Waited for hours at the VA today because we were 15 minutes late and the dr was overbooked. He got His cast off and a walking boot put on. He had a seizure at the VA. I have been cramping my entire cycle, and my back started hurting last night. Pain pills have been completely useless. It's not always an extreme pain, but it's always here. I can't get past it I'm hurting. The only things that help are sex, rubbing, and pain. I felt better for a little when I was around Cheshire and Kit, but I thought I was going to get pain from them, also before they were talking to me I had a drink; some alcohol. I want pain. i need pain. I have been begging for pain my entire cycle. I hoped that Major would play with me since Master is not going to. That got shot to hell. I'm trying to cope with it, but I know I'm not taking it well. It's so hard to watch Him give someone else what I've been begging for when I realize I'm going to be left out again. What hurt the most at the electric munch was that He acts like it's His job to run away and socialize and only speak to me when He's telling me what to do or in a condescending tone or way. I felt like he ran off to play and forgot about me unless it was convenient.
I want to go in a corner, curl up and cry forever, where no one can see or hear me.
Oh shit, He doesn't have His pills and we're spending the night.
It doesn't hurt for me to watch her scene. I love watching them. What hurts is that I'm cramping and really want the play that they're having. It's an amazing connection. BUT I feel like I wouldn't be able to handle what he's doing to her even from anyone. I hate that feeling! I'm in so much pain, but it's so fun to watch. I know our scen wouldn't be this good. That hurts. I need pain, too.
I'm so proud to have Him as my Master.
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