A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don�t even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can�t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What�s wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can�t bait "em.
Herb decided to propose to Sandi , but prior to her acceptance Sandi had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandi in the eyes and said...
"I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Sandi and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandi off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandi put her hands in Herb�s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
"Yes, it is..." exclaimed Herb, "8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long."
Monday, February 8, 2010
Our State (You HAVE to read this one)
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
"covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5
years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders
in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in
fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the
crash.
They were surprised to find in 38 of the 50 states the recorded last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh SHIT !"
Only the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia,Tennessee,
Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas and
West Virginia were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words
were:
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
"covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5
years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders
in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in
fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the
crash.
They were surprised to find in 38 of the 50 states the recorded last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh SHIT !"
Only the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia,Tennessee,
Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas and
West Virginia were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words
were:
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
Unbecoming traits in a sub~
1. She has a tattoo from the CDC.
2. She tells you that despite the fact that her old master is on death row, the rest of the guys in his motorcycle gang still think of her as his property.
3. She frequently calls you by yelling: "Yo, master!"
4. Her idea of "a good caning" is shopping for furniture at Pier One.
5. Her "safe word" is "POLICE!"
6. She can never quite remember where she put those keys to those darn handcuffs.
7. Her self-chosen slave name is "Electra".
8. Her REAL name is "Electra".
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and won.
He was pleased and entered it again; it won again.
The local paper headline:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was upset with this publicity;
he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The local paper headline:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
The bishop ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor gave it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper headline:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted; then ordered the nun to get rid of the donkey.
She sold it to a farmer for $10.
The local paper headline:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
The bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and
take it to the plains where it could run wild.
The local paper headlines:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story:
To much concern about public opinion can bring you
grief and misery and a shorten your life.
Be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be happier and live longer!
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
The Penis Study In 2008
The American Government funded a study to see why
the head of a man's Penis
was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and
180,000, they concluded that
the reason that the head was larger than the shaft
was to give the man more
pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French
decided to do their own study.
After 250,000 and 3 years of research, they
concluded that the reason thehead was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure duringsex.
Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings,
conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around 75.46, and 2
cases of beer, they
concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from
flying off and hitting
himself in the forehead.
One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car.
He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."
1. She has a tattoo from the CDC.
2. She tells you that despite the fact that her old master is on death row, the rest of the guys in his motorcycle gang still think of her as his property.
3. She frequently calls you by yelling: "Yo, master!"
4. Her idea of "a good caning" is shopping for furniture at Pier One.
5. Her "safe word" is "POLICE!"
6. She can never quite remember where she put those keys to those darn handcuffs.
7. Her self-chosen slave name is "Electra".
8. Her REAL name is "Electra".
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and won.
He was pleased and entered it again; it won again.
The local paper headline:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was upset with this publicity;
he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The local paper headline:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
The bishop ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor gave it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper headline:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted; then ordered the nun to get rid of the donkey.
She sold it to a farmer for $10.
The local paper headline:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
The bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and
take it to the plains where it could run wild.
The local paper headlines:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story:
To much concern about public opinion can bring you
grief and misery and a shorten your life.
Be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be happier and live longer!
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
The Penis Study In 2008
The American Government funded a study to see why
the head of a man's Penis
was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and
180,000, they concluded that
the reason that the head was larger than the shaft
was to give the man more
pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French
decided to do their own study.
After 250,000 and 3 years of research, they
concluded that the reason thehead was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure duringsex.
Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings,
conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around 75.46, and 2
cases of beer, they
concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from
flying off and hitting
himself in the forehead.
One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car.
He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."
Wanna Be
Saw this and had to copy + paste ... It's awesome.
You Might Be A Wannabe (Doms)
If you ever use the phrase "A real sub wouldn't have a problem doing that"
If you think the word "submissive" means the same thing as "easy"
If you think leading your sub around by a leash in the supermarket is appropriate entertainment for everyone...
If you think it's perfectly acceptable to address all submissives as "slut"...
If your vanity plate reads "MSTR-2-U"...
If you enter a chat room and command all the subs to call you Sir...
If you think all subs put out on the first date...
If you think the only purpose for nipple piercing is to have a place to hang your car keys...
If you can't understand why a sub refuses to meet you for the first time alone at your place...
If you think limits are nothing you need to consider seriously...
If you think safewords are for sissies...
If you think placing a "Sir" or "Master" in front of your nick name automatically makes you a Dom...
If you think R/L is just like cyber...
If you think using lube for fisting or anal play is too kind... you might be a Wannabe (or a really mean sadist)
If you have to constantly refer to the owner's manual to use your toys...
If you think Dom's can't show their feelings and need to be cold and aloof...
If you have any reason to fear ATF Agents could confiscate your toys...
If you think the KGB Interrogation Manual is the definitive "how to" book for BDSM... you might be a Wannabe. (Hey, I liked this one)
If you think sterile needles for play piercing are too expensive to only use once...
If household items don't inspire you (wooden spoons, clothespins, etc.)...
If you think electricity play consists of plug in socket/exposed wires touching sub... you just might be an idiot
If you think a bullwhip is the best choice for a warm up tool...
then i'm gonna be in a lot of pain.
You Might Be A Wannabe (Doms)
If you ever use the phrase "A real sub wouldn't have a problem doing that"
If you think the word "submissive" means the same thing as "easy"
If you think leading your sub around by a leash in the supermarket is appropriate entertainment for everyone...
If you think it's perfectly acceptable to address all submissives as "slut"...
If your vanity plate reads "MSTR-2-U"...
If you enter a chat room and command all the subs to call you Sir...
If you think all subs put out on the first date...
If you think the only purpose for nipple piercing is to have a place to hang your car keys...
If you can't understand why a sub refuses to meet you for the first time alone at your place...
If you think limits are nothing you need to consider seriously...
If you think safewords are for sissies...
If you think placing a "Sir" or "Master" in front of your nick name automatically makes you a Dom...
If you think R/L is just like cyber...
If you think using lube for fisting or anal play is too kind... you might be a Wannabe (or a really mean sadist)
If you have to constantly refer to the owner's manual to use your toys...
If you think Dom's can't show their feelings and need to be cold and aloof...
If you have any reason to fear ATF Agents could confiscate your toys...
If you think the KGB Interrogation Manual is the definitive "how to" book for BDSM... you might be a Wannabe. (Hey, I liked this one)
If you think sterile needles for play piercing are too expensive to only use once...
If household items don't inspire you (wooden spoons, clothespins, etc.)...
If you think electricity play consists of plug in socket/exposed wires touching sub... you just might be an idiot
If you think a bullwhip is the best choice for a warm up tool...
then i'm gonna be in a lot of pain.
You Might Be A Wannabe (Subs)
If you don't know what "R/L" means...
If you think it's not necessary to communicate what you need or want to your Dom because what you want is not important...
If you've never considered the possibility that your online Master is really a 14-year-old named Jason...
If you think being collared and spanked online qualifies you as an experienced sub...
If you think you have no limits...
If you think using your safeword means you're not a "real" sub...
If you consent to wearing a Dom/Domme's brand at your first R/L session with Him or Her...
If you think bruises and broken limbs are standard bdsm play...
If you think you must have total respect for anyone who calls himself/herself Dom/Domme...
If you think the best sub is the one who can stand the most pain...
If you think R/L is just like cyber... you might be a Wannabe
If you consent your first live meet with a Dom/me without using a safety net...
If you think being a sub is all about being abused...
If you have to remove your collar so your Master can walk his dog... you might be a Wannabe (and your Dom is really cheap)
If you think sub-space is the cage a Dom keeps His or Her sub in...
If you think enemas are only given for medicinal purposes...
If you think submission means never saying "no"...
If you have to spit out your chewing tobacco before you can be gagged... you might be a redneck as well as a Wannabe
more jokes.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
The Doctor
As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists ETC. And in this case a new Urologist for me.
My family Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I must stop masturbating.
I asked her why, and she said,
"Because I'm trying to examine you......"
Speeding in Pennsylvania~
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.'
He replied ' Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
One day Mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear a sub say to their Master
1. How was I to know not to put your weather pants in the
washer.
2. Yeah, right... SPANK THIS!
3. Tomorrow night, I get to tie you up, right?
4. God, you Dom's think the world should bow before you!
5. And just what do you think you are going to do with that paddle?
6. Sorry, I got a date tomorrow night. Some other time, perhaps?
7. Spanking? I-THINK-NOT!
8. Who died and left you in charge?
9. Do your own damn laundry!
and the #1 thing you never hear a sub say to their Master
10. What do I look like, your maid?
The Doctor
As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists ETC. And in this case a new Urologist for me.
My family Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I must stop masturbating.
I asked her why, and she said,
"Because I'm trying to examine you......"
Speeding in Pennsylvania~
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.'
He replied ' Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
One day Mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear a sub say to their Master
1. How was I to know not to put your weather pants in the
washer.
2. Yeah, right... SPANK THIS!
3. Tomorrow night, I get to tie you up, right?
4. God, you Dom's think the world should bow before you!
5. And just what do you think you are going to do with that paddle?
6. Sorry, I got a date tomorrow night. Some other time, perhaps?
7. Spanking? I-THINK-NOT!
8. Who died and left you in charge?
9. Do your own damn laundry!
and the #1 thing you never hear a sub say to their Master
10. What do I look like, your maid?
Sex for Gamers
SEX MANUAL FOR COMPUTER EXPERTS
1. Be user friendly.
2. Take bytes.
3. Fondle joystick.
4. Spread sheet.
5. Fix surge protector.
6. Activate hardware.
7. Insert disc, all the way.
8. Do it until megabytes.
9. Back it up.
10 Eject floppy.
1. Be user friendly.
2. Take bytes.
3. Fondle joystick.
4. Spread sheet.
5. Fix surge protector.
6. Activate hardware.
7. Insert disc, all the way.
8. Do it until megabytes.
9. Back it up.
10 Eject floppy.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
The Vibrator
THE VIBRATOR
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried,
and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from
the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad
I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll
ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen coun ter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at
the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the fuck are you doing?'
The husband replied:
'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried,
and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from
the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad
I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll
ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen coun ter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at
the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the fuck are you doing?'
The husband replied:
'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Seshafi Character stuff.
I want to include the story of the first time Seshafi started bleeding. and how she learned to talk, and why it was uncommon for women to be able to talk, etc. and my biggest problem with my work is my "show not tell" rule that i've heard forever, but never seen why it was an issue until now. Bishu could very easily be expanded into a book, if only she was to show and nt tell the entire experience. if only when she said gradually, I showed gradually what happened. how she because friends with people, why she did what she did. everything in her head, etc. but i need a complete rewrite or overhaul and i'm not sure i'm up to that. or up to figuring out what goes where, in any case. i really want to work on it, but it's so frustrating shen no one is there to edit, correct critique, "i hate" "i like" "this works" "this should work but doesn't" "there needs to be something else here /point" you know? i miss the days when i would type the story for andrew as i wrote it, and he would proof, read and enjoy it. it made writing so much easier when i was being begged for more every few seconds instead of dragging him away from his other interests to do something he says he loves to read but hates to proof etc. and here i am typing away about writing and how hard it is... ugh. when will i ever learn and just do it?
Forever and a day (since my last post)
so, much cramping, a foot of snow, and grumpiness aside... I've survived the weekend and a few days into. Warcraft had another patch to download today, I cooked scrambled eggs and veggie soup (beef ramen flavor packet for bullion is my secret) and leveled my "shadow priest" from 11 to 14.
bad news? haven't had condoms for over a week.
good news? condoms left in the car overnight in freezing temperatures are still effective birth control.
yay for period, boo for ensuing hormones, mood swing, random crying and throwing chewed gum across the room at a taunting purposely irritating target.
I read over one of my older works, Bishu, and found I liked it, although there are a lot of things I want to change, both in content and style. I like the voice of my character, and after all this time, that is a comforting thought. I've missed her, and I know my husband has, so I plan on putting some serius time into bringing her to life, adding chapters to her novel, and getting all my loose ends tied up. Danny can wait, as his issues are slightly blocked right now.
so. back to warcraft, and other likewise procrastinations.
bad news? haven't had condoms for over a week.
good news? condoms left in the car overnight in freezing temperatures are still effective birth control.
yay for period, boo for ensuing hormones, mood swing, random crying and throwing chewed gum across the room at a taunting purposely irritating target.
I read over one of my older works, Bishu, and found I liked it, although there are a lot of things I want to change, both in content and style. I like the voice of my character, and after all this time, that is a comforting thought. I've missed her, and I know my husband has, so I plan on putting some serius time into bringing her to life, adding chapters to her novel, and getting all my loose ends tied up. Danny can wait, as his issues are slightly blocked right now.
so. back to warcraft, and other likewise procrastinations.
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