Read this after we talk.

No, please, not the hood, not now! 

I squirmed and wiggled to try and get free but he was sitting on me, and forced the hood over my face. 

Hush.

I can't see, hear, speak. He put foam ear plugs in my ears before he put the hood on. 

The words I had just heard still echo in my head, and I can't escape them. 

No one missed you. 

It's overwhelming. I can't register, the pain, the solitude, the loneliness. 

These people, I care deeply for all of them. They inspire my life. Every single one of these people has shaped me in some way.

I am loved.i am cherished. I am important because I am part of something. 

No.

I am important because I am me. I am myself.

No one missed you.

I punch at the air, and come back empty.

The words break me and keep hitting, deeper and deeper.

These people influenced me. This room is full of the people who changed my life.

Who have I influenced? Who will never be the same now that they have met me? Will they be better or worse because of me?

I don't know. I can't know. 

Men who before only wanted sex and play now expect a relationship with a woman who looks up to them, but they don't see the effort that was put in by my husband, the things that caused my loyalty and admiration. They don't want or know how to put in that effort. They just expect a perfect partner.   And suddenly, they expect love. 

What have I done? Have I ruined these men? Will they ever figure out life, and how it works? Will they ever treat a woman right because of me? Have I made a positive or negative impact?

How can I be better? 

My head spins and I am crying, kneeling on the floor, begging to be useful. 

I need to know that what I do makes the world better, but there is no way to know. 

Words point to faith. 

Am I a five year old, having a tantrum, screaming "but I want it now!" ?

I need to know that my life will mean something good. 

Proverbs 31: 10-31

These are the words I live by.