R Physical Th Appointment 2 pm

August 4 10 am Friday 

R has a doctors appointment today at 2 pm. He fell asleep in his chair last night, I got him into bed at 7:30 this morning. 

Two days ago I drew stripes on my arm with permanent marker. I immediately regretted it. We were fighting and he asked me a question and when I started to answer he walked away and went into his room. 

I was furious and angry and just grabbed the sharpie. 11 stripes. And then I threw it and yelled. And then went straight to my room- as soon as I looked down and saw my arm I knew I’d fucked up. I wanted to hide it, to get rid of it. I didn’t want him to see. 

It felt like showing him would be “look what you made me do” vibes. And it’s my responsibility. It wasn’t his fault. Yes he made me angry. But just ANGRY. I control myself. I did it. 

I washed the marker off and saw there were still red lines, and they were still visible when I went to bed. 

He came and checked on me in the shower. 

I felt so lost, because I did it, it was BAD, and then I “hid” it because I didn’t want to tell him. I was afraid, not of him, but of hurting him. I knew he would be angry (he wasn’t, or at least he didn’t react in anger) but I wasn’t afraid of him or what he would do. I was ashamed. 

And I didn’t know what the “right” choice was in that situation. 

I guess I wanted to “fix it” before I told him.  But I felt like I made two mistakes- doing it and then hiding it. 

I told him almost immediately when he came to check on me. I was sobbing the whole time. Before this, I felt like “ok, I can handle this new med, because no matter how I FEEL, I will control myself and my actions” so in my mind, yes the emotions and desire for pain are awful and the SUCK, but I felt like I could push through it. 

But seeing the black sharpie and later the red lines on my arm - well I’m not as in control of myself as I thought I was. I’m not as… strong? As I thought I was? 

I don’t know why I want this medication to work out so much. But I keep hoping the thoughts and feelings will pass. Also I guess I’m not SURE it’s just the meds, because R and I were fighting like crazy (at night) before I started the med. So I feel like some of it is the medication enhancing the (already strong) emotions that were already there. 

So I feel like I’m not really giving it a chance to work? 

But I’m afraid … 

I need new safeguards. I need to interrupt the feelings and actions. I need to make sure I don’t have easy access to certain things. As in, make it 5 steps harder to be stupid. 

I don’t plan to do the thing. It’s impulsive. So making it take longer is usually enough.

Posted 8/30/2023