New clothes Thursday

New clothes 

Aug 31 Thurs 11:40 PM

We did a lot of things out of the house. 

R’s vape fell off the counter and the glass broke, so we had to go to the vape store. 

On the way home we stopped at Kohl’s and bought me two new pairs of jeans because mine were falling off of me (again). I’m down to 118 lbs. the last time I was this weight was when we lived in the shit house in Sh.b. That’s when I started antidepressants. I think it was 5 or 6 years ago. I was up to 140 lbs, and we swapped to adhd medications, and I started losing weight again. I also got my IBS and endometriosis under control during that time. 

Once I wasn’t on antidepressants any longer, my weight slowly went back down, and I’ve had to buy new pants twice now because my other ones were too big and won’t stay up. 

It’s a good feeling but at the same time I still feel like I’m “big” even though the things that were bothering me about my size have all slowly went away.  The belly jiggle during sex, being too big to fit through spaces I think I should fit through because I could all my life, my arms jiggling when I brushed my hair… 

I’ve also started back on my levothyroxine for my thyroid, and I wonder if that might be helping too, even though I still have days where I just don’t have any energy. 

Anyway. 

Two new dresses and a new tank top that were on clearance at Kohls, and 2 (not on sale) $20 each jeans from the BOYS department because men’s jeans are all too big for me now. I was wearing men’s pants, then we had to change to Boys size 18, now I’m wearing boys size 14 and size 12 of Sonoma flexwear. It’s not a good brand for reliably being the same size, but they are very comfy. 

We also got some nail polish remover from ULTA. 

Everywhere except ULTA that we went had a wait that made us almost lose it. 

We stopped at 3 (?) food places and gave up on two of them and then waited 20 minutes in the drive through of the third. The only reason we didn’t give up there was because someone was behind us. 

R and I had an argument about N again. I think I massively misunderstood what he was saying, but honestly we were both exhausted, it was the end of the day, and we’ve been under so so much stress lately. I thought he was telling me he wanted to collar her as his submissive again. 

At the end of it he said that I was acting like he’d asked to collar her again and that wasn’t what he said… so I don’t know where the misunderstanding came from… 

But I know that I was completely FUCKED as soon as the fight started. I felt like I was falling. I felt like I was trapped and I wanted to get away and there was no where to go. It was awful. I felt like it was going to start over and I had no choice.

Posted 9/9/2023

Naps August 30 Wednesday 11:20 pm

Aug 30 Wednesday 11:20 pm

Honey had muscle spasms last night all night so after breakfast this morning we both went back to bed. 

I posted all my journals for august to my blog, which took over an hour to copy them over. 

I didn’t sleep well and have felt pretty tired most of the day. 

Spaghetti for lunch. 

It’s been wet and rainy. My sunflower is almost completely gone, something is eating it at night. 

I finished the mini whips. And cut some shape for leather bats. 

We were paid today. So tomorrow R will schedule appointments. 

Alex is still sick so we canceled game day this weekend. It will be nearly a month before we are able to play. 

He smoked 2 cigarettes today. Then took a shower, then told me he threw away the rest of the pack. 

I’ve felt more normal today. But at the end of the day I always feel like I didn’t do enough. 

Tomorrow I have orders to have my tea and breakfast before I walk the dogs. I hope it works. I’ve really missed having my mornings to myself. 

I need to pick up my dice (they’re half-sorted) and work on some D&D things. I hope if I get those things done that I will be able to run a session for R’s D&D campaign soon. The last session I ran for him was in April or February— that’s way too long for him to wait between sessions.  I kind of feel like I put my whole life on hold while I was N’s dom. That she was the only thing I could devote time to. 

Penny might have an infected tooth, and we will ask the vet to look at it when she has her next appointment. Maybe that’s what’s causing her lymph nodes to have issues instead of Lymphoma.

R has some stuff going on in his head and we haven’t been able to him about it. But he seems really sad and conflicted and upset. I want to help. I want to be there for him. 

Posted 9/9/2023

He smoked today August 29 9 PM Tuesday

August 29 9 PM Tuesday 

I was really overwhelmed. I got a lot of things done, kind of. I dusted his ceiling and fan while he took a shower, got his sheets and most of his blankets washed, vacuumed, and took a shower to clean all the dust off me. 

When we got his bed made, I turned and looked at it and knew it was a lot of work and we got it done together. And I knew I should be proud of it. And all I felt was fear and anxiety and that rushed overwhelmed feeling. And I realized that nothing makes me happy. I don’t finish a thing and feel satisfied. I just see the next thing on my list as looming and important and urgent. 

And I went to my room to try and calm down and ended up sitting on my floor laying my head onto my mattress and just staring into nothing. And I just sat there a long time, overwhelmed and exhausted. Eventually it was like all of my feelings just went away, and drained out of me. Sometimes I was saying to myself that I needed to tell him I wasn’t ok, but mostly I just laid there. I didn’t even make it to my closet. 

I don’t want to do anything. I don’t have any drive for anything. 

And it was so sudden. Like I just realized I was numb, and couldn’t figure out how long it had been going on. 

I finally forced myself up to sitting position and sorted the laundry. I felt like I could “put things where they go” whether I felt good or bad, and at least then something would be done. 

When I finished I took his clothes to the living room, and he was asleep/unconscious in his chair. He woke up pretty quickly, and we made pizza and put his clothes away. 

He cuddled me for a while. 

Then he said he needed cigarettes- he hasn’t smoked in years. He wanted them yesterday but didn’t end up getting them. He bought soda and ice cream instead. 

I went with him today and he bought them. He smoked 2 cigarettes. He bought me a Nehi Peach soda and some Chunky candy bars. 

We came home and walked the dogs and watched tv. I’m in bed early. I still feel numb and empty and I’m not really enjoying anything or feeling anything. Not angry, not happy. 

Just indifferent. I still have some of the thoughts or facial reactions or say / do things I guess I normally would have, but it feels like they’re independent of me. 

He’s in more pain than usual again today.

Posted 8/30/2023

He's not ok. August 28 10:30 AM

August 28 10:30 AM 

We fought again today, we brought up the argument and our reasons for everything, and ended up yelling at each other all over. 

And I did a thing and he sort of understood one of my points but honestly I did so many fucked up things yesterday… I was ranting about him out loud after leaving the room. I have caught myself doing that more than I want to admit lately. And it helps me blow off steam but it’s not ok. And he overheard me, which is why it’s not ok. If I’m going to say it and if I think it then I should say it to him, not to empty air. And if I don’t really think it, then I shouldn’t say it. 

He didn’t deserve any of the things that happened. 

At first I was just impatient and frustrated and hot and hungry. 

And then it twisted and escalated to real Big Fucking Problems that I have to deal with. That we both have to deal with. 

He isn’t ok. 

I need to be patient and careful. Not just for a little while. 

I want to do better. I want to be less controlling in general, figure out how to be less sensitive to everything, so that he doesn’t feel like he has to be careful or I will explode. 

This is the thing I’ve been afraid of my whole life. I can not let myself be someone who destroys the person I love the most. I have to change. I have to improve. I have to. 

He deserves better. 

He’s been taking more control, being in charge of everything more. It helps me but I don’t know if he’s doing it because it helps him. 

He’s been so quiet and he’s both clingy and withdrawn. He wants to be near me but wants to be alone. We have good conversations and then I see him get really sad and upset when he thinks I’m not looking. 

He’s on the verge of breaking. 

He wanted to buy cigarettes and he kept himself from doing it, for me.  It’s a HUGE thing. 

I’m afraid to say I’m proud of him, even though I am. Afraid to make him think of cigarettes again, that he might feel the pain and urge all over again. 

He’s in a lot of physical pain today. I read today that our emotions make us more sensitive to pain, especially trauma and anxiety. 

We played 7d2d and he made pizza for lunch and I made pizza for dinner. I think we had a good time.  He also helped me go downstairs and work on floggers. I got a lot done and then he gave the order not to work anymore today. It helped a lot more than I thought it would. I actually relaxed for a while. 

He wants me to have a daily collar again. So do I. I don’t know if I should make one, or if he prefers jewelry. I’ve had a hard time remembering and keeping track of my rings, necklaces, earrings, ear plugs, and wrist cuffs lately. It seems like I always forget one of the parts of my outfit. But I want him to know that I am his slave and that I’ve put my collar on every day because I love him and want to serve and honor him. As my husband and Master.

Posted 8/30/2023

Sex and me fucking up. August 27 Sunday 11 PM

August 27 Sunday 11 PM  (I actually made this entry at least 24 hours after this time, but I saved this entry into my app at 11PM so I didn't lose my journaling streak)

We had sex twice. 

I fucked up in between those two times. 

He “punished” me with anal. It was amazing. I was wearing a white thong. I pulled my pants down “to read the link he sent about Vhaeraun” and then he used a toy on me while I was reading, telling me I had to finish reading it. As I finished the entry, he was just finishing foreplay. We moved to my bed, and it was really good but it hurt too, and he got off from how much pain I was in. After, he told me that, and I felt my whole body turn on all over again. And then he went down on me. It was completely mind-melting

Then I fucked up. 

We had an argument and I crossed a line. I thought he was going to leave. I had already sat on the floor, to show I was sorry, to show I wasn’t aggressive any longer, to show I knew I had fucked up and was completely at fault and accepted the consequences. 

He left the room and I just collapsed the rest of the way, face on the floor sobbing. He ran back into the room and scooped me into his arms and took care of me and told me he loved me and he was never going to leave me and I didn’t have to guess… 

I hate myself. I know he doesn’t want me to feel like a bad person, but it would have been better if I had-.. better to hurt myself than to hurt him.  This is so much worse. 

I want to promise it won’t ever happen again. But I thought it wouldn’t happen. I thought I am able to control myself and my emotions enough…  and I felt like a fucking 2 year old with no ability to put my emotions into words or anything tangible other than violence. I. Fucked. Up. 

And he’s comforting me and reassuring me and telling me it’s going to be ok. 

And I’m in my head trying to figure out how to act, what to do now, how do I make sure this doesn’t happen again, how do I rewrite whatever part of my person the exists where that was even an option for a second, how do I CHANGE… and what do I say? He keeps telling me it’s ok. He wants me to stop crying. But if I turn it off. If I force it away, won’t I hurt him more, by being too callous, by not having feelings? He’s upset, he wants space, but he also wants me around. I don’t know what to do. I don’t fit here. 

I want to hurt myself. 

I hurt him, I don’t get to be the one who gets the bandaid. 

I won’t cause him more pain from this. I have to be good. 

He initiated sex again. 

It was amazing. I was really hesitant and had issues because he wanted anal, but he was ok with vaginal, and he went down on me, and fingered me, and got me off over and over. And then I begged him to fuck me, and he did and that was amazing too. 

I can’t even begin to describe how good it felt. And it just felt good. There wasn’t a story in my head or a plot or anything to distract me or make me able to “get into” the sex. And I didn’t need it. 

It was Just That Good. 

I was able to just roll over and fall asleep. 

I don’t know why he did it, or feel like I deserved it- but it was amazing. 

I love him, and he makes me feel loved.

Posted 8/30/2023

Naps

August 26 Saturday 9 PM

Honey and I took lots of naps today. It was nice. Watched TV. Talked about D&D.

Posted 8/30/2023

Honey’s surgery went well

Aug 25 6 PM Friday 

Her surgery went well. Neither of us really got any sleep last night. She is whiny and screaming all the time over nothing since she came home. Apparently that is the anesthesia, and can last for 24 hours. So we are in for a nerve-wracking 24 hours. I gave her a sedative that they gave us 2 hours ago but she is still up and pacing constantly. And crying. I don’t know what to do or how to help her, and there’s not actually anything to DO to help her. It’s nerve wracking and torturous. But I’m still handling it better than R. He is almost broken seeing her like this so he is in his room for a while. And when I can’t take it anymore. I’ll hand her off to him.  And I guess we will pass the torch for a while.

Posted 8/30/2023

Honey surgery tomorrow August 24 11 PM

August 24 Thursday 11 PM 

Honeys surgery is tomorrow and we have to get up super early. I’ve gotten the groceries, r filled up the gas tank, we picked up my rx, I set up the living room for Honey to stay and sleep and rest. 

I’m really anxious about it, but I know I’ve done everything I can do to prepare. 

I hope so much that it goes well.

Posted 8/30/2023

Honey and disc golfing Aug 23 Wednesday 2 PM

Aug 23 Wednesday 2 PM 

We took Honey with us today, and went disc golfing. It’s the first time in months that we’ve gone, but we wanted to give Honey a good walk out in nature before her surgery on Friday.  This was the only day this week that the high temperature was lower than 90f. It goes down next week, we should be getting some rain, but Honey will need to stay quiet and not move much so her stitches can heal. She will need to be calm and sedentary for about 2 weeks after her surgery. 

We need to pick up groceries, but I think we will have to do it tomorrow because we are both done with being out in the heat for a while. 

I was able to make a route this time as well, so I submitted my first Pokémon Go Route today at the Disc Golf (short) Course.

Posted 8/30/2023

LHPF D&D and Leatherwork August 22 Tuesday. 7:30 PM

August 22 Tuesday. 7:30 PM

I’m doing a lot of things today

R and I are taking about next steps for LHPF and how he can help everyone get the ball rolling. 

I am typing some of my notes for the Icewind Dale campaign

I have been doing the tail knots on all the mini whips I’ve braided over the past week+. I finished those. There were a BUNCH of them and it took several hours. 

R and I also went on a walk with the dogs and it’s super hot outside. 90f+ 

Posted 8/30/2023

Nap and Leatherwork Monday August 21, 7 PM

Mon Aug 21 7 PM 

Took a long nap today. I’ve been dizzy a lot from the heat and from bending over again. (That went away when I was on Quelbree, but all the emotional  side effects weren’t worth it, Quelbree is a HUGE NO and I will never take it again) 

I’ve been working on leather and floggers today for the upcoming event sept 15th but have had to take a lot of breaks because of dizziness. 

R moved a higher table to my workspace so I won’t have to bend over, and we will see how that goes when I get back to work. 

Still need to eat dinner and shower before bed tonight. And we are going to watch some TV too. Definitely going to be up past my bedtime.

Posted 8/30/2023

Lazy day

August 20 Sunday 6 PM 

Took a shower and braided my hair. Played 7d2d with R. 

Life is fine. 

I got to cuddle with him for a while this morning, and I really enjoyed having my head on his chest. 

We’ve been walking Honey with the neighbor Courtney and her son Kaleb. 

This is the second day I’ve woken up early (5AM) and then been sleepy/had trouble sleeping since starting the atomoxetine. I think it makes my brain run at night. 

I did some of my character journal summary this morning for D&D since my head was ON.

Posted 8/30/2023

Day one Atomoxetine

8/19 Saturday 10:20 AM

1st day back on Atomoxetine. I took my first dose last night. Had a lot of thoughts and ended up waking up around 6 AM. R was asleep in his chair. We had a nighttime snack together, he dozed through most of it. It was nice. 

We don’t have anything scheduled today. I can’t believe I finally made chocolate oatmeal cookies yesterday. I’ve wanted to make them for like 3 months. They’re really good. And I want to make them for the D&D group next session.  Maybe even make them for the vendor fair. 

We are watching a show R really likes, called Community. I love it. It’s hilarious, and kind of real, but with all the wacky stuff thrown in too. It acknowledges that the characters are flawed but doesn’t show those flaws as positives. 

I’m thinking about disc golf. I would like to take Honey one time before her surgery, because after her surgery she is supposed to stay still and not move around much because she might tear stitches etc. 

(I’m so afraid she will lose her leg. I don’t want her to have to go through that!) 

I’m probably going to move to the basement for the week or so after her surgery, so she can go potty out the garage and not have to deal with 2 flights of stairs every time she wants to pee.

Posted 8/30/2023

Honey bloodwork appointment

August 18 Friday 8 pm

Honey had a blood work appt today and did amazing. She went back and came back without any issue. 

Had a really good day today. Made oatmeal cookies

Posted 8/30/2023

Good day August 17 Thursday 11 PM

August 17 Thursday 11 PM 

R went to his appointment. And while his dr basically told him he shouldn’t have wasted her time taking up an appointment slot, she did order him a cooling/warming water flowing pad thing for his neck pain. 

Afterwards, we drove around and also walked the park doing routes on Pokémon Go. Trying to complete a quest of mine. We didn’t complete it (zygarde cell) but we really enjoyed ourselves. We walked around Target and also went to the Magic Shop at the mall (secrets and smiles?). Honey and I ate pretzel bites while R shopped and talked to the owner at the magic shop. 

He had a phone call with M from the LHP board and has said he will be volunteer coordinator AND head of security. Ugh. 

Anyway, I watched a movie called Safe which I really enjoyed. And got some laundry and dishes into their respective machines. 

Then I hand washed a bunch of dishes. R came out and helped me, he rinsed and dried and put away everything while I was washing. I missed a few cupcake pans and he washed those for me as soon as we realized they were dirty. 

We watched a movie together called Heart of Stone (it was pretty good) and I started making toys for the event T3WD in Sept. 

I thoroughly enjoyed my time with my husband today. I didn’t have a meltdown, and we didn’t fight, for the first time in what feels like forever. 

I had a few moments where I felt myself starting to spiral but I was able to see it coming and calm myself. Maybe the med is starting to get out of my system. Maybe all the shit going on is sinking in just enough that I can breathe. 

Honey has blood work tomorrow. It’s going to be hard, but I think things will be ok.

Posted 8/30/2023

R 8 AM appointment

August 17 9 am 

He went to his 8 AM appt alone, but he managed to sneak out without Honey knowing. I was starting to walk them when he got home. 

My headache is starting to go away. I could still feel the tension in my head and neck but not nearly as bad as before. Not pounding or throbbing every time I bend over or stand up.

Posted 8/30/2023

Headache

8/16 Wednesday  11:30 AM

Yesterday I had a bad headache. I walked the dogs and then went back to bed until 6pm. My period is really bad this time, and the headache too. 

R made pork chops and mashed potatoes and I yelled at him. I was out of control and angry and couldn’t do even simple tasks. It wasn’t his fault. 

I love him and everything is just insane in my head. 

I didn’t take the meds yesterday. I think it was Sunday when he told me not to take them anymore. (Quelbree) I’d already taken it on Sunday so I stopped on Monday. 

Finally did my D&D dream recap last night before bed. I know I’m missing stuff.

Posted 8/30/2023

Sleepy

8/15 Tuesday 12:14 AM

Started my period yesterday and am super tired and bled through my panties and feel icky. But I got a flogger order so that’s good.

Posted 8/30/2023

Had a nap

8/14 Monday 7:45 PM

Had a nap today. 

Didn’t take my Quelbree today for the first day going off of it. Have had a lot of not ok mood stuff

Posted 8/30/2023

Keep having wild mood swings

8/13 6:50 PM Sun 

My head is super sensitive to noise and I keep feeling really depressed and hating myself. 

R told me to stop taking the Quelbree. It’s making my emotions CRASH constantly.

Posted 8/30/2023

D&D Icewind Dale Today

August 12 Saturday 11:20 AM 

Danny can’t make it to this session. 

Honeys surgery is 2 weeks away, R currently has a procedure scheduled for two days before her surgery. Alex has said he will drive R there and back. 

This is the session immediately after being attacked by Yazria in Luskan. Sigurd (and Ash) have said they want to go look at the glabrezu we killed at the end of the fight, and Vivika is staying with the ship because she needs to check on everyone and get a report. 

My meds don’t seem to be helping me much at all, my motivation to move is really low, and I never seem to be able to focus and get the thing I’m trying to do finished. I work all around it but never get to the thing I need to do.

Posted 8/30/2023

Honey’s surgery is paid for August 11, Friday 7:30 AM

August 11, Friday 7:30 AM 

We posted on Facebook and in about 48 hours a ton of people stepped up and sent us money to help pay for Honey’s surgery. 

Crow - $100 

Chesh - $100 

Jenn M - $500 

De Lune - $10 

I don’t know the others yet, someone else sent $10 and I think another person sent $100. 

Alex and his girl have offered to loan us money, no interest, as long as we can pay them back in the next two months. 

When R wakes up today he will be calling to schedule Honey’s Surgery. 

It will probably be next Friday. 

It’s such a relief. 

Shit is still gonna be hard this month, we are gonna have trouble paying for groceries, but she will HAVE the surgery this month, assuming her blood work comes back the way they need it to.

Posted 8/30/2023

Honey has a Mast Cell Tumor August 10, 1 AM

August 10, Thursday 1 AM 

Honey has a Mast Cell Tumor 

The world has fucking shattered. 

She has cancer. It could be really bad. It could be over after a single surgery. But it’s going to take about $1000 to get it all done. And we will still STRUGGLE even if we can cover that amount somehow. 

A few people have already reached out and offer monetary aid. I’m honestly overwhelmed already, amazed. 

Honey is my whole world. 

And knowing that Penny can’t be helped at all, there’s nothing we can do for her… all we can do is love her and try to make her happy until she isn’t comfortable any more… It’s ALL too much. I’ve “gotten used to” and I mean “numb to” the reality that we don’t have long with Penny. 

But my whole being is breaking now. I can’t lose Honey too. 

And she has a chance.

Posted 8/30/2023

Honey Vet Appointment Wednesday Aug 9 11 AM

Wednesday Aug 9 11 AM 

Honey Vet Appointment 

We are taking Honey to a vet appointment today at 2:45 PM. She needs her yearly shots and she has a lump on the inside of her leg.

I woke up around 5 AM and had a snack with R before going back to bed until around seven.  

I had a very bad day yesterday. I could not motivate to do things. I kept trying to do things, and it was like my head wouldn’t send the signals to my body to move. I am struggling to get everything done all the time, and I am completely overwhelmed and I’m having emotional problems and meltdowns, and I feel almost unlovable. 

R and I were arguing and we ended up in my bed, I was sobbing and he had his arms wrapped around me.

He told me that he is proud of me, that on my worst day I am still his slave, on my worst day I am still better than anyone he has ever met. He said if he could go back in time and only knew the past few days as what our life together would be like, he would marry me all over again, with no hesitation. Because the way he feels for me, even when I don’t think I am hitting the lowest bar I have for myself… 

I needed it. 

He is right. We are both struggling/drowning right now. We are not ok. 

But we have each other for the rest of our lives. And that’s enough.

Posted 8/30/2023

Meltdowns August 8 Tuesday 11 PM

August 8 Tuesday 11 PM 

I’m severely overwhelmed. Multiple times a day I am freaking out and feeling like I can’t function or complete basic tasks. I will be sitting doing nothing and can’t make myself “do the thing”. If plans change I get very upset and panicky and angry. 

I keep doing long term tasks instead of things that need to be done right now (cleaned out the out-of-date spice cabinet instead of washing a pan to bake taco shells, vacuumed half my bedroom, “reorganized” my shelf and toy rack.) 

I just sit down and zone out. I’m not doing well.

R is having numbness in his hands and we think it’s from the Gabapentin. 

I planted two oregano bushes in the front garden today. Found a nail on a string. The garden bed looks really good but is obviously not complete. Lots of weeds to pull still, and lots of space for more flowers.

Posted 8/30/2023

So take a le nap, but zen, FIRE ZE MISSILES

 Aug 7 Monday 2:30 PM

Getting dizzy a lot today from the heat. 

Laying down for a nap. 

Day 3 of gabapentin doesn’t seem to be helping him yet but could be up to two weeks to really do any good.  (He got a call from a VA doc) 

His gastro appointment last week went really well. They want to do an endoscopy though. And he can’t drive himself to that. He’s going to ask Alex and try to reschedule it on a day Alex could do.

Posted 8/30/2023