I've been pretty numb since I was forced awake and over here. I'm scared, and nothing makes that eroding fear go away, even for a second. I've been a brat really the whole day, and I just want to hurry up and get it over with so that I can be happy again. I kept trying to perk up and play around, but when I played punch bug, I got force-truced, with the implication that any sort of punching was off-limits. After that, I tried a few more times, and then pretty much gave up. resentful. bitter.
Major gave me a swift kick to the cunt in Wal-Mart, and he hit dead on, but I didn't show it or give in to the pain because I didn't want him to get anything out of it. It hurt.
everything keeps getting stacked on, and that isn't fair at all. I've apologized for what I did, and now it's being held against me and held over my head as a threat, but it's going to happen whether I behave or not, and saying that X is just added punishment (And I should deal with it and stop being upset) is not fair at all, there was an established and agreed-upon punishment, and now it's being pushed when I lost my temper (to an extreme, yes) for about 10 minutes... and I know I'm going to be punished for more than 10 minutes!
I have plenty of reasonable reasons to be frustrated, I shouldn't have to explain myself, and I won't any farther.
major thinks it's going to be fun/playtime and it's not omething to tease me about. I always cry, and I know I will and ...
i just fucking hate this.
Monday, February 28, 2011
parents house
I went to my parents house today while Master was at work so we could go grocery shopping afterward in town. Since I can't wear my collar around my parents, Master gave me a bracelet He found. I love it, but it was a bit large for my itty bitty wrists, so I put it on my ankle, and it fit perfectly. He loved the gesture, and I'm still wearing it. Every time I take a step I can feel it reminding me of my Master and my submission. I hope this becomes a habit for Him, for us.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
the sex
last night, Master had sex with me. He allowed me the enjoyment of His cock.
It was perfect, exactly what I wanted and craved, he degraded me, fucked me mercilessly, and put my panties in my mouth. It started with me telling Him I didn't feel like having sex, I was tired (I said this because I know fucking me after I've said I don't feel like it is what turns Him on). When it was over, He left to do something, and didn't give me permission to take out the panties until He returned.Funny how that's the sort of thing that makes a masochist feel all warm and fuzzy, isn't it?
He threw the condom in a trash can with no bag, and told me I could clean it up in the morning. When I threw it away, it reminded me again of the wonderful sex the night before, and brought back the same owned feeling.
It was perfect, exactly what I wanted and craved, he degraded me, fucked me mercilessly, and put my panties in my mouth. It started with me telling Him I didn't feel like having sex, I was tired (I said this because I know fucking me after I've said I don't feel like it is what turns Him on). When it was over, He left to do something, and didn't give me permission to take out the panties until He returned.Funny how that's the sort of thing that makes a masochist feel all warm and fuzzy, isn't it?
He threw the condom in a trash can with no bag, and told me I could clean it up in the morning. When I threw it away, it reminded me again of the wonderful sex the night before, and brought back the same owned feeling.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Drop the Bomb.
Jake had sex with Ginger last night. At MP's house. Everyone there saw them both naked. Jada, her bf, blue, MP... and I feel so betrayed, but he looks so happy, and doesn't seem to realize that it would upset me, and he didn't even wait... I mean he was just uncollared on the 16th... so 8 days. He waited a week. and he was in negotiations with her husband still.... and .. omfg. they weren't supposed to have sex until like June. so both of those things upsets me. How do you go from "not dating" to fucking in -- no... it's casual sex. that's ... I don't know, i don't know how I feel about it, but it upsets something inside me... really bad.
and he wasn't even discreet, he was flaunting it.
and he wasn't even discreet, he was flaunting it.
Renege
Master, after reading my post from earlier this morning, has decided that He is indeed going to punish me for my behavior yesterday. I didn't mean to change His mind, it was decided, I was simply emptying my head. He knows this. I accept His decision, although i am worried about it. He will borrow major's whip for my punishment, as He said, if He's going to punish me, at least He's going to have fun. i fucking hate whips. He's going to have me tied down for the punishment, because He says that I wouldn't be able to take it otherwise. I'm afraid, but I trust Him.
I fucked up.
I fully lost my temper yesterday, and I said a bunch of stupid shit. I lost my head, but I royally fucked up, and I mean it. I said a lot of things I can't take back, and I got my head back on my shoulders within 10 minutes, but I still regret it, and I am pissed off at myself. I hurt Him, and He just says to forget it, don't worry about it.
I called Him a fucking idiot.
It was such a stupid fight. He didn't do anything wrong, but I went nuts.
It was like someone pressed my panic/freak out/psycho button. I know I have triggers, but I can't just ignore them, or try to make sure no one presses them. It happens. It always happens. I almost always regret it, and the worst thing isn't even losing control of myself, it's the pain I put my Master through by not being more disciplined.
I've narrowed it down to two things that I think could have triggered my break with sanity.
I was not punished for this outburst, this tantrum, screaming and yelling, childlike hissy fit. Maybe it's because I went outside and apologized openly and admitted that I had fucked up immediately after it had happened, but I don't feel like that is enough.
Master told me to forget it, not to worry about it, that He isn't going to punish me, that the worse punishment for me is not being punished, but I don't think that's true. If it was, then wouldn't I get "punished" for doing something good? I mean, I do good stuff all the time, surely I would have been punished for it by now.
I was willing to accept any punishment He thought was fair, because I knew I had royally fucked up. He had me over a barrel, and He passed it up. Day before my fuck up, He said He wasn't going to punish me for anything small, that He was going to wait until I really fucked up, and then, when I did... He just shrugged it off.
I pushed myself harder because I wasn't punished. I tried to accomplish more because I couldn't feel absolved. I wasn't forgiven, I was told to forget it, which is different! And it hurts. I know I hurt Him, and I hurt Him all the time because I can't control my damn mouth. fuck. For the sake of honesty here, I just started crying, adn I feel like a pussy.
It comes down to this:
I know I can be better than this, but I can't do it without Your help, Master.
I want to be held accountable. I want to know that when I fuck up by breaking rule X, then X is going to happen. I don't want some ambiguous "Well I know I hurt Him, and there are relationship consequences to that, like trust and stuff" I want to know that if I fuck up, it's going to hurt.
To continue that thought I need to go back to something I said before. I want to work on handling those everyday surprises, general unpleasantness, and loss of control so that I can, in turn, handle my temper.
1.no cutting
2. If I need to cut, tell Master.
3. dress to kill
4. Yes Sir, not in public.
5. Self respect
6.Respect for Master
7. Confidence
8. Sex - emotions
9. Safeword.
10. Collar = absolute obedience.
I broke rule 6. It wasn't vague or close or a near miss. I was outright disrespectful.
I don't know why I put that right there, I just needed to have the list out of my head and on paper... well. In front of me and not just in my head so I knew whether I broke more than one.
Basically, I need punishment so that I can improve.
no. I just want control of my situation again, don't i?
fuck.
I basically just argued that I need to be able to count on punishments for discretions to help me deal with lack of control in the other areas of life. Hey, that's not actually that odd of a request. Master is definitely someone I count on daily. I have to be able to have stability from Master in some things to be able to handle the rest, don't I?
I love You, Master. I know You said forget it, but You also said that this blog is where You want me to say what's on my heart and mind.
I love You, I want to please You, and I feel like I'm failing.
(No, I don't need You to hug me and tell me that You think I'm awesome. It's not a depressed kind of I'm-failing-You, it's a constructive I see something about myself I don't like, and I want to change it kind.)
Please talk to me about this, because I'm pretty confused, and I would really lie to set a few general ground rules for some of these things that are bothering me.
I called Him a fucking idiot.
It was such a stupid fight. He didn't do anything wrong, but I went nuts.
It was like someone pressed my panic/freak out/psycho button. I know I have triggers, but I can't just ignore them, or try to make sure no one presses them. It happens. It always happens. I almost always regret it, and the worst thing isn't even losing control of myself, it's the pain I put my Master through by not being more disciplined.
I've narrowed it down to two things that I think could have triggered my break with sanity.
- Master told me to call someone. It sounds so stupid, but talking on the phone sends me into panic mode instantaneously.
- Master was suddenly staying home from work, and all my constructive energy and plans for cleaning the house started swirling down the toilet right in front of my eyes. It was an absolute and total loss of control in an instant, and I couldn't process it. You'd think I would like that sort of thing, since I love rape play and being out of control, but it seems to be another panic. I guess since I ask for rape play it doesn't actually count as loss of control.
I was not punished for this outburst, this tantrum, screaming and yelling, childlike hissy fit. Maybe it's because I went outside and apologized openly and admitted that I had fucked up immediately after it had happened, but I don't feel like that is enough.
Master told me to forget it, not to worry about it, that He isn't going to punish me, that the worse punishment for me is not being punished, but I don't think that's true. If it was, then wouldn't I get "punished" for doing something good? I mean, I do good stuff all the time, surely I would have been punished for it by now.
I was willing to accept any punishment He thought was fair, because I knew I had royally fucked up. He had me over a barrel, and He passed it up. Day before my fuck up, He said He wasn't going to punish me for anything small, that He was going to wait until I really fucked up, and then, when I did... He just shrugged it off.
I pushed myself harder because I wasn't punished. I tried to accomplish more because I couldn't feel absolved. I wasn't forgiven, I was told to forget it, which is different! And it hurts. I know I hurt Him, and I hurt Him all the time because I can't control my damn mouth. fuck. For the sake of honesty here, I just started crying, adn I feel like a pussy.
It comes down to this:
I know I can be better than this, but I can't do it without Your help, Master.
I want to be held accountable. I want to know that when I fuck up by breaking rule X, then X is going to happen. I don't want some ambiguous "Well I know I hurt Him, and there are relationship consequences to that, like trust and stuff" I want to know that if I fuck up, it's going to hurt.
To continue that thought I need to go back to something I said before. I want to work on handling those everyday surprises, general unpleasantness, and loss of control so that I can, in turn, handle my temper.
1.no cutting
2. If I need to cut, tell Master.
3. dress to kill
4. Yes Sir, not in public.
5. Self respect
6.Respect for Master
7. Confidence
8. Sex - emotions
9. Safeword.
10. Collar = absolute obedience.
I broke rule 6. It wasn't vague or close or a near miss. I was outright disrespectful.
I don't know why I put that right there, I just needed to have the list out of my head and on paper... well. In front of me and not just in my head so I knew whether I broke more than one.
no. I just want control of my situation again, don't i?
fuck.
I basically just argued that I need to be able to count on punishments for discretions to help me deal with lack of control in the other areas of life. Hey, that's not actually that odd of a request. Master is definitely someone I count on daily. I have to be able to have stability from Master in some things to be able to handle the rest, don't I?
I love You, Master. I know You said forget it, but You also said that this blog is where You want me to say what's on my heart and mind.
I love You, I want to please You, and I feel like I'm failing.
(No, I don't need You to hug me and tell me that You think I'm awesome. It's not a depressed kind of I'm-failing-You, it's a constructive I see something about myself I don't like, and I want to change it kind.)
Please talk to me about this, because I'm pretty confused, and I would really lie to set a few general ground rules for some of these things that are bothering me.
Punishment Survey I found on fetlife.
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Monday, February 21, 2011
Best ever.
Master and I spent the night with Major last night. We've been doing that a lot lately, he's pretty fun to hang out with, and Jake has been drifting away from us as a friend, so it's hard to have fun with him anymore. Anyway, I've known for a while that Major wants to scene with me, but for some reason it was brought to my attention a little more directly in the past week. So, late last night and then again this morning, I mentioned it, and talked to Master about it, and wrote a short type of list about what I am interested in and can or can't handle. Major's mom maid some tasty food, she always does. I wish she could be my adoptive mother, she's an amazing cook, she's always nice, she doesn't gossip or nag or really take charge of anything and she makes the best sweet tea on the planet.
Last night Master gave me a spanking, and instructed me on an easier way that I am allowed to (and should do) to present food/drink to Him. Instead of holding food up until He is ready for it, or even before He enters the room, I am allowed and instructed to hold the food down while in Position 2, and then move to modified Position 3 and hold the item up at the level of my head to present it to my Master.
So anyway, I suggested to Master that since He isn't comfortable (and neither am I) with extended play or anything more than play at Major's house and around his awesome parents who we definitely don't want to offend, we should invite Major to our house.
He accepted, and we went home and took care of the house, cleaned up after the dogs, walked them, and made hamburgers for dinner etc. Master took a nap and a shower, and prepared himself for the impending visit. We talked a lot about what I would be comfortable with and what He would be comfortable with seeing done to me by Major (he's an awesome friend, but he's also a bit of a shallow, horny, asshole, especially when it comes to sex-type stuff. he can be a bit of a sex-snob sometimes.).
Later, after Major came over, Master told me that there wouldn't be any scening tonight. I was pretty disappointed, but I did my best to remain well-behaved. I ended up in an extended poke-fight with Major which included me sprinkling his head with water and him threatening to put his finger up my nose and wipe it off on me afterward. Then I got fussed at toward the beginning of Eragon (movie #2, the first one was avatar, which I think is a boring-ass movie) because Master was trying to explain part of the movie to Major (I didn't think he looked very interested, and I saw then it was around midnight, so I pretty much gave up on scening since I knew Major had to go to class in the morning.). And then Major poked me back, (he had been but this was the first time after me getting fussed at) and I looked at Master and said, "I can haz entertainment now?" and then I poked them and then I set my mind to not to poke them anymore and not be annoying, because I felt mostly annoying and I sat back and sat still.
It seemed like I had just leaned back, and Master cleaned off the coffee table and commanded me into the Submit Position. I obeyed, and He stripped off my shirt, pulling it up and over my head, and then unsnapped my bra, right in front of Major, right in the middle of Eragon while I was lying on the table on my stomach, my ass sticking out over the table. He spanked me a little, and then began wax play with me. I thought He was using tea lights, but apparently He used the low temperature wax candle we bought at leatherfet (all of it) and the high temperature beeswax candle my nephew Dee made for me for Christmas. When I moved too much, or made too much noise (I alternated between moaning with pleasure and whimpering in pain) He spanked my right ass-cheek. Then He told me to see how still I could stay, and pushed something down onto my back. When I moved, hot wax would pour down my back. The first time it felt amazing, and the second time it hurt. At the end of the the scene, He took the small paddle to my ass repeatedly, both sides. The left side hurt really bad at this point, every time Master hit me it felt like He was hitting bone. I moaned for several minutes, and then Master gave the release command to recover and told me to clean up the wax He had scraped off of me, and He helped me buckle my bra. I had an underboob issue, because He was buckling it, but my boobs weren't actually in the bra when He buckled it behind me.
I was out of it for a while. I cleaned up the wax as much as I could, and ... I think after this they went out to smoke.
the next thing I remember I'm again in the submit position, this time standing, leaning over the back of the couch toward to TV, with my head down. Major is talking, telling me about different toys, and I'm "trying them out" I guess you could say. Eragon is going off. I remember that. Something else comes on and they groan and change it to rock music on TV or something like that. The first toys used on me are mostly floggers, and it's mostly Master as far as I can tell. I enjoyed the first half the most. There were heavy and light floggers, and Major said one of them didn't hurt or I could have it used on me all day, and some of the floggers are draped over my back so I can feel how soft they are and some are heavy and hitting my back. Major started hitting my ass, because I had a smiling face on my black panties, and it hurt. But then they moved to the floggers. Then a lot of single tail-type ish things were used on me, after much moaning and enjoyment and love of the playing with the floggers, the two evil sadists decided to step it up a notch. I was repeatedly tortured and forced to scream into the side of the couch as (what felt like) short, thin, single-tail toys were used on my back for about a minute, and then on my legs and ass for several while at the same time I was being beaten with a flogger on my back. Then both of them hit me back and forth each taking turns, but moving rather rapidly,building up a high amount of pain on my back, or legs of ass. I heard major laugh at me several times, and Master would rub me and push himself (I knew it was Him because He was wearing soft pjs) against my ass while I heard more toys being pulled out of their bag. Someone hit me repeatedly in the cunt with a crop and made me yell out. After that, Master fingered me for at least ten minutes of the scene and it was amazing, I was shoved up against the couch over and over. He went to wash His hands after fingering me almost to orgasm. After more play, I looked up and around, and Master told me "I didn't give you permission to look up, Bitch." He grabbed the back of my neck, and shoved me face first as hard as I could handle into the couch. I was eventually in a lot of pain, and began falling out of my body. Susy came out and was hurting. I know Master could hear the difference. Danny grabbed me by my hair while I was falling into oblivion, and shoved me back out, saying, "you get out there and take it you stupid bitch." and me back out like that several times. Then I was being hit by what felt like a shoelace on a stick, or else a really big rubber band, and also being ... scraped with a knife. The tip was dragged up and down my back, around my ass, and shoulders and neck... I wanted to lift my neck up and feel the knife there too, but I knew it wouldn't happen, and I was struggling so hard to stay still because I was still being hit by a very painful singletail of some sort, and I definitely didn't want the knife to slip and it felt amazing. I found out after the scene that it was major who had been using the knife, and Master who had been hitting me. The scene had to last more than an hour, maybe as long as two. I think it was Master who put a soft blanket over my back and rubbed me down to help me cool down. To end it, Master grabbed me by the collar and jerked me up by it, choking me and making my already dripping pussy feel like it was gushing.I remember Master telling me to do... something after that... but I have no clue what He told em, I just remember I had a trouble standing.
Next I'm on the couch, and we've put away all of major's toys, leaving only a small dragontail and some scarves I brought out of the bedroom sometime earlier in the night. we were playing with the scarves, and Major was trying to take away one of the scarves from me, and my ring flew off. While he was leaning down looking for it (I foud it and had it on and he was still looking) I tried to loop my scarf around his neck. At this point my mind skips ahead and I now have a scarf tightly (but I can breathe, it just feels amazing) around my neck, and Major has one of my hands behind me, holding it so tightly that I can't get loose. My legs have been tied, and I've gotten loose, and now Master is sitting on my legs, holding them spread. I've kneed Him in the nose and side of the head already, and myself in the nose as well. Master is punching me in the cunt over and over, and when He gets bored with that, He turns me and spanks my ass as hard as He can over and over again, both of them laughing at my screams, Major not even flinching as I dig my fingers into his leg at every punch and hit. Somewhere in here I'm not in as much pain as I should be according to the toy and Master comments that I've gotten my second wind, but really I'm just not hurting from it, so I think to myself that I just can't feel it because I've taken so much pain already. He keeps randomly pulling the scarf tight and I love it. When I stop screaming and start moaning at the cunt-punches, they let me go and stand, both watching me lay on the couch with a smile on my face. I turn to Master as I'm being released and say, "I love You." Then I turn to Major and tell him, "You're all right." They both laugh.
next, I mouth off. I end up on the floor ith major on top of me, and Master following holding the dragontail and the huge m'fucking blue paddle. I get hit the worst so far. I push Major off of me a few times, get in a few hits of my own. this happens I think about three times. once on the floor and once I'm bent over the couch and he's sitting on me but standing somehow. I forget the other. When i'm bent over the couch I get the worst pain ever ever and I'm hit by the paddle and can't move at all out of the way... It hurts so bad, and I didn't mean to, but I left for about a minute, and Candy was out. she tried to shrink down out from under major and crl up, and get away but she couldn't... and she yelled and hurt and screamed in pain... and then Danny threw me back out by the scruff of the neck, and Master stopped and checked on me, asking if I knew my safeword... It takes me a minute but I explain that I'm good and Master starts to go around behind me again, but Major lets me up, and says he has to leave (it's 3:45) and I bend over and show them my ass and they definitely enjoy that, and luckily I don't get hit again. Major leaves to go to bed, and Master instructs me to blog.
I think major will be visiting again sometime soon, we had a lot of fun.
I know a lot of people feel like they aren't able to enjoy it when Master is in the scene with them with me too, but I felt that connection with both of them, and I tried to make sure that that connection was there with both of them. I've never had that much fun scening, because I don't think I've ever been that securely held down and helpless. It took both of them to be able to give me that, and I am absolutely in heaven right now. i hurt worse than I have in a while but it was definitely worth it, and i can't wait to go to bed and masturbate about being held down and tortured while I can't breathe... or while I have something tight around my neck that can be used to lead me around.
Thank you Master and Major.
I can't even explain how much gratitude and enjoyment there is.
Last night Master gave me a spanking, and instructed me on an easier way that I am allowed to (and should do) to present food/drink to Him. Instead of holding food up until He is ready for it, or even before He enters the room, I am allowed and instructed to hold the food down while in Position 2, and then move to modified Position 3 and hold the item up at the level of my head to present it to my Master.
So anyway, I suggested to Master that since He isn't comfortable (and neither am I) with extended play or anything more than play at Major's house and around his awesome parents who we definitely don't want to offend, we should invite Major to our house.
He accepted, and we went home and took care of the house, cleaned up after the dogs, walked them, and made hamburgers for dinner etc. Master took a nap and a shower, and prepared himself for the impending visit. We talked a lot about what I would be comfortable with and what He would be comfortable with seeing done to me by Major (he's an awesome friend, but he's also a bit of a shallow, horny, asshole, especially when it comes to sex-type stuff. he can be a bit of a sex-snob sometimes.).
Later, after Major came over, Master told me that there wouldn't be any scening tonight. I was pretty disappointed, but I did my best to remain well-behaved. I ended up in an extended poke-fight with Major which included me sprinkling his head with water and him threatening to put his finger up my nose and wipe it off on me afterward. Then I got fussed at toward the beginning of Eragon (movie #2, the first one was avatar, which I think is a boring-ass movie) because Master was trying to explain part of the movie to Major (I didn't think he looked very interested, and I saw then it was around midnight, so I pretty much gave up on scening since I knew Major had to go to class in the morning.). And then Major poked me back, (he had been but this was the first time after me getting fussed at) and I looked at Master and said, "I can haz entertainment now?" and then I poked them and then I set my mind to not to poke them anymore and not be annoying, because I felt mostly annoying and I sat back and sat still.
It seemed like I had just leaned back, and Master cleaned off the coffee table and commanded me into the Submit Position. I obeyed, and He stripped off my shirt, pulling it up and over my head, and then unsnapped my bra, right in front of Major, right in the middle of Eragon while I was lying on the table on my stomach, my ass sticking out over the table. He spanked me a little, and then began wax play with me. I thought He was using tea lights, but apparently He used the low temperature wax candle we bought at leatherfet (all of it) and the high temperature beeswax candle my nephew Dee made for me for Christmas. When I moved too much, or made too much noise (I alternated between moaning with pleasure and whimpering in pain) He spanked my right ass-cheek. Then He told me to see how still I could stay, and pushed something down onto my back. When I moved, hot wax would pour down my back. The first time it felt amazing, and the second time it hurt. At the end of the the scene, He took the small paddle to my ass repeatedly, both sides. The left side hurt really bad at this point, every time Master hit me it felt like He was hitting bone. I moaned for several minutes, and then Master gave the release command to recover and told me to clean up the wax He had scraped off of me, and He helped me buckle my bra. I had an underboob issue, because He was buckling it, but my boobs weren't actually in the bra when He buckled it behind me.
I was out of it for a while. I cleaned up the wax as much as I could, and ... I think after this they went out to smoke.
the next thing I remember I'm again in the submit position, this time standing, leaning over the back of the couch toward to TV, with my head down. Major is talking, telling me about different toys, and I'm "trying them out" I guess you could say. Eragon is going off. I remember that. Something else comes on and they groan and change it to rock music on TV or something like that. The first toys used on me are mostly floggers, and it's mostly Master as far as I can tell. I enjoyed the first half the most. There were heavy and light floggers, and Major said one of them didn't hurt or I could have it used on me all day, and some of the floggers are draped over my back so I can feel how soft they are and some are heavy and hitting my back. Major started hitting my ass, because I had a smiling face on my black panties, and it hurt. But then they moved to the floggers. Then a lot of single tail-type ish things were used on me, after much moaning and enjoyment and love of the playing with the floggers, the two evil sadists decided to step it up a notch. I was repeatedly tortured and forced to scream into the side of the couch as (what felt like) short, thin, single-tail toys were used on my back for about a minute, and then on my legs and ass for several while at the same time I was being beaten with a flogger on my back. Then both of them hit me back and forth each taking turns, but moving rather rapidly,building up a high amount of pain on my back, or legs of ass. I heard major laugh at me several times, and Master would rub me and push himself (I knew it was Him because He was wearing soft pjs) against my ass while I heard more toys being pulled out of their bag. Someone hit me repeatedly in the cunt with a crop and made me yell out. After that, Master fingered me for at least ten minutes of the scene and it was amazing, I was shoved up against the couch over and over. He went to wash His hands after fingering me almost to orgasm. After more play, I looked up and around, and Master told me "I didn't give you permission to look up, Bitch." He grabbed the back of my neck, and shoved me face first as hard as I could handle into the couch. I was eventually in a lot of pain, and began falling out of my body. Susy came out and was hurting. I know Master could hear the difference. Danny grabbed me by my hair while I was falling into oblivion, and shoved me back out, saying, "you get out there and take it you stupid bitch." and me back out like that several times. Then I was being hit by what felt like a shoelace on a stick, or else a really big rubber band, and also being ... scraped with a knife. The tip was dragged up and down my back, around my ass, and shoulders and neck... I wanted to lift my neck up and feel the knife there too, but I knew it wouldn't happen, and I was struggling so hard to stay still because I was still being hit by a very painful singletail of some sort, and I definitely didn't want the knife to slip and it felt amazing. I found out after the scene that it was major who had been using the knife, and Master who had been hitting me. The scene had to last more than an hour, maybe as long as two. I think it was Master who put a soft blanket over my back and rubbed me down to help me cool down. To end it, Master grabbed me by the collar and jerked me up by it, choking me and making my already dripping pussy feel like it was gushing.I remember Master telling me to do... something after that... but I have no clue what He told em, I just remember I had a trouble standing.
Next I'm on the couch, and we've put away all of major's toys, leaving only a small dragontail and some scarves I brought out of the bedroom sometime earlier in the night. we were playing with the scarves, and Major was trying to take away one of the scarves from me, and my ring flew off. While he was leaning down looking for it (I foud it and had it on and he was still looking) I tried to loop my scarf around his neck. At this point my mind skips ahead and I now have a scarf tightly (but I can breathe, it just feels amazing) around my neck, and Major has one of my hands behind me, holding it so tightly that I can't get loose. My legs have been tied, and I've gotten loose, and now Master is sitting on my legs, holding them spread. I've kneed Him in the nose and side of the head already, and myself in the nose as well. Master is punching me in the cunt over and over, and when He gets bored with that, He turns me and spanks my ass as hard as He can over and over again, both of them laughing at my screams, Major not even flinching as I dig my fingers into his leg at every punch and hit. Somewhere in here I'm not in as much pain as I should be according to the toy and Master comments that I've gotten my second wind, but really I'm just not hurting from it, so I think to myself that I just can't feel it because I've taken so much pain already. He keeps randomly pulling the scarf tight and I love it. When I stop screaming and start moaning at the cunt-punches, they let me go and stand, both watching me lay on the couch with a smile on my face. I turn to Master as I'm being released and say, "I love You." Then I turn to Major and tell him, "You're all right." They both laugh.
next, I mouth off. I end up on the floor ith major on top of me, and Master following holding the dragontail and the huge m'fucking blue paddle. I get hit the worst so far. I push Major off of me a few times, get in a few hits of my own. this happens I think about three times. once on the floor and once I'm bent over the couch and he's sitting on me but standing somehow. I forget the other. When i'm bent over the couch I get the worst pain ever ever and I'm hit by the paddle and can't move at all out of the way... It hurts so bad, and I didn't mean to, but I left for about a minute, and Candy was out. she tried to shrink down out from under major and crl up, and get away but she couldn't... and she yelled and hurt and screamed in pain... and then Danny threw me back out by the scruff of the neck, and Master stopped and checked on me, asking if I knew my safeword... It takes me a minute but I explain that I'm good and Master starts to go around behind me again, but Major lets me up, and says he has to leave (it's 3:45) and I bend over and show them my ass and they definitely enjoy that, and luckily I don't get hit again. Major leaves to go to bed, and Master instructs me to blog.
I think major will be visiting again sometime soon, we had a lot of fun.
I know a lot of people feel like they aren't able to enjoy it when Master is in the scene with them with me too, but I felt that connection with both of them, and I tried to make sure that that connection was there with both of them. I've never had that much fun scening, because I don't think I've ever been that securely held down and helpless. It took both of them to be able to give me that, and I am absolutely in heaven right now. i hurt worse than I have in a while but it was definitely worth it, and i can't wait to go to bed and masturbate about being held down and tortured while I can't breathe... or while I have something tight around my neck that can be used to lead me around.
Thank you Master and Major.
I can't even explain how much gratitude and enjoyment there is.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
jake uncollared himself
jake is not a submissive anymore.
he did not ask to be uncollared, he informed us that he no longer intends to be a submissive.
i guess i might post the conversation and what i wrote down later. i have a lot of work to do.
i want to hurt. i need pain. i am so upset. i hurt.
he did not ask to be uncollared, he informed us that he no longer intends to be a submissive.
i guess i might post the conversation and what i wrote down later. i have a lot of work to do.
i want to hurt. i need pain. i am so upset. i hurt.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
valentine's day at major's house
http://fetlife.com/groups/14/group_posts/1194395 is about (to some extent) being trained, as a submissive. Formally. It just made me reflect on things, and I think that the micromanagement-type play that I write about, ask for on occasion, hint towards etc is part of what i would consider training.
I think that to consider it a complete and full training, I would have to start with nothing, no privileges or rights, so that I would be reminded not to take anything for granted. In this way i would be able to start with a clean slate and learn everything that is expected of me, how I talk, how I act, how I walk even, from the bottom up.
A lot of times I push boundaries to see what You expect of me because i'm not sure, and i feel stupid asking sometimes. i don't want to have any questions in my mind as to what You want/expect of me and how i should behave or what is funny/not OK, or anything like that.
i really don't know what it was that i said that upset You in the video store, but i want to know so that (even though You said You aren't upset with me) next time i am more careful of the situation i am in.
i feel very awkward lately, and a little bit like a third wheel. Especially when we're at major's house. i like playing WoW, but not at the expense of spending time with our friends.
i want to be trained, but i'm afraid i might just be saying it because i want attention, because i want to be played with, because i would rather be punished and humiliated in front of other people than sit in the dark by myself worrying about the the dogs... and jake. i miss him so much, and i feel like he's stoped making any effort to try and be family, or friends with us anymore. i feel like he hates me, and thinks i'm lazy and mean and disrespectful adn not worth being friends with. and i'm crying now, adn it's because there's nothing i can do about it. i've been trying to be super nice and encouraging and supportive, even when he has bad days, or doesn't have any time for me to know what kind of day he's having, and i dont have control over when we'll be home, and that makes me feel like we;re pushing jake out of our lives at the only times he has with us. but i don't knwo what we could do to bring us all together as a family- what i could do. i miss how close we were at halloween, and it seems like it was last week, adn now.. everything is falling apart.
right now i really want to be duct taped, adn tied and beaten. i want to hurt. i love You. i really want pain.
I think that to consider it a complete and full training, I would have to start with nothing, no privileges or rights, so that I would be reminded not to take anything for granted. In this way i would be able to start with a clean slate and learn everything that is expected of me, how I talk, how I act, how I walk even, from the bottom up.
A lot of times I push boundaries to see what You expect of me because i'm not sure, and i feel stupid asking sometimes. i don't want to have any questions in my mind as to what You want/expect of me and how i should behave or what is funny/not OK, or anything like that.
i really don't know what it was that i said that upset You in the video store, but i want to know so that (even though You said You aren't upset with me) next time i am more careful of the situation i am in.
i feel very awkward lately, and a little bit like a third wheel. Especially when we're at major's house. i like playing WoW, but not at the expense of spending time with our friends.
i want to be trained, but i'm afraid i might just be saying it because i want attention, because i want to be played with, because i would rather be punished and humiliated in front of other people than sit in the dark by myself worrying about the the dogs... and jake. i miss him so much, and i feel like he's stoped making any effort to try and be family, or friends with us anymore. i feel like he hates me, and thinks i'm lazy and mean and disrespectful adn not worth being friends with. and i'm crying now, adn it's because there's nothing i can do about it. i've been trying to be super nice and encouraging and supportive, even when he has bad days, or doesn't have any time for me to know what kind of day he's having, and i dont have control over when we'll be home, and that makes me feel like we;re pushing jake out of our lives at the only times he has with us. but i don't knwo what we could do to bring us all together as a family- what i could do. i miss how close we were at halloween, and it seems like it was last week, adn now.. everything is falling apart.
right now i really want to be duct taped, adn tied and beaten. i want to hurt. i love You. i really want pain.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Danny Rant
Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to being Me. The way I was before. I want to hurt her, to scare her, to use her, to make her afraid. I want to hold her hostage unless he meets my demands.
None of them are afraid of me anymore. I'm powerless and useless. No one respects me, I'm only an annoyance because I don't submit. I'm an embarrasment, not something to be bragged on. I'm powerless, impotent. I don't make threat because they'd all eb empty, and I don't bluff. I wish I could make him value the time he has with her.
I wish I could have her back, like it used to be.
I could meeet the needs that she has better than he can.
not anymore. I'm only there to be laughed at now. they don't need me anymore.
Danny
Polter
2-12-11
(found on paper, copied on July 30, 2011)
(IHateMe. Why bother? I miss mikkal were doodled on the page)
None of them are afraid of me anymore. I'm powerless and useless. No one respects me, I'm only an annoyance because I don't submit. I'm an embarrasment, not something to be bragged on. I'm powerless, impotent. I don't make threat because they'd all eb empty, and I don't bluff. I wish I could make him value the time he has with her.
I wish I could have her back, like it used to be.
I could meeet the needs that she has better than he can.
not anymore. I'm only there to be laughed at now. they don't need me anymore.
Danny
Polter
2-12-11
(found on paper, copied on July 30, 2011)
(IHateMe. Why bother? I miss mikkal were doodled on the page)
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