Writing assignment?

Every time someone tried to push me before, I didn't want it. This fear that eats at me, the one that makes me sick to talk to people I don't know, the one that makes me sick to just be in front of more than 5 people at a time, and have their attention, even if I'm not talking- I never wanted to push it before. I never had something I wanted to do that happened to involve addressing a group.
I've had to do school speeches, and everyone always told me I just have to keep doing them and it will go away, or not be as bad, but it wasn't true. I would be relieved that I had survived when it was over, but that never made me less afraid or want to do it again. When I read the Going and Maybe Going list and counted 27 people listed, more than 2/3 of them that I didn't know, I was terrified. I still wanted to do it, though.
Master and some of my close friends gave me options in case I thought I couldn't do it. I told Master I was afraid, but I needed Him to help me push through it. I needed Him to help me do it because I knew I could, I was just afraid. I wanted to overcome that fear, at least long enough for this demo.
Master and I haven't played in public in over a year. That was the biggest thing I was dreading, more than the people. Nothing scares me more than people. I was afraid I would embarrass us, or not be able to handle it, or do something stupid to ruin it for one or both of us. He doesn't push my pain a lot, but I asked Him to do it for this.

And we did it. We played, and He helped me through the worst parts, payed attention to the little things that mean something to us, and I enjoyed the pain. As a masochist, I am supposed to enjoy it, obviously. Sometimes that happens in a different way, though. It's a screaming, I want to escape this, I love begging for it to stop kind of pain, where I enjoy fighting it. This time, I let the pain in a lot more than normal. In high school I realized if I focus just right, I can make the pain feel good. I lost that a little along the way, but I was able to do it last night. I was able to enjoy something that really hurt, and I actually liked it at the time it was happening, not later!

Everyone was so good, and helpful, and friendly, and nice to me afterward. I had brownies and chocolate and water and life was amazing. No shame, no fear.

Thank You Master, for making me stronger. I am especially empowered today. I've found out how to overcome the things I'm afraid of- I have to want to do them even though I'm afraid, and have no regrets.

And now I have to go, because I am starving after all the fun last night.