Sept 1 Friday 9 PM
Nell, Continued
I’m writing this late at night/ early morning (12 AM) on the 1st/2nd to try and keep my streak, and I actually only just finished my journal for the 31st. I didn’t properly end it, so here is more info.
I told R if he wanted to collar N, that he would have to uncollar me. I said some very mean things about her, which I don’t actually feel. I don’t hate her. But I know that I cannot 100% CAN NOT be her friend or anything more because I physically and mentally suffer when I am involved in her life. I want her to have a good and happy and fulfilling life. I want her to learn and grow, but I know that I cannot be the one to teach her. She hurts me. I care too much about her to watch her ruin her own life and punish herself and keep making bad decisions, and keep dragging the people who care about her into her misery and drama-filled world. Every bad decision she makes causes me pain. Every time she puts herself into a position to be hurt by someone and refuses to stand up for herself causes me pain. Every time she says that she is not worthy of love, it stabs into my heart. Every time she disobeys it is blatant disrespect to me the the care I put into making that order or rule as a way to keep her safe. Yes I CARE about her. But I cannot put myself through that much pain and suffering trying to love someone when they don’t care enough to listen to what I’m saying, to learn from what I’m saying, to respect my boundaries, to obey orders or take advice that is meant to help them.
Do I love her? Yes ffs I fucking love her. But I have to keep myself alive, and I did what I had to do to make that possible.
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