August 28 10:30 AM
We fought again today, we brought up the argument and our reasons for everything, and ended up yelling at each other all over.
And I did a thing and he sort of understood one of my points but honestly I did so many fucked up things yesterday… I was ranting about him out loud after leaving the room. I have caught myself doing that more than I want to admit lately. And it helps me blow off steam but it’s not ok. And he overheard me, which is why it’s not ok. If I’m going to say it and if I think it then I should say it to him, not to empty air. And if I don’t really think it, then I shouldn’t say it.
He didn’t deserve any of the things that happened.
At first I was just impatient and frustrated and hot and hungry.
And then it twisted and escalated to real Big Fucking Problems that I have to deal with. That we both have to deal with.
He isn’t ok.
I need to be patient and careful. Not just for a little while.
I want to do better. I want to be less controlling in general, figure out how to be less sensitive to everything, so that he doesn’t feel like he has to be careful or I will explode.
This is the thing I’ve been afraid of my whole life. I can not let myself be someone who destroys the person I love the most. I have to change. I have to improve. I have to.
He deserves better.
He’s been taking more control, being in charge of everything more. It helps me but I don’t know if he’s doing it because it helps him.
He’s been so quiet and he’s both clingy and withdrawn. He wants to be near me but wants to be alone. We have good conversations and then I see him get really sad and upset when he thinks I’m not looking.
He’s on the verge of breaking.
He wanted to buy cigarettes and he kept himself from doing it, for me. It’s a HUGE thing.
I’m afraid to say I’m proud of him, even though I am. Afraid to make him think of cigarettes again, that he might feel the pain and urge all over again.
He’s in a lot of physical pain today. I read today that our emotions make us more sensitive to pain, especially trauma and anxiety.
We played 7d2d and he made pizza for lunch and I made pizza for dinner. I think we had a good time. He also helped me go downstairs and work on floggers. I got a lot done and then he gave the order not to work anymore today. It helped a lot more than I thought it would. I actually relaxed for a while.
He wants me to have a daily collar again. So do I. I don’t know if I should make one, or if he prefers jewelry. I’ve had a hard time remembering and keeping track of my rings, necklaces, earrings, ear plugs, and wrist cuffs lately. It seems like I always forget one of the parts of my outfit. But I want him to know that I am his slave and that I’ve put my collar on every day because I love him and want to serve and honor him. As my husband and Master.
Posted 8/30/2023
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