I've been really emotional lately. I'm not even bleeding yet and I'm out of my mind moody. Think it's because carly is on her period.

finished cateloging the LHC stuff. today.




Carly got in big trouble today. I should have been in big trouble, but he's easier on me when he's actually being strict and structuredness. Also i think i looked really pathetic when he came in to punish me for being angry at major and pointing a knife at his had when he was holding my hair.

carly was supposed to interview major for a leather essay that she has due in 23 hours. he's been over the past 2 days in a row, and she hasn't asked him question 1 yet. She also forgets a lot of stuff she's supposed to do, and then thinks that she shouldn't get in trouble because  she's bitchy enough to intimidate people. So she did lots of push ups and he lectured her a long time. He listed stuff I'd even forget she was supposed to do. I was scared. Not bad I guess, but I felt guilty because he doesn't get that strict with me and i feel like I deserve it more than she does because she can't help it that she's stupid sometimes.


I actually know what needs tobe done and rite lists and double check it and still don't journal every day.

I realize at the end of the night that the dogs weren't walked as often as they should have been.

my mage hit 90 today, that's #3.

And Master is right, I should, I do know better.


OK, he's done pooping. it's time for bed now.

Essay assignment: My leathers.

My Boots 12-27-2011

They smell so good, they're knee-high, they have laces, buckles and no zipper so that every time I put them on I am reminded of what they mean, the time and effort and discipline that goes into the leather lifestyle. They lace all the way up the front, and then there are five buckles that go over the laces. They are of course black, no shine (yet, there will be soon), heavy, durable, hard core, and totally kick-ass boots. Also, they smell good (better than a new car). The soles are an inch thick with screws in the bottom to keep the sole secure. They are also acid (and a bunch of other stuff) resistant, so I can pretty much walk everywhere, which is good, because I am expected to follow the lead of my Master, which can take me some pretty crazy and kick-ass places.

My boots are also my first piece of earned leather. They were presented to me by SargentMajor, who just yesterday placed me under his collar of protection. He is my Master's leather brother, and as such, is kind of like my "Uncle Major" in a way. He says I earned them. Coming from someone who knows me as well as he does, that means a lot to me.

My boots were presented by SargentMajor, but they were gifted by both SargentMajor and my Master, Relly. Of course, it was a total secret and surprise to me, because unlike me, they both have awesome poker faces and are good at keeping secrets.

Leather takes a lot of work. It has to be treated, it has to be kept clean, taken care of, shined, and respected. Some may even go so far as to say that you can build a relationship with it, and get to know it. If you don't take care of it, it deteriorates, but if you do put in the time, the effort, and the respect, it will take care of you, too. This also applies to the leather lifestyle.

I have grown a lot in the past few years. I've tried a lot of things that scare the shit out of me, and (with a lot of help from my leather family) gotten out of my comfort zone, pushed some hard limits, and learned a lot. I tried needles, waterboarding, entered a title competition, got my ears pierced for the first time ever (this was one of the things that really turned out well in the long run, and I love them so much), and Master and I are even considering getting me a few other piercings. Now, the things I listed are mostly the kink part, the play stuff, the fun. But I have also learned a lot about people, about safety, about relationships, trust, hard work, respect, and dependability. I'm not going to list the things I've done, because that's not something to be pointed out. That's my responsibility to the community, it's not something special, I feel like it's my job. Who I am is what's important. If I give my word, it reflects on me, my Master, and our group, Kinky Catawba. I do my best to be dependable, honest, and supportive of the people around me.

My boots mean to me:

People respect me.
People see me as a leader, even though I don't do the "public speaking thing."
I'm officially a part of the community now!
I'm doing something right, so I should keep doing it.
Next time I really will kick D_C's ass, with these kick-ass boots. ;)
I'm going to learn how to shine boots now.
I own these. Master allows me to own these. (That brings the butterflies the most.)
So much that I can't put into words right now.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Blog entry on leather vest. (July 5, 2013 - Master officially gave me my leather vest today)

---------------------------------------------
My boots were officially given to me in December of 2011. I was so proud at first, and then the happiness slipped into sadness and regret. See, they're too small for me, and it makes me feel as if they were never really mine to begin with. They are beautiful, and they represent to me the hard work and the love and effort and time that I have poured into the community, but they have also come to represent the feeling of not fitting in to our community, and the feeling of not being noticed, or important. When I acknowledge these feelings instead of bury them, it also makes me feel as if I don't deserve my boots in the first place. I now have boots that are to represent the boots given to me by my Master and Major, and they are the style I have worn as long as I can remember, they are comfortable, they fit me, and they make me feel safe. But I still feel like something is missing, like I don't deserve them, maybe because of the very fact that i doubt myself.

Since the original writing about my boots, I have been not only learning, but teaching. I have helped bring people into the lifestyle and shown them where to go and what to do next. I have learned more about making toys, and actually started to like some of the things that i make.

My vest was officially given to me on July 5th, 2013. I'd had it for a very long time before that, but it was only to keep my buttons on, and show my slave status. At one time, my Master was very clear that it was not my vest, that he had something specific in mind for me to accomplish/learn before it would be mine. A short while later, he said that it had become mine and he had changed his mind on the requirements. This didn't feel right to me, but I didn't argue with him, i just kept my feelings to myself. It didn't seem right to tell him it wasn't mine when he said it was, even though it hadn't been given to me. About a year later I woke up crying about my vest, and my biggest fear was that I wouldn't feel as if I had a right to it if someone challenged me on my ownership of it, that i would embarrass my master and disagree with him. That day He officially presented me with my vest. In his eyes i had already earned it, but he knew that I needed it the assurance that it was actually mine. I am now confident in my vest and proud to wear it. I don't doubt myself or drag my feet when he wants me to wear it to events. I know that this represents who I am, where I've been, and reaffirms my slavery to me and those around me.

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Scene with Major, and carly cooks chicken

I got beat today. Major came over for chicken that carly made, and we ended up playing. It was so much fun! Well. It hurt a lot, but I liked it. (susy)  Carly was really grumpy today, even though he let her sleep til 4pm.Carly set stuff on fire inside the microwave. It made the house smell bad forever. BUT it was SO YUMMY

It was our day off today, because we worked so hard for MAsT -- to get the house clean and perfect looking and set up auctions. It was a good day off.


9 pushups this morning,  at Master
21 tonight.  At myself for having to yellow, twice, the 2nd one ending the scene.

30 pushups today



More on the scene tomorrow when I have my computer.

MAsT

MAsT today, Lots of work went into the house to make mast a success. Master was very distant directly after MAsT though. We bickered at each other at night when he took carly to get some food.

I was really hurt about it. my blog post (that didn't go through because I never sent it since there's no point if blogger isn't receiving anything from my phone anyway) went as follows:

I'm not bad, or disrespectful, or lazy or passive aggressive or bitchy or irresponsible. I know I have been a good girl today. I am not going to stop doing what I know I should be doing. I am a good girl.
(And if it makes it more dramatic, add in that I was crying while writing this.)

He told us that we would have tomorrow off, but honestly I don't see what difference it makes. Things still have to get done.

From my phone. 9/20/13

Carly woke up as soon as I turned on the light this morning. I'm really proud of her! She's been up and doing her chores since I woke her up, and she even straightened her hair.

I don't plan on waking Master up. I'm going to let him sleep in because he is still sick and needs as much rest as his body will let him have. I know it makes him feel like he's missing everything, because he's always sleeping, but he needs sleep to get better, and this is maybe the second day he's been able to sleep restfully since we've been to the emergency room. 

Pushups today.

19 + 6 = 25  2:00 PM
8 before midnight.

33 Push Ups today


From now on, I am under the Standing Order to do push ups when I am unable to control my temper with Carly. Both of us do push ups, if I am angry because she was disrespectful.


Honestly though, I think it helps give me an emotional release, but I'm not sure it will calm me down. But I guess at that point it's already an admittance that I am not able to teach or train her at that point.

Master cheered up tonight. We watched a movie and all cuddled and ate ice cream - we bought a big tub of cookies and cream and made s'mores. We watched ocean's 11. The grocery shopping was difficult, and carly drove there.

We're trying to get back on schedule.  It's 9:00 something and I'm wide awake. Carly slept late today, and Master is still wandering around the house half asleep as well. He's trying to get an appointment this week. If they can't do anything else for him, maybe they could at least get him something for the mood and behavior changes. He's been so sad lately. Last night was the first time in a week he's been happy. 

9/16 from phone. never published.

I am afraid. I am afraid because he is sick and i can't help him. I am afraid because I always need him more.

Almost got in trouble today, because I literally refused to go play WoW when Master told me to. I folded laundry first, because I was afraid it would pile up, and then I went and played. I've been playing since we got home from trying to dispel Master's restlessness. He doesn't feel well yet.

I made cornbread today. Twice. The first one was really tasty, but was small, and crumbled immediately. The second one looks more like cornbread and stayed together, but didn't really have much taste.

Master doesn't feel well.

My Master loves me.


I am tired. I am overwhelmed. I am about to break. I will not break. My Master needs me.

I hope he feels better when he wakes up!

I think he will like the new patch. I only saw part of it, but i really really think he will like it.

9/14 from phone - never published.

I keep going to take my birth control and forgetting. Also I really want to journal but it feels hard to find time.

9/13 from phone, never published

Canella heating and air truck has driven by three times while I've been walking Penny.

Things I'm currently worrying about. -Lauren

1) Pregnancy. What if I missed taking pills for a week longer than I meant to when Carly got here? I woke up sick last night. I've been having other small changes with my body. If I'm pregnant, what if i hurt it by taking birth control?
2) I dreamed last night that you died. It's the second time in a week.
3) I stink and feel gross and unpretty. none of my outfits will go together like I imagine in my head. Also, i hate hugging people when i know I smell bad.
4) The power cord and foot pedal for my sewing machine is probably going to be around $50. So either we spend a lot of money on it, or it's useless.
5) The allergy pills alone aren't working, and it wears me down physically to itch and blow my nose 24/7. Probably adds dehydration, which may be why i feel so tired.
6) My foundation doesn't match my face, but it's expensive, so I know I can't ask for it.
7) I have been getting away with the things Carly is being punished for. I missed journalling I think 2 days, and when you were yelling at her for being out of uniform, I went to the bedroom and changed into uniform. I've been waiting for a time to tell you, but I also keep forgetting. I'm worried that when i do tell you, you'll be upset.
8) Money. This is always on the list. But we're a lot tighter this month than normal. And we have an extra mouth to buy straightening irons for.
9) I miss my closet/ being tied to the bed at night/bondage things.
10) I'm afraid that you'll take this as bitching, and not realize that I'm trying to be open with you in the way that I am required by my rules.  I want to memorize my rules again.
11) I want to squirt more and I need practice. Which probably means anal. Which scares me a little even though i like it a lot.
12) Lace is worried you're still mad at her for the night you didn't finish the bedtime routine.

"Master is considering allowing Major to use my snap and hush commands to help me relax/let go when we play."

I went to visit major for several hours on tuesday. We played, wrestled and stuff. I've been very overwhelmed and burdened lately, and Master wanted me to be able to relax for a little bit. I've really missed him, and we had a lot of fun. I still couldn't get everything out of ym head though. After I came back hoe, we talked a lot about what's going on with me, adn He helped me feel a lot better.

Yesterday, Master and i spent the day together.

9/12 from phone - never published

My head is pounding. I think it's allergies.

Pictures of recent projects

Life can be really rough, but especially when we're tired.

Master and I got into a fight last night, and it is my personal opinion that we both said and did some petty things. I felt that I only acted in response to the way i was treated, and felt that was fair. I still feel as if i was pushed past my limits on purpose, and then punished for breaking. I am calm writing this. It isn't intended to be spiteful, snarky, or blaming. I am trying to summarize what happened and how I feel in regards to it. He only popped me on the mouth. He grabbed me and rolled me over and popped me on the mouth. I saw a flash though, and that scared me. I just knew something had broken or been damaged. He dared me to say something else and I wanted to scream at him, but my brain took over and kept saying be quiet, don't move. I just kept seeing it over and over. Be quiet, don't move. He kept pushing me, even after everything was over. I had some time on my stomach with my face in the pillow, and I felt warm roll down my face. It surprised me because I didn't think i was crying, but I kept feeling warm drip down my cheek. He said he was going to leave. I waited. Be quiet, don't move. He made me roll over and asked all kinds of questions. Was i sorry, was he right, did I understand, was i lying, did i want him to hold me, did i want to be alone. I answered one out loud and then I couldn't say the others. I was so angry and scared at the same time. I wanted to scream that i was going to cut, and I fully planned to, which is why I didn't say anything. My scissors are on the desk, and i wanted them near me. I just tried to do and say the right things, and I did everything right, even though i couldn't look at him, until he kissed me. I couldn't kiss him back. His voice got dangerous again. I couldn't think of anything except I'm sorry, I wasn't ready, do it again, and I couldn't bring myself to say it. I finally (as he was getting more angry with me) thought to say that my mouth hurt. At some point I asked him to leave since he'd told me I could sleep alone, and he left angry and said (as if I'd planned it) "you know I don't have anywhere to sleep, right?"
I showered, put on pajama pants with a drawstring, put on my leather cuffs that make me feel safe, got my wolf stuffed animal and held it, and slept like that. He came in again and i tried to say i was sorry for making him not have a place to sleep. I don't remember much else.

I swore I would be angry when i woke up. And i was for a little bit. I was angry while I put on a tank top and not a t-shirt, and when I put on my collar, and when I thought about not waking up carly so she would get in trouble... But I got up, fulfilled my responsibilities, and tried to look out for my sister, who can get in enough trouble on her own. I made the coffee special.   I 100% know that my Master was calm while i was punished. I wasn't, but he was.  And I am his property, that is true as well. I feel that for what I did, I was correctly punished. But I feel that it was completely unnecessary.


And i am hurt that when he woke up the next morning he still blamed lace. I wanted, I desperately wanted him to wake up and say I'm so sorry, I didn't finish it. i was so tired, and I should never have done it if i was going to call you my submissive, here, let me make it right. I NEEDED last night to be special, since the night before was so broken. Instead, my routine was glanced over in the middle of an argument so he could go play with legos and snuggle carly. And I was harshly scolded for expecting my needs to be filled -- because I'm a slave and he isn't required to give me anything.

I'm not angry right now, but so much damage has been done. I dread going to bed tonight. I'm already tired, but I dread the arguments we've been having nightly.

I would very much like some quiet, calm discussion about our nights and what we can do to keep them from becoming the time when we take out all our frustrations from the day on each other.




I found this The Prime Directive on fetlife, and it rambles a lot but has some very important points.

"It is the primary responsibility of the slave to protect the master’s property at all times, up to and including protecting the property from their master."


'How elegant it is when the person who owns you says, “You are mine. And as my property, and the most precious property I could possibly be pleased to own, your first job is to maintain my property. To be transparent with me, to tell me honestly how you are, to share with me when you are struggling: this is how you please me. And furthermore? NOT telling me if you are troubled or struggling is in direct conflict with my wishes.”'

I thought the bottom one might be important to explain to carly that she needs to take care of herself. And maybe about her responsibilities in our house etc. 

Don't wake me when you come back in.

A submissive is someone who lets another specific person or group of people tell her what to do. She does this because she enjoys serving or making this person happy. She can serve a specific function, like sexually pleasing, or she can serve generally by just following commands.  Being a submissive can be a role-playing, part time role, or it can be a full-time, serious role. It is not easy to listen to another person all the time. It is very hard, especially when one or both parties is angry, wrong, or just plain does not feel like fulfilling their role or duties to each other. Since submission is giving over a part of oneself to another, it is necessary that the submissive fully trust and respect the dominant. Without that trust and respect for the other person, neither the submissive nor the dominant can fully commit to the power exchange part of the relationship. One doubting the other can cause the entire relationship to falter. A full time D/s relationship, while more serious, is not without it's own types of play and fun. While the "yes sir's" are full time instead of on the weekends and during sex,

--I don't know a lot about having fun and play in a submissive role yet. I was asking more questions about that, but kyle says there are. ---


Claire

9/8 from phone. never published

We talked about the last time I came out, before we were married. I think Kyle likes me a little more now. -claire

Links to my exercise essay research

What level of exercise to start at, what type of food to eat beforehand, what level of exercise to do.
http://www.fitwatch.com/faqs/activityfaq.html  --- finished---

http://www.acefitness.org/fitnessqanda/default.aspx
http://www.acefitness.org/fitnessqanda/fitnessqanda_display.aspx?itemid=368
http://www.acefitness.org/fitnessqanda/fitnessqanda_display.aspx?itemid=264


What type of exercise should I do?
http://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/exercise-fitness-frequently-asked-questions


Questions to answer in my exercise essay:
Should an overweight person start working out slowly?
Should an overweight person do a specific type of exercise to begin?
What types of food should you eat before PT?
What is the best time of day to PT?


The best routine for exercise.

1. Warm-up (walk around or start the activity at a slow pace for about five minutes to get your heart rate up)
2. Stretch
3. Exercise
4. Cool-down (a reverse warm-up; you want to bring your heart rate down)
5. Stretch again

If you have not exercised in a while, you should take a rest day at least every other day until you feel ready. 

If your weight does not change immediately, do not be discouraged. It is often the last thing to change when getting back onto shape. The first things to change are often resting heart rate (which will be lower with improvement), body measurements (which will decrease gradually if you are trying to lose weight since you will also be gaining muscle), ease in completing the same task (you can do more, faster, better), and clothes or jewelry may become loose. 

9/7 from phone. never published.

10 pushups in the bedroom this morning.

9/7 from phone. never published

The master bathroom is organized, but probably still needs actual cleaning. I need to replace towels, and wipe down surfaces.

9/7 from phone. never published.

My essay is done. Yay. Also I'm following my Daddy down the street.

9/7 from phone. never published.

I feel very accomplished today. finished 2 big projects and still have daylight to work on my toys if daddy lets me

And i am so glad that I was wearing pants when I just had that extremely embarrassing wet fart containing Jeremy's cum and some of my internal tissue explode in my panties. Also, I'm sadly still on my period, and I have one tampon left in this box.  Good thing I start my pills tomorrow.

Also, I think we should definitely be keeping a closer eye on Carly's eating habits. I suspect she may have neglected eating previously as well.

Working on a flogger, adn i am also teaching carly how to make one. i'll be taking pictures before bed, i hope :)

I have noticed that Master has told her not to sit on the furniture, but has never actually made it a rule for me, that I not sit on the furniture. Just wanted that on the record.

<3 br="">

Sex with Mikkal, post by Lace

Two days ago, Master scened with carly. She was back and forth between her happy and her shrug, whatever, if you say so mood. She needed aftercare and snuggly things. So He watched a movie with her. Timmy had promised Candy sex, so we went to bed after midnight, feeling let down but mostly just grumpy because I was tired and menstruating. At some point, He woke me up and was trying to talk to me and explain things and ask me questions. All I really noticed was that the hand he was holding ym face with smelled like syrup, and Since he was very nearly trapping me in my corner on my side of the bed by the wall, I couldn't escape his bad breath. I kept trying to just let him talk (and hell, he would not stop talking) and nod so he would leave me alone and let me sleep, but he kept talk. i growled at him, and after a minute he backed off a bit, but still expected reasonable responses and conversation and for em to actually know what he was saying, and i started to wake up a bit. I think I cried.  

He told me he was going to ask something very difficult of me. He told me that when i was ready and in a comfortable position, he was going to put me in hush, and snap (my do not move/doll position) until morning. That i would sleep in that position. That if I had an emergency, or needed to use the bathroom, that was OK. Blowing my nose did not count as an emergency, I would just have to deal with it. When the alarm went off, He would roll over and release me from snap, but not from hush. i would not be allowed to speak until i had brought His coffee. Then He would release me from hush. I felt immediately loved and comforted and undeniably horny. I found a comfortable position, and made sure that I told him I loved Him before I said i was ready. He says that He slept for about 30 minutes before he rolled over, but all I know was that I had just moved for the first time, unable to hold it when He rolled over and let me out of the position. He asked about sex. I said I really didn't want to give a blowjob, and I would settle for His cum in my pussy, but I really wanted anal. He said "I can do that" and then "I'm going to destroy you." 

When everything was ready, He put me in position and then snapped his fingers. "Don't make a sound, don't push against me, and don't fucking move. Take it." No foreplay, He just fucked me in the ass. Probably harder than he ever has.   --- somehow he fucked me in the cunt first, but all i remember of that was being in so much pain, and being forced to ask for it over and over ---   He kept fucking me harder and making me almost scream and then telling me to be quiet and stay still and take it. And making me ask for pain. I started to enjoy it right after He buckled down to come. I begged him to wait. He asked what i would do. I was trying to get it out, and he said I'll bet you'd suck your ass off my cock, wouldn't you? I said i would, and he laughed and called me a whore. I kept begging anyway. And then when he said alright and started trying to help me, I couldn't feel His cock anymore. he folded me even tighter to him and was really railing me, the urgency was crazy- and then i felt water rushing down my stomach, a LOT of it. I was so happy and he was too. i started smiling and laughing and thanking Him. 

Then we got up earlyish and took carly to an interview, then we took my nana shopping. then we came home and slept all ngiht after playing lots of wow.  I rolled a worgen warlock. Named Lace. 

Today we have played lots of wow.

Also, Master decided to use me for sex in the shower.  smile-shrug. It contents me.  (this sentence was Susy)

It's almost time for bed again. I'm tired and sleepy. 

Note to self. Patent a sleeping bag dog bed. Sleeping bag with pillow sides

I keep thinking of the times we slip away just to be close to each other and it makes me love him even more

9/4 from phone. never published

We cannot spend more after today until we pay our bills. Not maybe, cannot.

Master and carly scened tonight. mikkal came out, and i was instantly reminded and then over and over again home much I'd missed him. Fuck I've missed him.

Timmy promised Candy they would have sex tonight. It's midnight. I'm basically calling it, and heading to bed.



Don't let carly forget to set her alarm, I won't be there to wake her up tomorrow.  Also, I would like to request a mushroom and cheese omelet if she has time in the morning. those things are fucking 'licious.

Jeremy is out, we're supposed to leave soon, and i haven't even brushed my hair. Claire is gonna freak

My list of essays so far

with links on blogger

Long Term Aftercare

Scene Prep

Choosing a Play 

My Ideal House

Objectification vs. Humiliation

Objectification

Short How-To List of Negotiations

A Synonym for Appreciate 

Gor

And more Gor links and info

Had sex last night. I wanted to come, but I asked him not to let me. For being on my period, it felt great! We had sex with the lights on, and it started with a blowjob. Sex really helps me. It helps the pain, and also gives me some of the affection I need too.


Yesterday went well once everyone woke up and started communicating more openly. Also it was the first good day Master has had (with headaches) since Ryven came to live with us. They snuggled last night! It's really good to see that we're all getting comfortable with each other. He gave us treats for working together so well yesterday.

Ryven makes the best omelet I've ever had!!! It's so delicious.  
      Also though, I had pain pills plus alcohol right before so I was feeling really yummier than normal. My period started rough this time but it hasn't been hurting me as much since. I am bleeding in chunks though.

I'm so happy!!!!!!!!

We have to pay bills today, and do family maintenance. Also (Standing Order) the living room is supposed to be clean every morning.



OK, I have a lot to do.

I also want to do the exercise essay on paper. Not online. I like having my essays on paper.  Easier to find that way.

Started my period this morning.

I'm supposed to clean the living room, fold clothes, and clean the Master bathroom today.

We were given permission to sleep until 1:15 PM today. we went to bed around 2AM, when the internet decided to slow down to  pt pt pt nothing.  I woke up at ten.

Master and i went to bed upset with each other again. It's when I wish the hardest that I had my closet.

The munch went well.

Our dinner was 20. Only had a few at the munch. It was a good group though.

petty shit

9AM - We're all supposed to wake up. I get up, begin chores
10AM - I wake up Master. He wakes up carly.  We eat breakfast. She won't eat.
11AM Both Master and Carly are back in bed.


They're both mad at each other. What he perceived as sullen and defiant could have been just plain tired. What she perceived as him getting angry and storming to his room could have been him trying to buy time to figure out how to start today. They're both tired, stressed, and in a new situation they've never been in before. They're both a little scared, and need things from each other. He needs form her the touch that i need from him. She says she needs strict guidelines and expectations of what she's supposed to do. And then there's the thing they won't admit they both need; sleep.

So i'll do what I can around the house while I have some time to myself, and hopefully a clean surrounding will help ease some of the tension. I don't know what else to do.  I just wish they would both be a little more clear with each other about their expectations, and respectful of each other.

My ass hurts. Also my shoulders and ribs from my workout. I woke up at 9, journalled, walked the dogs, and started coffee. Couldn't get carly up.

Sex with Jeremiah

After a long and stressful day, and a long a stressful conversation with Jeremiah about love and sex, and how I wasn't going to have it with him, Master comes out and we talk about it as well. I am basically seeping sexual frustration, and we start to bicker. I go get my leather cuffs and the double release latch and cuff my hands behind my back and lay there. (I'm so glad Master-at-arms fixed them!) After His headache lets up, he gives me pain, and helps me to calm down. He takes advantage of my hands being cuffed behind me, and helps himself to my mouth. Then he asks when I am going to have sex with Jeremiah. "never without your permission." I am told that Jeremiah has his full permission tonight, and we're going to set a few things straight.

(At this time, Emily is not allowed to have sex with Jeremy. Claire will if she wants to, it's not like she listens to Kyle or really cares. It's unclear if the order only applies to Emily or not. Phiar also wants to have sex with him. The whole random strangers thing, you know.)

I am manhandled into position and fucked. The sex was great, it really was. Jeremy used the creepy voice from The Killer Inside Me movie the whole time. Took his time with me. Gave me a hickey. Didn't take his time when he put it in my ass. I was asking for pain, and nothing he did was enough at the time. until that. He pretty much went all the way in on the first try, and then pulled back out. I rolled over on my side until the pain stopped enough for me to stop begging. We kept going anal. I think my brain stopped working somewhere in here. I kept going back and forth between begging him to stop when I got close, and telling him when I was going to be close to coming soon. Having my hands cuffed behind me really really helped intensify everything and also relax me.  After, he double penetration fingered me.   I wanted to jump on and ride the emotional worthless train all the way down, like I sometimes do, but he took me around the house, talking calmly about what we had accomplished, and made me feel valuable. He said that the others didn't always say it, but that he wanted me to know he knows how hard I'm working to keep everything together. And he loves me.

And then he grabbed my entire leg and tried to sleep with it. At first he only did it to mess with me, and it was very sexually charged and i was losing my mind horny over it. The drier malfunctioned, and the buzzer went off for a really long time. I tried to get out from under him and couldn't. He was asleep. I tried to get out from under him gently, but he had my ENTIRE leg under him like a cuddle blanket. He finally let me have it back and said that's fine, but i'm keeping this foot and the pretty toes. NO! so he tells em I'm irritating the piss out of him but lets me have my foot back.
NEXT he grabs an open soda, and drinks some, and then "props it up with 3 points of pressure" on his pillow on our new mattress. I wait until the snoring starts to try and put it back on the table. He snaps at me, takes a sip and leaves it exactly in the same place. A canned drink, hovering above our 2 day old mattress, "safe" on my Master's pillow (that pillow is the next thing on the list below himself in his priorities. Sometimes I wonder if it's above me!) and i'm just supposed to go to sleep? We argue over it. He calls me annoying again. He finally puts the drink back on the table. He said "I'm not STUPID." In my infinite wisdom, I say "when you're tired, you are."
The last thing I heard before falling asleep last night was "fuck you."

He mumbled in his sleep, "Baby, it's 12:34, kiss me."  Even though I knew it was way past midnight, I kissed him.

I dreamed I was in my parents house as a kid, and Danny called on the phone to tell me he was watching me. Twice.

long long day

We spent a lot of money today, but we really got to know carly a lot better. I really think she's going to fit in really well. She is polite, helpful, willing to submit, and I think we can help her. She cried today when Master and I argued- she's been through a lot. She helped me when master had some issues with his headache and seizures. She reacts calmly and can take care of him if I'm not there. I trust her to be able to do the right thing, and it allows me to step up and take care of the social aspect while she takes care of him.

We picked up some clothes for carly, and a lot of tank tops for me, as well as a carly closet for her clothes and dresses.

We had a family meeting. I think it would have gone better if Master had waited a day or two, but we also need to step right into protocols and expectations. It's hard to be able to get both. Also, I am a little worried that he is treating her more like a slave than a submissive. Marriage and physical intimacy isn't the only difference. She should be getting more out of it as well. Having more fun, and such. I think that she should have a little more say in her surroundings, and rules and such. But that's my opinion. I obviously can't dictate my Master's actions.

Went to the flea market, the mall, goodwill, wendy's, and burger king.


Standing Orders: 

From now on the household will get up at 900 hours. We will take care of the household responsibilities, PT, eat breakfast, and get dressed for the day.  Then... idk. But that's what we have so far.