emotional

I know my feelings are overwhelming, and way too strong for the situation... if there even is a situation.
I feel useless. I feel like nothing I do will ever make a difference, at least in terms of cleaning house. I can't get it out of my head that he thinks I've "assimilated" the rest of the house. it hurts. What also hurts is that I know I'm going to make a change, but nothing is going to change with him. And no matter how many things I throw away, there is always going to be a mess. I want to be a neat person, and I hate myself for having so much junk and clutter and useless shit that I don't actually need, but I don't know how to be neat! No one ever taught me how to do any of the wifely things I want to do, that I'm supposed to do. I just want to scream and give up.
I keep trying to tell myself if I had more storage, proper storage I would be able to keep things clean, or neat. I know it isn't true. I have no clue what I'm doing, and there's nothing I can do to make it better!
So I'm cleaning, throwing away junk, and feeling absolutely out of control. I am beyond anxious, I am worried, I feel like I'm having a panic attack every time I walk into a new room, and I blame myself for every mess, every pile of papers, every pile of random leather stuff, every list of things I'm supposed to make but know in my heart I'll never do.

I want to cut, and then hide in my box.
I just keep telling myself that if I can keep cleaning until it's done, then I'll feel better.
I know I won't even finish, but I already feel like if I did, I wouldn't feel better.