Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow.

I had a good day yesterday.
I went out in public, dressed up (in an actual dress!), wore makeup, and I wasn't afraid, nervous, or timid. I felt like a completely different person. (Not in the dissociative sense, since I have those too)
A better person.
I don't want to lose that. I don't want to go back to the emotions, the fear and the panic that I've been feeling.
I have been second guessing every decision that I make, every emotion that I have- maybe for months - and I want to keep being a real person again. I want to stay. I don't want to go back to the dark.

What can I do to hold on to this? I don't want to be depressed or anxious, or panic attack prone.



It is such a drastic difference when I feel normal.
It is a completely different world.

I don't know how I didn't see how bad it was. I knew it was unpleasant, and that I was anxious, but anxious was the worst that I wanted to call it.
I must have been in panic mode at least 80% of the time I was around people the past month or more.
I have been shaky, sweating, afraid to speak, afraid to make eye contact, afraid to ask questions, afraid to exist around other people! On the verge of tears for no reason. Or for reasons, people. But "people" shouldn't make me cry if the "people" aren't doing anything! If they are just there, existing, why should I be terrified? Am I afraid they'll stampede?

I have to find a way to hold on to my confidence. I know I am good, I know I am smart, and capable, and.. something else good.

Now I know why the websites say that people who have panic disorders are afraid of having a panic attack.

---------------------------------- Below is the version I posted for Major.
I had a good day yesterday. I went out in public and I wasn't afraid, nervous, or timid.
I felt like a completely different person.

It is such a drastic difference when I feel normal.
It is a completely different world.

I don't know how I didn't see how bad it was. I knew it was unpleasant, and that I was anxious, but anxious was the worst that I wanted to call it.
I must have been in panic mode at least 80% of the time I was around people the past month or more.
I have been shaky, sweating, afraid to speak, afraid to make eye contact, afraid to ask questions, afraid to exist around other people! On the verge of tears.

I don't want to go back to the emotions, the fear and the panic that I've been feeling.
I have been second guessing every decision that I make, every emotion that I have- maybe for months - and I want to keep being a real person again.

So, I'm posting this so that you know what's going on with me.
I know that I normally get really sad in the winter months, but it wasn't sad this time, and I didn't realize what was going on until I had a good day. I didn't realize how fucked up my confidence/self esteem/whatever has been until now.
For whatever reason, instead of being sad, I am having some issues with anxiety and let's call it minor (because I can't admit that I might be having "serious" issues) panic attacks on a regular basis.
Conflict freaks me out. Normally it's just discomfort, but lately it has been full scale getmethefuckouttahere flight response.  Don't know why, don't know how to get better. Or hold on to better.

Had a good day yesterday, so I know they're worth it. I'll start with that.