He's not sleeping in bed with me tonight.  I made him really mad.

I don't know if this is my punishment or not, he said trust me as i went back to my room. But it hurts.

i feel really stupid. I'm so angry though. I wasn't even mad at him and he knew it. But then we started bickering and then I was mad at him instead of just myself.

I almost missed our nighttime routine because I didn't come out of my "safe zone" (closet) to him when he told me to.


Everything is such a mess.
I'm so disappointed I didn't finish my flogger today. I even used the skiver to try and make it work, but the leather kept slipping!! I tried 4 different times.  and I almost finished twice before it slipped off. I am so mad.


And nothing I DO ever matters. I guess I'm having another bible moment here, but it feels like what I'm saying is so much better described by the bible verse. That all our deeds are a pile of old rags if it isn't what God told us to do.  I do so many things but none of them matter if I don't have the right attitude, or follow the spoken orders when they come up.  (because my list of things to do were orders too, but that never gets noticed)

But it makes me so angry when I try so hard and I still can't ever get it right. I don't want to mess up. I WANT to do it right.  I wanted to give a bunch of floggers to the LHC and when i finished one that I didn't hate, I wanted to give it to Major. And if I can't get these knots done in a timely manner, or at least make sure that when I do one, I do it right the first time, I can't estimate how long they'll take or how many I can make before LHC, or even if I can finish one in two days. It's just not practical if it's not predictable.

I'm supposed to start my period tomorrow-ish.

FUCK everything is such a mess.

(I'm setting the posting date for tomorrow morning, but I'm writing this before I go to bed. I just don't want to start anything right now.)