List of Fantasies to write

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Moving (Sat)

Went to the flea market yesterday. Bought razors and gun.

Spent yesterday hanging out with Matt. Had fun.

I masturbated with toys last night per orders.

I think I left my clipboard at chili's yesterday.

Been thinking about the move a lot. We'll have to buy:
A shower curtain and rod x2
vacuum cleaner
dishwasher packs
groceries
laundry detergent

AND we'll have to figure out how to move the washer/drier from nana's and the futon from grandma and grandpa's before we move the kinky stuff.
Chair from mom's house.

Bought Luke an $80 train set for only $40 yesterday. Luke doesn't get to play with it until we've moved, though.

Maybe i'll get to snuggle/play with Major soon.

How-To on Negotiations: footnotes

Negotiations

1) health issues
2) Hard limits
3) safe-word
4) type of play
5) Other - toys/music/ aftercare/ sex

To Do

To do:
Relly Haircut
Major haircut
Pay rent/get house key
decide on a date to visit mom
laundry
print out and read over novel so far - organize?
buy needle for sewing leather
finish a flogger, even a small one

Write a how to on negotiations (next munch will be on negotiations)
1) health issues
2) Hard limits
3) safeword
4) type of play
5) Other - toys/music/ aftercare/ sex

put trash bags in bathroom/bedroom
talk about my issue masturbating

Home Today

Kit and I scened again last night. We didn't do impact again, but we wrestled and did pressure points again. It was so much fun. I pulled a muscle in my left shoulder when wrestling. I didn't submit to him, but Candy came out, so he stopped because she was fighting really hard (he was trying to put us under by suffocation). She didn't understand at first that it was just play, we didn't want to go under/be choked out and she took that seriously. We took a five minute break and then did pressure points for almost two hours. I felt so amazing. He found a point on my legs that makes me feel like I'm coming. Fortunately Master had mercy and fucked me after the whole scene was over. He didn't let me come, but I still felt awesome after. The kit and I cuddled again. Phiar came out and they talked for a while. Turns out kit "went to 100% when she bit me" and she left a bruise/sore place on his neck. Phiar plans on getting more time in with Major to get some tips/training so that she can do better. She trusts Major's skills and judgement more, has more respect for his knowledge. We all do. Playing with kit was fun, but it reminded me of how much I miss playing with Major. The connection is much better with Major. Kit is better at pressure points, but I really trust Major more for edgeplay.

Our move is in a few days.

*SIGH* I't sso nice to have shaved.

I was able to masturbate with a toy yesterday! Master told me to, and it really allowed me to relax and enjoy it. The main thing that helped was thinking " He may not be getting pleasure from it, but if I'm less annoying, it's still something he wants."

Arm Bar

I have feelings, Daddy and I don't know how to deal with them. They're not even mine but I feel so... I feel like I've done something wrong for having them. Guilty, dirty, gross. Poisoned.

I wanted You to hug me and make all the bad feelings go away! (Candy)

I hate him for making me feel so vulnerable. It was so easy for him to hurt me, he didn't even have to put in any effort! I love a challenge, but this wasn't a challenge, it was as if I was a child, weak and defenseless. I wanted to leave as soon as I knew, but it was painful, and I wouldn't put her through that. I left when the pain stopped, but she caught the wave of emotions I was experiencing - I'd started crying before I left. I hate him for being so cocky, and overconfident all the time, acting like he knows everything about fighting, but most of all for being right - about taking me down. It really makes me wonder how helpless I would really be. I feel like all my own confidence is gone.  (Phiar)

I made perfect pancakes and no one really cared, same as when I fixed kit's kitchen, I keep trying to please and impress my Daddy. I really want His hugs, praise, and cuddles.

I wish He would read my blog every day. I'm supposed to write every day (Rule 8).

@ kit's house

Still at Kit's house. He's probably going to trick (ish) Master into staying another night. Kit says he plans on pulling out the video games right before the go-home threshold so we stay again.

I hate that I slouch.

Scened with kit last night. It was a lot of fun.

I love that I can wear my comfy clothes multiple days when I stay at a friend's house.

Kit is learning a lot about our personalities. it's funish, but a little weird. We're more comfortable with each other than I thought we would be.

Did I mention that Kit gave me a computer? I can play WoW on it and d/l musics! :) :) :) happy dance. I'm very excited to move my stuff onto it from my laptop.  -- Been downloading songs for a few hours, and am sorting through a lot of it now. Some is cool, I'm finding songs I don't like, that I have to delete.

Went grocery shopping this morning with Kit while Master slept. I started feeling weak, and lightheaded, so much so that lauren came out. She asked for a yogurt, and we ate that on the way home. It helped a little, but I wasn't completely better until after we ate for real.

I've been playing WoW a lot, but I'm getting to the point of boredom and wanting company.

Goals and blog

I want to reinstitute:

• Thank Master for all punishments received.
• Stop throwing tissues on the floor.
• Time management (Note by Master: "talk more about this and what this would in-tale"
• Self Image - Ability to masturbate privately.

----------------------------
 Thank You Master for punishing me for speaking out of turn. I was disrespectful and needed the correction. I was put in hush and punched in the leg several times.

We've been viiting Kit since the MAsT meeting yesterday and we're spending the night again tonight. I've been wrestling around with kit alot.

Melissa was out a few days before MAsT. Her first hour out she learned that she's been trained to come on command during sex. He thought it was and orgasm but she wasn't high after, just comfortable. She's very thankful to have been called, it's been months, and Mikkal "brought her back to life".

Melissa's morning to-do

Brightly colored clothes or not at all
feed dogs
teeth, hair, make-up
dishwasher
wash/dry blanket
coffee / breakfast
Type MAsT notes
> Make MAsT suggestions
Add MAsT members
AH if time allows
blog

pain-starved rambles

I don't like showing that I like the pain. I know that sadists enjoy the pain part. AND I LOVE being the torn abused useless hated unwanted stupid USED victim.  VICTIM. I love the thought of being beaten against my will. The thought of being forced to do things I don't want, to have words forced out of me. To be forced into lies that I know aren't true, to live and follow them for as long as I'm told to, made to. It's so hard to force the words out of myself, but that is the humiliation that I love and crave. I need to think that those lies are going to become real. I need the (not a mindfuck) playing and toying with the inside of my head. I need to realize a different reality. I love the rape play, and realizing at the last minute that I can't fight them off before they come inside me is so terrifying and real. it is an amazing turn-on, even as my mind screams and begs NO, my body opens up and betrays everything I really want deep down inside myself.

Outland Sucks

Waited for hours at the VA today because we were 15 minutes late and the dr was overbooked. He got His cast off and a walking boot put on. He had a seizure at the VA. I have been cramping my entire cycle, and my back started hurting last night. Pain pills have been completely useless. It's not always an extreme pain, but it's always here. I can't get past it I'm hurting. The only things that help are sex, rubbing, and pain. I felt better for a little when I was around Cheshire and Kit, but I thought I was going to get pain from them, also before they were talking to me I had a drink; some alcohol. I want pain. i need pain. I have been begging for pain my entire cycle. I hoped that Major would play with me since Master is not going to. That got shot to hell. I'm trying to cope with it, but I know I'm not taking it well. It's so hard to watch Him give someone else what I've been begging for when I realize I'm going to be left out again. What hurt the most at the electric munch was that He acts like it's His job to run away and socialize and only speak to me when He's telling me what to do or in a condescending tone or way. I felt like he ran off to play and forgot about me unless it was convenient.

I want to go in a corner, curl up and cry forever, where no one can see or hear me.

Oh shit, He doesn't have His pills and we're spending the night.

 It doesn't hurt for me to watch her scene. I love watching them. What hurts is that I'm cramping and really want the play that they're having. It's an amazing connection. BUT I feel like I wouldn't be able to handle what he's doing to her even from anyone. I hate that feeling! I'm in so much pain, but it's so fun to watch. I know our scen wouldn't be this good. That hurts. I need pain, too.

I'm so proud to have Him as my Master.

Goals

Learn my rules
Stop throwing kleenex on the floor
drink 4+ glasses of water daily
learn proper respect in terms of addressing Master when angry / stop nagging
Journal Daily / finish novel
be able to meet Master's situp/pushup goals on demand
> Bonus: get better at being on top during sex
Be comfortable masturbating for myself

Blog after letter

He told me after our argument (4-9-12) that after cuddling, He realized that I'm what he has been looking for in TV and video games. I'd been feeling seriously ignored for weeks, and it was getting to me. As promised, things changed.

• He actually spanked me as a punishment, and told me beforehand that I was being punished and what it was for. 

• He had sex with me for me without making me feel like it was. It was amazing. On the second day atfer this, He called me "slave" and ordered me to come. I said no, but my body responded to Him anyways, even though i said "I can't." He's done it twice since and it worked both times. Once He did it over and over even though I was absolutely exhausted I kept coming. And He got me to come while masturbating me. 

• He used a nonsexual toy and fucked me with it! =D

• He shoved a golf ball in me and fucked me with it in. 

• We've spent hours talking which we haven't done in ages. 

• He has made me feel so loved and grateful the past week.

 I can't wait to start training more seriously with the way He's been!

- I still haven't typed up the MAsT: Notes from the 2nd meeting.

Letter to my Master (Cutting)

I was told that this section of my notebook is not only for journalling, but for writing letters to my Master when I am otherwise unable to speak with Him. That's what I'm going to do now.

On 4-6-2012 (according to the date on the drawing), we had an argument, ended up in different rooms of the house, etc. I cut. Now, before You have a complete system overload, it didn't hurt, bleed, or anything else. I did it once. I didn't even consider it to be cutting at the time, because it didn't help or bleed. It left a mark after a few days similar to the clear scab that covers a pimple. I mention it now because I was shaving my legs, saw blood, wanted to cut, looked down, and caught myself thinking: "There's not even a mark, I'm going to get away with it." At that point in time (today) I freaked the hell out, wanted to cut anyway to cope with it, felt like everything I'd worked for was ruined, was overcome with guilt and the need to confess, but scared to death to tell You. I spent an extra 10 minutes trying to figure out what I'd say. Then I went downstairs and before I could make myself say anything, the movie was showing the trailer and it was about cutting. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I should have told You. I've never done this before, I promise. This is the only time I've ever questioned in my mind whether I've actually cut or not. I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say.

Emily

Masturbation

I almost came on my own. Woke up at 5:00 Am and started to rub to go to sleep when I thought of something fun to do with clothespins. =) I really like clothespins on my nipples and my initial plan was to tape them upward so they would rub and pull while I masturbated. As soon as I got them on, I had to rub to handle the pain. It hurt a lot, I'm more sensitive than I used to be. Then I managed to get one taped. My mind was filled with an image of a punishment I'd read once: Clip clothespins on all over the body, 1 for every x she did. Every minute, take one off at a time, rotate and put them all back on, allowing her to chooes one to take off completely. Continue until all clothespins have been removed. I was thinking about how much it would hurt, and I felt my body starting to involuntarily spasm just a little bit. It made me very happy, but i didn't want to push it, so I took them off (they hurt a LOT, remember?). I really just wanted to run downstairs and tell Master, but at 5:00 AM in the morning I doubt He'd appreciate it very much.

Also, I wasn't sure if I needed permission. Maybe next time we have sex we can use the clothespins *fingers crossed*

Problem is, now I'm happy, awake, and hungry.

Easter

Went to early service (together). I had a lot of issues with the preacher's sermon. He didn't know what he was talking about at all. He tried to show a "deeper meaning" and it ended badly, but it seemed like he does that all the time.

Aunt Sandy's Memorial

The Memorial was really hard at first, but I got to see a lot of family I hadn't seen in years.

Got a ride to the memorial w/ Brittany. Rode home with Grandma and Grandpa.

Had a lot of crying/arguing today. I don't know what all is going on with me. Maybe it was anxiety from calling people, or going to a family gathering that was centered around death.
All I know is that I feel much calmer and at ease now that we're at home, and the pressure is off. I'm kind of level now. It's like a calmer version of numb I guess if I have to define it. I'm not really excited about Easter tomorrow, but I don't feel worried about it.

We're going to the early service tomorrow. Well, I am. Andrew hasn't woke up from His nap yet, so I haven't told Him I want to go to it. It's really important to me though, so I'm willing to go alone if He's tired in the morning.

To Do Today

To Do Today:
Run with Major
Type roleplaying notes
type mast notes
mast group post
KC group calendar
clean bedroom
clean downstairs
do laundry
shower
feed dogs
empty dishwasher
facebook msg mom

Had huge fight with Relly. I wanted to cut. He didn't know. I thin I'm having problems with depression like he was. I was angry all day. It took a lot of effort to keep from cutting, and to go downstairs and ask for help.