valentine's day at major's house

http://fetlife.com/groups/14/group_posts/1194395 is about (to some extent) being trained, as a submissive. Formally. It just made me reflect on things, and I think that the micromanagement-type play that I write about, ask for on occasion, hint towards etc is part of what i would consider training.

I think that to consider it a complete and full training, I would have to start with nothing, no privileges or rights, so that I would be reminded not to take anything for granted. In this way i would be able to start with a clean slate and learn everything that is expected of me, how I talk, how I act, how I walk even, from the bottom up.

A lot of times I push boundaries to see what You expect of me because i'm not sure, and i feel stupid asking sometimes. i don't want to have any questions in my mind as to what You want/expect of me and how i should behave or what is funny/not OK, or anything like that.

i really don't know what it was that i said that upset You in the video store, but i want to know so that (even though You said You aren't upset with me) next time i am more careful of the situation i am in.

i feel very awkward lately, and a little bit like a third wheel.  Especially when we're at major's house. i like playing WoW, but not at the expense of spending time with our friends.


i want to be trained, but i'm afraid i might just be saying it because i want attention, because i want to be played with, because i would rather be punished and humiliated in front of other people than sit in the dark by myself worrying about the the dogs... and jake. i miss him so much, and i feel like he's stoped making any effort to try and be family, or friends with us anymore. i feel like he hates me, and thinks i'm lazy and mean and disrespectful adn not worth being friends with. and i'm crying now, adn it's because there's nothing i can do about it. i've been trying to be super nice and encouraging and supportive, even when he has bad days, or doesn't have any time for me to know what kind of day he's having, and i dont have control over when we'll be home, and that makes me feel like we;re pushing jake out of our lives at the only times he has with us.  but i don't knwo what we could do to bring us all together as a family- what i could do. i miss how close we were at halloween, and it seems like it was last week, adn now.. everything is falling apart.

right now i really want to be duct taped, adn tied and beaten. i want to hurt. i love You. i really want pain.