers inside me, and said that I've done well so far, but I still have to earn his dick and cum inside me. I wanted to let go, it felt as if I could float away, but He instructed me to keep my eyes on Him, which kept me anchored. He said I have to earn anything other than anal, that one day He'll let me keep His cum inside me, and I'll hold it there for a long time at His instruction. This morning, I was taking care of myself privately, and He came into the room where I was. He made me stand, allow Him access, and wait for Him to finish. I felt so disgusting, and wrong. By the time it was over I was nearly in tears. He allowed me to sit, and then made me look Him in the eyes. He said I should have told Him o that He wasn't forced to interrupt me, but that I wasn't in trouble, and He wasn't upset. I really felt like property, then. It's almost as if there are two sides to the way I belong.
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Melissa was out before that. Mikkal really seems to like her. I forget what she did or anything. I know she helped cook man-salad when she told j she could talk about things other than orders. She was trying to be nice.
I have been out for two days. Well, since they got back from the VA yesterday.
I wonder if He tells the other girl who I am - She seems to shy away from me a lot and I hope she isn't afraid of me. -that I haven't done anything to upset her.
Blink told me to tell Him "Hi" today, and told Melissa to ask Him a Q when she was out.
Emily wonders if I'm in touch with these people more because we stay away from the main house. She says I should know Gin and Danny then, too.
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When done blogging, inform Master in some way, just as sister must leave blog open.
Who ATE the Raisin Bran?!?!
Please enforce all rules and orders
-Even gum please, I like asking my Daddy.
-Seshafi, for Susy
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July 9, 2011 (Emily)
Last night (July 8) was the third night in a row that I've had anal. It's always right after He pops a pain pill, and it's always Seshafi. This last time, there were parts she was able to enjoy. Not a lot, but it's better than hating the whole time and just feeling like she's doing her duty, not understanding how it can feel good. She started hurting again right as she was about to come. It was like a painful pressure building, and it made her anxious because she doesn't understand . So she tried to fight it, and somehow, ass already sore and painful and worn, survived until He finally got off. He was very proud of her for taking it. Lauren explained a lot of things to her the other day. He asked how old she is, and she didn't understand. Lauren said 17 or 18 unless she's projecting - we all saw the way she was holding that stuffed frog, but it hit hard when He asked. It is a possibility that she's younger, but I hadn't even considered it, she is so well-trained, and ready to serve like an adult - she knows how to speak, act, behave, and run a household better than most of us, so I highly doubt she's young. She tried to push out very suddenly in the car, but when I finally tried to let her out, (He wasn't sure He liked me knowing I was leaving) she couldn't stay very well. I've felt so rebellions and ATTITUDY since then. Unsettles. I really wish He'd hurt me. Seshafi would be happy just to be held. I don't just want pain, though. I want an attitude adjustment. I also wanted people to notice and like my earrings. I also didn't want to forget my laptop @ home. I had plans for Jessi that involve time-release blog instructions. I might be able to do it tomorrow.
-He tripped and hit His head today. I found Him outside and it scared the shit out of me. I thought He was hurt BAD BAD BAD. I wanted someone to understand how upset I was and care for me, too. But I'm OK. July 10
Blog is a drawing.
in the car, driving to the vacation.
July 11 (monday)
It's our anniversary today (2 yrs). We went to cherokee, and spent the whole day going through gift shops. It hasn't really felt like our anniversary. He's still not fully back to normal after the head injury. The heat, the hunger, and just random stuff has been triggering personality changes - not anger or anything, but He gets more anxious a lot faster - and it's added a lot of stress, because I never know when it's going to happen - or what He'll do. We spent $15 on a leather vest today, which took us through - and and $7 on relaxing body wash for our anniversary b/c it's been discontinued at the main stores like WalMart and Target. That took us through all of our spending money other than what I had saved for our anniversary dinner. I wanted to buy a few things, and I'm glad I didn't, because I thought we were getting 50% off of we took Destiny (Major's girl) with us - turns out, Nope. So we have $40 including tax to spend on dinner, and then we're broke the entire rest of the week and can't buy anything. I tried to communicate this, but he is determined to take me out to a "nice dinner" for our anniversary. I'd rather go gem mining, or buy a huge jawbreaker for me, Him, and jessi. Or buy sandwich supplies and a bottle of sparkling grape juice like last time. I gave Him a special foot-rub and massage (not sexual) as my present to Him. He's still sleeping. I wanted so much more from our anniversary -No, not money-wise. I wanted more time alone with my Husband - and I wish He was feeling better!It breaks me that He's been sick and in pain this entire vacation/week. Major has been more of an unbearable asshole than ever this whole trip, it's really been pissing me off, because I'm working so hard to stay levelheaded and not get upset over how much pain Master is in that I have no patience for crude humor or rude remarks.
I wish it was like it used to be, when we could hold hands and it was a rush, when we were "that couple" - the passionate teenagers who couldn't keep their hands off each other - when we could make out for hours... I feel like we've moved past those feelings into the deep, passionate, married-for-years kind of love... And there's nothing wrong with that, but I really miss the excitement, and the surprises, and the SEC in spontaneous places!
I want pain - but not just that, I want to work out some anger, too. I want to wrestle, and bite and kick and punch until I'm too tired to move. I want to fight as hard as I can, an lose. And be punished for losing - and humiliated. And I want to lie on the floor and be laughed at and called a stupid, weak, little girl. I want pain - I almost want to cut. My head hurts.
I'd kill for a basket of peaches or chocolate covered strawberries with sparkling grape juice and some nice music and privacy (with my Husband, of course!) and massage oil and candles and hmmm... Maybe some of those little cheese cubes with toothpicks in them. That would be my ideal anniversary date. (insert as of July 28 2011, and a good movie) It would take more effort, that's for sure, but... it would be perfect.
July 12, 2011. Tuesday
After blogging yesterday, life and my mood improved significantly. I went swinging and climbed the huge hill behind the house we're staying in. Major's mom climbed with me, and we took snacks and a blanket, and sat and talked while the sun went down. I felt much better by the time I came back down the hill. It was pretty, and really helped. We played some in bed before going to sleep, and Luke revealed that He he'd found out what sex is. I didn't give it to him, and at first he said I must not love him, but we talked for a while and he was really sweet and caring after.He got in trouble though.
This morning, before we left, Master wanted to climb the hill. He wasn't impressed, and said He's never doing it again. It wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped, He rushed up and back down, too. I just wanted to enjoy the climb. I feel like the stuff from home has followed us on vacation - but I think it might be me that's changed. I keep being irritated w/ matt, but I really think it's my POV and not him acting any different. I hate how he's convinced that he's the only one with a valuable opinion that he always interrupts everyone else and has no respect for anyone else, because no one else matters to him. I hate talking around people, chances are it won't be worth it to me [to wait] to repeat myself until he actually pauses for breath long enough for me to say something.
I'm going to be in trouble now b/c everyone interrupted me and I lost my nerve to actually try an impression - and Master told me to say it... and He quit playing the game we were playing because of it. It's so stupid and now this whole trip is going to suck. I hate this. I feel like SHIT and I know I'm wrong but I can't put myself in that position to get mocked and now I'm now I'm hurting anyway because I couldn't start a 4th fucking time. They all cut me off, 3 fucking times and it takes forever for me to say anything - I feel like it's b/c I'm a submissive and I don't matter. (I don't know if it's true or I'm just imagining it) - I HATE IT.
I'm worthy of listening to, I'm not useless.
I really want to swim. I hope He doesn't take that away from me as a punishment.
I also wish we could stop and pick blue (i meant black) berries on the way/back... they look so good.
I miss my papa.
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I didn't have my noebook on Wed. July 13, 2011
but we went to 6 flags, called jessi @ night, ate out twice ($10ish left) and He got me a dipndots (choc and vanilla) at the mall of GA. We got home at midnight. The weather was miserable @ six flags and He was sick a lot, but the rides were a lot of fun (except Goliath + Mindbender, I got lightheaded on Goliath, and Destiny got sicker there, too - She passed out in the car)
We went swimming on the 12th, He didn't punish me.
The first ride was the best, and it put a huge grin on my face. [I like carowinds way better, though]
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July 14 (Thursday)
Tuesday night (the 12th) we were at the hotel and the rooms were adjoined - major and his parents in one room, and destiny and us in the other. After the light show (BAD idea, loads of flashing lights, LEDs, kids, and cameras) Master felt llike shit and really wanted to go to bed. So, I got Him in bed before destiny came in, and we were about to turn off all the lights and sleep when major came in. He talked about some "important stuff" and then climbed in bed with destiny. We tried to hint to him to leave (we'd been thinking about sex, and asking destiny to leave, but decided against it only because He was hurting) and he said he wanted to snuggle her. OK, Fine, whatever. Turned off the lights, and all we could hear was those those. I put the pillow over my face and cried, and Master held me close. When I was done crying, He told me to get dressed, (of course I forgot my glasses) and we left the room. We talked about them, and why we were upset, and then after they'd had sex in our hotel room, they came to see if everything was OK. I didn't say anything and let Master handle it. He didn't act upset and we went back to the room (d and major stayed out long enough for Him to tell me this) and He told me He'd deal with it after six flags, but until then, to act like nothing had happened. He'd really been looking forward to enjoying six flags w/ major, and the rides, etc and not to spoil it for Him. He called Seshafi and then I went to sleep. They talked last night (13th) about it.
Time to go pack - gtg. I'll blog more on the way home.
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July 15 (friday)
In the car again. We just watched the last Harry Potter movie. It was pretty good. Now we're taking destiny home before major takes us home. he doesn't want to have julie in the car the whole trip t her house and back (1 hr round trip) so we get to go home 2nd. jessi isn't coming home until after work tomorrow, so I still have plenty of time to get laid.
Master says He's going to fuck me all day in the mouth, cunt, and ass - and He's going to come in my ass until the His cum oozes out uncontrollably (and not let me use the bathroom or get rid of His cum until it does). He fucked me last night already.
I wasn't feeling very well, kept feeling nauseous when I stood up -- but then we eased into sex, and the eased into anal- and it was great!It didn't hurt too badly, I didn't freak out or anything. We shared this awesome fantasy punishment for me. For each strike, I have to stay a day in stocks in the basement. Full body stocks, holding my wrists down, my neck down, my hips up, and my legs spread. I'm in the perfect position for anal - the "present your ass" position.
The first day.
He would leave me downstairs in the dungeon in the dark, with nothing to keep me company but the bugs. When He wanted my ass, He would come downstairs and use it, and then leave me there until I was done with my punishment or until He wanted it again.
The second strike would be 2 days in the same position/stocks, but He would feed me this time - a shot of cum every two hours - if He couldn't provide that much cum for 2 days, He would have two girls help Him fill up my servings, and satisfy Him where I couldn't - He said He'd make me learn the difference between the two girls and what they taste like. He said He wouldn't even let me up to use the bathroom, I'd have ot mess myself - He called me a filthy whore. I moaned no, but it made me so wet. I thought about being stuck alone in the basement but still being embarrassed at having to shit myself, and the realization that piss would likely drip down my body to my face.
The third strike would be three days. He wouldn't come downstairs at all, He said. He said He would invite men over to the house to fuck/feed me. He would tell them they could fuck me as long as they shot their load in my mouth. I would be fucked/fed every two hours. Nothing to eat or drink for 3 days except for strangers cum and whatever shit was on their dick from my ass. The same rules about using the bathroom applied. They'd turn the light off when they left. I'd be alone.
He got off just from my voice at the end, talking about this fantasy.
(I wonder if I have to use two collars since He's not wearing His bracelet? -Seshafi)
(Major's mom made Him a tomato sandwich - Master loves them! I'll make Him them now I know.)
Did I mention I gave Him a blowjob in the car on the way back home yesterday? Best road head ever! I actually got Him to come I was so excited. and horny. It felt amazing. Mikkal told me [at the beginning] that if they looked back because I was made noise, He'd stop completely. He fingered me, I sucked Him off, He forced me to gag, but I stayed quiet. He had salt on His fingers from eating sunflower seeds @ one point. We finally stopped when it started to hurt me bad. When He started fingering me, He stretched my hole in a way he'd never done before and I really loved it.
Also, I didn't think and showed Luke my vagina to look at.
Timmy came out - He doesn't like tomato sandwiches!
July 16 (Saturday, 3AM)
So of course we fucked. And, like always, it was AWESOME (Bold AND Italics). We got home @ 5PMish, cleaned up about an hour, and started taking showers at 6PM to go out. I let on that I'd like a new toy, so instead of Scotties, we went to longhorn and priscilla's. We bought a porn, a $1 tub of body butter (I thought it was poweder, picked up the wrong container) and a new toy for me - a jelly one. I haven't had a jelly toy before, it smells like those strawberry shortcake dolls, I (HEART) it. Ate out, tipped our waiter $11 on a $32 meal - $36 on the card, $7 cash... He was awesome, the food was awesome... We left the restaurant happy. Sex! (Did I mention Major is still at our house? They watched The Mechanic and I'll watch it tomorrow. He is watching Saw: The End right now) Master blindfolded me, fucked me (Pussy, then ass) while watching His new porn (Which He says sucks, BTW $10 Waste-o-cash, FTW) and also used my new toy on me - (I cant' wait to have Him shove me face-down on the bed and ream my ass with it, it's a stepped out [I was looking for the word tapered] pattern with graduated increments of getting wider, and would really hurt if He wanted it to, it's not smooth - this turns Him on, too) While I was on my back, blindfolded, hushed, He shoved the toy into my ass and made me hold it (Standing order to use the word "ass" or "asshole" - it turns Him on) while He shoved His cock back into my cunt. He called me a whore and asked if I liked it. "Yes, Sir" Then He made me fuck myself with the toy while he was inside me. He had to pull out, He almost shot His load inside me, He liked the feel of the toy in my ass on His dick so much. (I'll bet major would like to have a capitalization rule about his dick for destiny) That's tge first time since our promise that He hasn't come inside me. I don't mind. We decided that if He comes while getting it up the ass that it doesn't count anyway, b/c there's no opportunity for me to catch while strapped on.
We talked about some important stuff tonight. (I'm supposed to be sleeping but I'm awake now. No Saw: The End for me, I'm in a good submissive zone ATM.) For some reason, I woke up right after major went to bed, just as He was getting off (haha) the phone with jessi. He massaged my feet and legs while we talked (AMAZING). He is worried about keeping up with my sex drive and wants to ask the doctor if His testosterone is low, etc. He doesn't want sex pills, just something to increase interest. He expressed frustration with my desire for bondage (Mostly B in BDSM) as foreplay since He doesn't connect the two very well, but also desire, (Yippee!) to do more with me sadistically. He wants me to write realistic, doable fantasies, basically with an ingredient chart and time estimated for preperation - so He can pick one and have me "Make it for dinner" so to speak. He says He'd really like me to be in bondage (I hate Saw. Just heard glass break on tv) when He gets home from work at night. I pointed out the issue w/ me in bondage alone at home, so He said He'll set a five-minute timer (metal noise) from the time He steps through the door (metal Saw noise) - As an incentive to His sadistic side, if I'm not in position when He steps into the room, He'll be able to whip/cane/etc me for failing my timeline - until He comes into whatever room I've set up for Him. We're going to work on some scenarios tomorrow. I wish I'd known that hurting me is SUCH a turn-on for Him, we'll have to give Him MANY more excuses/opportunities to do that!
I wish He'd actually punish (inflict pain) me for the little stuff He pretends to get onto me about. The gum, making the bed... I always play-sorry and hope He'll throw me to the ground (or say "Five") and "Teach me a lesson" in obedience. I'm going to hate myself for this, but bent over the bed and caned for not being "perfect" would be a huge turn-on even if I'd done it right . We'd have to have a way of knowing when it was play VS punishment thought. I guess real punishment gets a mark usually, or He'd say "I'm serious, this is something I want you to work on" before continuing a punishment. (July 16, 2011 4AM I told Him the wrong date)
A rope tied between the legs of the coffee table with a clip in between could be useful if I was wearing my cuffs. Just turn the table standing, clip onto both cuffs, put me on my knees, arms up, and either cane me or leave me there - lectures are a good form of punishment while in hush (And I know Master can fabricate a lecture if need be).
Randomly bent over and "lube-checked" could be fun. If at any given time, He calls submit and can't get what He intends (finger, toy, cock) up my ass b/c I'm "not lubed enough" He gets to cane me X times. Theory is I should always be ready to serve, even by keeping my ass lubed for His pleasure.
The strip test. Ease of access for my Master is key. He calls strip and I have X seconds to be naked. If I fail, consequence. 2 ways: naked or just undressed enough for sex - ie boots can stay on, pants must be down, topless. To make it harder, clothes must be neatly folded to specs.
He liked the idea of making me drink large amounts of coffee.
He wants to be able to come on my face.
Play ideas for a sadist =)
Caning/Whips/Paddles
Coffee, cold or black
bathroom deprivation
clit torture
cunt punches (may require bondage)
getting off to other women at my expense
holding cum in my mouth
Humiliation:
"you talk too much, bitch - go get me your gag. hush until tomorrow morning"
Made to crawl all day to "learn to mop"
tongue humbler
lipstick message of shame on forehead
made to wear heels all day (idk why)
made to "practice blowjobs" on toys with criticism
Keep X in your cunt all day "so you think of Me, slut"
forced to wear a plug X hours
knife play
come until painful! =) (forced orgasms)
Role-Play scenes? I'd love to put together a "set" to play in.
-rape/burglar
-military/boot camp
-school girl
-music lessons gone bad (I "forgot" how to play guitar)
(1:58 PM)
You are My beautiful and most adored wife. I love you more now than I have ever loved anything or anyone in My entire life. Smile when you get this and know I am thinking of you. My love to you.
Thank You, Sir. I was letting the day get to me already, and I really needed this. You don't know how much this means to me.
Jessi is doing the dishes, and I've got the living room. I'm also trying to get some laundry through the system so You'll have clean socks and boxers and everything.
I'd love it if You blogged, Sir.
I miss reading what You have to say, and it would be interesting to hear about last night from Your perspective.
You are My beautiful and most adored wife. I love you more now than I have ever loved anything or anyone in My entire life. Smile when you get this and know I am thinking of you. My love to you.
Thank You, Sir. I was letting the day get to me already, and I really needed this. You don't know how much this means to me.
Jessi is doing the dishes, and I've got the living room. I'm also trying to get some laundry through the system so You'll have clean socks and boxers and everything.
I'd love it if You blogged, Sir.
I miss reading what You have to say, and it would be interesting to hear about last night from Your perspective.
today to do.
Wash dishes
book review on good housekeeping etiquette guide.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
To Mikkal - Seshafi
I love Your strong hands.
I feel better... If He wants me to switch, I'm not afraid to, now.
seshafi
He asked if I need a "Master" and I don't know "As opposed to what?" This whole I'm your husband and going to be soft shit confuses me. When He grabbed my arm and put me back down when I started to leave (I was upset and tried to excuse myself) I felt more in place and comfortable. I hope that He doesn't go back to the way it was before.
I feel better... If He wants me to switch, I'm not afraid to, now.
seshafi
He asked if I need a "Master" and I don't know "As opposed to what?" This whole I'm your husband and going to be soft shit confuses me. When He grabbed my arm and put me back down when I started to leave (I was upset and tried to excuse myself) I felt more in place and comfortable. I hope that He doesn't go back to the way it was before.
headache, mood swings. permission not to blog yesterday.
I keep waiting for Him to come search for me, but it is not His job, and every time He gets up from His seat I cringe and hope He's not coming in here, and then when He doesn't, I feel sad because I miss Him.
I know He will not be upset with me or He would have called me to Him by now, but if I'd done this... I would be punished. I don't understand and I feel so hopeless from all of this.
I am angry, but sad, but I miss Him, but I am afraid.
and I know I cannot switch until I know what to expect, or I will not come back.
I keep waiting for Him to come search for me, but it is not His job, and every time He gets up from His seat I cringe and hope He's not coming in here, and then when He doesn't, I feel sad because I miss Him.
I know He will not be upset with me or He would have called me to Him by now, but if I'd done this... I would be punished. I don't understand and I feel so hopeless from all of this.
I am angry, but sad, but I miss Him, but I am afraid.
and I know I cannot switch until I know what to expect, or I will not come back.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Hectic Life Stuff
So the dogs are barking nonstop and won't STFU at all. I think I'm going to kill them soon. Jessi is napping, IDK how she can sleep with them barking, but if I could I would. Just worried I'll stay asleep and not have things ready for Him when He gets home.
I'm so hungry, have been hungry and eating all day on stupid shit.
spent over an hour sending out stupid messages today to my friends list since it's like 5 times longer than jessi's.
I organized my writing, but didn't actually work on any of it.
I'm starting to think that to edit it, I'll have to handwrite it and then retype it, but the thing is so damn long I don't know how long that would take. I'd love to have some sort of rule or standing order about my writing to help me push myself into writing this, but I'm very scared to ask for that. I have a few short ideas for where to go next with the story, but not anything that would even cover a whole chapter. Maybe a set amount of words I have to have done per day, or a set amount of time to work on it per day.. or .. IDK. but I need help, because I haven't been able to force myself to work on it on my own, and the past few days have been perfect conditions to sit back and enjoy working on it. I'd eventually like to be able to tell my mother that I'm doing something productive with my life, instead of her thinking I'm sitting around the house doing nothing but wiping the dust off the coffee table as it settles.
Also, I need a shower before He gets home. I'm not sure it will make a difference to Him, I'm probably going to bed as soon as He gets home, but.. I need one, so general maintenance it is.
Oh, I told Jessi that the paper horse craft has to be done before she leaves for asheville, and that it takes several hours of work to get it done.
I plan on trying to have something nice for Him when He gets home. I don't know what I'll do about food (He's been eating sandwiches at work and at home lately and it's terrible!) and we can't get groceries until Friday. He works Friday. I wish He could have the day off soon after a payday and we could go shopping for once as a family! I hate doing half-ass grocery trips because we're tired or in a hurry.
I'd also like to work on my painting, but even if I do that, it lacks a sense of accomplishment. It's just crappy fetish art.
GRR I'm so stupid depressing today! I don't even want to listen to myself, ptooey! Maybe if I switch I'll feel better.
I read something from a while back about Melissa and Gin that made me smile and made me sad... I miss them, and it's almost like they're not the same people who wrote the story I read... And I'm kind of worried about even trying to pull them.
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ps nova took me off her friends list and left KC.
I'd thought we were friends. I really wanted to meet her.
I sent her a message that said this. It shouldn't upset me as much as it did, since I never really even met her.
Today is just a bad day.
Tomorrow will be better.
Or else.
I'm so hungry, have been hungry and eating all day on stupid shit.
spent over an hour sending out stupid messages today to my friends list since it's like 5 times longer than jessi's.
I organized my writing, but didn't actually work on any of it.
I'm starting to think that to edit it, I'll have to handwrite it and then retype it, but the thing is so damn long I don't know how long that would take. I'd love to have some sort of rule or standing order about my writing to help me push myself into writing this, but I'm very scared to ask for that. I have a few short ideas for where to go next with the story, but not anything that would even cover a whole chapter. Maybe a set amount of words I have to have done per day, or a set amount of time to work on it per day.. or .. IDK. but I need help, because I haven't been able to force myself to work on it on my own, and the past few days have been perfect conditions to sit back and enjoy working on it. I'd eventually like to be able to tell my mother that I'm doing something productive with my life, instead of her thinking I'm sitting around the house doing nothing but wiping the dust off the coffee table as it settles.
Also, I need a shower before He gets home. I'm not sure it will make a difference to Him, I'm probably going to bed as soon as He gets home, but.. I need one, so general maintenance it is.
Oh, I told Jessi that the paper horse craft has to be done before she leaves for asheville, and that it takes several hours of work to get it done.
I plan on trying to have something nice for Him when He gets home. I don't know what I'll do about food (He's been eating sandwiches at work and at home lately and it's terrible!) and we can't get groceries until Friday. He works Friday. I wish He could have the day off soon after a payday and we could go shopping for once as a family! I hate doing half-ass grocery trips because we're tired or in a hurry.
I'd also like to work on my painting, but even if I do that, it lacks a sense of accomplishment. It's just crappy fetish art.
GRR I'm so stupid depressing today! I don't even want to listen to myself, ptooey! Maybe if I switch I'll feel better.
I read something from a while back about Melissa and Gin that made me smile and made me sad... I miss them, and it's almost like they're not the same people who wrote the story I read... And I'm kind of worried about even trying to pull them.
-------
ps nova took me off her friends list and left KC.
I'd thought we were friends. I really wanted to meet her.
I sent her a message that said this. It shouldn't upset me as much as it did, since I never really even met her.
Today is just a bad day.
Tomorrow will be better.
Or else.
mistakes
I forgot to make His lunch today.
I forgot to turn off the oven until 2 PM.
I forgot to do dishes yesterday - well I didn't forget, I just didn't do them.
He doesn't feel well, and just wants to sit and play video games when He gets home. I don't think He's felt good for a week. It's a bit frustrating. I know work sucks, but I'd love for Him to come home and feel good, or have had a good day, or be in a good mood without having to fake it. I don't want this for me... I want Him to genuinely feel better.... and blog!
jessi's new blog is eotardle.blogspot.com but I think you have to be logged in to see it.
Really wish He'd be stricter on my rules.... I know He's been playing more in that general direction, but... I dunno.
Time to write -my- emails to the group, the calendar and the "hey, friend jessi" note.
I forgot to turn off the oven until 2 PM.
I forgot to do dishes yesterday - well I didn't forget, I just didn't do them.
He doesn't feel well, and just wants to sit and play video games when He gets home. I don't think He's felt good for a week. It's a bit frustrating. I know work sucks, but I'd love for Him to come home and feel good, or have had a good day, or be in a good mood without having to fake it. I don't want this for me... I want Him to genuinely feel better.... and blog!
jessi's new blog is eotardle.blogspot.com but I think you have to be logged in to see it.
Really wish He'd be stricter on my rules.... I know He's been playing more in that general direction, but... I dunno.
Time to write -my- emails to the group, the calendar and the "hey, friend jessi" note.
Family talk
um, jessi is going to be a group leader so she can talk to lots of people, which mean I won't have to do it! yay! This month I have to help out and stuff, but it will all be on her next month, so I'm really just showing her the ropes til she gets a good hang of it.
He says if we get the basement ready for a scene and have everything laid out, and one of us tied to be beat, He'll be more inclined to scene with us. I said that I had doubts, and He just said that I'm wrong.
It's not going to happen.
I'm not going to talk about that anymore, it's just not going to happen is all.
He says if we get the basement ready for a scene and have everything laid out, and one of us tied to be beat, He'll be more inclined to scene with us. I said that I had doubts, and He just said that I'm wrong.
It's not going to happen.
I'm not going to talk about that anymore, it's just not going to happen is all.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Message on fetlife and possible interest!
would there be any interest in making Damsels In Distress in B&W 1950's style movies
i happen to have bought at auction vintage tv studio equip dated 1945 to 1960 or so and have considered making b&w style clips or short films. recorded on tape video or maybe cd's ,, so far this is just a ideal
so i welcome any input from you all . thanks
I sent him a reply, but it sounds like something the whole group might be interested in, and I'll bet You'd love to do some type of film with this!
Alright, let me know.
i happen to have bought at auction vintage tv studio equip dated 1945 to 1960 or so and have considered making b&w style clips or short films. recorded on tape video or maybe cd's ,, so far this is just a ideal
so i welcome any input from you all . thanks
I sent him a reply, but it sounds like something the whole group might be interested in, and I'll bet You'd love to do some type of film with this!
Alright, let me know.
jumble o pills
Master had His second interview yesterday, and they'll call and let Him know if He gets the job when they're done with the rest of the interviews. It seemed pretty positive to me, though. Until we know for sure, He is of course still going to work at His current job.
Also yesterday, I was given 3 ibuprofin and 4 tylenol plus a doubleshot (I thought it was a regular shot and tried to down it and choked and gagged but still swallowed it all) and another shot (so 3 shots) of vodka. I was so out of it. At least, I felt out of it. I hadn't eaten breakfast, and I was in a lot of pain from being on my period.
but it worked!! It made the pain go away, and then Master instructed me on how much time to give to take more pills and what to take to keep the pain away. He let me sleep after we ate (yummy, 2 mcchickens!) and we grocery shopped and got milk, cereal and stuff for His lunch I think. also strawberries and some candy and chocolate, but most of the candy is for the party as favors.
we got a crop as a gift from lass and m at arms. I'm so happy, I missed my crop, it's been broken for a while.
oh yeah. He got sent home from work because He "looked sick" and also scared the hell out of us and dragged me out of bed half drunk into the basement in the worst rainstorm ever because He said something about hearing a tornado. scared the shit out of me. I wanted to go back to bed, but I never made it there, lol.
And a few hours later Vicki fucked Him in the ass with my new toy! :) Not many details, just wanted to make sure it gets listed.
and blink was out. she laughed when He talked and signed to her at the same time. He made me try a roast beef sandwish. It was soggy, sticky grossness with a small yummy taste of roast beef.
And Seshafi has been out a bit since last night, and she said she felt young last night. He really likes her "sensual kisses" ..idk.
my back doesn't hurt this morning! woohoo maybe I'm over the pain!
Going to take a short nap before starting the work. and then I want to work on my writing or maybe my painting.
may have jessi read bishu if she's interested.
Also yesterday, I was given 3 ibuprofin and 4 tylenol plus a doubleshot (I thought it was a regular shot and tried to down it and choked and gagged but still swallowed it all) and another shot (so 3 shots) of vodka. I was so out of it. At least, I felt out of it. I hadn't eaten breakfast, and I was in a lot of pain from being on my period.
but it worked!! It made the pain go away, and then Master instructed me on how much time to give to take more pills and what to take to keep the pain away. He let me sleep after we ate (yummy, 2 mcchickens!) and we grocery shopped and got milk, cereal and stuff for His lunch I think. also strawberries and some candy and chocolate, but most of the candy is for the party as favors.
we got a crop as a gift from lass and m at arms. I'm so happy, I missed my crop, it's been broken for a while.
oh yeah. He got sent home from work because He "looked sick" and also scared the hell out of us and dragged me out of bed half drunk into the basement in the worst rainstorm ever because He said something about hearing a tornado. scared the shit out of me. I wanted to go back to bed, but I never made it there, lol.
AND we had sex. we role-played after jessi left for work (so we wouldn't bother her by me screaming I guess) and I was a kidnap victim and He was torturing me... it wasn't very descriptive, we really just stepped into the roles and enjoyed ourselves. We had sex, but like I specified before we started, it wasn't about the sex, He wanted to hurt me, and sex was just another way for Him to do that. So we started playing. Everything hurt, but it was in a good way. Usually when I'm on my period, the first time we have sex hurts because it feels like everything inside is swollen and tender, but this time it felt really really good, just felt like He was having a lot easier time reaching my back wall than normal. So then He starts pressuring me to pick where He could come, my ass, my mouth or my cunt. I couldn't choose and started begging and He said He would pick if I didn't. I begged for Him to let me go. He said He would let me go after He had come in my ass. I tried to let Him put His dick in my ass, and it hurt so bad and I freaked out and begged and almost started crying, and I caught myself and He pulled me close and I said I was sorry, and we stopped role-playing long enough to get His cock into my ass, and then I let myself get back into it, and we started playing again. He said He was going to cum in my ass and then He'd be through with me. He fucked me for a really long time, and kept stopping and degrading me, and hurting me and making me change positions, and keep my head down, and pulling my hair, and He wouldn't come, but I kept begging Him to. He pushed a glass toy up my ass and made me call myself a whore while holding it there. He also hit my hand over and over and made me fuck myself with it. It was awesome. Then He dragged me to the bathroom (I love having the bathroom counter clean, btw, it's like the best thing in the world) and bent me over the counter and made me look at myself getting fucked in the mirror. He made me call myself a whore again, while watching myself. He fucked me in this position for a good 15 minutes, and after the first five, my character started to enjoy it, and moaned and everything. I even leaned back onto Him to help Him get deeper. When He realized I was enjoying it (and He made me say out loud that I did, one hand in my hair to make sure I saw myself be a filthy whore and betray my own feelings) He reached around and started playing with my clit. It felt good and hurt a little, but mostly felt good. I thanked Him for playing with it, and got fucked harder in return. After He was through with me (He never did come, and He did it on purpose because He said when He got off He'd have to let me go, and He didn't want that!) He threw me into the shower (it was warm, thank You Sir!) and made me kneel at the back of the shower and hold my hair up above my head. And He pissed (and pissed and pissed for a really long time... like 2 or 3 minutes, I swear) on me. On my chest, and naked body and legs, but not on my face (Again, thank You Sir) and it was the perfect ending to being treated the way I had been. I mean, He wasn't especially degrading more than He normally does during play, but somehow the character He was portraying seemed the type to try to break down a girl this way. I was so happy and giggly afterward! We both really enjoyed it and I hope (fingers crossed) that we'll do more role-play fun stuff-ish-ness in the future!
PS
cum + cherry body stuff = really really gross,
so only rub it on the dick before they start precumming.
And Seshafi has been out a bit since last night, and she said she felt young last night. He really likes her "sensual kisses" ..idk.
my back doesn't hurt this morning! woohoo maybe I'm over the pain!
Going to take a short nap before starting the work. and then I want to work on my writing or maybe my painting.
may have jessi read bishu if she's interested.
To Do Today, but not much :)
Jessi:
Kitchen floor
Kitchen counters
Gather but do not wash dishes
pick up living room area
Me
Dishes
laundry
mop hallway and living room floor
put away clothes
Together
fold laundry
Kitchen floor
Kitchen counters
Gather but do not wash dishes
pick up living room area
Me
Dishes
laundry
mop hallway and living room floor
put away clothes
Together
fold laundry
Friday, July 22, 2011
Party tonight
Master worked it out so that i can go to the role play educational part of the event tonight before the after-party. I almost regret that, I won't have Jessi there- or Him, and so I'll be tagging along with major, and maybe destiny. (we still don't know if she can go yet or not) Master gave me pain this morning, and I feel a lot better, but still want more. Pain pills are working intermittently at best, I keep getting a headache and stuff like that. It's about time for more. He beat me while in Position Five and Position One... It started off as me being upset with Him... I was angry because He said I always stand around and plan... it's not like I want to make the list of what all has to be done every time, I only do it because I have to, and ... UGH. but it felt like He was calling em lazy, so I walked off, and that's how I ended up in Five. and He turned it from an argument into giving me pain. I actually forgot until now that I was even upset... so it was really nice and helped a lot. I keep remembering that He beat the crap out of my left boob, and want to check, but it's always at the wrong time, and then I forget again.
I randomly started crying at major's- i don't think he realized.. I just got up and left the room for a few minutes until the mood swing (i guess it had to be a mood swing, I wasn't actually upset over anything, I just felt overwhelmingly sad and teary eyed) went away, wiped my eyes, and went back to looking at crappy porn with major. he wanted to show me this video of a chick with an asshole so big they used her as a hole for a gme of putt-putt golf. he never found it, I was kind of relieved.
^
Damn, I misspelled "Game" ... awwww fuck.
So... not being playful is now the norm, I guess.
still want pain. probably will until I'm off my period, because my head hurts, I'm cramping, my back hurts, and my calves are still occasionally twinging in pain. FML especially when nothing helps.
On the bright side, Master had an interview this morning for a job a LOT closer to our house, and they want Him tomorrow for a second interview. I hope He gets the job.
time to go kick back a few more tylenol.
I randomly started crying at major's- i don't think he realized.. I just got up and left the room for a few minutes until the mood swing (i guess it had to be a mood swing, I wasn't actually upset over anything, I just felt overwhelmingly sad and teary eyed) went away, wiped my eyes, and went back to looking at crappy porn with major. he wanted to show me this video of a chick with an asshole so big they used her as a hole for a gme of putt-putt golf. he never found it, I was kind of relieved.
^
Damn, I misspelled "Game" ... awwww fuck.
So... not being playful is now the norm, I guess.
still want pain. probably will until I'm off my period, because my head hurts, I'm cramping, my back hurts, and my calves are still occasionally twinging in pain. FML especially when nothing helps.
On the bright side, Master had an interview this morning for a job a LOT closer to our house, and they want Him tomorrow for a second interview. I hope He gets the job.
time to go kick back a few more tylenol.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
To Done List
Sir:
Wash boot
Please please please take duct tape off posters downstairs... -bugs-
Emily :
basement:
once over : Conclusion? Add spray for bugs to list.
Spray for bugs
Bring blankets upstairs
Posters
Trash cans
2 tan blankets - wax table/rest area.
Blanket in The Box
Living Room
Pick up
Books
Desk
Sweep
Mop
Formal Living Room
Sweep
Mop
Pick Up
Bathroom
Put Away
Wipe down
Toilet
Sweep/Mop
Mirror/walls
Other
Scene Music Playlist
Bathe Dogs
Outfit
Laundry - BLANKETS -1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Light-bulb
Paperwork - enough forms? Moneybox
Make bed
lunch
Shower, Nails, make-up
Wash Vibrators
Ride to ECLB
6:30 Pain Pills (hurting already)
10:30 pain pills (8PM and my back and head are hurting)
Dungeon buy list
Buy dungeon groceries
Sweep hallway
mop hallway
Set-up vending area for Lass
KC dungeon wishlist
Pack overnight bag
read Asked husband to rape me - he said no. now what?
Daily pic talk
Make daily list for jessi to check off and turn in : water, blog, food blog, bedtime, dogs fed, etc.
Wash boot
Please please please take duct tape off posters downstairs... -bugs-
Jessi:
Kitchen -Dishes, clean out fridge,mop (thoroughly), sweep (thoroughly), wipe counters, general kitchen cleaningLast minute dishes, hang up "event hand-towel"Finish/restart couch cleaning. Wipe down (thoroughly), clean cushions,dry and put covers back on cushions. Put cushions in FLR, do not leave where dogs can get on them.Add "Keep protocol notebook in same room as current task" to inside front cover of P notebook.Find Party paperwork, put on desk.- Friday AM: Trash to dump
(So clean out your car tonight) - Gather ALL trash before bed and place outside by large trash can. Replace bags. Put all trash into trash cans that you can find before emptying trash cans. (Ex
. bottles off carport, trash out of cars, random things in house that need to be thrown away.)(Trash Living room) Outfit for party- get Master approval at or before inspection time.- Carport
- Cleaning andparty set-up Basement stairslunchTake mini-fridge downstairs plug into an outlet that works -near cooldown area-Sweep basement (Thoroughly)Fold Laundry in FLR - ask for hangers if needed -take notes on hanging things up and where clothes go (when done folding) put notes in protocol notebook.
Emily :
basement:
Posters
2 tan blankets - wax table/rest area.
Living Room
Desk
Formal Living Room
Sweep
Mop
Pick Up
Bathroom
Toilet
Sweep/Mop
Other
Bathe Dogs
Outfit
Laundry - BLANKETS -
Shower, Nails, make-up
10:30 pain pills (8PM and my back and head are hurting)
Buy dungeon groceries
Set-up vending area for Lass
KC dungeon wishlist
Pack overnight bag
read Asked husband to rape me - he said no. now what?
Daily pic talk
Make daily list for jessi to check off and turn in : water, blog, food blog, bedtime, dogs fed, etc.
need to buy for party
reg size trash bags
water bottles
food/snacks (Ideas: mini cupcakes, chips, pretzels, some [NON-MESSY) fruit [if cheap])
paper plates
napkins
Toilet Paper
Maybes:
2 Liter Drinks
Cups
plastic silverware
water bottles
food/snacks (Ideas: mini cupcakes, chips, pretzels, some [NON-MESSY) fruit [if cheap])
paper plates
napkins
Toilet Paper
Maybes:
2 Liter Drinks
Cups
plastic silverware
Mistakes
I forgot to put on my collar before leaving the house.
I forgot to make His bed before leaving the house.
I almost made Him late for work because I did not do what was assigned me in a timely manner.
I didn't take any pain medication until after 2:30. I found some in my purse on the way home.
He says He's going to find something to punish me for tonight- I've been mouthy, I know, and also.. I really need pain... different pain. I hurt really bad from my period right now, even with the meds.
I forgot to make His bed before leaving the house.
I almost made Him late for work because I did not do what was assigned me in a timely manner.
I didn't take any pain medication until after 2:30. I found some in my purse on the way home.
He says He's going to find something to punish me for tonight- I've been mouthy, I know, and also.. I really need pain... different pain. I hurt really bad from my period right now, even with the meds.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
blah
So.. I started my period today, and it makes me wonder if that was the only reason I had so many orgasms. I kept saying that the reason I was able to squirt so much last time was because I'd been keeping myself hydrated, but then I started my period right after that, too. So I'm... concerned that I'm only having good sex because it's right before my period. Master says that's not it... but I'm worried about it. I worry about everything though, lately. Maybe it's the mood swings.
To Do before KC/ECLB Party
Sir:
Change Lightbulb in hallway
Wash Vibrator
Wash boot
Money from Ginger
Everybody Else:
Floors
Dishes
Laundry - gather! and wash and fold and shit
wash blankets in closet, do not put back in closet
get blanket/s out of The Box
wipe out blanket closet-try to get rid of smell
Get Ginger's Phone number for Master
Bathe Dogs-they stinky
Once-Over:
Living Room
Pick up
Formal Living Room
Put away laundry
Kitchen
pick up
Bathroom
wipe down everything
Hallway
Basement
Bedrooms
To Buy for Party:
Large-Size trash bags
cupcakes
2-liter drinks
chips/Doritos
TAMPONS
summerseve.com - Hail to the V -> insert commercial here.
PS I started my period while at the VA today, I'm in pain, and grumpy.
Change Lightbulb in hallway
Wash Vibrator
Wash boot
Money from Ginger
Everybody Else:
Floors
Dishes
Laundry - gather! and wash and fold and shit
wash blankets in closet, do not put back in closet
get blanket/s out of The Box
wipe out blanket closet-try to get rid of smell
Bathe Dogs-they stinky
Once-Over:
Living Room
Pick up
Formal Living Room
Put away laundry
Kitchen
pick up
Bathroom
wipe down everything
Hallway
Basement
Bedrooms
To Buy for Party:
Large-Size trash bags
cupcakes
2-liter drinks
chips/Doritos
TAMPONS
summerseve.com - Hail to the V -> insert commercial here.
PS I started my period while at the VA today, I'm in pain, and grumpy.
to the VA!
So we have to go back for a check-up tomorrow, and I'm so tired an having a little trouble remembering what we need to do before we go. Jessi will be at home with the pets, so it's mostly just what we need for the trip that I have to worry about.
To Do:
Budget and figure out what we can spend to get there/get back. (Need Master to check His income e-mail and let me know what's going on with the money, as we were missing more than we should be last time we checked the account)
Take medical papers that need to be signed - it may not have to be a medical doctor to sign it, maybe just someone who can look at the records and sign it?
Pack food, drinks, phone, charger, credit card.
Leave early enough to stop for gas on the way out.
take a notebook with the directions.
-------------
Also, we went to my parents today even though He didn't go to work (seizure). He and I made pizza for everyone (it took like 2-3 hours to finish them all, we made the crust) and then just as I was finishing the last pizza, Amanda showed up. Master said we needed to leave, and so I got everything ready and we left. Mom asked me to stay and I told her I couldn't. She said she didn't want anyone to feel like they were being rushed out, and I told her I wasn't, I had spent time with Dad... and wouldn't be missing anything. Like Master said, it wasn't my choice anyway, even though I'm glad we left. I wouldn't have been able to handle it, I almost started crying when she showed up anyway. The turtle came home with us. blah. We had to go to petsmart, and I had to wait in the car with the turtle at gamestop. I wish I could just go to bed, I'm so tired, but there's so much to be done, and I'm going to be doing it alone- he's busy, playingFable II , and it really wouldn't be fair to ask Him to put it away.
To Do:
Budget and figure out what we can spend to get there/get back. (Need Master to check His income e-mail and let me know what's going on with the money, as we were missing more than we should be last time we checked the account)
Take medical papers that need to be signed - it may not have to be a medical doctor to sign it, maybe just someone who can look at the records and sign it?
Pack food, drinks, phone, charger, credit card.
Leave early enough to stop for gas on the way out.
take a notebook with the directions.
-------------
Also, we went to my parents today even though He didn't go to work (seizure). He and I made pizza for everyone (it took like 2-3 hours to finish them all, we made the crust) and then just as I was finishing the last pizza, Amanda showed up. Master said we needed to leave, and so I got everything ready and we left. Mom asked me to stay and I told her I couldn't. She said she didn't want anyone to feel like they were being rushed out, and I told her I wasn't, I had spent time with Dad... and wouldn't be missing anything. Like Master said, it wasn't my choice anyway, even though I'm glad we left. I wouldn't have been able to handle it, I almost started crying when she showed up anyway. The turtle came home with us. blah. We had to go to petsmart, and I had to wait in the car with the turtle at gamestop. I wish I could just go to bed, I'm so tired, but there's so much to be done, and I'm going to be doing it alone- he's busy, playing
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