Life choices.

I can't sleep.

I can't stop thinking about the neighbor, who still has all these hopes and dreams of things he wanted to do 20'years ago, that he put on hold because he wasn't able to do it, but still has a plan for what he wants done with his house. He still has ideas that he can never build on his own now.

And I got stuck thinking about how badly I want to plant fruit trees and nut trees at every house we live in, because I had a pear tree, and persimmon trees, and a fig bush, and black walnut trees and a pecan tree around when I grew up. It was one of my favorite things as a kid. And I love the thought of planting trees and watching them grow! And having black walnuts. I miss that. 

But then I think about my family again. I miss how close we all were when I was younger. And look at us now! My sisters used to be inseparable. They had absolute best friends they never thought they would grow apart from. My grandparents were my favorite people to visit. And now I am scared to be around them because I don't even know what to talk about. They never want to teach me anything, and I want so badly to learn. To be able to remember something about them. 

And I look at how it's all playing out, and life breaks my heart. And I am scared to have kids. I am scared not to have kids. Hell, I'm scared just to have my tonsils taken out. (And scared not to.) I feel like we will outlive everyone we know, and then be alone, and I don't know what we will do then! 

I want to get closer to Sam, because he's the only one I've felt close to in a long time. I want to give him as much help as he needs to grow up and be a good person, with opportunities and a working knowledge of how to take care of himself. 

And all of these life goals are vague and don't really add up to anything, that I know of. 

I mean, what does it even matter if I plant trees? If no one will ever get to enjoy them. 

And I keep thinking about how nana got to travel, and how nice that would be. To see another country. And then I think that I would like to take her somewhere again, that she can get excited about. 

And we need to visit your parents too. And do what I don't know. That's always the hard part for me, I like having a plan, not just sitting and staring at people. Because I'm bad at talking. So I like to go... Do things .... with people.

I sort of have an idea to do with the cooking, but I don't know if we can make it work. But it would really have to be worth it to you, to get your degree. Maybe you could talk to Denise? Her husband is a chef, in Atlanta. And I think you could be honest with them about what you are looking for from it, about event planning for kink events.