I fucked up.

I fully lost my temper yesterday, and I said a bunch of stupid shit. I lost my head, but I royally fucked up, and I mean it. I said a lot of things I can't take back, and I got my head back on my shoulders within 10 minutes, but I still regret it, and I am pissed off at myself. I hurt Him, and He just says to forget it, don't worry about it.
I called Him a fucking idiot. 
It  was such a stupid fight. He didn't do anything wrong, but I went nuts.
It was like someone pressed my panic/freak out/psycho button. I know I have triggers, but I can't just ignore them, or try to make sure no one presses them. It happens. It always happens. I almost always regret it, and the worst thing isn't even losing control of myself, it's the pain I put my Master through by not being more disciplined.
I've narrowed it down to two things that I think could have triggered my break with sanity.

1. Master told me to call someone. It sounds so stupid, but talking on the phone sends me into panic mode instantaneously. 
2. Master was suddenly staying home from work, and all my constructive energy and plans for cleaning the house started swirling down the toilet right in front of my eyes. It was an absolute and total loss of control in an instant, and I couldn't process it. You'd think I would like that sort of thing, since I love rape play and being out of control, but it seems to be another panic. I guess since I ask for rape play it doesn't actually count as loss of control.

I was not punished for this outburst, this tantrum, screaming and yelling, childlike hissy fit. Maybe it's because I went outside and apologized openly and admitted that I had fucked up immediately after it had happened, but I don't feel like that is enough.

Master told me to forget it, not to worry about it, that He isn't going to punish me, that the worse punishment for me is not being punished, but I don't think that's true. If it was, then wouldn't I get "punished" for doing something good? I mean, I do good stuff all the time, surely I would have been punished for it by now.

I was willing to accept any punishment He thought was fair, because I knew I had royally fucked up. He had me over a barrel, and He passed it up. Day before my fuck up, He said He wasn't going to punish me for anything small, that He was going to wait until I really fucked up, and then, when I did... He just shrugged it off.

I pushed myself harder because I wasn't punished. I tried to accomplish more because I couldn't feel absolved. I wasn't forgiven, I was told to forget it, which is different! And it hurts. I know I hurt Him, and I hurt Him all the time because I can't control my damn mouth. fuck. For the sake of honesty here, I just started crying, adn I feel like a pussy.

It comes down to this:
I know I can be better than this, but I can't do it without Your help, Master. 

I want to be held accountable. I want to know that when I fuck up by breaking rule X, then X is going to happen. I don't want some ambiguous "Well I know I hurt Him, and there are relationship consequences to that, like trust and stuff" I want to know that if I fuck up, it's going to hurt.

To continue that thought I need to go back to something I said before. I want to work on handling those everyday surprises, general unpleasantness, and loss of control so that I can, in turn, handle my temper.

 1.no cutting
2. If I need to cut, tell Master.
3. dress to kill
4. Yes Sir, not in public.
5. Self respect
6.Respect for Master
7. Confidence
8. Sex - emotions
9. Safeword.
10. Collar = absolute obedience.

I broke rule 6. It wasn't vague or close or a near miss. I was outright disrespectful.

I don't know why I put that right there, I just needed to have the list out of my head and on paper... well. In front of me and not just in my head so I knew whether I broke more than one.

Basically, I need punishment so that I can improve.

no. I just want control of my situation again, don't i?

fuck.

I basically just argued that I need to be able to count on punishments for discretions to help me deal with lack of control in the other areas of life.  Hey, that's not actually that odd of a request. Master is definitely someone I count on daily. I have to be able to have stability from Master in some things to be able to handle the rest, don't I?

I love You, Master. I know You said forget it, but You also said that this blog is where You want me to say what's on my heart and mind.

I love You, I want to please You, and I feel like I'm failing.
(No, I don't need You to hug me and tell me that You think I'm awesome. It's not a depressed kind of I'm-failing-You, it's a constructive I see something about myself I don't like, and I want to change it kind.)

Please talk to me about this, because I'm pretty confused, and I would really lie to set a few general ground rules for some of these things that are bothering me.