Sydney:

I haven't had a panic attack in a long time.

I don't know for sure if that's exactly what it was, but I needed to get away from their conversation as soon as I could. I've never been at the front door waiting to go in before they're out of the car before.

Major has changed lately. He's lied, about things that he shouldn't, that people wouldn't mind if he was honest about, but when he lies it becomes a big deal, he's become manipulative, and if he doesn't get his way, he basically threatens to make sure that it doesn't happen, or at least he won't be a part of how it gets done. The last one usually ends in an insult to belittle whoever isn't giving him his way. It also comes with the implication that it will end the friendship that has been in existence for a long time, just because he isn't getting what he wants. It hurts a lot to think that getting his way is more important to him than the people who have been a big part of his life for at least a year now.  It's happening more and more frequently, and while the things he's talking about are important, they're not important enough to threaten to break up a friendship over.

I used to trust him, and the more this happens, the less I trust him. I'm even starting to feel less comfortable at the thought of scening with him, and even though this happens rarely, it's like he keeps reminding me why I was uncomfortable. If I start to feel at ease, something small brings that warning back the front of my brain again.

Maybe he is really depressed, but I don't see how being in control of these things will help him feel more in control of his own life.



The "discussion" they were having didn't bring back a lot of bad memories, or make me want to hurt myself, it just made me feel like I was losing my mind, like I was in a situation that I couldn't handle but couldn't leave, it made me feel like everyone was trying to switch to get away all at once.


But I do feel like I'm young again, and awkward and (16-18) have forgotten what confidence is, i guess. That's what this feeling reminds me of.