Today Carly carved her pumpkin, and it turned out amazing. she has never carved a pumpkin before, and she did the carving part better than I ever have.
Emily made a whip yesterday for our sister Beckie's halloween costume. She wants to keep it.
I'm trying to ignore Relly and Carly. they are sort of fighting. I know it's not really fighting, because she just doesn't understand what He's saying (She keeps being disrespectful, backtalking, and correcting Him when He says things. And says she thinks his instructions are stupid.) about things. And she does it in front of people, not just when we're alone. If she disagrees, she can not keep it to herself. ever. And she won't shut up about it.
I won some hearthstone game quests.
It's time for me to go to bed, and now I have to wait for Him to explain to her AGAIN why she shouldn't get a determined look on her face and look up what he told her, and then wave the info in front of him. I hate waiting to go to bed when i asked a while ago to be put in bed, and now I her being bad gets to go in front of my being patient, and nice and a good girl. It feels very unfair.
I made a non-pumpkin today. out of leather. I hate it and it's ugly.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I am having a very difficult time not being pissed at carly.
She is doing the least work possible at all times so she can sit on her ass and play wow.
She put meat in the freezer yesterday and didn't put it in a freezer bag. so now it is literally freezer-burned a day later when i need to use it.
she did the dishes in the kitchen (washed them) and left them wet and dripping on the counter.
She didn't even get the dishes from the living room before sitting back down to wow. they're still beside her.
SHE DOES NOT GET CREDIT FOR THE KITCHEN BEING CLEAN WHEN i AM DONE WITH DINNER. I DO.
I put in the work to finish the things she left because she "doesn't know what to do with them"
I put away the spices, and the random dishes and threw away the trash on the counter and cleaned out the fridge and picked up the dirty dishes from all the rooms in the house (except the ones sitting right beside her)
And she has an attitude about it. I told her yesterday to put away the groceries so that she would know what we have. And she did it as quickly as possible and went back to wow.
And the trash in the kitchen is her responsibility an it's overflowing and I am so mad, but it's petty for me to throw my food scraps in it and make her clean it up later.
But I want to.
I want to stay quiet until I'm done cooking, adn then go in there and do as many fucking push-ups as I can. then take a break, and then do more. I want to push so hard and so many times that she learns a lesson.
I'm so angry. And I don't know how to process it, because he doesn't seem to think it's that bad, but I was the one who had to go behind her and fix it so I had space to cook. and it hurts.
She is doing the least work possible at all times so she can sit on her ass and play wow.
She put meat in the freezer yesterday and didn't put it in a freezer bag. so now it is literally freezer-burned a day later when i need to use it.
she did the dishes in the kitchen (washed them) and left them wet and dripping on the counter.
She didn't even get the dishes from the living room before sitting back down to wow. they're still beside her.
SHE DOES NOT GET CREDIT FOR THE KITCHEN BEING CLEAN WHEN i AM DONE WITH DINNER. I DO.
I put in the work to finish the things she left because she "doesn't know what to do with them"
I put away the spices, and the random dishes and threw away the trash on the counter and cleaned out the fridge and picked up the dirty dishes from all the rooms in the house (except the ones sitting right beside her)
And she has an attitude about it. I told her yesterday to put away the groceries so that she would know what we have. And she did it as quickly as possible and went back to wow.
And the trash in the kitchen is her responsibility an it's overflowing and I am so mad, but it's petty for me to throw my food scraps in it and make her clean it up later.
But I want to.
I want to stay quiet until I'm done cooking, adn then go in there and do as many fucking push-ups as I can. then take a break, and then do more. I want to push so hard and so many times that she learns a lesson.
I'm so angry. And I don't know how to process it, because he doesn't seem to think it's that bad, but I was the one who had to go behind her and fix it so I had space to cook. and it hurts.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Back from LHC.
Things to remember that make me so proud and encouraged, and validated!
"and he turned and said to me, 'she's crazy like you' and I said, 'umm, that water's pretty damn cold, I don't know if I'd do that'" My favorite adorable gay man from the tradesmen.
"They look like they were made for you. They belonged to my cub, my daughter." Mama Vi Johnson
"Those chaps were given to you by Vi Johnson and you don't know whether they are yours to wear to the dinner? Fuck yes they are!" Master Rick
"You asked me to show you what the future of leather looks like. Disregard the gender, and look at this couple for a moment. Look at the love and devotion of these two people, look at the heart. This is what the future of MAsT is going to look like." Mama Vi, talking to Master Taino... about my Master and me!! I sat there in shock!
"For years, I had begun to believe that a real slave did not exist, that it was not possible to find a person who would be happy in that position. And then I met you. You showed me that slaves can really exist!" DaddySpanks
My Master, going up in front of the whole group and telling me that I deserve my boots, that I have earned them, that I am His strength and that He loves and needs me and putting my boots on me... All while I'm bawling my eyes out for the hundredth time. I have really, really. Honestly and truly earned my boots. I am so proud of my leather. It is 100% mine. I don't doubt it now. I had so much doubt about myself and my worth and whether anyone noticed. It's completely gone now.
The moment jumping into the pool. Someone took a video of it, and I'd like to post that on fetlife. It was a complete shock to my skin. I was instantly (but only for the first instant, and only on my skin) covered in freezing ice cold water. I was afraid because I didn't know what to expect, and it hurt, I guess, but it was really just the most amazing feeling, even if it only lasted a second. I jumped in, and then, because of the complete rush of awesomeness and because I wanted everyone to know I was ok, I threw my hands up in the air... and everyone cheered for me.
Realizing that one of the people who saw me naked when they were towelling me off and keeping me warm was Jo Arnone and then finding out who she is, and what she has done for the community, and that she thinks I have nice tits ("this is purely for medical support") really put me in shock.
3 kisses on the lips from Gypsy. One after I jumped into the outdoor pool in 40 degree weather to raise money for LHC ($200), one when I gave her the $2025 total from the silent auction and blush brush sales ($90), and the last one after she gave me my LHC patch, but before we left to go home.
"Now we can start learning." Gypsy, referring to us getting back on track with the mentoring program. She wants to read my essays, and I hope, give me advice and encouragement on it.
Mr Wolf instigating me being given chaps.
The moment when I realized that even though I don't like a few people, I still respect and admire them.
My heroes have told me that I am a good girl. They respect me. They see me as family, as one of their own. It's so amazing and wonderful, but it's so unreal and hard to accept.
Things to remember that make me so proud and encouraged, and validated!
"and he turned and said to me, 'she's crazy like you' and I said, 'umm, that water's pretty damn cold, I don't know if I'd do that'" My favorite adorable gay man from the tradesmen.
"They look like they were made for you. They belonged to my cub, my daughter." Mama Vi Johnson
"Those chaps were given to you by Vi Johnson and you don't know whether they are yours to wear to the dinner? Fuck yes they are!" Master Rick
"You asked me to show you what the future of leather looks like. Disregard the gender, and look at this couple for a moment. Look at the love and devotion of these two people, look at the heart. This is what the future of MAsT is going to look like." Mama Vi, talking to Master Taino... about my Master and me!! I sat there in shock!
"For years, I had begun to believe that a real slave did not exist, that it was not possible to find a person who would be happy in that position. And then I met you. You showed me that slaves can really exist!" DaddySpanks
My Master, going up in front of the whole group and telling me that I deserve my boots, that I have earned them, that I am His strength and that He loves and needs me and putting my boots on me... All while I'm bawling my eyes out for the hundredth time. I have really, really. Honestly and truly earned my boots. I am so proud of my leather. It is 100% mine. I don't doubt it now. I had so much doubt about myself and my worth and whether anyone noticed. It's completely gone now.
The moment jumping into the pool. Someone took a video of it, and I'd like to post that on fetlife. It was a complete shock to my skin. I was instantly (but only for the first instant, and only on my skin) covered in freezing ice cold water. I was afraid because I didn't know what to expect, and it hurt, I guess, but it was really just the most amazing feeling, even if it only lasted a second. I jumped in, and then, because of the complete rush of awesomeness and because I wanted everyone to know I was ok, I threw my hands up in the air... and everyone cheered for me.
Realizing that one of the people who saw me naked when they were towelling me off and keeping me warm was Jo Arnone and then finding out who she is, and what she has done for the community, and that she thinks I have nice tits ("this is purely for medical support") really put me in shock.
3 kisses on the lips from Gypsy. One after I jumped into the outdoor pool in 40 degree weather to raise money for LHC ($200), one when I gave her the $2025 total from the silent auction and blush brush sales ($90), and the last one after she gave me my LHC patch, but before we left to go home.
"Now we can start learning." Gypsy, referring to us getting back on track with the mentoring program. She wants to read my essays, and I hope, give me advice and encouragement on it.
Mr Wolf instigating me being given chaps.
The moment when I realized that even though I don't like a few people, I still respect and admire them.
My heroes have told me that I am a good girl. They respect me. They see me as family, as one of their own. It's so amazing and wonderful, but it's so unreal and hard to accept.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
My Leather Boots.
boots boots booots boots boots.
:D
sp sleepy. sposed to be in bed. had to write it down though.
So important. and happy and sexy and badass.
happy happy happy and BOOTS and they fit and I love them and ... yummy.
:D
sp sleepy. sposed to be in bed. had to write it down though.
So important. and happy and sexy and badass.
happy happy happy and BOOTS and they fit and I love them and ... yummy.
Friday, October 18, 2013
frustrated.
I am exceedingly frustrated with Carly today.
I went to bed early. I woke up on time.
She is still asleep at 10:00 AM and probably will be until 11:00 AM when Master wakes up.
There are dishes in the sink that she left "to soak" (which means, the dishwasher is full and i don't want to handwash them)
There are no clean spoons, because
when she loaded the dishwasher, she didn't turn it on (I presume to buy herself time not having to do dishes in the morning after breakfast)
There hand towel that I was expecting wasn't there. This happens a lot in the mornings, and usually I'm the one to replace it.
The gnats are coming back again (they do that when she starts sleeping late and not doing things)
And I don't know if this is from her or not, but the chunk cheese was in the fridge without a wrapper/bag on it. Sitting on top of a baggie of uncooked bacon. I think this could be her, because she has a tendency to EMPTY something and either put it back (oh this makes me SO mad!!) or leave it out but not throw it away.
And I still think it's really unfair that as long as she gets up before him, she's not in trouble. I shouldn't be the only one up in the mornings!
I went to bed early. I woke up on time.
She is still asleep at 10:00 AM and probably will be until 11:00 AM when Master wakes up.
There are dishes in the sink that she left "to soak" (which means, the dishwasher is full and i don't want to handwash them)
There are no clean spoons, because
when she loaded the dishwasher, she didn't turn it on (I presume to buy herself time not having to do dishes in the morning after breakfast)
There hand towel that I was expecting wasn't there. This happens a lot in the mornings, and usually I'm the one to replace it.
The gnats are coming back again (they do that when she starts sleeping late and not doing things)
And I don't know if this is from her or not, but the chunk cheese was in the fridge without a wrapper/bag on it. Sitting on top of a baggie of uncooked bacon. I think this could be her, because she has a tendency to EMPTY something and either put it back (oh this makes me SO mad!!) or leave it out but not throw it away.
And I still think it's really unfair that as long as she gets up before him, she's not in trouble. I shouldn't be the only one up in the mornings!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
push-ups today
In one sitting, I did
25, caught my breath, 20, caught my breath, 5 more to even it out.
25, caught my breath, 20, caught my breath, 5 more to even it out.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
lots of thoughts.
I am in hush right now. Master put me in hush last night, it helps calm me. It helps me sleep and be unafraid.
The visit with Master's parents was the best we've had. They bought us both lots of stuff, which made me very anxious, but i got a lot of clothes I really like, and Master got a new pair of jeans and some shirts that he really needed. We ate out a lot. They spent a crazy amount of money while they were here. They were nice, they didn't say anything bad about us, or the house, or anything. It was really fun. I was so tired, but it as fun, and I'm so glad that he got to sped some good quality time with his parents.
It's almost 10:00 AM and Carly is still in bed. I've called her, and turned on the lights in her room. I'm finishing my journal before I wake him up, hopefully she'll be up by then.
I would like to request that I be allowed to stay in Hush long term today, when it's possible. I understand that it isn't possible around Major's parents, but it seems feasible for the rest of the day maybe. I feel it would allow me to follow orders better and concentrate more on my responsibilities than what everyone else should be doing. I very much feel it would help me feel more in my place. It was so jarring to hide my slavery for that long while they were here. I admit, having doors opened for me was very nice, and romantic and all, but I wouldn't give up following orders for it.
Side note: I feel that Master may be overestimating how much I try to get Carly in trouble though. I feel that more often than not, I am keeping her out of trouble, telling her what she needs to do before she gets in trouble for it.
This is my last mention of having sex outdoors. If we don't plan for it, it will not happen, and I know that I have been on the verge of nagging, using it in arguments. It's something I REALLY want, but it's getting colder every day, and This is my decision to drop it. If Master would like to talk about it, that is fine, but I will not bring it up on my own.
I am concerned that Carly is being pushed to say red too often. YES, it is important to get her comfortable with saying it, but it is also important that she know that play isn't meant to end in red EVERY time. Also, I'd hate for her to overuse red at LHC.
--and I don't like Major trying to take control over her. I was thinking about it, wondering why he doesn't play with me like this, because I can handle pain like that, and then I realized it's because he tried this, and I would not obey someone other than my Master just because they tried to tell me what to do. I resented it, because it did not begin with major asking, "may I?" before playing that he is going to bend my will to his.
AND I SUCK at this TP PYRAMID THING. HARD!!! I keep trying but I always mess it up. (maybe spankings or something would help?)
Thank you for considering my thoughts and concerns, Master.
The visit with Master's parents was the best we've had. They bought us both lots of stuff, which made me very anxious, but i got a lot of clothes I really like, and Master got a new pair of jeans and some shirts that he really needed. We ate out a lot. They spent a crazy amount of money while they were here. They were nice, they didn't say anything bad about us, or the house, or anything. It was really fun. I was so tired, but it as fun, and I'm so glad that he got to sped some good quality time with his parents.
It's almost 10:00 AM and Carly is still in bed. I've called her, and turned on the lights in her room. I'm finishing my journal before I wake him up, hopefully she'll be up by then.
I would like to request that I be allowed to stay in Hush long term today, when it's possible. I understand that it isn't possible around Major's parents, but it seems feasible for the rest of the day maybe. I feel it would allow me to follow orders better and concentrate more on my responsibilities than what everyone else should be doing. I very much feel it would help me feel more in my place. It was so jarring to hide my slavery for that long while they were here. I admit, having doors opened for me was very nice, and romantic and all, but I wouldn't give up following orders for it.
Side note: I feel that Master may be overestimating how much I try to get Carly in trouble though. I feel that more often than not, I am keeping her out of trouble, telling her what she needs to do before she gets in trouble for it.
This is my last mention of having sex outdoors. If we don't plan for it, it will not happen, and I know that I have been on the verge of nagging, using it in arguments. It's something I REALLY want, but it's getting colder every day, and This is my decision to drop it. If Master would like to talk about it, that is fine, but I will not bring it up on my own.
I am concerned that Carly is being pushed to say red too often. YES, it is important to get her comfortable with saying it, but it is also important that she know that play isn't meant to end in red EVERY time. Also, I'd hate for her to overuse red at LHC.
--and I don't like Major trying to take control over her. I was thinking about it, wondering why he doesn't play with me like this, because I can handle pain like that, and then I realized it's because he tried this, and I would not obey someone other than my Master just because they tried to tell me what to do. I resented it, because it did not begin with major asking, "may I?" before playing that he is going to bend my will to his.
AND I SUCK at this TP PYRAMID THING. HARD!!! I keep trying but I always mess it up. (maybe spankings or something would help?)
Thank you for considering my thoughts and concerns, Master.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
21 push ups this morning before Master told me to recover. Not permission, but an order to stop pushing myself. I should have done push-ups earlier than that today, and also yesterday when she was being a brat. But he doesn't like it. Even though it's the only thing I have when I am angry.
I tried to masturbate .. I spent 30 minutes or more trying to find a video that turned me on.
I found from 3:30 in this video http://www.xvideos.com/video3019809/bdsm_brunette_walked_down_the_streets_and_fucked_in_bus til the end. Two minutes. I tryied hard to hold on to that image until i got in the shower. In bursts my husband, singing a song from a musical made in the 1930s or so.
I spent my masturbation thinking about:
What still needs to be done today? Carly- Vacuum, make dinner, wash dishes.
I want to work on making those chaps.
Did i finish my to do list?
Master promised to have sex with me outside. I hope that happens before winter.
I must be impossible if I can't find my own clit. Ohh, that feels good-- damn, lost it.
FUCK! What movie was that song from? The sound of music. I can't believe he burst in on me singing THE SOUND OF FUCKING MUSIC.
Why is all my music on pandora suddenly complete and total shit?
this isn't going to happen, is it, self? No, I'm sorry self, this is not going to happen.
This is not a guilt trip. This is to help my Master understand the underlying thought process and possible grouchiness when i leave my room. I could not turn my head off, and that is not Master's fault. Or mine.
I tried to masturbate .. I spent 30 minutes or more trying to find a video that turned me on.
I found from 3:30 in this video http://www.xvideos.com/video3019809/bdsm_brunette_walked_down_the_streets_and_fucked_in_bus til the end. Two minutes. I tryied hard to hold on to that image until i got in the shower. In bursts my husband, singing a song from a musical made in the 1930s or so.
I spent my masturbation thinking about:
What still needs to be done today? Carly- Vacuum, make dinner, wash dishes.
I want to work on making those chaps.
Did i finish my to do list?
Master promised to have sex with me outside. I hope that happens before winter.
I must be impossible if I can't find my own clit. Ohh, that feels good-- damn, lost it.
FUCK! What movie was that song from? The sound of music. I can't believe he burst in on me singing THE SOUND OF FUCKING MUSIC.
Why is all my music on pandora suddenly complete and total shit?
this isn't going to happen, is it, self? No, I'm sorry self, this is not going to happen.
This is not a guilt trip. This is to help my Master understand the underlying thought process and possible grouchiness when i leave my room. I could not turn my head off, and that is not Master's fault. Or mine.
Monday, October 7, 2013
back again.
I have not blogged in forever. My phone is not working to text to blogger, and Master's laptop won't let me type on the blogger website. I haven't been on my computer since 10-4 except maybe to play wow (but not even long for that!)
I need to be journalling everyday with everything going on around us, changes being made so quickly to everything. I understand how important it is, I just have not made the time to do so lately. I am supposed to journal daily, according to my master, not just my own wants and needs.
I have a lot to talk about and very little time to do it.
I left my tools out overnight last night. I completely 100% forgot them. I had several prompting reminders that did not turn the light on in my head. I couldn't find the very last toy I made, which was outside. When we came home from the munch (last night) the porch door was unlocked and the upstairs outside light was on. I even locked the door and turned the light off!! I woke up and heard the rain this morning, and not until i was almost almost awake and ready for my day did it dawn on me that I hadn't brought anything back in before we left.
My hammer, my stapler, my bag of staples, and my new favorite blush brush (white outside with brown fuzz) were outside in the rain all night. I am literally disappointed in myself. My tools are so very important to me, and I need to take much better care of them.
I NEED to not let this happen again. I have to remember my tools. this isn't the first time I've forgotten things outside. I don't know how to train this behavior, and Master, I need your help.
I need to be journalling everyday with everything going on around us, changes being made so quickly to everything. I understand how important it is, I just have not made the time to do so lately. I am supposed to journal daily, according to my master, not just my own wants and needs.
I have a lot to talk about and very little time to do it.
I left my tools out overnight last night. I completely 100% forgot them. I had several prompting reminders that did not turn the light on in my head. I couldn't find the very last toy I made, which was outside. When we came home from the munch (last night) the porch door was unlocked and the upstairs outside light was on. I even locked the door and turned the light off!! I woke up and heard the rain this morning, and not until i was almost almost awake and ready for my day did it dawn on me that I hadn't brought anything back in before we left.
My hammer, my stapler, my bag of staples, and my new favorite blush brush (white outside with brown fuzz) were outside in the rain all night. I am literally disappointed in myself. My tools are so very important to me, and I need to take much better care of them.
I NEED to not let this happen again. I have to remember my tools. this isn't the first time I've forgotten things outside. I don't know how to train this behavior, and Master, I need your help.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Been waiting for Master to put me to bed since 11:20. That's when He discovered Carly asleep. Again. This is the third time she's overslept/ taken a nap she's not allowed/slept when she's supposed to be meeting a deadline. Today.
I find it incredibly unfair that I have to lose sleep waiting on her to be punished for getting more sleep than everyone else. (At the wrong times) I am currently out of bed past my curfew because she keeps going to bed during the day and staying up all night to play games.
He's really hurt and upset that she hasn't told him happy birthday, or even acted like she cares.
She broke our Me Too mug, one of the only things left from the two weeks before we were married. He's so angry, and she doesn't even apologize, she just KEEPS making excuses. He cried. That mug meant everything to him. It was a physical reminded of how much we love each other.
We went to the pottery place and painted today. I made a really pretty cat, and can't wait to go get it and see it when it's baked and pretty. His name is splashes.
My belly hurts and I had a hard time eating. I wanted to eat at 5:30 but carly was asleep, and we didn't have any milk, so we didn't get to get food until 9 something-- and then I couldn't eat it. I felt so sick. We had to go and get me a sandwich from somewhere else, and i sill didn't finish it.
Major got Daddy a computer mouse and his really wanted South park action figures!!! He was so excited, he started playing wow again. it was nice.
I'm really sleepy. I've been waiting an hour.
I find it incredibly unfair that I have to lose sleep waiting on her to be punished for getting more sleep than everyone else. (At the wrong times) I am currently out of bed past my curfew because she keeps going to bed during the day and staying up all night to play games.
He's really hurt and upset that she hasn't told him happy birthday, or even acted like she cares.
She broke our Me Too mug, one of the only things left from the two weeks before we were married. He's so angry, and she doesn't even apologize, she just KEEPS making excuses. He cried. That mug meant everything to him. It was a physical reminded of how much we love each other.
We went to the pottery place and painted today. I made a really pretty cat, and can't wait to go get it and see it when it's baked and pretty. His name is splashes.
My belly hurts and I had a hard time eating. I wanted to eat at 5:30 but carly was asleep, and we didn't have any milk, so we didn't get to get food until 9 something-- and then I couldn't eat it. I felt so sick. We had to go and get me a sandwich from somewhere else, and i sill didn't finish it.
Major got Daddy a computer mouse and his really wanted South park action figures!!! He was so excited, he started playing wow again. it was nice.
I'm really sleepy. I've been waiting an hour.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Master's birthday
22 push ups because I was upset with carly for being attitude-y while she was in hush. It's his birthday, and she's not even trying to be civil. It really makes me angry.
the AC is fixed now.
I feel like I'm in hush when she is, i get the same tingle, strings holding my lips closed mentally -- I don't want to talk when she's in hush, because I don't want to add to the issue.
the AC is fixed now.
I feel like I'm in hush when she is, i get the same tingle, strings holding my lips closed mentally -- I don't want to talk when she's in hush, because I don't want to add to the issue.
Happy Birthday, and puddle love sex.
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