He smoked today August 29 9 PM Tuesday

August 29 9 PM Tuesday 

I was really overwhelmed. I got a lot of things done, kind of. I dusted his ceiling and fan while he took a shower, got his sheets and most of his blankets washed, vacuumed, and took a shower to clean all the dust off me. 

When we got his bed made, I turned and looked at it and knew it was a lot of work and we got it done together. And I knew I should be proud of it. And all I felt was fear and anxiety and that rushed overwhelmed feeling. And I realized that nothing makes me happy. I don’t finish a thing and feel satisfied. I just see the next thing on my list as looming and important and urgent. 

And I went to my room to try and calm down and ended up sitting on my floor laying my head onto my mattress and just staring into nothing. And I just sat there a long time, overwhelmed and exhausted. Eventually it was like all of my feelings just went away, and drained out of me. Sometimes I was saying to myself that I needed to tell him I wasn’t ok, but mostly I just laid there. I didn’t even make it to my closet. 

I don’t want to do anything. I don’t have any drive for anything. 

And it was so sudden. Like I just realized I was numb, and couldn’t figure out how long it had been going on. 

I finally forced myself up to sitting position and sorted the laundry. I felt like I could “put things where they go” whether I felt good or bad, and at least then something would be done. 

When I finished I took his clothes to the living room, and he was asleep/unconscious in his chair. He woke up pretty quickly, and we made pizza and put his clothes away. 

He cuddled me for a while. 

Then he said he needed cigarettes- he hasn’t smoked in years. He wanted them yesterday but didn’t end up getting them. He bought soda and ice cream instead. 

I went with him today and he bought them. He smoked 2 cigarettes. He bought me a Nehi Peach soda and some Chunky candy bars. 

We came home and walked the dogs and watched tv. I’m in bed early. I still feel numb and empty and I’m not really enjoying anything or feeling anything. Not angry, not happy. 

Just indifferent. I still have some of the thoughts or facial reactions or say / do things I guess I normally would have, but it feels like they’re independent of me. 

He’s in more pain than usual again today.

Posted 8/30/2023