To Lily

Lily,

I am able to do things that are not normal for me, so I am not who I usually am when you are around. I am able to relax, and forget about things like how late we are going to get home. When Relly and I are alone, I have to try to have us home before 2:00 AM. When you are not here, I have to stay awake on car trips, to make sure he is ok, even when Major is driving. I know that you will wake me, or know what to do if something happens while I am sleeping in the car. And I can trust you to get us home, even if we stay really late. But those are the physical things. 

I don't know why I am so loud around you, and I tell you things I never tell my friends, things I have only told Relly. It makes me worry that you will think I am a bitch, because I say what I am actually thinking when you are around, and that offends most people because I can be really blunt without meaning to be. 

I am comfortable with you. I trust you. Most of all, I want you to know how much I appreciate you, and that I don't take you for granted. You are strong, capable, and you speak your mind when you want to. Thank you so much for coming with us, hanging out with us, putting up with us (and the tickles and butt touches), your service (because seriously, you get shit done and you are amazing), and for being Lily. 

Thank you for all your hard work,

Emily

Happiness

I have been getting off an average of three times every time we have sex.

Master has been letting me be more vocal than he used to like lately, I don't know if he is enjoying it more lately or if he is just putting up with it now. I haven't put much thought into it, I have been coming too much to think about it. I am also being more specific about my needs sexually too. "Can you touch me a little more before we start" with a lot of effort being put in from him on the foreplay front, has got me off within the first minute of penetration two of the past three times we have had sex.

I am really thinking hard about what I want lately. Sexually, on pizza, and from others. I am happier. And I am not doing the crazy midlife crisis pursuit of happiness most women do. I am not taking a hard look at my life and abandoning everything I have for some long shot that will only hurt the people I love. I am just letting myself be happy. I felt like I had to sacrifice before. Had to get us a deal on pizza so we could order it. Let the guys get their stuff and never consider what my perfect pizza looks like. Do every single thing myself, my way- how can anyone else do the thing, I must do the thing because no one else can do a passable job at it. 

I let go of that control this past weekend. I let another person load the car. When I realized that they actually wanted to do it, I let her set up my display for vending. Twice. And I realized, she does it better than I do. Seriously. It was fucking beautiful. I felt like my vending booth looked professional for the first time ever. 

And maybe next time someone asks how they can help, I will let them. Usually I can't think of anything, but I think it might be worth the try. 

I am not looking for happiness, I am looking to be myself. Nothing is actually stopping me from being me, so why haven't I been? 

Oh and don't worry about money. Yes we don't have a lot this month, but we need that adventure every now and then. 

I love you, Master.

Thank you for taking care of me.

Upcoming event this weekend. Worried.

I am super nervous about the upcoming camping thing, but I think, for all the wrong reasons. 

1) I am afraid that I will get razor burn if I shave to close to the event, which would hurt LOADS once we got outside in the heat, because it would be doubly itchy, or that my legs will be hairy and gross if I don't shave case enough to the event since I'm planning on wearing shorts at least part of the time we are there. 

2) I am afraid there won't be enough room in the car for all of us, since I have to take my vending case, and it normally takes up the backseat. PLUS the table. Plus the coolers. 

3) I am worried I will forget something I need to take to sell, or work on.

4) I am worried that I made all my toys in the wrong colors and no one will want to buy anything.

5) I am worried that since I might wear shorts, I will get too many bug bites. 

6) I am very worried that I will have to poo at the camping thing, and I don't want to. 

Nail polish gift ideas

http://www.julep.com/shop/nail-polish.html

There are even more than what are listed, but basically I think it would be a great idea to get nail polish for the women in our family on their birthdays or something, and get them their name nail polish.  Not all of them are spelled correctly and not all of the names have a nail polish, but there a lot of them, and I think it would be thoughtful. However, I would look at the reviews on this site, and then go and buy the product off eBay for less than half the cost... $15 for a nail polish is definitely too much.

Ok' finally heading to bed. 

I miss you.

Woodworking stuff

Today I started a test piece with the color stuff. 

Uh, crap, what's it called? A finish is the shiny coating....  

Well I am talking about the back wood stain we got for the paddle. I am testing it on on of the pieces I've turned in the past to see how that color sticks to that type of wood, so we know if it looks good. 

So I sanded the piece with 400 sandpaper, read the directions on the wood color. And I am testing it. 

I applied a light coat of the stain. 

Waited 2 1/2 hours,  sanded it lightly. Wiped off all the dust.

And applied another coat of wood stain.

Still wet in the last picture. Will do more work on it in the morning. (Wait at least 6 hours and then add another coat.) also, I will be using an actual brush for the paddle, so it will be more evenly coated.

And now, after working on that today, and cutting some leather, nothing impressive there, haven't really done much else, I plan on reading for a little while before bed. And tomorrow, I'll get more done. 

50% permission

Master left for SELF 2015 today. Last night he surprised me with sex. I wasn't in the mood, I was too tired, I didn't feel like it, etc... He talked me into it, and I am so glad he did! It was a quickie, ten minutes or less, and he got me off FOUR TIMES. That has never happened before. Ever. It used to be impossible for me to get off, or almost impossible. I considered myself to be one of those girls who just don't come. I had a mental wall I would hit when I masturbated, and I still have a lot of trouble masturbating. Master has brought me to a point where he can get me off, apparently easily. Anyway. I was talking about something. Oh yeah, the sex.   So it hurt when he went into me at first but he was forceful and it hurt just perfectly that when he started fucking me, I was on the verge of coming almost immediately. Well I could still here the echo of my voice saying that I wasn't in the mood for sex, and I didn't want to admit at the moment how absolutely my body was thinking about release, so I just... Let go on my own, without asking. The next wave was a slow steady buildup, and I was afraid I had lost the current for a minute, but when it built back up, it built up to knock me over. I said please so many times before I could concentrate to actual ask, and he made me ask before he let me come. And the next one was another minute or so away.  It took some work for him to force the next one, and I was begging, for sure. Then it was his turn and I could tell and he came and right before he pulled out of me, after the wonderful moment when I know I am a good girl today and I have done my duty by my man, I felt a sudden oh my gosh moment where I knew that I could come, right then, right away without any more work and there was no time, it was the perfect moment! So... I did. A small one, but it felt awesome. 

And I was giggly and happy and ... I said sorry. He knew about the last one. But not the first one. He said he will punish me for one of them when he gets back from SELF but the other one, I had to get up in my catlike I want to stay here and not move forever mood to grab his drink as punishment. 

I think that was the quickie that blew both our minds. FOUR times! I'm still stunned. My Master is amazing, and he took care of me because he knew I would need it while he was gone.

I love Him. So much. I miss him right now, and I can't wait until he gets back home on Monday.

Something like confetti

I needed it. I was unravelling, starting at my cunt and then jumping to my mind, I could feel everything falling away. If he didn't fuck me I was going to break. Something. I tried to manage it on my own, this wasn't a selfish want that I could have hopped in the shower and squelched. I tried. 

Master had mercy on me.

After what I felt was an eternity of begging, with vivid descriptions of my needs and relating fantasies, he took me out of my box and verbally forced me into the spreader bar. At which point the sensual language is temporarily suspended as there is no sexy way to say, "and then he slapped mercilessly at my helpless sloppy wet cunt with a blue pool noodle until I was a blubbering mess of drool and cum." 

And then he bent me over the bed, still in the spreader bar, my legs spread even farther apart by a wide cushion, and fucked me thoroughly and well. I begged to come almost from the beginning, but I rarely got the words out. He always seemed to know when I needed to, and several times preceded my verbal request with an order to come now. I felt magnificent, my legs were held spread, but it was the perfect, delicious tangible kind of helpless that made every pain feel good, and every good thing feel better, and I told him that he is a genius because I didn't have words while he fucked me for how great it was. 

When he said it was his turn, the only perfect answer I knew was Master. I hope I got a yes in there, but it didn't seem to need any explanation in my mind.  The word Master meant he didn't need any more information from me. It implied that everything he decided was acceptable, even welcome. It implied that he was the Master and I did not make decisions, only lived in awe of the things that happened, like an object, a slave, a pet that begins to smell the roast after the master has been cooking it already to perfection. The word Master implied that my body was listening to His orders, not mine. I was telling my body nothing, and he was playing me like a musical instrument, and knew every possible note that he would hit, and what it would add up to, what song or concert it would, be when he was done. 

This was some seriously mind blowing sex. 

Which is ironic? Because I was losing my mind before the sex, and now I seem to have it back.

Did I mention that I now have a hickey on my cheek to remind me every time I look in the mirror that I belong to him, that he owns me. He will be gone to self this weekend (Thursday - Monday) and it will be a huge comfort to have a more than daily reminder that I am his and he claims me. 

Coincidence, on purpose.

When I open up my goodreads app on my tablet, it always displays a quote while loading. 

Today, after reading thief of time by Terry Pratchett, my quote was, 

a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

- Lao Tsu

The book I am reading features an old man who constantly quotes random things, more like " I wasn't born yesterday" and other current day sayings with "as it is written." His name is Lu-Tze. 

Very punny.

Surprise service

I have decided to be a little different lately and I think Master has noticed. 

Doing new things, doing things I want to do, things that will make me a better person, or slave. And doing the things that need to be done, with less complaining. 

I made pork chops tonight. A first, for me. They turned out great. So did the the cooked cabbage, to my surprise.

And while I was supposed to be getting ready for bed, I cleaned Dusty's cage. Surprise! 

I am tired of nagging about the things that need to be done. But I did this because it is a service, and I think he will appreciate it. I have decided that I am only going to ask once when I don't feel like doing something. Not to say that I will never Ask more than once, or give reminders, but what I mean to say is that I want the things I ask for to carry more weight and gratitude than they do right now. If I ask master to wash the dishes for a month straight, I won't appreciate it as much when he does them for me. I will feel as if it is owed to me, because he said he would. Then he will feel unappreciated and I will be frustrated it took so long and nothing good will have come from it. But if I ask him to wash the dishes once, and then after waiting a day or so, do it myself, this will also give him less frequent opportunities to do something special for me that I have asked for. Which means maybe he will want to do those things when I ask, to show me how much he loves me. And I will feel appreciated and cared for, and hopefully, I will nag less, which will make both of us happier.   More work for me? Yes. But also, less bitterness and disappointment. I want my husband to feel like my requests are opportunities, not pits of nagging and overwhelming amounts of work.

I love my husband and Master and I want to be a good housewife and slave for him. 

That poem Master sent me.

She was made up of delightful contradictions. And as she got older she stopped trying to solve her intensity, her extremes, her sensitivity, and celebrated them instead. They proved she was alive, giving her all, opening herself to life and spontaneity as best she could. The mess she felt was like the raw and untampered beauty of walking into and through the wild. Anything could happen. That meant all the good stuff too. The less she controlled and edited herself, the more meaningful it all became. The more she trusted all her strange ways, the more her wild heart danced in the glory of being untamed. There was no middle road for her. Her path was off the beaten track. It made her soul flame wild and free to finally stop apologising for being and feeling different.

- S.C Lourie/butterfliesand pebbles -

Embracing

Since Master sent me an email recently, I've been trying something new everyday. He sent me a quote, that made him think about me. It was a description of a creative woman, a free spirit who was unafraid of herself, and the things that make her unique. I love that it makes him think of me, and it made me want to be even more of those things for myself, not just look like that to others. 

Because honestly, I haven't been unafraid lately. I have been struggling with fear of rejection, fear that I will look silly, or stupid, fear that I will fail miserably and publicly. Fear of death. I've felt that if I didn't accomplish certain things on a list, I wasn't worth it. But when I did accomplish my list, I felt like a bad slave, because I would look around at my household responsibilities, with my invisible mental list, and I would see failure. I felt so worthless. And I have been struggling with my attitude as well. When I lose my temper, I try to cover it up after with a joke or an excuse, but I really just stand there with a mouthful of shame, and no way to make it better. I wanted so badly to be a good slave, and I was unable to meet my goals, meet my responsibilities, or keep my tongue under control.  Nothing made me happy. 

I did a quick inventory, wondering why I felt so horrible. I have been letting my emotions slide, telling myself it was my period, when I stopped bleeding I would feel better, but I've been off it a week. 

What do I want? 

I want to work on my wood lathe, I decided. So the next day, I went to the garage and started sanding my project. But Matt is home! Who cares? I want to do this, so I am going to do it. 

Since then, I have made dinner, cleaned the house a bit, gone grocery shopping, worked on at least two projects outside, bathed sela, had amazing sex twice (and a new experience, at that!), bought some things I wanted (well, baby bought them as a birthday present, my chisels and files), and decided that I will make pork chops and learn how to cook cabbage and okra (both of these things are currently fresh, not in a can or bag or the freezer. It could be a disaster!) 

And I keep looking at that quote, trying to remember to be the woman my husband sees in me.  Trying to live my life fully, without silly excuses getting in the way of what I want to do, and have all the resources to do. 

And I will be a good slave, and I will make my master proud of me. And I will be proud of me, too. 

Angry or just crying sex.

I didn't feel like I deserved to get off, and it overwhelmed me. We had been fighting and then I asked for snuggles which turned really quickly into sex. It felt great, and then I wanted it to be angry sex, because I have never had it. I didn't ask, because it didn't make sense. To ask someone to be angry while they fuck you... Now isn't that selfish of me?  And it felt so good to be used that I didn't want anything to change. 

But when I needed to come, I couldn't let myself get off. Then he said he wanted me to come, but I just couldn't! I started crying. Then I couldn't stop crying.  But it felt amazing and so he saw that I needed to cry and helped me. He saw I couldn't come, and told me I didn't deserve it.  I felt so guilty- all the sudden I knew it wasn't just fighting, I felt guilty because I didn't tell him I wanted to cut. I knew deep down inside that I felt I deserved the torture of "holding it" no matter how much I thought I needed to get off.  And all of it turned me on, and made me feel guilty and turned me on more. 

He made me beg him to cum inside me. I almost couldn't stand it, I was so turned on. Crying the whole time. My face was wet and sloppy and even after, I just laid there crying for a minute. He said "not bad" I think. I don't know if he meant me or the sex. I think it's the first time he has used my emotions to help push me over the edge emotionally. I needed it. 

I feel cleaner on the inside somehow, and I think if I had got off, I wouldn't feel that way. 

I hope my first crying, shaking, tears trailing down my face, I really deserve some sort of punishment, sex looked like a sexy mess from really good porn, and not the pathetic, broken, I need someone to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok, mess I worry I will looked like.

Great sex. I feel better. Hope I looked hot. 

Please don't worry about me. Love you!