I dreamed about Matt.
I'm going to tell all of the dream even though it is weird and graphic, so don't freak out, m'kay?
I went to him to play, but not just any play, we were going to do a drowning scene. I kept stalling and not going in, he was waiting in the bathroom, and for some reason I wanted to make sure everything was right. I undressed to panties, a bra, and socks. And then I fretted because the bra and socks were black and I remembered in the dream that I was wearing dark green panties (almost black) and it didn't match. I kept picturing myself going in, looking pretty, his smile, and then I would be shy, with my head down, while he undressed me. I go in and he has only just started filling the tub. I get in, head near the faucet and showerhead side, and he gets in on the other side. I am nervous, jumpy, because I don't know when he will start drowning me, or the scene will begin. I keep relaxing from the water, closing my eyes, and then startling and taking a deep breath and moving my head, opening my eyes, thinking I'm about to be pushed under, but he only smiles at me. As the water fills the tub almost halfway, he goes down on me, putting his head underwater to do it. I remember thinking, "do we have to do this before we can play?" but I remain passive and don't say anything. Somewhere along the lines, dirt starts floating around in the tub, and I say I don't want to be drowned "in that." He gets out of the tub, and even though I don't touch anything, the water drains. I wash the sides of the tub with the showerhead, recheck the drain, and start filling the tub again.
He pushes me under the running water, and I can't hold my breath as long, because I'm surprised. I choke and cough, and he lets me back up again. I'm all smiles, it's something I've missed so much. He gets back into the tub. We talk as the tub fills back up, about random things, but not the talk we need to have. It's like we are feeling each other out, emotionally, to see where we stand. He looks me in the eyes and says, "Thank you for trusting me to do this, I didn't think you would." And then he pushes me underwater before I answer, as I'm thinking about how to explain that I don't know why I am perfectly fine with this, I have no doubts that I am safe, I have perfect trust, even as I'm underwater and running out of air. But we do need to talk, there are things I don't trust him with, and I tell myself that we will talk about it as soon as this is over. I need to breathe. I start struggling, and he keeps me underwater. Soon I struggle harder, I reach out of the water and grab his arm, I start to slap at him, but I realize on the second "tap" and stop myself from doing our signaled 3-tap tapping-out. I trust. more time passes. I have water in my mouth, there is no air that I'm holding onto to use. Finally, he lets me up, and I breathe, I lean onto him and breathe heavily for a while. And smile. I love the drowning. But then after a while, I realize he's done. I ask him if he doesn't mind, to just do it one more time. He doesn't really answer, just gets out and grabs a towel. Just like that, it's over.
We go somewhere else together, and I see a rainbow, and stupid random things happen, involving every store he looks at on his phone being pornographic, and I make a walmart/condom joke, and his mother shows up right before I say the word condom, so I shut up really quickly. And I never talk to him, about the trust issues.
When I woke up I wanted to go in there. I wanted to snuggle and tell him about the dream and... I wanted everything to be normal again. I even thought about texting him.
But I wanted non sexual snuggles, and wanted the bed to be clean, lol.
I don't know how this is going to work, at some point we have to talk.
I'm going to tell all of the dream even though it is weird and graphic, so don't freak out, m'kay?
I went to him to play, but not just any play, we were going to do a drowning scene. I kept stalling and not going in, he was waiting in the bathroom, and for some reason I wanted to make sure everything was right. I undressed to panties, a bra, and socks. And then I fretted because the bra and socks were black and I remembered in the dream that I was wearing dark green panties (almost black) and it didn't match. I kept picturing myself going in, looking pretty, his smile, and then I would be shy, with my head down, while he undressed me. I go in and he has only just started filling the tub. I get in, head near the faucet and showerhead side, and he gets in on the other side. I am nervous, jumpy, because I don't know when he will start drowning me, or the scene will begin. I keep relaxing from the water, closing my eyes, and then startling and taking a deep breath and moving my head, opening my eyes, thinking I'm about to be pushed under, but he only smiles at me. As the water fills the tub almost halfway, he goes down on me, putting his head underwater to do it. I remember thinking, "do we have to do this before we can play?" but I remain passive and don't say anything. Somewhere along the lines, dirt starts floating around in the tub, and I say I don't want to be drowned "in that." He gets out of the tub, and even though I don't touch anything, the water drains. I wash the sides of the tub with the showerhead, recheck the drain, and start filling the tub again.
He pushes me under the running water, and I can't hold my breath as long, because I'm surprised. I choke and cough, and he lets me back up again. I'm all smiles, it's something I've missed so much. He gets back into the tub. We talk as the tub fills back up, about random things, but not the talk we need to have. It's like we are feeling each other out, emotionally, to see where we stand. He looks me in the eyes and says, "Thank you for trusting me to do this, I didn't think you would." And then he pushes me underwater before I answer, as I'm thinking about how to explain that I don't know why I am perfectly fine with this, I have no doubts that I am safe, I have perfect trust, even as I'm underwater and running out of air. But we do need to talk, there are things I don't trust him with, and I tell myself that we will talk about it as soon as this is over. I need to breathe. I start struggling, and he keeps me underwater. Soon I struggle harder, I reach out of the water and grab his arm, I start to slap at him, but I realize on the second "tap" and stop myself from doing our signaled 3-tap tapping-out. I trust. more time passes. I have water in my mouth, there is no air that I'm holding onto to use. Finally, he lets me up, and I breathe, I lean onto him and breathe heavily for a while. And smile. I love the drowning. But then after a while, I realize he's done. I ask him if he doesn't mind, to just do it one more time. He doesn't really answer, just gets out and grabs a towel. Just like that, it's over.
We go somewhere else together, and I see a rainbow, and stupid random things happen, involving every store he looks at on his phone being pornographic, and I make a walmart/condom joke, and his mother shows up right before I say the word condom, so I shut up really quickly. And I never talk to him, about the trust issues.
When I woke up I wanted to go in there. I wanted to snuggle and tell him about the dream and... I wanted everything to be normal again. I even thought about texting him.
But I wanted non sexual snuggles, and wanted the bed to be clean, lol.
I don't know how this is going to work, at some point we have to talk.
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