Punishment Entry

I got in trouble today. He warned me several days ago, when we started revamping our protocols after our big fight, that if I raised my voice to Him I would be in trouble. I didn't doubt Him when He said it, and i guess I did pretty well considering we normally don't go very long without fighting, and it's been several days before I actually forgot myself, but pretty good isn't what I'm working toward. That's what punishment is for though. If He warned me and then i never messed up again, I guess I learned from it, but probably not because He warned me, it was probably going to happen that way anyway. If there is a correction, it means that it's something I'm going to learn from I guess.

Or maybe i'm just avoiding talking about it.

The argument started when He said He was going to Tom's to smoke and then we would go to my Mom's house (we'd already sort of discussed this, but halfway through the discussion we were interrupted by a long phone conversation with major, and I was hopeful that we'd only do one or the other, or at least plan more before he left) and I didn't like that. i don't really know how else to put it. I didn't want Him to smell like smoke when we went to my parents house. I guess maybe i thought He was trying to avoid responsibilities, and I was worried that everything would end up being my problem at the last minute again. I threatened to not clean while He was gone, and He said i was being passive aggressive, which i was. He left the room, and I made up my mind to be good when He came back. To not say anything else that would cause problems, or to threaten. I really wanted Him to go have fun. He came back in, and hugged me, and the next thing I know we're fighting again.  He started to try and grab me, and i tried to move away. He grabbed my hair, I'm yelling that it's not fair that we're going to have to do all the work tomorrow , and try to pull away and then I'm on the floor anyway, and I'm so angry, and i punch him in the leg because I already know I've lost and then i start crying. He's on top of me and He tells me to stop it, and I try and hold my breath to stop crying and I guess it worked ok. He asks me what i am and with everything in me I hate Him for making me say it but I say that i'm a slave anyway (I never do that, it's so hard to say!) and He asks who is my master and i say You are. and He keeps going and makes me tell him that He tells me He's proud of me every night. And i think he's holding me now. And I say I wasn't really going to not-clean, I always say that, and then i clean everything, because I can't stand to see things not get done when it needs to get done.

And He says i'm not allowed to clean while he's gone.  What?  How did that happen?
Do you understand me?  I start to say Yes, and then ask what He means, and then i realize that's what he just asked me, because my brain is frozen and kind of screaming, "I don't understand, why can't I clean?"

And then we're sort of OK with each other again. But He has to punish me. I yelled at Him, and punched Him. I didn't expect it, but it doesn't surprise me either.

I take a second to collect my thoughts and switch back out to Emily 100% (Sorta Susy for a minute) and get on my knees on the floor in the submit position, bent over the bed. He picks up the long wooden paddle, and tells me he's not going to hold me this time afterwards. "Yes, Sir." Every time the paddle touches me, I can fell that He's lining up to hit me with it and I think "this is it, He'd going to hit me this time." It seems like He does the little touches to get in the right place forever before He hits me.  When He does it hurts and I try to get away and hold still at the same time. The next two aren't hard like i was afraid they would be, but they follow right away and hit the same spot. My brain was telling me that I couldn't take another hit that hard in the same spot and that was what was pushing me to run away. He's standing over me, and I'm waiting for another hit, adn he says it's over. Part of me starts to try and say no, i can take more, but that isn't the point. He hugs me from behind and i am holding face- i think this is the first time I haven't cried from a punishment, but I just cried so much a minute ago, maybe I don't have anything left. He lets me go and I burrow back down into position to hide my face and as He leaves the room I cry again for a little bit, but He comes back. 

We talk a little back and forth about what i can and can't do while He's gone.

• I'm allowed to shower and try to keep scrubbing off the sharpy marks from our big fight a week ago. 
• I'm supposed to work on my essay
• I'm supposed to blog my punishment
• I'm allowed to wash my alliance shirt that He bought me yesterday (I need to post a pic)
• I'm supposed to hang up our Leather Vests while He's gone
• I looked up why his flash drive wouldn't work and it said that drive wasn't compatible, so i'm not sure if i still need to find a picture for it or not. 

Also, i walked the dogs and ate. 

He said i don't have to shower.  The only thing I haven't done yet is shower, work on my essay, And find a picture for the car background.