pain-starved rambles

I don't like showing that I like the pain. I know that sadists enjoy the pain part. AND I LOVE being the torn abused useless hated unwanted stupid USED victim.  VICTIM. I love the thought of being beaten against my will. The thought of being forced to do things I don't want, to have words forced out of me. To be forced into lies that I know aren't true, to live and follow them for as long as I'm told to, made to. It's so hard to force the words out of myself, but that is the humiliation that I love and crave. I need to think that those lies are going to become real. I need the (not a mindfuck) playing and toying with the inside of my head. I need to realize a different reality. I love the rape play, and realizing at the last minute that I can't fight them off before they come inside me is so terrifying and real. it is an amazing turn-on, even as my mind screams and begs NO, my body opens up and betrays everything I really want deep down inside myself.