Can't sleep

I'm not happy. 

I know it's not true, but I feel like I have never been happy and will never be happy again.

I bicker and nag and bitch and I blame everyone else, but I don't think I would be happy even if everything was perfect. I don't think I even really know what I want.

I tried to think about what I want, and what things make me happy, and the only thing I could think of was pain. That's not even true. I'm not always happy when I'm hurting. I bitch about that too! 

I say that I want him to spend time with me, but in his famous words, "and do what?"

I feel lost and broken. 

I remember people saying they always think of how much of a happy person I am, they never see me without a smile. At least, that was what people said about me when I was growing up.  I was always happy because there was no reason not to be happy. It's the opposite now. I got older, I learned about death (15, my grandma bowman), war (9-11), rejection (people being mean to another person for no reason, high school), disease (I remember someone explaining AIDS to me at church, the first time I learned there were sicknesses that can kill you that can't be cured). All this suffering and emptiness. I don't think I ever recovered from it. I feel like I carry around all the pain I've ever seen and I ache that nothing I do will ever make a difference, and even if I make one person smile or save a life, we all die anyway, so what will it matter?  I know this is dark, and heavy, and no one ever wants to talk about it. I don't even want to talk about it, but I always hope someone will be able to say something that makes it just a little better, just a little easier to sleep. 

I feel like I should stop speaking, because everything I say comes out hateful. I should only answer questions and speak when I am required to. 

I'm not cleaning the bathroom. I know I'm supposed to. It's not meant as defiance. Rather, I need reassurance that my actions or lack thereof matter in some way in relation to my rules and life as a slave. I don't get rewarded normally for completing tasks, but I also don't get punished for failure other than verbally, and I'm starting to wonder if there is any point in obedience if it changes nothing.