I do too.: March 2017

Friday, March 31, 2017

ETSY POST LIST

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Boring emotions. Personal growth? Who know.

I am crying every day. Over something.

Today it was minimal social interaction that was honest but somewhat unpleasant, coupled with a day of not really accomplishing anything.

But I took care of myself.

I told myself there was no point crying. I was crying because of my pain, my emotions. Supposedly I was overwhelmed because I had to cope on my own, instead of being coddled by my spouse.

But let's think here, I could have told him I need him to handle it, and even though he is dead tired her would have, but the reason I didn't was because I wanted to do something for him, I wanted to put him first and take care of his needs.

Albeit, bitchily because of said emotions, and he probably felt as unsatisfied after that exchange as I did, but he was still going to get said sleep need taken care of.

So I stopped, and told myself to take a look at what had happened.

I have a need, I decided that need was less of a precedent than his need, and benched it.

So my "need" isn't important.

I'm not saying that he didn't think that need was important.

I'm saying I decided that need wasn't important. It's irrelevant to me as a slave.

I stopped crying to think about it.

Then I played some balloon tower games on my tablet (and lost horribly).

But I feel better.

I cried, I stopped it, I did something else, something easy to distract me.

And it helped.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow.

I had a good day yesterday.
I went out in public, dressed up (in an actual dress!), wore makeup, and I wasn't afraid, nervous, or timid. I felt like a completely different person. (Not in the dissociative sense, since I have those too)
A better person.
I don't want to lose that. I don't want to go back to the emotions, the fear and the panic that I've been feeling.
I have been second guessing every decision that I make, every emotion that I have- maybe for months - and I want to keep being a real person again. I want to stay. I don't want to go back to the dark.

What can I do to hold on to this? I don't want to be depressed or anxious, or panic attack prone.

It is such a drastic difference when I feel normal.
It is a completely different world.

I don't know how I didn't see how bad it was. I knew it was unpleasant, and that I was anxious, but anxious was the worst that I wanted to call it.
I must have been in panic mode at least 80% of the time I was around people the past month or more.
I have been shaky, sweating, afraid to speak, afraid to make eye contact, afraid to ask questions, afraid to exist around other people! On the verge of tears for no reason. Or for reasons, people. But "people" shouldn't make me cry if the "people" aren't doing anything! If they are just there, existing, why should I be terrified? Am I afraid they'll stampede?

I have to find a way to hold on to my confidence. I know I am good, I know I am smart, and capable, and.. something else good.

Now I know why the websites say that people who have panic disorders are afraid of having a panic attack.

---------------------------------- Below is the version I posted for Major.
I had a good day yesterday. I went out in public and I wasn't afraid, nervous, or timid.
I felt like a completely different person.

It is such a drastic difference when I feel normal.
It is a completely different world.

I don't know how I didn't see how bad it was. I knew it was unpleasant, and that I was anxious, but anxious was the worst that I wanted to call it.
I must have been in panic mode at least 80% of the time I was around people the past month or more.
I have been shaky, sweating, afraid to speak, afraid to make eye contact, afraid to ask questions, afraid to exist around other people! On the verge of tears.

I don't want to go back to the emotions, the fear and the panic that I've been feeling.
I have been second guessing every decision that I make, every emotion that I have- maybe for months - and I want to keep being a real person again.

So, I'm posting this so that you know what's going on with me.
I know that I normally get really sad in the winter months, but it wasn't sad this time, and I didn't realize what was going on until I had a good day. I didn't realize how fucked up my confidence/self esteem/whatever has been until now.
For whatever reason, instead of being sad, I am having some issues with anxiety and let's call it minor (because I can't admit that I might be having "serious" issues) panic attacks on a regular basis.
Conflict freaks me out. Normally it's just discomfort, but lately it has been full scale getmethefuckouttahere flight response. Don't know why, don't know how to get better. Or hold on to better.

Had a good day yesterday, so I know they're worth it. I'll start with that.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Danny

We've been dating a few months now and I want to ask you something. It's important that you think about it carefully, and that you are honest with me. I care about you and I don't want what I'm asking to hurt you.

I want to objectify you.

I know you as a person, what you like, most of the time.

But now that we know each other, that we respect each other, I'd like to objectify you.

I want to look at you like a beautiful thing, an object to be desired. I want to daydream about obtaining you, and what I would do with you if you were mine.

I want to think about your inherent appeal as art, your body and the sexual applications that come with it. I want to think about caring for your needs. I want to imagine the value you have even without the parts of you that I've gotten to know, even without those personality traits that make you unique.

I want to objectify you, please.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Cleaning spree

I have 120% motivation and desire and drive to go, but I have about 20 different directions that I actually want to go, and I think I might just be making a mess.

I want to clean my workroom because I want to make floggers.

I feel I need to get my stock put away before I make toys, so I cleaned the living room of boxes because I thought I might maybe put my item racks in the living room.

When I started to put together my racks, I couldn't find the bases for them and started crying.

I feel like I could put my racks upstairs, but then I need to clean up there, and I think carrying everything I've made up and down the stairs sounds like it might be a bad idea.

I've started cleaning my workroom but I want to organize my leather by color, by what I can use it for, and/or where I got it so I know how much I spent on it.

I found a box in my workroom and decided to send an email.

I want to clean the dining room, throw away a bunch of stuff, and make it presentable to company, but I have no clue where to put any of that stuff.

I want to make flogger sets, I want to make another whip, I want to finish the whip I already made (help! Cracker), and I want to go out to eat and go grocery shopping.

Please Master, help me to be productive today and not just a random chaos storm of cleaning!

And damn it, it's reads like an advertisement

There's this feeling I get sometimes, that people really want to talk, but no one wants to talk about kink.no, not "kink" like who said what and why you're pissed about it. I mean kink. I mean the reason we are all supposedly in this people blender together, wandering around and talking to people we would otherwise have no opportunity of knowing. I mean the nitty gritty fantasies , that deep need growing in the dark that drives you to look for others like us, that thing you want most but tell no one for fear that when it leaves your mouth it might break.

I can almost guarantee its not "floggers" - it might be "whips" but it's probably not just picking up a flogger that does it for you. Each toy has its own potential. Maybe you crave bringing a person to orgasm without touching them. Maybe you want to hold a flogger in your mouth and try not to drop it while taking a beating. Maybe you want to hear "come here, I need to bend you over something", maybe you need to bend your partner over something and fuck their brains out just so you can breathe again. Hell, maybe you want to eat a donut off of a penis. Why not? Maybe you want to be tied standing in a spreader bar and have your genitals repeatedly drilled with a leather bat. Or do it to someone. Until they cry.

That's what I want to talk about.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

I can't handle the emotions I'm feeling.

I am upset, anxious, angry. Hurt.

I feel helpless because I can't get my point across clearly. I don't feel that it would be listened to anyway. I feel like I would be discounted because I'm a "liberal feminist snowflake".

I just want to scream get out of my house. I want to escape. I want to leave them to their arguments and go out to lunch by myself.

But I have no safe space in my own house.

And apparently I don't deserve one, because safe spaces are a stupid idea.

I can't get away from the angry voices and even when I can't hear them, I am making countless arguments in my head that I know I'll never get to make.

I'm not strong of voice.

I would love to have a real discussion about these topics, with the anger, the distaste, the venom and accusations and insults. I would love to discuss the actual issues. But I don't know how to have that calm conversation. And I don't even think it would be possible.

And I'm sweating straight out of the shower, and trying not to scream and cry angry tears - I'm afraid they will hear me and think I'm crazy because I just left, but I can't handle the tension, and I don't know how to get help.

Friday, March 3, 2017

Business Post, December, January, February

Etsy
PRM002 Pink multicolor flogger ($75, $5 shipping) 12/10/16
BRD007 Blue Braided Falls ($80, free shipping) 12/30/16
WDH007 Caramel Bocote Flogger ($85, plus shipping) 2/1/17
XTC001 Orange Penis Flogger ($30, plus shipping) 2/20/17

12/2016 The Loft $70 vending fee (i think)

WDH014 African Mahogany, Red Rose Pattern, knotted ($85 Loft, 12/2016)

BSC005 Brown    Pearl White          ($30 Loft 12/2016)
BSC009 Olive        Dark Olive            ($50 Required Donation to Loft, 12/ 2016)
PRM005 Textured Tan        Black           ($45 Loft 12/2016)
THD019 Green Leather Bat        Black        ($65, Loft 12/2016)
STNG006 Phoenix red/orange        Black       ($55 Loft 12/2016)
Pink mini whips x3                  ($45, Loft 12/2016)
SET012 Braided Cat Pair, Black Buffalo Leather ($150, Loft 12/2016)

2/11/2017 Purgatory (Amos' South End Bar) $250 vending fee
WDH004 Black Thuddy Bocote ($175)
WDH006 Purpleheart tapered gray ($75, Gemini)

WDH016 African Mahogany, Pink Suede, Thuddy ($175)

Gold/Black Flogger Keychain $15

PRM011 All Black Flogger $50

PRM016 Rose Red Stingy $50

THD048 prm red paddle flogger $90
SET019 Set of 3, Black Kodiak Cowhide, Rose Red Corset $250
SET020 Set of Two, Pink, Black$110
EVIL003 Black Plastic spikes $60
EVIL008 maroon Plastic spikes $60

2/2017 CAPEX Floor Party (pay for hotel room $125)

WDT007 Wooden Spoon,$5 (bullmoose)

WDT008 Wooden Spoon,$5 (bullmoose)

WDT015 walnut paddle $40 (userfriendly female friend)

SET017 Set of 4. Red, Black Corset: ($200)
Brown Mini Whip ($25)

OTHER
WDT025 Punishment Stick, green            ($60, Fetlife order Hawaii, 1/29/17)
THD043 CUSTOM BAT Green, Heineken    ($90, Fet Hawaii,1/29/17)
XTC002 Rabbit Fur Flogger       ($85, Fetlife Order, Feb 2017)

WDT022 PAID by Dspx

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Random spring cleaning

Moved stuff out of pantry, most of it.

Cleaned out pantry, threw away some stuff

Put opened containers of dry food stuffs in a big bird/deer feed bag

Swept kitchen

Unloaded dishwasher

Emptied trash can

Looked and could not find dust pan

Put m and ms in sealed containers

Gathering food and candy to specific locations

Looking through papers, throwing out junk

Washing clothes

Drying clothes

I do too.