Time to put on your big girl panties.

Grow the fuck up.
No, really. I mean it.
As adults, we are supposed to be responsible. I don't even really mean BE responsible here. I mean, stop doing the same stupid thing over and over again and bitching when you end up fucking yourself over.
Just take ONE fucking SECOND and think your action through before you do it. Think, "Is this a stupid idea? Will this cause me pain, discomfort, or annoyance in the future?"
If the answer is yes, you lose any right to bitch about it later.

Stop taking a nap in the middle of the day, and bitching about how you can't sleep at night.
Stop ordering steak at a restaurant that can't cook steak, and bitching about it when they fuck it up.
On that note, don't order seafood anywhere that isn't a seafood restaurant.
Don't start smoking and then bitch about how you can't stop coughing, you need to quit, you get headaches when you go too long without a pack of cigarettes, and you never have any money because you spend it all on smoking, lighters, e-cigs to stop smoking, and replacement parts and juice for your e-cig that constantly breaks.
Stop dating people who break other people, and crying when you get your heart broken.
Wear a fucking seat belt.
If you don't at least make an effort to lose weight, don't bitch about that extra weight you don't want. (Watching other people exercise on TV doesn't count as making an effort. Neither does making a "Diet" board on pinterest)
Don't bitch about how fat you are **while you're eating.**
Don't go grocery shopping while you are hungry.
Don't spend money you don't have.
Don't spend someone else's money that you do have.
If you fall off that and break your leg, don't come running to me.
Don't bitch about how your phone is dying when you NEVER EVER charge it.
Check what time the store closes before you drive an hour+ to go shopping.
Measure twice, cut once.  You did it wrong the first time, *trust me.*
Don't stop taking your meds because you feel great right now. That means they're working. And for them to KEEP working, you have to KEEP taking them.
Don't say anything you might regret while on your period.


Stop being self-destructive and expecting everyone around you to give a damn that your stupid decisions ended badly.

Spontaneous activities

Have a rubber band fight/war with teams

Build-a-bear

Go to carowinds

Go to some park and make a picnic with Italian bread and cheese, and some canned drinks

Spend $50 at a fair or chuck e cheese trying to win a stuffed animal etc eat cotton candy and dipndots and popcorn and make a huge mess

Make a steampunk fun out of a nerd gun from goodwill

Visit a Tandy leather store

Walk around some storefront area in a (semi?) big city and just look at the shops, and maybe buy one overpriced thing.

Go bookstore hunting for finds. Take a book wish list and make it a scavenger hunt.  

Buy an NES and some games. Spend a weekend taking turns playing Zelda, eating kid food, and sleeping on a bunch of blankets in the living room.

Disney movie weekend. Or one a night for a week.

Make a piñata 

Fill Matt's room with balloons while he is at school. Leave before he gets home? 

Stay overnight at a hotel with a heated pool just to go swimming. And maybe scene. Wine, candles and m and ms sound romantic? 

Gem mining

Go to an apple festival and buy something. 

Pick fruit from trees. Plant a fruit tree. Or nut tree. 

Play on a playground, with swings and slides and things to climb.

Go to the beach, sandcastle, shop at the not awful stores if we can find them. Eat fresh fish somewhere. Puke later.

Go to a concert.

Build a small piece of dungeon furniture, and use it. 

Smoke a cigar

Explore someplace pretty with a camera around dusk. Take sunset or artistic pictures.

Go somewhere fun and take fun pictures of each other. 

Buy some dog toys for the mutts. 

Learn to cook something completely new. Or make cheesecake again! Chocolate cheesecake. 

Bake a cheesecake because that shit was amazing.

Maintenance tomorrow.

Starting to worry that there is too. Much pressure on my Relly. 

He's been really unfocused the past week, and it seems like every time he sits down to do MAsT business he gets more worried and fidgety. 

I know he can do it, but I am afraid everything will slip, because of how much he has picked up at once. I feel like a good schedule, listing what day he works on what business would be very helpful for him, and allow him to focus on one business at a time, because I think doing them all at once is making things complicated for him. 

What with LHC, TLC, and MAsT, it's hard for him to have a personal life. 

I feel that having Lily around to help with other non business stuff could be used to our advantage rather than becoming another thing he has to do, work on, so to speak. If she can pull her own personal life together. I want his time with her to be relaxing, enjoyable for the both of them, and not burdened with random worries. I wish she could let go of her anxieties and enjoy his company a little more. 

I wish he could let go of his anxieties and enjoy my company a little more. I am desperate to be someone my husband wants to hang out with, a comfort, a good wife... Rather than a problem he has to fix or solve. I want to be a blessing, not a burden. And maybe I am not either at the moment. I'm not saying I exactly burden him, but I want my presence to relax him! I want to be there if he needs anything, and I want to walk into the room, and see him relax because I am there. I want to be the one he wants to talk to during smoke breaks. I want to strengthen his resolve and determination. I want to be the reason he goes to bat for all these causes. Ok well, sort of. I don't want him to feel he has to do all this stuff to prove himself to me... But if he has to prove himself to someone, I'd prefer it was me. Or himself. Or... Yoda. Fuck if I know. It's 5 AM, and I am fucking tired. But I know I want to be the sunshine in my husband's life. I want to be what makes him smile and realize he can carry on, he can do this, right before he would have given up. I want him to draw strength from me. 

With all my heart. 

I want to give my husband good memories. Fun times. Adventure. 

And maybe some really good sex. Definitely good sex. I hope he's 90 years old, thinking about that time he pumped my ass full of cum, and left me begging for more every time, because if I'm satisfied that means I stopped wanting it at some point.

Ok yeah I am way too tired cuz that got weird.

"Leadership."

(Ten points if you can tell me what show that's from.)

Ipsy August bag

1. Guara face mask stuff. For face cleansing and stuff.

2. Tarte Lip Gloss in Energy. It's supposed to change color based on your body temp to give you a uniquely colored lip gloss/color. It smells like cotton candy, but is NOT a Chapstick. It feels like glue when it is on my lips, and does not dry. Definitely not good for my lips, and I couldn't stop sticking and unsticking my lips from one another because it annoyed me. It's a tiny bottle, there's probably only a sample size in it anyway, and i tried it twice. 

3. Marc Anthony morocco hair oil. It says to put 2 or 3 drops in slightly damp hair, but does not explain why. Have not tried yet. I have actually heard of this brand though. 

4. Offra lip liner in wine. Was very excited about this one, until I opened it. Looked like it was going to be a dark pink from the color indicator on the stick, but it is actually brown. Not really my color. May end up keeping, but I think I'll probably trade it.

5. Starlooks Pro eyeliner pen. Doesn't say a color, but it's in black. It has a sponge type tip, and I was worried about it at first, but it is made to do eyeline wings. Didn't have much luck doing my lower eyeliner with it, I would have to use a different one for that. Honestly, I enjoyed it more as a way to draw on my body with a very fine line, like to do cool designs and temp tattoos.will give winged eyeline a try for a while though.

3 things I was very much looking forward to, two I can trade easily, and the bag too. I guess this month just wasn't for me so much. But I am still happy I got it, still excited. Not let down. New stuff to try is fun!  Oh and will probably be trading the bag, too. It's kind of... Plastic-y. 

Thank you for buying this for me! I love you! 

Destructively angry

Ok, my pissed off list.

Matt, for bitching forever about the drive and then not going to mast. 

Resolved, I put frowny face sticky notes all over his room, and am not angry anymore.

Song and red, for not showing up to mast. Wasn't frustrated before, but when I see online that song was sending red to a pay for entry play party the night before and she was making cheese dip, and they couldn't be bothered to let us know they wouldn't make it, and then red was on Fetlife commenting on pictures around 8 PM while we were all at Mast... Ugh, a lot of ways it could be explained and not be annoying, but honestly... Yeah I'm annoyed, even if it's not my business. I wish they would have at least let us know they weren't going.

D. I am really frustrated/pissed about this. Honestly I feel a little betrayed. D used to be all about my toys, seemed to like us, wanted to hang out, wanted to talk all the time, committed to do things with us. I am talking about LHC. I told her that I was looking for people I could count on, that last year everyone cancelled on me, and it was important that I have someone there who would be able to listen to me and follow directions... And she said she would be there. But when we told her she couldn't stay in our room, suddenly things got complicated and she had a bunch of reasons she couldn't go. Then it turned to a maybe when she was way too drunk and had tried to push my limits already that night. Now she can't go, at all, and I am just supposed to be ok with it. Because the first thing she did was say "are you mad at me?" With the I'm going to cry and be a little kid while I ask instead of an adult so you're stuck comforting me for letting you down and betraying your trust look all over her face... While I am alone with her so I have no back up to say, you know, I am fucking pissed. You said X and now you are backing out of a commitment that you promised months ago to fulfil. 

And she was all friendly and never ending text messages and comments on my Fetlife business page and encouragement. But I guess I didn't meet her expectations of friendship. I asked her not to call me Emmy anymore, and ... Pfft. 

She asked me to make her a toy with a certain bottle cap to certain specifications, length etc, and I made this toy. I knew how long it would take to make it, and she said she wouldn't be able to pay until MAsT in August- so I didn't waste time on it. Until she saw me working on other things I wanted to do, and she started asking about her toy, and seemed a lil upset that I was putting it off. So even though I knew she wouldn't have the money for it at the munch, I put in the extra hours to make her toy before the munch even though I had 2 other toys I had to have ready for another order that same day. And then we go to Mast and she doesn't show up or let me know she won't be there, so I am stuck carrying this toy around AGAIN. For no money. 

I hate having toys in the car waiting for someone who said they wanted the toy to actually pay me for it. Or show up to an event to pick it up. 

Last munch I had 

2 floggers for chille

1 flogger for song

2 floggers for smoke

1 flogger for dev

IN ORDERS! 6 floggers for people. Next month I am still going to be taking 3 of those floggers to the munch in case the people who have promised to pay me actually show up (with money this time).

It isn't just Devalon. This is my fucking business, and I feel like people are acting like I should cater to their every whim, and just be all oh no it's fine, pay when you can, or not, I'll hold this toy forever for you, it's not like I put my hard fucking work into it! It's not like I made your toy when I could have been making toys I'm actually able to sell for real, NOW, money... You know, money. Not the promise of money in the future, just good plain old cash. That's what I want. Promises are useless if I'm the only one keeping them. 

And smoke, if you ask me another stupid question, or ask people to make my toys instead of something they actually make, or try to get me to design something only you can have, or give you MY bottle caps to put on your toy or someone else's.... I'm going to put fucking lead paint and sharpened nails in your next flogger. It's my fucking trademark, the minecraft sword is MY ORIGINAL DESIGN and you shouldn't ask someone else to make it, it's fucking tasteless, ask them for one of their toys if you want to support a variety of local crafters... And if you don't like their shit, don't fucking buy it! Don't ask them to make my shit. That's disrespectful to BOTH OF US! You're telling them their toys aren't good enough, but for some reason you don't want to buy it from me. 

Show up to the things you say you will, keep your fucking commitments, pay your bills, and don't make knockoffs of other people's stuff. Fucking simple. Oh, and if you can't make it and have arranged to pay someone at the event you can't make it to, get off your ass and send a simple text message instead of standing them up! Dickheads.

Lyrics? Dunno. My head is making words.

My right hand pulls the belt tight around your neck

And my knee pushes down into your chest.

You close your eyes as the air is trapped and try to pretend 

This is the most helpless you have ever been. 

What happens when the pain on the outside is enough to reach the pain within? 

For once it evens out. Renewed again. Time to start back like nothing is wrong. 

Close your eyes and pretend I'll hurt you for real.

Funny how falling and flying feel the same.

Swallow your scream like you gag on a pill

I will keep you safe so I can be the only one to make you cry, scream, beg. 

What's wrong with your fearless eyes 

Why don't you learn to fake a smile? 

You beat up the monster in your closet, 

Invited the bogeyman into your bed

So why are you helplessly trapped

Can't fight your way out of your own head?

Time rolls slow motion backward like a black and white movie

Feel like you have to pay for your every sin. 

To wake up on time.

Wake up 10 AM

Pee, pills, clothing

Dogs, dishwasher, dirty clothes.

Start coffee, wipe counters, rinse crock pot

Serve coffee at 11 AM

Relły coffee, smoke, pee, and clothes

Relly call landlord and gas company

Emily make sandwiches or tacos

Eat. Check wow mail and followers - mug thol 

Wash up, clean up bedroom to give space to work. 

Make bed, sweep by dog crate, and move leather tools to bedroom

Make dragontail, minecraft sword, and/or paddle flogger

Take a smoke break with Relly. Spray handle with poly. 

Spray again within 2 hours. 

Maintenance 

Buy hardware I need for handles. From lowes. Wood filler? Eye hooks. More tune oil. Tack cloths. 400 or higher sandpaper. Possibly something small to sharpen knives with for woodcarving. 

Ask Relly to turn blade around on saw. 

Processing model.

Her pain started slowly, but it built fast. 

Standing naked, hands tied behind so that she could lean forward and move them up, but she could not lower her hands past her waist, her legs spread apart by chains as a sawhorse was pushed under her. 

They jacked it up, one inch at a time until it was barely touching her skin. Then they started pulling her legs farther apart. It was just shoulder width, wide stance but comfortable standing. Now she couldn't even bring her knees together and the sawhorse was snug in between her thighs. They kept pulling her legs farther apart, and it was pushing her body down into the sawhorse, and pulling her arms up uncomfortably. She moaned as the pain started, but softly to herself. 

Now he came over to her and pulling her hair softly out of the way, put the leather hood over her face, and buckled it on. The horse got higher again, another inch, and she made a soft sound of protest. When it went an inch higher, she lifted to her toes to try to get away from the pain. 

"Almost... Just one more. Just a little more." 

It went higher one more time, and she couldn't get away from the pain now. It wasn't the worst pain in the world, but that didn't mean she had to like it. 

"Perfect. Ok, we're ready. Just a few minutes, and we'll be done." 

Like always, the photographer took forever taking 100s of pictures trying to get the right angle, the right lighting, the right mood. Her feet started to ache from staying on her toes and so she had to let her weight fall more onto her crotch to give her feet a break. She grimaced and moaned when she put her weight down, incidentally lifting her arms behind her as well, making her shoulders ache a little louder. The leather hood muffled most of the sound, but as she felt the pain, she heard the photographer scurrying a little more quickly and enthusiastically than he had been a moment before. 

"That's good, raw feeling, perfect." 

Without the light or much noise, time seemed to drag on. She tried to lean forward a little to relieve her shoulders hurting but had to jump back as she felt the weight on her clit. A breeze stirred through the room as someone turned on a fan. It had been getting a little warm, especially with the hood, but now she felt a gentle familiar tingling in her nipples. Just the movement of air brushing against her seemed to wake up her body, and to force the pain out, she dug deep inside herself to feel the emotion, the sexual emotion in her body. 

It worked a little. She was able to handle the pain more, but now she found herself grinding on the sawhorse in the darkness of the hood, her small intimate world, while she was being displayed and photographed. It was weird how those two feelings and ideas could coexist. Pain and pleasure, enclosed and exposed. Simultaneously.