Tired Sept 4 Mon 11:55 PM

Sept 4 Mon 11:55 PM

Tired 

I’m exhausted today. I’ve been tired and fatigued a lot lately, but today was the worst so far. 

R has me “having tea” before I walk the dogs every day the past 4(?) day I think. It’s really good. I make a crazy breakfast for myself and I play hearthstone usually for about an hour, before I go do the rest of my day. 

But today I knew before I even walked the dogs that I wanted a nap. I had to drag myself out of bed and it was hard and I wasn’t even on my phone or distracted by anything. I was just so tired I couldn’t make myself move. 

I’m fighting my head- I want to quit my meds. I want to find out what my baseline emotions and energy and focus are / is before I continue doing all this stuff. I’m so so so tired of having my emotions and side effects and energy yo-yo’ed every day. 

I felt ok for like a week after I quit the Quelbree. Maybe it was because I still had it in my system, and the side effects weren’t as bad for a bit, but I didn’t feel so tired and sluggish until I started the Strattera / Atomoxetine again. 

I hate that I feel this way because I remember having an amazing month when I started it last time. My focus was good, I was achieving my goals, and I was waking up in the middle of the night and working on my writing for an hour or two every day. And I felt GOOD about it. 

Penny is starting to decline. She’s in pain a lot lately, panting all the time. I am afraid to have any more pain and trauma right now. I don’t know how I will cope. I’m not doing well. 

I’m forgetting important shit. 

Groceries, eating any meal other than breakfast (which means I’m not feeding R either), meds for R or the dogs, his coffee. 

Things that MATTER to me. 

I painted my Claugiyliamatar miniature today. I’m really satisfied with it. I think I did a really good job. 

And I don’t really feel any happiness from it. I don’t know what to do. 

I thought I should feel better, Relieved, that Honey is better. That we don’t have to worry about getting her chemo etc. 

My vending event is in 10 days. 

I have barely made any toys. 

I feel like I’ve been trying so hard to get to work on them, but somehow I’ve just completely disappointed myself and failed even the easiest goals and milestones. As tired as I am right now, I don’t know how I’m going to finish the toys I’ve started (they all still need corsets) much less make a bunch more.

Posted 9/9/2023