7/15/2023 List Maintenance

 What are all the balls I’m juggling/ plates I’m carrying? 

Wasp nests x3

Cavity in my front teeth

Penny vet visit  (cost?) 

Penny medical care, day to day. 

Rabbit health

Flies

Laundry

Dishes 

Dishes by hand

Eat daily. Preferably 2x 

Walk dogs below 85F  (11AM) 

Pokémon Go 

Shop Titans 

Prism to level 5, print for folder. (Print other character info on alt pages from his roll20) 

Vivika to level 10, 8 ranger, 1 cleric, 1 monk. 

Honey overweight

Water plants every day

Empty bucket 2+ times daily

Delete (a bunch of) photos and vids so my phone can sync again. 

Vine reviews to get back on good list (less than 30 day deadline) 

Make toys for T3WD. (Set goal of toys per week. Toys total before event. What kinds of toys I need more of) 

Clean off table to be able to do anything. 

Clean guest room 

Clean D&D room for guest 

Move mattress to D&D room (wash sheets) 

Acclimate Honey to visiting other people, being babysat, going to be boarded etc (before event in… Sept?) 

Find out if we can afford $30 bag of birdseed this month (all sunflower seeds?) 

Online doctor visit to get antibiotics for my not-uti.  (No sex, bc it hurts) 

Back deck (look up how to deal with paint peeling, wood deteriorating- would painting again with better paint help?) (can we replace the boards one at a time?) 

Change adhd meds again

Tell his primary care that steroid shot helped his arthritis. (How long does it help?) 

Refrigerator leaks 

Kitchen water damage

Basement leak near water heater/washer/AC unit

Basement water damage 

Hidden leaks/hidden water damage insurance? 

Home warranty (30 days?) 

Install solar light (figure out, motion sensor vs always on) (screw into brick?) 

7/15/2023 maintenance later

 Last night as he was talking me, and I brought up how overwhelmed and beaten down I’ve been feeling.

He said this was the thing he wanted me to bring up with my doctor, this feeling of never getting anything done, and being overwhelmed, and being so hard on myself, I guess, I don’t know exactly which thing. 

I told him it was normal for me to feel how I do because of how many things were on my list. (Feeling like I matter what I do it’s never enough, it never lessens the list any, and that I’m not only fighting as hard as I can to complete the things every day. I’m fighting myself to be able to do the things I need to do) 

He said either I can try to do all the things and mess up and be ok that not everything is perfect, or we can stop trying to do so many things and try to lessen the load (put some things down) and do a manageable amount of things.  

But that I have to stop letting it get to me, stop being so stressed by it. 

We are doing maintenance today. To talk about what all the things are. That I’m carrying and worrying about. 

7/14/2023 R at urgent care for migrain

I went to bed late last night, was so tired I turned off my 8 and 9 am alarms. Got up at 10 AM but didn’t make it outside to walk the dogs until 11:30 because I didn’t feel like moving, couldn’t get my head in gear. Can’t focus. Keep just zoning out. 

It’s 3 PM and we are now at the local urgent care center for the Headache / Migraine R has had since Saturday. He’s been light and sound sensitive and has muscle tension in his neck, and the pain is radiating from the back of his head. 

He’s had trouble eating, but hasn’t thrown up. 

He was sick recently but I don’t remember when it was. It’s been since the first.  He says his head has been hurting in some form since he broke up with Nell. But I don’t remember him telling me he had a migraine until around the time we did Pokémon Go Community Day (Squirtle) 

Yesterday I asked him to look at the boundaries book and do the first day of the workbook. I told him he didn’t need to write it down or tell me, but I just wanted him to think about the questions. He told me this morning that he couldn’t stop thinking about it last night. That if he could completely stop talking to Nell in all forms he would if he know it wouldn’t cause her to hurt herself. That he is ready to be done.  

I keep hoping that if he finally cuts off the relationship he will start to feel better. Because she is still treating him like shit constantly. And then love-bombing and then guilt tripping and it’s just… it’s horrible to see what it’s doing to him. 

It’s been affecting his health and mine. 

Fuck I hope they will do something to help him with this migraine/tension headache / whatever. 

7/13/2023 All the things are broken

 Fridge was leaking so I pulled it out and figured out that it’s BEEN leaking and the floor under it is damaged and water damaged. Looks like 3 different issues with fridge. 

Penny’s eye is still red and doesn’t seem to be getting much better.  Probably $300 when she goes back to get the rest of the tests she needs. 

My front teeth have had a visible cavity for 2+ years, and we can’t afford to get it fixed. Especially now that the refrigerator is constantly dripping water. 

Dusty’s cage is constantly making flies. 

The AC can’t keep the house below 73F, but today it spiked to 75F. Needs a whole new unit and the ventilation all needs replaced. 

The basement heater is messed up too. 

There’s other stuff. I feel just completely beaten and overwhelmed. 

R has had a migraine for 5+ days and can barely function. 

I want so badly to be Vivika. To have Phyrva in my arms. To feel like I’ve finally done something right. (Won the battle) To… to make things right with him. 

M

7/12/2023 14th anniversary day 2

 Happy 14th anniversary Relly!! 

Didn’t write one earlier because we have been doing so much together all day today!! We played Pokémon together and stopped at the plant nursery, and looked for makeup at ulta, and looked for a gel pillow for you, and we had a sweet little date at the Vampire Penguin “Premium Shaved Ice” Desert Shop. (It was good but not sure I’d go there again). 

And we made veggie lasagna for dinner for me. And sauerkraut and hot dogs and Mac+Cheese for you… comfort foods for each other. And I got the cake baked, we will ice it tomorrow. And we watched most of a movie. 

It’s been a really FULL and really great day with you. I’ve had such a good day. Thank you for being my person. I love you the most. I love serving you. I love that we irritate each other and that we stop fights in the middle to tell jokes or look at the dog being cute or to take pictures of perfectly round perfect OSL bushes. 

You are the best person for me. 

You make me feel loved and safe. 

I love you.

Grateful: 

We are in a beautiful house that is OURS and even if it has issues, it is OUR HOUSE. And we have animals we love. And we have enough money to survive and also to get things that make us happy. Bills are overwhelming sometimes and we both have physical and mental health concerns currently, but we DO have each other. 

I love him. 

7/11/2023 14th Anniversary

 I have spent the morning reading Facebook memories from various anniversaries that I’ve shared with my husband. It has reminded me of our tenure, of our history together. I have been very shortsighted in memory lately, and felt trapped (not by the marriage, but by my depression and anxiety) a lot and unable to see past the past few months. 

It was amazing to see and remember what we have been through together and how much we love each other, and how much are friends love us. 

The pandemic really made me feel like I’ve been trapped and alone, and I needed to see all the people celebrating with us- all the people who had stories about us, too.  

I love my husband so much, and he’s pretty much my whole world. I have my own interests and hobbies and commitments, but all of those take second place to what I would do for him if he needed me.  

I love this man.  I have put work into this relationship. He has put work and effort and care and expended energy and sacrificed for us. We have both invested so much in each other because we are here for each other. 

I just wish that when I say, I love him, I could explain better how deeply, and how much I mean it with all the context and all the history and all of the time and investment we’ve made in each other . We have learned so much and grown so much together. 

I love you and I’m proud of you.  I’m so proud of you for always being the voice for both of us. I’m so proud of you for doing all of the hard things that you do for us. I’m so proud of you for how hard you push (me and yourself) every single day. 

7/10/2023 Annoyed, Jen M

 This is the 5th day in a row that Jenn has sent me an affirmation, or checked in, or tried to cheer me up. 

I did not tell her anything about our relationship, I did not tell her we broke up, I did not talk to her about it or ask for advice. 

And yet!!! 

She knows everything that’s going on with the breakup, and is trying to “comfort” me. I sent a message saying I wasn’t emotionally available to talk, and she continues messaging me, at least once every day. 

She knows everything because Nell is telling her everything. And Nell says she has no idea what’s going on or why I’m “so mad at her”. 

So basically Jenn is fact-hunting to find answers for Nell, but instead of admitting that, she’s messaging me every day. 

It’s a constant reminder of the breakup. It’s a constant point of contact from Nell that I can’t break because it’s a PERSON. 

I finally directly asked her to give me space instead of just saying “I don’t want to talk” or just saying “thank you” every time she messages. 

And I’m annoyed that I had to, but also afraid of how she will react, if she will be angry with me for asking her to leave me alone for a while. 

It’s just so NOT OK that my whole relationship with Nell is now known to her. That instead of saying, “Emily is a private person, please don’t gossip to me about her” she fucking listened to this person she’s only met once tell her all of the personal details about our relationship. And then FLEW OVER TO ME HOPING TO DRINK UP MORE DRAMA. 

Relly talked to Jen last night, and told me that Jenn already knew (within 24 hours) that I had blocked N on everything. 

I am doing what I need to do for MY mental health and I feel like N still found a way to make sure I’m reminded of her EVERY DAY. 

7/9/2023 Squirtle CD

Today is Squirtle CD on Pokémon go. I’m hopeful I can do a Pokémon raid boss and clear a few quests today. 

It’s also 1/4 hatch distance once the event starts.  Still hoping to get a Larvesta. 

The shower chair I ordered from Vine came today. 

Last night I unfriended and blocked Nell on every app and website I could think of. I was absolutely freaking out about it once it was done. Afraid of the the fallout. 

R has repeatedly told me he is proud of me and that I did the right thing to protect and take care of myself. 

7/8/2023 General Summary

 It’s earlier than I expected to wake up this morning, but I am happy to be up and out of the house, happy to be awake and moving. 

Yesterday I read the letters that Nell wrote me on her blog. 

R and I have been talking, sometimes very heatedly or emotionally, about Nell. He is staying friends with her, for now. He runs a D&D game for her server (which I am was in, but have wanted to leave for a while. I am not playing in it anymore). 

I can not be around her. I can not remain friends with her. With my current emotional state, all I felt was numb and manipulated when I read her letters. The last 2 weeks of the relationship, my stress was so high I was thinking about SI and had urges to hurt. 

Even if the relationship with her had been great, the added stress was a tipping point in my mental health. I cannot engage with her again.  (But I feel like I have to add, emphatically, I DO CARE ABOUT HER.) 

I’m good this morning because I know I’m not going to be talking to her. I know he has a specific thing to do from 3PM- until. I have a plan / schedule for the day. It relaxes and eases my mind. 

2 days ago I found him in the shower having a Czure. His stress levels are high, he is having severe physical health issues with his stomach, and his POTS, and it’s tanked his Czure threshold.  I really need to zero out his carbs for a week or two and get him back on Keto, it was the best lifestyle change he’s made for his headaches etc. 

Grateful: 

Being able to wake up early and get the dogs walked before it’s too hot. 

7/6/2023 Why I’m not talking to Nell

 Every issue or concern I’ve tried to address with her has been sidestepped, ignored, piggybacked, or used as a reason for one of her breakdowns. 

I told her repeatedly what I wanted or needed in the relationship and never felt heard. 

On top of all that, she was a complete asshole to you for several weeks before the breakup. She was passive aggressive, rude, dismissive of you, and downright petty. She was distancing herself from you, and didn’t want you around. 

The fact that she thinks this is “out of nowhere” is fucking comical. 

No, I don’t want to “be friends” with her. I understand that there were good parts, but I know what I have to do to protect myself. And because I VALUE MYSELF, I’m not going to keep emotionally investing in someone who has made an art of having a bigger more urgent breakdown than me every time I’m upset.

I know that I am incapable of being around her without falling into every empathy trap. 

So I’m not going to.

7/6/2023 Clear focus

I feel good this morning, because I feel like I got enough sleep, and I knew what I wanted to do when I woke up. 

I need to ensure that I eat regularly. 

I want to clean the old food out of the refrigerator. 

I want to handle the dishes. 

Role play with Phyrva. (Or level up Vivika to 10, or talk over session notes with R) 

I’m frustrated that Nell is trying to force me to talk to her. And thinking about my next moves. 

(She has posted in mutual groups and chats numerous times, a mutual friend reached out to “check on me”, and she bought me a ticket to an event on Pokémon Go.  All of these things happened last night or this morning.) 

7/5/2023 Emotions and food

 I keep feeling like I am super angry and depressed and then I eat and I start to feel human again. 

I know that’s normal, but it has taken enormous physical and mental effort to make myself eat lately.  To the point that I will start crying while making my food.

We watched a movie today and R made me some cut up fruit with whipped cream (after I ate lunch) and I feel a lot better and more at ease. 

We also cancelled the D&D game this weekend. It was just too much, the idea of having people over for four days. 

7/5/2023 Awake early

R has to have blood work done today. Fasting Labs. I’m awake and the dogs have been walked, penny has had her meds (one of her eyes is hyphemic), and I’m on track to wake him up in ten minutes. 

I have a cup of tea.

Things are calm, for now. 

Grateful: 

Something that makes me smile is that I am able to sit and paint miniatures. I enjoy it a lot. I am very detail focused and have been taking longer and longer every time I paint something, but I’m also happy with it more often when I finish painting. 

I also want to paint some things that I don’t CARE about so much on occasion, practice speed-painting, etc. but right now all the things I’m painting are important to me and I want to do them well. 

7/4/2023 About to nap

I forced myself to eat a peanut butter sandwich (on R’s keto bread because it’s all we have that’s in-date) and started to feel better last night. 

We watched tv together for 2+ episodes of 24.

When it was time to go to bed, we talked for a while, and then we had sex. I didn’t expect it, but I think he’d planned it. It was really really good sex. (Got off 2 times) Afterwords, R told me to play with myself and use a vibrator until I got off again. 

And told me to take a nap today. 

I had another PB sandwich for breakfast, milk. 

Smoothie juice and a slice of bacon. 

It’s overcast and might rain so it’s cool outside. 

Talked to the neighbor with the gorgeous yard. 

I hope I get a chance to read some Drizzt today. I think that would be really nice.

7/3/2023 Down

I haven’t eaten much today. I got up and got us ready for R’s appt and even made bacon but I only ate a slice before we left. He was in a bad mood after the appointment,

Not at me, but it was really difficult, and he wasn’t giving a great recount of what happened but he was angry. 

He wanted to play disc golf. We did three holes and then left. We were both feeling emotional and shitty. I encouraged him to get food and he had a burger. I didn’t eat. 

We went to exchange my gardening gloves because they were too small and I couldn’t decide on a plant even though he told me I could get one. I took too long and it was very hot out.

We came home and I still didn’t think about eating. I felt nauseous and horrible and clingy. And he just wants to be alone. And I keep bothering him. 

Then we had a fight. He kept saying I was being disrespectful. We eventually ended up on the same page, and when I went to apologize he had a seizure while I was sitting at his feet. I kept him safe, kept his head from hitting anything, talked to him every time he regained consciousness (he would be awake a few seconds and then pass out again) and after about 30 minutes he was starting to be coherent. 

He just wanted to go to his room again. 

I want darkness and I keep clinging to him hoping he will help, and he keeps pulling away. 

We had a fight last night when I was sick from not eating too. I told him I felt sick, and he just kept asking me questions until I snapped and then we fought until he went to his room. 

I made him food, he told me he was going back to his room AGAIN. It’s hard not to give up. It’s hard not to give in to my feelings. He asked me to eat as he was holding the food I made him, and I told him to fuck off, and then apologized. I said I was sorry, and he kissed my forehead and went to his room. It’s been an hour. I can’t make myself eat. I don’t feel hungry, only sick. Only angry. Only fucking sad and hopeless. 

But I KNOW that he won’t help. He will ask me how he can help, and put all of the fucking labor back onto me. I can’t do it. I can’t “pick something I want” - there’s NOTHING. I don’t WANT anything and I don’t think I can stomach anything. I don’t want to eat. I just want to be anyone else but me. I want to leave my own fucking head and feelings. 

And he won’t do the damn roleplay. He won’t help me with my character. He won’t talk to me about the damn D&D game this weekend. He won’t even THINK about canceling it. I’m trapped in a f cycle of procrastination that is FORCING ME to be stressed and to do all the stuff at the last minute. Because I have to wait until he “feels like it”. To do anything. 

He doesn’t want to do anything. 

Why does it fall on me? 

I’m tired and fucking spent. 

I woke up at 6 AM. I walk the dogs at night, in the mornings, give them their pills, keep track of when everything has to fucking happen. I do the whole gd mental load and all the physical. 

But he’s sick. And he’s sad. 

I know that there’s a lot he can’t do. 

But I’m not capable of doing it ALL either. 

So why do I have to? Why is it ok for all the things I need from him to get pushed to the very last minute, and force me to do all the other bs that can only be done last minute ON TOP OF the stuff he put off? 

Why does it make ME a bitch for saying “it’s too late now, you fucked up.” ? 

And it’s 8:30 pm and I’ve eaten 2 slices of bacon and half a white chocolate bar. 

I can take care of 1 fucking person (and two dogs, and a rabbit) a day. Today wasn’t my day. 

I want to disappear, so so badly.

7/3/2023 appointment

 R has an appointment today and I hope it goes well. I’ve done everything I can do on my end to set him up to succeed today. Now it’s up to him to be assertive and up to his doctor to listen to his concerns and help him. 

I’m in the car while he goes in for this appointment, since we have Honey with us and it’s July. 

Once this appointment is over, I have a lot of planning and work to do to get the house and myself ready for the next D&D session. (next weekend. It’s on Saturday, and Danny and Alex are coming over on Friday night, playing Saturday, Danny leaves Sunday, and Alex stays to work Sunday and leaves Monday. It’s going to be super overwhelming and stressful to have them here for that long. 

Grateful: 

I‘m thankful for the cloudy weather today. It’s supposed to get to 90f and it would be really uncomfortable if the sun was out while Honey and I are in the car during R’s VA Appointment today. 

7/2/2023 Okay

 I feel relieved because he ended the D/s relationship with N yesterday. 

He loves her and he wanted so badly to help her, to fix her. He still does. He wants to hold her and tell her everything will be ok because he wants her loved and safe and happy. 

And HE loves her. He wants her to love him, and comfort him, and make him happy too. 

My feelings. 

I am relieved because I knew we couldn’t start to heal and process and relax until it was over. 

I was having panic attacks multiple times a day. I was thinking about Self Injury almost daily. I have been getting more and more depressed. I “catch” the feelings of the people around me, and when she is always in crisis, and I love her and care about her and her self image and mental state, it is extremely stressful and feels like I’m in constant crisis, constant damage control mode. 

I feel… what do I feel? 

Just… 

Relieved that it’s over. 

Hopeful that I will start to get my emotions back under control. 

Sad that R is hurting. Sad that N is hurting, but honestly I am also hopeful that she will pursue getting herself better. 

I am so relieved that I’m not lying to her anymore. 

7/1/2023 He still hasn’t done the thing

The D&D game on discord was cancelled. I already told him I won’t be playing anymore. 

So he didn’t end it with N yet. He said he will definitely do it before the in person D&D game with Alex and Danny next weekend. 

I am so fucking drained and stressed waiting for him to finally tell her it’s over. 

He wanted to wait for her to be ok / have a good day, because he didn’t want to do it when she was already upset or not ok, but then he didn’t want to do it on a good day either. 

And I’m still over here waiting for him to pull this knife out of me. 

Yesterday he said I need to try and understand how hard this is for him. 

He still LOVES her. He knows it can’t work. And he still wants to be friends, still wants her to come visit, still wants… still has part of his heart thinking that something will FIX her, or our situation and make everything happy and ok again, because before she came to visit “everything was good” 

But this shit is breaking me and him emotionally and physically. 

6/30/2023

 It’s 9 AM and already 77F outside. I’m so sleepy, and snoozed my alarm for 40 minutes because I didn’t want to get up yet. 

I need to get the dogs walked before it gets even hotter it’s going to be 90F+ today. 

So I’m just already tired and know it’s going to be a long tired day. 

I might take a nap.

6/29/2023 Out of control

I’m overwhelmed and even with no appointments or scheduled things this week, I feel completely out of control and… helpless. 

I feel like I have no say in what is happening in our life. 

Which isn’t true, not completely. 

I feel like I’m holding my breath for the 3 relationship to end. Like I can’t relax or breathe until it’s over. 

I know why I feel this way. 

It’s obvious that it isn’t getting any better. 

It’s obvious that he is getting in deeper every day even though he knows he needs to leave her.

And we can’t move on or heal until he has actually cut ties and separated. 

And he WON’T do it. 

He is dreading it, it hurts him. He loves her. He doesn’t want to hurt her. He doesn’t want to lose her. He is afraid to talk to her and tell her it’s over. 

And she knows it’s coming so every time he tries, she shuts down and cuts the conversation short. 

But it’s NOT working. 

He wanted to help her. To FIX her. 

She wanted… something we aren’t capable of giving. Something I am not capable of giving. 

She causes herself misery, and thinks she deserves it. And then drags us in to be miserable with her, but says we can never understand or feel how she does. 

She hates when we are happy together. She sabotages our relationship and the good times we have. 

I have been so depressed. I feel dejected, hopeless. 

I have been having higher and higher anxiety and had panic attacks repeatedly all day yesterday. Felt like I couldn’t breathe, like my chest was too small, my skin was too tight. Like I had something around my throat choking me. 

I feel like my life is on hold for this relationship. 

I’ve been giving her so much of my time and energy, and it was never enough. 

When I finally said something, she immediately distanced herself. 

It’s been kind of a relief, except she has still been relentless and hurtful to R, never happy with him, always angry, always shitty. He has been trying, I’ve seen it. And she just throws everything he does back in his face. She throws what I said in his face, as if it’s his fault, proof that she’s being treated unfairly. 

This whole situation is dragging the both of us backward in terms of emotional, mental, and physical health. 

And we can’t get better until he ends it. 

6/27/2023 Hot cup of tea

Penny is having health issues with her eye. R took her to the vet yesterday, and they ran tests, and sent her home with eye drops and antibiotics and steroids. 

They will call today and let us know if she should start the steroids. 

I am grateful that we were able to take her to the vet. I am thankful that I am able to DO something to help her. I am thankful that R took her as quickly as he did and that I sold the mini whips and had the $300 to pay for the visit.

6/27/2023

Made chili yesterday and planted the crepe myrtle even though it was hot. 

Spent time with R the past few days.

Played 7d2d two days in a row (not yesterday) when he wasn’t feeling well. Walked the dogs together today, and had physical time together. 

Unhelpful thought: 

I should be able to accomplish more

Challenge the thought: 

I worked hard! I accomplished a lot, and had a very full day yesterday. Sometimes I have trouble focusing, but everything that needed to be done yesterday was done, and I did a good job! 

I did a lot yesterday, and will continue to accomplish my goals today. 

I did ENOUGH. 

I set impossible goals for myself, and am forgetful of what I have already done, only looking at the mountain I front of me and feeling defeated for not leveling it yet. 

“I accomplished a lot yesterday. I am proud of what I’ve done, and will do more today.” 

“My worth is not based on how many tasks I can complete. I am proud of myself even if the dishes aren’t all clean.”