Anal tonight was awesome and pretty hard core.

When it was all over, I didn't want to take the pillow off my face. I didn't want to go back to being human again. It's not that I didn't want it to end yet, I haven't been getting pleasure from anal in the way I normally do. I haven't been gushing buckets from the anal lately. I have been enjoying the suffering and the service from the anal lately. 

I stayed under the pillow, and in my head for a few minutes after he went to the bathroom to clean up. 

I was thinking about how I want this, how important it is to me, but then I was distracted by a line from The Marketplace. "This is what you want? It doesn't matter what you want!" I wonder to myself, if I can't use the word want to describe it, then what do I say? Need? It's not a need, but if I didn't yearn for this, I wouldn't be here, doing this. The same as the slaves in the marketplace, if their wants don't matter, how did they make it to where they are? And another thought came to mind, "you do what you are." I don't know what it's from, but it works for me. But what do I even call what I am? The amounts of pain that I embrace and endure for myself and my master. 

I think that the amounts of pain I have stepped up to take, and the frequency that I am coming back to him for more, are slowly proving to him that this is something I need, and that I can take it. 

I loved that after I had mouthed off a little, he stepped up hard and really took pleasure in causing me pain, and took out his frustrations on me. I felt like I was almost making up for it, even though I wish I could stop doing it altogether, especially during sex. I also wish there was a position that we could both agree on. I always feel like he is trying to change a baby's diaper, only kind of backwards.