Chesh visiting 9/30/2023

 Cheshire has been visiting this week. From Monday? Until next Tuesday or so. 

It’s been a lot, and a lot of fun. They’re keeping us busy and distracted and the energy level is always UP so it’s hard to think or notice that I feel sad. I do sometimes, but I don’t know how to be sad around other people. 

Relly started us making D&D characters for a “one-shot” which might take us days to play. We get to be kobolds and I am SUPER excited about it. 

We are also going to Lowe’s today because chesh thinks they might be able to help fix the electric outlets in our kitchen that have gone out. 

Sept 24 Sunday

Sunday sept 24 2023 6:00 AM

R and I had a sit down talk about how we feel- we are both so depressed, and feel like nothing we are doing really means anything… 

And what we actually want from our lives together. Well, I talked about my current feelings about my interests and business etc.  He actually brought up my writing before I got there, and it was where I was headed, too. It’s something I very much want, to be a writer. I have so much conflict about my writing, but it’s what I really love. 

He started getting a little irritable at the end of the convo, so we stopped talking earlier than I would have liked. 

But I’m hoping that he will start thinking about what he wants long-term, too. 

I’ve been very Down lately. I will think I’m ok, and then it’s like someone puts a heavy blanket over me and I can’t get out… as if the hopeless feelings just suddenly sit on me, and I can only think that there’s no point because I don’t enjoy anything I do. 

R has been having similar feelings… but he’s been trying to take care of me, and this was the first we have talked about it in a long time. 

I’m going to focus on my writing again. It’s important to me. I guess we will see over the next few days if I can use it when the dark feelings come.  

I haven’t been journaling because I have been so tired and so hopeless and I can’t stand talking about it. I have a huge mental block against even saying the things I’ve been thinking… and I know I can’t write it down. The closest I can get is saying I’m depressed.

Post sept 29 2023

T3WD Vendor Fair

 Sunday September 17 2023 4:50 AM 

T3WD Vendor Fair 

This past week has been complete chaos! We have had an appointment or event or something scheduled almost every day! And around all those appointments, I’ve been working on making toys for the vendor fair.  (And I started my period on Monday and have been in a lot of pain.)

I’ve rolled and stapled toys up to Tuesday I think. (And glued caps!) 

Wednesday we had plumbers over to fix a leak. I cut corset squares for all the toys (chose colors to match them).

Thursday I dotted all the holes, punched the holes, added grommets, and laced all the toys. 

R and I got the soup into the crock pot. 

R had a cardiology appointment, and afterward spent a few hours getting the car washed and vacuuming it out really thoroughly. It looks so much better. No more gross pollen and dirt caked on the car with cat paw prints on the hood. I hadn’t even mentioned to him how much I wanted it done. It means so much to me to have it clean(er). 

He had a Leather History board meeting from 8 PM - 10:30 PM. 

I had 2 hard ciders, and we ended up having a really bad fight. I was way more upset than I should have been about things, and said and did stupid hurtful shit. I refused my bedtime protocol, I made my blog private, I thought about cutting my hair, I seriously considered quitting my D&D character Vivika. I felt like everything I cared about was over, or worthless. That feeling lasted through Friday night, and some of Saturday morning. 

I woke up in the middle of the night like I usually do, and R got up with me and made me peppermint tea, and gave me chocolate chunk cookies, and set up the heating pad in my bed, and made my bed for me (he straightens my blankets for me every night!), and tucked me in and gave me my protocol in bed. I felt so fucking loved. He wasn’t mad at me from our fight at all. He is so good to me, even when I make no sense. 

Friday: 

I tightened all the laces, added all the toys to my inventory sheets, R typed up the sheets, added SKU tags to the new toys, packed all the toys for the event, broke down the racks for the event.  

I was really down, and had a hard time making myself pack and do the work that needed to be done. I didn’t see a point in it. It felt futile. 

Saturday was the T3WD Vendor Fair. 

I woke up at 5 AM to pack and finish getting ready for the event. We didn’t leave until 9:30 AM. We arrived at the event 11:40 AM (set-up started at 11, event started at 12, we left the house 30 minutes behind schedule) and we’re about 10 minutes late getting set up. 

Honey was really good! She whined a few times but mostly napped and got pets and belt rubs the whole day. I was really nervous and panicky the first few hours. R’s vape broke around 3 PM. We made 5 sales, and about $400 after gas and food and the vendor fee (event $30 and PayPal $20 fees), not counting leather costs or time spent crafting etc. (so realistically about $200 profit). 

It was my first kink event and vending event since the pandemic, and a lot of things could have been better, and I was really stressed for a lot of it, but it was really good, too. I’m glad it was my first event back. I made friends with the neighbor vendors. I really liked the paddle guy, he was kinda blunt at first but after a bit I could understand what he meant and he seemed really cool. I loved looking at all the woods he had and trying to remember which types were which. 

The sensual candle vendors were both really sweet too! And all the scents were lovely. If they had regular candles I would have wanted one, but R and I never really do wax play. And those burn faster than not-for-play candles so it isn’t worth it just for the smell. The lady with pink pompom ears (and fun buns) said my work is art. And it made me so fucking happy. It was one of the highlights of the event for me, and reminded me why I make toys. 

One person tried the toys in a way that made me feel really satisfied. She had on a maroon vest and hit her partner with a tapered falls flogger, whip-style, and the face both of them made reminded me how much I love watching my toys be used on people who love/hate them. I’m a passive sadist. I don’t top much, but I adore seeing someone light up with joy and (or) pain from something I’ve made. It makes me giddy. 

Someone said the “I could make that” line about one of my toys during the event, not to me, luckily. R heard it, too. We decided not to sell to them. I was proud of myself, I actually said “rude” toward them, even though no one heard me. (The event had a lot of background noise, and I struggled to make myself heard today. I was too quiet constantly, not on purpose.) 

I really needed this event. It centered me emotionally a lot. By the end of the event I was ok talking to most people, and was sitting in the chair instead of in the floor (anxiety, I feel more comfortable in the floor than up where people will notice me). We didn’t make as many sales as I would have liked, I would have preferred more smaller sales, but a lot of people recommended other events and wanted my contact info. 

I felt alive again during the event and since then. I want to make things again. I want to have my items listed on Etsy again. (Maybe on eBay, I don’t know). Things are crazy and overwhelming and life is fucking hard. But there are good things too. There are things that make me happy. 

It was a great practice event for Honey before LHP. She has a lot of work to do, and we have to figure out how to get her to walk with us willingly even when she is grumpy and wants to go home, but she did really really well for her first event.

Posted 9/17/2023

To Vaerhun:

 Thursday 9/14/2023 7:45 PM 

To Vaerhun: 

You saved my sister, but not your own? 

Posted 9/17/2023

Medication start dates

 Wednesday 9/13/2023 1:00 PM

Medication start dates 

E started Strattera (atomoxetine) 40 mg Aug 19 

E started adderall 15 mg Sept 12 

R started Midodrine again Aug 20th (started getting lightheaded again as pain went away from head/neck injury in July. It raises blood pressure, and his blood pressure dropped as the pain started to lessen)

Posted 9/17/2023

(Unhelpful Thought:) sept 12

 

(Unhelpful Thought:)

I won’t finish everything I need to make/do before the vending event. 

That is money we could have made, that we might need. 

We have a lot of urgent issues this year and money is a big problem. 

So is time to deal with all the issues. 

What if I don’t have the energy to pack all the toys/break down the racks/pack the car/unpack the car/ set up the racks and toys/socialize/pack the toys/break down the racks/pack the car/unpack the car/ set up the racks/hang up the toys ?? 

Posted 9/17/2023

Brain dump: Tuesday sept 12 11:00 AM

Tuesday sept 12 11:00 AM

Brain dump

Appt R physical therapy earlier this week - neck stretching machine

Refill front yard birdfeeder 

Wash car 

Make practice set up for vending 

Psychiatrist appointment today possible stimulant. 

Scoop, dog poop, back porch 

Period due Sunday, started Monday afternoon. 

Remove water bottles from R office 

Wash R blankets and sheets 

Wash and refill water bottles 

Shower and wash hair 

Posted 9/17/2023

Neurology Appt, R. 9/8/2023 Friday

Neurology Appt, R. 9/8/2023 Friday 9:38 PM

The doc told him his seizures "probably aren’t his brain but just in his head…"   From anxiety. 

Because he said sometimes his panic attacks are so bad … 

Ugh. 

Next appointment is in six months. 

Useless.

---

The following was added on 9/9/2023 to give more info.

The technician who saw him put him back on Keppra, I think. The generic name starts with an L. We told him that medication worked a little the last time he used it, but not very well. He then said that if the seizures are "in his head and not in his brain" that this medication won't help very much.

So even though we said this medication wasn't very effective, he is going to take it as proof that this isn't "real" epilepsy, and try and refer R to a psychiatrist.

He didn't do anything to address the CURRENT issues R is having, the numbness, the head injury, the cognitive and memory issues, the fact that the Cardiology specialist told him he needed to see a neurologist for the low blood pressure and fainting for Vagas /Vagal nerve issues... that he likely has a compressed c3,c4,c5 nerve issue...

This is textbook medical gaslighting, and they aren't even treating him.

Six months until the next appointment, when he was treated like a "new patient" and the guy only asked questions about his medical history and did nothing to help with the current, pressing, SERIOUS NEUROLOGICAL ISSUES he's having now is 100% completely unacceptable.

Penny September 8, 2023 9:36 PM

Penny
September 8, 2023
9:36 PM

The vet said it was time. 

I can’t … 

It hurts too much right now.

Penny Sept 7 2023 11:30 AM Thursday

Sept 7 2023 11:30 AM Thursday

Penny 

Penny has a vet appointment today. We’ve both decided that if the vet still thinks it’s lymphoma, that it’s time. She has been constantly panting and R says it gets a lot worse at night, that she has trouble breathing at night now. 

I’ve cried so much. 

But I don’t want the cancer to progress to a point where she’s suffering before we say goodbye. I don’t want her last days to be in pain. 

Penny has had such a hard time, and I think since we’ve moved here it’s gotten so much better for her, even with the issues the first year or two. 

She finally grew so much of her fur back. She has had long walks through the woods with me. She has slept in bed with R most nights. 

She 100% refused to use the dog ramp we got for her because she’s not old, damn it. 

She is the least photogenic dog ever, because she doesn’t ever stay still even when she’s laying down. Something is always blurred, either her tail or a leg or her whole head. 

She click clacks down the hallway when she walks. 

I am honestly a little relieved that she won’t be at home alone while we are doing the vending event. If something had happened to her and she ended up hurt, or suffered while we were away… 

It’s so hard to let go, but I don’t want her to suffer because it’s difficult for us.

Posted 9/9/2023

Argument September 6 2023 3PM

Argument

September 6 2023 3PM

He and I just had an argument. But it escalated weirdly and I want details written down. 

I disagreed about an issue he brought up about someone else. 

He didn’t want to hear me and said he just didn’t want to talk about it. 

I said that I thought he just didn’t like them. 

He was upset and quiet for a while. 

Then he said, what if I said that to you? If you were upset about something someone said or did and I told you that you weren’t thinking clearly and you just didn’t like them? 

I said “you have done that to me.” 

He looked triumphant as if I’d proven his point. 

Then he said as I was leaving the room, that I just disliked someone because he liked them. 

I felt like he was referring to N or Jenn M, so I turned around and asked him who he was talking about. 

He stated that he wasn’t talking about anyone but that he was generalizing, and that it still “holds water.” 

I asked if he really believed that. 

He said yes. 

I told him there’s something wrong because it was illogical, it wasn’t true, and it was hurtful on purpose. 

I left the room. 

Since the head injury he has been coming at me about things. But the head injury happened right after he broke up with N. And he won’t quit talking to her. 

And he recently said that “it seems like” I start disliking all the people he gets close to. But we talked about it and he said even then that it’s not a fair judgement or thing to say, because all the people he has been close to have started treating me like shit first, because they care about him and I’m secondary to that friendship. He said the people I’ve begged him to stop being friends with, all ended up being shitty people. He said he should have trusted me. He said he’s trying to. 

But he keeps just telling me he loves her. 

How can I think that this came from somewhere other than her? But he won’t admit it. 

And he’s not being rational or fair to me. He just wants to be mad at me. 

I disagreed with him, and I said he’s been picking on this person unfairly. And in return he said that I always hate anyone he is friends with. 

What am I even supposed to do here? 

I can’t talk to a single damn person about this. I can’t tell anyone what happened. 

It’s not a rational line of thought! 

I know I’m not ok, I have been depressed but this is so unlike him. It’s 100% not normal behavior. And he’s had a head injury. They seem to think everything is fine, but… his neurology appointment is a video appointment and his primary care doctor keeps blowing off everything he asks them about. 

Posted 9/9/2023

(Clarification: This isn't happening often, maybe two or three times total so far. But it happens when he is angry, and I don't know if it is just the extreme stress we are under, has a physical health cause, or is from something else, like a tv show or a person he's talking to and the thought just stuck)

Honey Stitches Out. Sept 5 Tuesday 11 PM

 Sept 5 Tuesday 11 PM 

Honey had her stitches out today. 

The vet says there was no cancer in the outer edges of the piece they took from her around the lump. They got it all.  It should not come back. 

He says to keep a good eye on her and check for lumps regularly all over but that this cancer / tumor is DONE. 

She was so good and laid on her back very sweet and not worried at all to have her stitches taken out. 

She met Hannah the neighbor’s puppy up close today and they played a little. 

I moved my atomoxetine med to nighttime and I felt so much more clearheaded today (took it about 30 minutes ago) when I didn’t take it this morning. I wondered- I always feel ok in the morning and then after my meds I feel shitty. I’ve moved my thyroid medication to morning and my adhd med to nighttime. I hope that will be a decent switch and help me out. 

We watched the first Indiana Jones movie today. (The lost ark) 

I finished a cat o nine (+++ more than nine) tails flogger today. 

A lot of the floggers I’m working on need corsets still, and I need to roll and staple a lot of toys too. I at least want to finish what I have in progress before the event. 

R wants me to run another D&D session on Friday. I will have to take some time and do some research for that to happen. And make some decisions about his new god-gun. 

I got really heated and angry again today, and I asked to be in hush. It helped a lot because I was able to mostly just obey, and also my tone wasn’t causing problems. I kind of made other noises though sometimes so it wasn’t a true hush I guess. 

Time for bed!

Posted 9/9/2023

Tired Sept 4 Mon 11:55 PM

Sept 4 Mon 11:55 PM

Tired 

I’m exhausted today. I’ve been tired and fatigued a lot lately, but today was the worst so far. 

R has me “having tea” before I walk the dogs every day the past 4(?) day I think. It’s really good. I make a crazy breakfast for myself and I play hearthstone usually for about an hour, before I go do the rest of my day. 

But today I knew before I even walked the dogs that I wanted a nap. I had to drag myself out of bed and it was hard and I wasn’t even on my phone or distracted by anything. I was just so tired I couldn’t make myself move. 

I’m fighting my head- I want to quit my meds. I want to find out what my baseline emotions and energy and focus are / is before I continue doing all this stuff. I’m so so so tired of having my emotions and side effects and energy yo-yo’ed every day. 

I felt ok for like a week after I quit the Quelbree. Maybe it was because I still had it in my system, and the side effects weren’t as bad for a bit, but I didn’t feel so tired and sluggish until I started the Strattera / Atomoxetine again. 

I hate that I feel this way because I remember having an amazing month when I started it last time. My focus was good, I was achieving my goals, and I was waking up in the middle of the night and working on my writing for an hour or two every day. And I felt GOOD about it. 

Penny is starting to decline. She’s in pain a lot lately, panting all the time. I am afraid to have any more pain and trauma right now. I don’t know how I will cope. I’m not doing well. 

I’m forgetting important shit. 

Groceries, eating any meal other than breakfast (which means I’m not feeding R either), meds for R or the dogs, his coffee. 

Things that MATTER to me. 

I painted my Claugiyliamatar miniature today. I’m really satisfied with it. I think I did a really good job. 

And I don’t really feel any happiness from it. I don’t know what to do. 

I thought I should feel better, Relieved, that Honey is better. That we don’t have to worry about getting her chemo etc. 

My vending event is in 10 days. 

I have barely made any toys. 

I feel like I’ve been trying so hard to get to work on them, but somehow I’ve just completely disappointed myself and failed even the easiest goals and milestones. As tired as I am right now, I don’t know how I’m going to finish the toys I’ve started (they all still need corsets) much less make a bunch more.

Posted 9/9/2023

D&D VINCI, weapon: Whistle Sept 3 Sunday 11:50 PM

 Sept 3 Sunday 11:50 PM 

D&D VINCI, weapon: Whistle 

Played D&D, did a crafting session. Vinci crafted whistle. 

4 nat 20’s for 3 skill checks 

I’m so excited about this weapon. 

He used all three of his luck (feat) abilities, and rerolled a few 1s (halfling luck). He also had “triple advantage” for the last two rolls because of the first natural 20. 

His score total for each skill check was 50, 48 (50 bc he was getting Guidance from Gond/Cadence), and 50. 

Rolled 2 natural 20s (w triple advantage) on the last roll. 

It was a huge emotional session because the pressure was so much after the first Nat 20. He was worried about it. 

Posted 9/9/2023

Honey biopsy results (good) Sept 2 11:30 PM

11:40 PM 

Honey biopsy results (good)

Honey’s results came back today. 

They completely excised the tumor, it hadn’t metastasized. It was a low grade 2 tumor with a low mitotic count. That means it’s not aggressive, and very likely cured by being removed, as it didn’t have a chance to spread. 

We took her out to McDonald’s and got her a happy meal, played Pokémon Go (I hit lvl 47) and it was our 2nd Charizard community day. 

And we got a miniature for me to paint as Claugiyliamatar/ Camarata‘s human form from the game store. 

I’ve been more then usual forgetful lately. Forgetting that I hadn’t walked the dogs, mixing up medications sometimes, forgetting to use the bathroom when I wake up in the mornings. 

I can’t get it out of my head that I want to stop taking these meds. Want to stop taking meds to help me. I just want to figure out what my baseline is again so I know if it’s worth it to deal with all the side effects or if I am ok without it. I want to be me again. We had such a good day, but I feel so down tonight, since my nap. Since I was so hungry and then couldn’t eat my food, couldn’t eat my ice cream once it was in front of me. 

Posted 9/9/2023

Honey

12:30 AM

Honey 

Honey’s test results have not returned from the lab. They were due today. So it will be Monday before we hear anything. 

Tomorrow is Charmander community day classic. 

Relly will be getting a haircut. 

I hope we get condoms from the store (we used the last one today, sept 1). 

I hope to do D&D but it’s likely we will have to wait until Sunday before we can play again. I guess that gives me a bit of time to plan and figure out the intrigue etc.

Posted 9/9/2023

Vinci Campaign

Sept 2 Saturday

12:16 AM 

Vinci Campaign 

We played D&D today (yesterday) 

I had a lot of memory issues today. 

I had my tea as ordered before I walked the dogs, and then I forgot to walk penny until she reminded me. 

Anyway. We spent a lot of time getting the session started. Reviewing notes, writing down all of the stuff on the game calendar, and generally bringing the game and our memories of the game up to date. 

Last session Vinci and Olothontor spent 3 days using the Lyre of Building to build some of the main buildings and the foundations and plumbing and roads etc of Nightstone (or Arcanforge or X Name) and it was amazing and masterfully done. 

Kavalanoth and Claugiyliamatar (as the human Noblewoman Camarata) are supposed to meet, and we’ve started the meeting but not done anything for it yet. 

Vinci made a speech and invited the crafters from the Waterdeep Builders Guild to live and work in Nightstone. 

He went to Westerwheat and said hello to all his friends and the people he cares about. 

He teleported to Waterdeep and went to the meeting place. Kavalanoth had 4 agents waiting and watching, and Claugiyliamatar had 5. Vinci sent them all away one at a time as he saw them. 

K brought Cl a gift (something magical) and a bottle of wine (old and expensive). He knows she organized his “promotion” to Dragon Mage (holder of the staff of Bonks that allows dragons into Waterdeep). 

K is supposed to decide today whether he will accept Vinci’s job offer, and quit his new job. 

I’m so excited about all of the intrigue and STUFF.

Posted 9/9/2023

Nell, Continued Sept 1 2023 Friday

Sept 1 Friday 9 PM 

Nell, Continued 

I’m writing this late at night/ early morning (12 AM) on the 1st/2nd to try and keep my streak, and I actually only just finished my journal for the 31st. I didn’t properly end it, so here is more info. 

I told R if he wanted to collar N, that he would have to uncollar me. I said some very mean things about her, which I don’t actually feel. I don’t hate her. But I know that I cannot 100% CAN NOT be her friend or anything more because I physically and mentally suffer when I am involved in her life. I want her to have a good and happy and fulfilling life. I want her to learn and grow, but I know that I cannot be the one to teach her. She hurts me. I care too much about her to watch her ruin her own life and punish herself and keep making bad decisions, and keep dragging the people who care about her into her misery and drama-filled world. Every bad decision she makes causes me pain. Every time she puts herself into a position to be hurt by someone and refuses to stand up for herself causes me pain. Every time she says that she is not worthy of love, it stabs into my heart. Every time she disobeys it is blatant disrespect to me the the care I put into making that order or rule as a way to keep her safe. Yes I CARE about her. But I cannot put myself through that much pain and suffering trying to love someone when they don’t care enough to listen to what I’m saying, to learn from what I’m saying, to respect my boundaries, to obey orders or take advice that is meant to help them. 

Do I love her? Yes ffs I fucking love her. But I have to keep myself alive, and I did what I had to do to make that possible. 

Posted 9/9/2023