August 27 Sunday 11 PM (I actually made this entry at least 24 hours after this time, but I saved this entry into my app at 11PM so I didn't lose my journaling streak)
We had sex twice.
I fucked up in between those two times.
He “punished” me with anal. It was amazing. I was wearing a white thong. I pulled my pants down “to read the link he sent about Vhaeraun” and then he used a toy on me while I was reading, telling me I had to finish reading it. As I finished the entry, he was just finishing foreplay. We moved to my bed, and it was really good but it hurt too, and he got off from how much pain I was in. After, he told me that, and I felt my whole body turn on all over again. And then he went down on me. It was completely mind-melting
Then I fucked up.
We had an argument and I crossed a line. I thought he was going to leave. I had already sat on the floor, to show I was sorry, to show I wasn’t aggressive any longer, to show I knew I had fucked up and was completely at fault and accepted the consequences.
He left the room and I just collapsed the rest of the way, face on the floor sobbing. He ran back into the room and scooped me into his arms and took care of me and told me he loved me and he was never going to leave me and I didn’t have to guess…
I hate myself. I know he doesn’t want me to feel like a bad person, but it would have been better if I had-.. better to hurt myself than to hurt him. This is so much worse.
I want to promise it won’t ever happen again. But I thought it wouldn’t happen. I thought I am able to control myself and my emotions enough… and I felt like a fucking 2 year old with no ability to put my emotions into words or anything tangible other than violence. I. Fucked. Up.
And he’s comforting me and reassuring me and telling me it’s going to be ok.
And I’m in my head trying to figure out how to act, what to do now, how do I make sure this doesn’t happen again, how do I rewrite whatever part of my person the exists where that was even an option for a second, how do I CHANGE… and what do I say? He keeps telling me it’s ok. He wants me to stop crying. But if I turn it off. If I force it away, won’t I hurt him more, by being too callous, by not having feelings? He’s upset, he wants space, but he also wants me around. I don’t know what to do. I don’t fit here.
I want to hurt myself.
I hurt him, I don’t get to be the one who gets the bandaid.
I won’t cause him more pain from this. I have to be good.
He initiated sex again.
It was amazing. I was really hesitant and had issues because he wanted anal, but he was ok with vaginal, and he went down on me, and fingered me, and got me off over and over. And then I begged him to fuck me, and he did and that was amazing too.
I can’t even begin to describe how good it felt. And it just felt good. There wasn’t a story in my head or a plot or anything to distract me or make me able to “get into” the sex. And I didn’t need it.
It was Just That Good.
I was able to just roll over and fall asleep.
I don’t know why he did it, or feel like I deserved it- but it was amazing.
I love him, and he makes me feel loved.
Posted 8/30/2023
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