Thursday, May 30, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Writing assignment?
Every time someone tried to push me before, I didn't want it. This fear that eats at me, the one that makes me sick to talk to people I don't know, the one that makes me sick to just be in front of more than 5 people at a time, and have their attention, even if I'm not talking- I never wanted to push it before. I never had something I wanted to do that happened to involve addressing a group.
I've had to do school speeches, and everyone always told me I just have to keep doing them and it will go away, or not be as bad, but it wasn't true. I would be relieved that I had survived when it was over, but that never made me less afraid or want to do it again. When I read the Going and Maybe Going list and counted 27 people listed, more than 2/3 of them that I didn't know, I was terrified. I still wanted to do it, though.
Master and some of my close friends gave me options in case I thought I couldn't do it. I told Master I was afraid, but I needed Him to help me push through it. I needed Him to help me do it because I knew I could, I was just afraid. I wanted to overcome that fear, at least long enough for this demo.
Master and I haven't played in public in over a year. That was the biggest thing I was dreading, more than the people. Nothing scares me more than people. I was afraid I would embarrass us, or not be able to handle it, or do something stupid to ruin it for one or both of us. He doesn't push my pain a lot, but I asked Him to do it for this.
And we did it. We played, and He helped me through the worst parts, payed attention to the little things that mean something to us, and I enjoyed the pain. As a masochist, I am supposed to enjoy it, obviously. Sometimes that happens in a different way, though. It's a screaming, I want to escape this, I love begging for it to stop kind of pain, where I enjoy fighting it. This time, I let the pain in a lot more than normal. In high school I realized if I focus just right, I can make the pain feel good. I lost that a little along the way, but I was able to do it last night. I was able to enjoy something that really hurt, and I actually liked it at the time it was happening, not later!
Everyone was so good, and helpful, and friendly, and nice to me afterward. I had brownies and chocolate and water and life was amazing. No shame, no fear.
Thank You Master, for making me stronger. I am especially empowered today. I've found out how to overcome the things I'm afraid of- I have to want to do them even though I'm afraid, and have no regrets.
And now I have to go, because I am starving after all the fun last night.
I've had to do school speeches, and everyone always told me I just have to keep doing them and it will go away, or not be as bad, but it wasn't true. I would be relieved that I had survived when it was over, but that never made me less afraid or want to do it again. When I read the Going and Maybe Going list and counted 27 people listed, more than 2/3 of them that I didn't know, I was terrified. I still wanted to do it, though.
Master and some of my close friends gave me options in case I thought I couldn't do it. I told Master I was afraid, but I needed Him to help me push through it. I needed Him to help me do it because I knew I could, I was just afraid. I wanted to overcome that fear, at least long enough for this demo.
Master and I haven't played in public in over a year. That was the biggest thing I was dreading, more than the people. Nothing scares me more than people. I was afraid I would embarrass us, or not be able to handle it, or do something stupid to ruin it for one or both of us. He doesn't push my pain a lot, but I asked Him to do it for this.
And we did it. We played, and He helped me through the worst parts, payed attention to the little things that mean something to us, and I enjoyed the pain. As a masochist, I am supposed to enjoy it, obviously. Sometimes that happens in a different way, though. It's a screaming, I want to escape this, I love begging for it to stop kind of pain, where I enjoy fighting it. This time, I let the pain in a lot more than normal. In high school I realized if I focus just right, I can make the pain feel good. I lost that a little along the way, but I was able to do it last night. I was able to enjoy something that really hurt, and I actually liked it at the time it was happening, not later!
Everyone was so good, and helpful, and friendly, and nice to me afterward. I had brownies and chocolate and water and life was amazing. No shame, no fear.
Thank You Master, for making me stronger. I am especially empowered today. I've found out how to overcome the things I'm afraid of- I have to want to do them even though I'm afraid, and have no regrets.
And now I have to go, because I am starving after all the fun last night.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Essay : Desired house features
Things I am personally looking for in a house.
A nice kitchen, with lots of cabinet space.
A fenced in back yard or a good place to walk the dogs
2+ bedrooms
A place to work on and store my crafts
A few small areas for me to cuddle up in
Closet space/storage areas in bedrooms and kitchen
Place for the box in our bedroom
Hot water for longer than 30 minutes
Good water pressure
A place for a garden would be nice, but not required.
Wood floors would be nice, but not required. Carpet is discouraged
Things that we should look for to entertain/have social gatherings:
Parking
Privacy
High ceilings
Kitchen adjoining the dining/living area
Open living areas
A nice kitchen, with lots of cabinet space.
A fenced in back yard or a good place to walk the dogs
2+ bedrooms
A place to work on and store my crafts
A few small areas for me to cuddle up in
Closet space/storage areas in bedrooms and kitchen
Place for the box in our bedroom
Hot water for longer than 30 minutes
Good water pressure
A place for a garden would be nice, but not required.
Wood floors would be nice, but not required. Carpet is discouraged
Things that we should look for to entertain/have social gatherings:
Parking
Privacy
High ceilings
Kitchen adjoining the dining/living area
Open living areas
Birthday
My birthday was great! This whole month has been great!
For my birthday:
I got my hair done
Strawberries
Leather supplies, chicago screws, and bracelet snaps
Stuffed animals
sticky notes and a pen to write on them
Earrings
A new wow patch that lets me get more pets!
Master has been making big changes and we're doing more with protocols and punishments
I've been making more toys!
More duct tape!
Socks (that I'm wearing right now!)
And another really useful box :)
AND SEX that was really really awesome.
For my birthday:
I got my hair done
Strawberries
Leather supplies, chicago screws, and bracelet snaps
Stuffed animals
sticky notes and a pen to write on them
Earrings
A new wow patch that lets me get more pets!
Master has been making big changes and we're doing more with protocols and punishments
I've been making more toys!
More duct tape!
Socks (that I'm wearing right now!)
And another really useful box :)
AND SEX that was really really awesome.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Objectification/humiliation links to more info
What classifies AS objectification?
Includes several links to useful photos as well as some people listing why they prefer different types, such as being "put away" after being used for sex
Speech Restrictions Post
I particularly liked this comment
"Speech Protocols - Two types:
For Pleasure
Because you can.
For Purpose.
It's all about reminder - staying in the NOW. Remembering identity and place.
It's not what W/we do; it's who W/we are.
NO Personal Pronouns. Third person present tense only.
"it requests".
SIR YES SIR/MAM YES MAM means three things basically.
it hears
it understands
it complies
Ownership includes ownership of ALL body parts including muscles (Brain and tongue)
LOVE tongue bondage!
Furthermore whatever goes in or out of all orifices in the body belong to the Owner.
It's not all on the Controller either. Follow suit! Role Model. Make it Real!
Every transaction is a Power Exchange."
Objectification, (for the purpose of)Humiliation & Degradation
Ideas for types of Objectification
Another view onhow to humiliate with objectification
Includes several links to useful photos as well as some people listing why they prefer different types, such as being "put away" after being used for sex
Speech Restrictions Post
I particularly liked this comment
"Speech Protocols - Two types:
For Pleasure
Because you can.
For Purpose.
It's all about reminder - staying in the NOW. Remembering identity and place.
It's not what W/we do; it's who W/we are.
NO Personal Pronouns. Third person present tense only.
"it requests".
SIR YES SIR/MAM YES MAM means three things basically.
it hears
it understands
it complies
Ownership includes ownership of ALL body parts including muscles (Brain and tongue)
LOVE tongue bondage!
Furthermore whatever goes in or out of all orifices in the body belong to the Owner.
It's not all on the Controller either. Follow suit! Role Model. Make it Real!
Every transaction is a Power Exchange."
Objectification, (for the purpose of)Humiliation & Degradation
Ideas for types of Objectification
Another view onhow to humiliate with objectification
Essay Humiliation VS Objectification
embarrassment: Considered the emotional equivalent of bad pain. Humiliation beyond the recipient’s limits; may cause long-term negative aftereffects.
humiliation; humiliation play: Although the two terms are somewhat synonymous, “humiliation” is considered good pain in BDSM circles, while “embarrassment” is bad pain. Humiliation can come about in a variety of ways, from gentle teasing to objectification. Like pain, humiliation is desired by many submissive personalities, as well as being pleasurable or entertaining to many Dominants. It can also be a tool for pushing limits, or even (carefully) punishment. Humiliation can be psychologically very intense, and should be explored gradually.
objectification: The subject is dehumanized; treated as an animal, slave, furniture, toy, etc.\\
dollification: the process of evolving, mentally and physically, into a "living doll." Individuals
who desire this process-as well as those who are in the midst of the process or have already achieved an end result-may be described as "dolls," and most desire as well to be owned. The
parties involved in dollification are referred to as "Owner"and "doll"; this is comparable to a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship.
Mental traits of a doll include but are not limited to: enjoyment of objectification and natural subservience, the underlying will to be transformed through one's own and/or outside forces into a living doll, ultimately, the capacity to feel/see oneself in a dollific manner, which the doll will continuously strive to achieve and/or improve.
While not all who possess these innate qualities will embrace them, it will not change that it is part of who they are by nature.
Physical traits of a doll-in process or complete-include but are not limited to: corsets, stiletto heels, thigh highs/stockings, rubber/vinyl/plastic suits, dresses, skirts, makeup, etc. along with all other body modifications. Long hair to a shaved head, A-cup to DD (and larger), any height, clothed or not, still to feisty-the physical traits are all relative to each individual doll and its own fit into and relationship with dollification.
Ultimately the ideal physical aspect of the doll is set forth by the doll itself, an Owner, or a combination of both.
Note: It is important to realize that there is no intention here to degrade or diminish the doll-particularly, as it may appear to some, in comparison with the Owner. This is a symbiotic
relationship: Yin and Yang. Those who are familiar with M/s or D/s relationships are aware of the innate equality of such relationships, paradoxical though it may seem. -@Vanille
These definitions are found in the glossary section of the BDSM Glossary Group
wishlist for birthday stuff
gum
candy
sunflower seeds
english breakfast or earl gray tea
Doohickies for projects!!!
more really useful boxes (filled up my last one today)
fortune cookies
yummy ice cream (mint chocolate chip breyers or magnum ice cream bars)
notebooks sharpies sticky notes in odd shapes
file cabinet
more pretty earrings
A vibrator that won't die on me!!!
adding stuff to this list, too.
candy
sunflower seeds
english breakfast or earl gray tea
Doohickies for projects!!!
more really useful boxes (filled up my last one today)
fortune cookies
yummy ice cream (mint chocolate chip breyers or magnum ice cream bars)
notebooks sharpies sticky notes in odd shapes
file cabinet
more pretty earrings
A vibrator that won't die on me!!!
adding stuff to this list, too.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
Writing Assignment: Objectification
Objectification.
I was looking through the objectification group, and I found this thread, Objectification in a Public Setting. The OP was looking for ways to make her "doll" persona seem move inviting to the other people, and wanted to "be brought" to a munch. Her ideal "Dolly" costume is a full black rubber suit including a full hood that can cover both mouth and eyes. Her issue is that not enough people want to "play" with her when she is in full gear, and it pulls her out of her space to talk, because she wants to remain anonymous when in this role play persona.
Another person who commented has someone wheel him in to the event and has a tag attached to his with a message along the lines of "please test out our new prototype of Doll 2000" etc. His suit is not complete, because he normally wears a skirt to allow genital access, but has a full hood, and breasts. His note states something along the lines of "I can answer simple questions, and speak for short periods of time but it is a drain on my battery"
These two types of objectification/dollification seem very different than what I had imagined Dollification to be. One seems to be a very machine/science fiction approach that almost views his "doll persona as a robot that continues to get upgrades to be as lifelike as possible, and the other wants to be objectified in a setting where there would be people playing with the doll with no obvious owner, almost trying to set up the meeting as if a stranger to everyone and having no friends.
I feel as if the main draw of dollification is the simplicity and also the beauty of it. Both of these individuals are trying to cover up their own characteristics in an attempt to be as object-like as possible. I guess one of the reasons to have the face covered would be to hide expressions, to be closer to a doll and farther away from a person. But if you're going to do this, why try to make life-like masks, and lifelike upgrades? Why not completely embrace the doll side? And what would a doll be doing at an event without someone to bring it in and show it off? And if a doll was sitting in a chair when you came into a room, you might look at it for a moment, but after that it's just a doll. Of course it's not interesting anymore, it's not moving or in any way special or unique, what are you supposed to do with it? That's the point of objectification isn't it? But if you did find a doll sitting in a chair, what's to say you wouldn't cause harm to it, just for the fun of it? Isn't that what children do to toys?
If someone is sitting in a full body suit at an event, no one is going to mess with it, because they will assume "if it isn't yours, don't touch!" and also, most people won't play with another person without knowing their limits. If it's not obviously a doll, not obviously beyond all other fetishes objectified, no one will take that chance.
However my point was not to ask questions about their play, it was just my musing on the subject.
I see dollification as a way to make use of the artificial beauty of make-up, and to embrace the "perfection" of a doll-face. Sing-song melodies come to mind, and ribbons, and fun girly hair-dos, and animal faces and girl-like qualities while still wearing very adult sensual clothing and shoes. It's a fun way to simplify makeup. On a deeper level, it helps to calm my mind from all the things i have to do. When I'm not allowed to move, it seems like it's the only time I don't worry about the things I think I'm "supposed" to be doing. It's nice.
I was looking through the objectification group, and I found this thread, Objectification in a Public Setting. The OP was looking for ways to make her "doll" persona seem move inviting to the other people, and wanted to "be brought" to a munch. Her ideal "Dolly" costume is a full black rubber suit including a full hood that can cover both mouth and eyes. Her issue is that not enough people want to "play" with her when she is in full gear, and it pulls her out of her space to talk, because she wants to remain anonymous when in this role play persona.
Another person who commented has someone wheel him in to the event and has a tag attached to his with a message along the lines of "please test out our new prototype of Doll 2000" etc. His suit is not complete, because he normally wears a skirt to allow genital access, but has a full hood, and breasts. His note states something along the lines of "I can answer simple questions, and speak for short periods of time but it is a drain on my battery"
These two types of objectification/dollification seem very different than what I had imagined Dollification to be. One seems to be a very machine/science fiction approach that almost views his "doll persona as a robot that continues to get upgrades to be as lifelike as possible, and the other wants to be objectified in a setting where there would be people playing with the doll with no obvious owner, almost trying to set up the meeting as if a stranger to everyone and having no friends.
I feel as if the main draw of dollification is the simplicity and also the beauty of it. Both of these individuals are trying to cover up their own characteristics in an attempt to be as object-like as possible. I guess one of the reasons to have the face covered would be to hide expressions, to be closer to a doll and farther away from a person. But if you're going to do this, why try to make life-like masks, and lifelike upgrades? Why not completely embrace the doll side? And what would a doll be doing at an event without someone to bring it in and show it off? And if a doll was sitting in a chair when you came into a room, you might look at it for a moment, but after that it's just a doll. Of course it's not interesting anymore, it's not moving or in any way special or unique, what are you supposed to do with it? That's the point of objectification isn't it? But if you did find a doll sitting in a chair, what's to say you wouldn't cause harm to it, just for the fun of it? Isn't that what children do to toys?
If someone is sitting in a full body suit at an event, no one is going to mess with it, because they will assume "if it isn't yours, don't touch!" and also, most people won't play with another person without knowing their limits. If it's not obviously a doll, not obviously beyond all other fetishes objectified, no one will take that chance.
However my point was not to ask questions about their play, it was just my musing on the subject.
I see dollification as a way to make use of the artificial beauty of make-up, and to embrace the "perfection" of a doll-face. Sing-song melodies come to mind, and ribbons, and fun girly hair-dos, and animal faces and girl-like qualities while still wearing very adult sensual clothing and shoes. It's a fun way to simplify makeup. On a deeper level, it helps to calm my mind from all the things i have to do. When I'm not allowed to move, it seems like it's the only time I don't worry about the things I think I'm "supposed" to be doing. It's nice.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Lot of work today. The MAsT picnic at the park is tomorrow, and we had to do all of our housecleaning today for the meeting after the picnic.
We didn't fight as much as normal, we had sex before we started cleaning (my butt is bleeding! :D ) And it was really good. He prepped me with 3 or 4 different anal toys before we started having sex. He also fucked me with the biggest plug still in my ass. It hurt really bad but then He reminded me that I've told Him I get the most turned on when i'm hurting bad - and He was right and just the fact that he was hurting me that much on purpose turned me on more. (Also there was a position change around that time that also lessened the pain a bit, but i was almost hoping for it to come back, because I knew He was really enjoying it.)
We watched Colombo together, followed by Robot Chicken. I really don't like that show, but that's because there are still some weird things out there that I don't like to admit... that they turn me on sometimes. It left me wistfully hoping for torture-y humiliation/being told to do something that will hurt or embarrass me purely for my Master's entertainment. But when those moods hit, I can't really very well *ask* for something- It puts Him on the spot and also opens up the floor for an argument, disappointment, or for me to be totally repulsed and not the slightest turned on by what He decides to do, and then I just go to bed disillusioned, or at least that's what I imagine would happen. Also, I really don't want to do anything public, at least not until we really understand each other a little better. Because if He tells me to do something I am completely NOT OK with, I'm going to resent Him, and He'll feel like i'm taking away His authority by saying no, or if I do it, He'll say I should be grateful because it's what I asked for, and He'll feel like I owe Him, and I'll feel like He's a complete jerk. It's really hard to turn these types of fantasy into reality without a lot of things getting lost in translation. There are certain people i couldn't stand to be humiliated in front of, or some people I just don't want certain things to happen, or they make me uncomfortable in weird ways, so I imagine it would be nearly impossible to maintain those boundaries without someone getting upset in some way. blah.
Well, I think I'm getting a shower now, in case I have to wear shorts tomorrow, I want to have my legs shaved. :) and I'll probably do my nails tonight in case I don't have time tomorrow. Well, i can take off the nail polish, but I don't think i have any in my bedroom, and I'm confined until morning, now.
We didn't fight as much as normal, we had sex before we started cleaning (my butt is bleeding! :D ) And it was really good. He prepped me with 3 or 4 different anal toys before we started having sex. He also fucked me with the biggest plug still in my ass. It hurt really bad but then He reminded me that I've told Him I get the most turned on when i'm hurting bad - and He was right and just the fact that he was hurting me that much on purpose turned me on more. (Also there was a position change around that time that also lessened the pain a bit, but i was almost hoping for it to come back, because I knew He was really enjoying it.)
We watched Colombo together, followed by Robot Chicken. I really don't like that show, but that's because there are still some weird things out there that I don't like to admit... that they turn me on sometimes. It left me wistfully hoping for torture-y humiliation/being told to do something that will hurt or embarrass me purely for my Master's entertainment. But when those moods hit, I can't really very well *ask* for something- It puts Him on the spot and also opens up the floor for an argument, disappointment, or for me to be totally repulsed and not the slightest turned on by what He decides to do, and then I just go to bed disillusioned, or at least that's what I imagine would happen. Also, I really don't want to do anything public, at least not until we really understand each other a little better. Because if He tells me to do something I am completely NOT OK with, I'm going to resent Him, and He'll feel like i'm taking away His authority by saying no, or if I do it, He'll say I should be grateful because it's what I asked for, and He'll feel like I owe Him, and I'll feel like He's a complete jerk. It's really hard to turn these types of fantasy into reality without a lot of things getting lost in translation. There are certain people i couldn't stand to be humiliated in front of, or some people I just don't want certain things to happen, or they make me uncomfortable in weird ways, so I imagine it would be nearly impossible to maintain those boundaries without someone getting upset in some way. blah.
Well, I think I'm getting a shower now, in case I have to wear shorts tomorrow, I want to have my legs shaved. :) and I'll probably do my nails tonight in case I don't have time tomorrow. Well, i can take off the nail polish, but I don't think i have any in my bedroom, and I'm confined until morning, now.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Today has been really long. The only thing i really haven't written about is visiting my parents. That went OK Nothing really bad happened. My Master has a tendency to show my parents the things that made me blush around them when i was in high school and that i typically avoid around them because it embarrasses me. I don't like being around my parents when anything sexual is brought up, mentioned or talked about, because i 1) don't want to talk about anything sexual around my parents, and 2) don't want to be in any way aroused by anything ever around my parents. Ok, end rant.
Also, sam's frisbee got stuck really high in a tree and we couldn't get it back down.
I'm really tired and want to get ready for bed now!! But I still have to masturbate (He said no sex).
Tomorrow is going to be a lot of cleaning, and dealing with other people (either Tom or major or both probably)
Had sex last night. Anal. After masturbating on cam for Master.
Also, sam's frisbee got stuck really high in a tree and we couldn't get it back down.
I'm really tired and want to get ready for bed now!! But I still have to masturbate (He said no sex).
Tomorrow is going to be a lot of cleaning, and dealing with other people (either Tom or major or both probably)
Had sex last night. Anal. After masturbating on cam for Master.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Predicament bondage writing assignment
Definition of bondage
noun
1.
slavery or involuntary servitude; serfdom.
2.
3.
the state or practice of being physically restrained, as by being tied up, chained, or put in handcuffs, for sexual gratification.
4.
Early English Law. personal subjection to the control of a superior; villeinage.
Never thought of it exactly like that before. So, "in a bind" bondage. It's sort of like saying double bondage. But to think of it, it's like you're bound in two ways, both the body and the mind at the same time. You have to choose between which type of physical pain, and sometimes decisions are hard enough on their own.
Definition of predicament
noun
Definition: a difficult or embarrassing situation from which there is no easy way out, especially when a tough choice must be made
Tips: When you're in a predicament, you're essentially "in a bind." It means that you're in a difficult situation which you can't easily get out of. You may also have to make a choice between two things, neither being very good. Predicament is synonymous with quandary and dilemma.
Definitions, predicament
predicament
noun
Definition: a difficult or embarrassing situation from which there is no easy way out, especially when a tough choice must be made
Synonyms: dilemma, bind, jam, difficulty, complication, quandary
Antonyms: solution
Tips: When you're in a predicament, you're essentially "in a bind." It means that you're in a difficult situation which you can't easily get out of. You may also have to make a choice between two things, neither being very good. Predicament is synonymous with quandary and dilemma. See quandary for additional analysis
Never thought of it exactly like that before. So, "in a bind" bondage. It's sort of like saying double bondage. But to think of it, it's like you're bound in two ways, both the body and the mind at the same time. You have to choose between which type of physical pain, and sometimes decisions are hard enough on their own.
a difficult, perplexing, or trying situation
an unpleasantly difficult, perplexing, or dangerous situation.
Definition of bondage
noun
1.
slavery or involuntary servitude; serfdom.
2.
3.
the state or practice of being physically restrained, as by being tied up, chained, or put in handcuffs, for sexual gratification.
4.
Early English Law. personal subjection to the control of a superior; villeinage.
Ideas
Predicament bondage is usually presented in a very elaborate way: for example, a submissive might be tied up with ropes binding him such that his arms are in pain — but if he moves his arms then his legs will be in pain. However, it doesn’t have to be elaborate to be predicament bondage.
Essay links, part one. Predicament bondage
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click here to view the post.
Punishment Entry
I got in trouble today. He warned me several days ago, when we started revamping our protocols after our big fight, that if I raised my voice to Him I would be in trouble. I didn't doubt Him when He said it, and i guess I did pretty well considering we normally don't go very long without fighting, and it's been several days before I actually forgot myself, but pretty good isn't what I'm working toward. That's what punishment is for though. If He warned me and then i never messed up again, I guess I learned from it, but probably not because He warned me, it was probably going to happen that way anyway. If there is a correction, it means that it's something I'm going to learn from I guess.
Or maybe i'm just avoiding talking about it.
The argument started when He said He was going to Tom's to smoke and then we would go to my Mom's house (we'd already sort of discussed this, but halfway through the discussion we were interrupted by a long phone conversation with major, and I was hopeful that we'd only do one or the other, or at least plan more before he left) and I didn't like that. i don't really know how else to put it. I didn't want Him to smell like smoke when we went to my parents house. I guess maybe i thought He was trying to avoid responsibilities, and I was worried that everything would end up being my problem at the last minute again. I threatened to not clean while He was gone, and He said i was being passive aggressive, which i was. He left the room, and I made up my mind to be good when He came back. To not say anything else that would cause problems, or to threaten. I really wanted Him to go have fun. He came back in, and hugged me, and the next thing I know we're fighting again. He started to try and grab me, and i tried to move away. He grabbed my hair, I'm yelling that it's not fair that we're going to have to do all the work tomorrow , and try to pull away and then I'm on the floor anyway, and I'm so angry, and i punch him in the leg because I already know I've lost and then i start crying. He's on top of me and He tells me to stop it, and I try and hold my breath to stop crying and I guess it worked ok. He asks me what i am and with everything in me I hate Him for making me say it but I say that i'm a slave anyway (I never do that, it's so hard to say!) and He asks who is my master and i say You are. and He keeps going and makes me tell him that He tells me He's proud of me every night. And i think he's holding me now. And I say I wasn't really going to not-clean, I always say that, and then i clean everything, because I can't stand to see things not get done when it needs to get done.
And He says i'm not allowed to clean while he's gone. What? How did that happen?
Do you understand me? I start to say Yes, and then ask what He means, and then i realize that's what he just asked me, because my brain is frozen and kind of screaming, "I don't understand, why can't I clean?"
And then we're sort of OK with each other again. But He has to punish me. I yelled at Him, and punched Him. I didn't expect it, but it doesn't surprise me either.
I take a second to collect my thoughts and switch back out to Emily 100% (Sorta Susy for a minute) and get on my knees on the floor in the submit position, bent over the bed. He picks up the long wooden paddle, and tells me he's not going to hold me this time afterwards. "Yes, Sir." Every time the paddle touches me, I can fell that He's lining up to hit me with it and I think "this is it, He'd going to hit me this time." It seems like He does the little touches to get in the right place forever before He hits me. When He does it hurts and I try to get away and hold still at the same time. The next two aren't hard like i was afraid they would be, but they follow right away and hit the same spot. My brain was telling me that I couldn't take another hit that hard in the same spot and that was what was pushing me to run away. He's standing over me, and I'm waiting for another hit, adn he says it's over. Part of me starts to try and say no, i can take more, but that isn't the point. He hugs me from behind and i am holding face- i think this is the first time I haven't cried from a punishment, but I just cried so much a minute ago, maybe I don't have anything left. He lets me go and I burrow back down into position to hide my face and as He leaves the room I cry again for a little bit, but He comes back.
We talk a little back and forth about what i can and can't do while He's gone.
Or maybe i'm just avoiding talking about it.
The argument started when He said He was going to Tom's to smoke and then we would go to my Mom's house (we'd already sort of discussed this, but halfway through the discussion we were interrupted by a long phone conversation with major, and I was hopeful that we'd only do one or the other, or at least plan more before he left) and I didn't like that. i don't really know how else to put it. I didn't want Him to smell like smoke when we went to my parents house. I guess maybe i thought He was trying to avoid responsibilities, and I was worried that everything would end up being my problem at the last minute again. I threatened to not clean while He was gone, and He said i was being passive aggressive, which i was. He left the room, and I made up my mind to be good when He came back. To not say anything else that would cause problems, or to threaten. I really wanted Him to go have fun. He came back in, and hugged me, and the next thing I know we're fighting again. He started to try and grab me, and i tried to move away. He grabbed my hair, I'm yelling that it's not fair that we're going to have to do all the work tomorrow , and try to pull away and then I'm on the floor anyway, and I'm so angry, and i punch him in the leg because I already know I've lost and then i start crying. He's on top of me and He tells me to stop it, and I try and hold my breath to stop crying and I guess it worked ok. He asks me what i am and with everything in me I hate Him for making me say it but I say that i'm a slave anyway (I never do that, it's so hard to say!) and He asks who is my master and i say You are. and He keeps going and makes me tell him that He tells me He's proud of me every night. And i think he's holding me now. And I say I wasn't really going to not-clean, I always say that, and then i clean everything, because I can't stand to see things not get done when it needs to get done.
And He says i'm not allowed to clean while he's gone. What? How did that happen?
Do you understand me? I start to say Yes, and then ask what He means, and then i realize that's what he just asked me, because my brain is frozen and kind of screaming, "I don't understand, why can't I clean?"
And then we're sort of OK with each other again. But He has to punish me. I yelled at Him, and punched Him. I didn't expect it, but it doesn't surprise me either.
I take a second to collect my thoughts and switch back out to Emily 100% (Sorta Susy for a minute) and get on my knees on the floor in the submit position, bent over the bed. He picks up the long wooden paddle, and tells me he's not going to hold me this time afterwards. "Yes, Sir." Every time the paddle touches me, I can fell that He's lining up to hit me with it and I think "this is it, He'd going to hit me this time." It seems like He does the little touches to get in the right place forever before He hits me. When He does it hurts and I try to get away and hold still at the same time. The next two aren't hard like i was afraid they would be, but they follow right away and hit the same spot. My brain was telling me that I couldn't take another hit that hard in the same spot and that was what was pushing me to run away. He's standing over me, and I'm waiting for another hit, adn he says it's over. Part of me starts to try and say no, i can take more, but that isn't the point. He hugs me from behind and i am holding face- i think this is the first time I haven't cried from a punishment, but I just cried so much a minute ago, maybe I don't have anything left. He lets me go and I burrow back down into position to hide my face and as He leaves the room I cry again for a little bit, but He comes back.
We talk a little back and forth about what i can and can't do while He's gone.
- I'm allowed to shower and try to keep scrubbing off the sharpy marks from our big fight a week ago.
- I'm supposed to work on my essay
- I'm supposed to blog my punishment
- I'm allowed to wash my alliance shirt that He bought me yesterday (I need to post a pic)
- I'm supposed to hang up our Leather Vests while He's gone
- I looked up why his flash drive wouldn't work and it said that drive wasn't compatible, so i'm not sure if i still need to find a picture for it or not.
Also, i walked the dogs and ate.
He said i don't have to shower. The only thing I haven't done yet is shower, work on my essay, And find a picture for the car background.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
Lots of recap
* Enforcement of Confined to Quarters/Curfew protocol. Call (via phone) two times, then permission to leave my room is assumed. (Left my room on the 12th without permission)
I've had bad dreams two nights in a row. Incidentally the same number of days since we delayed/changed the masturbating rule to "fuck or pass" which will begin tomorrow.
(Don't want to type about the bad dreams, but it was listed on my written journal entry.)
Did tacos for mom today. (the 12th was mother's day, so I went over to her house and made tacos, and had Nana and Grandma and Grandpa over, too.) Didn't really hear much talking from anyone but mom and grnadma. Grandpa was having trouble hearing today, too much background noise I guess. Nana seemed to have stomach troubles. When i cook tacos, I cook the meat with an onion and a tamato chopped up in it, and I think it tastes 100% better that way. Mom and Dad really seemed to like it. That made me really proud. Dad said, "I'm full, but I just can't quit eating!"
I never realized the difference between precooked/cheap food, and quality food with real/fresh ingredients before i met Andrew (and his mother). I was always a good cook (I have good intuition), but my food is much better now.
I've been picking up a lot of battlestones on WoW lately. It's not that important, though. It's entertainment, not a hobby. Speaking of, I want to make/finish at least one thing a day. I have so many things I want to do!
More exercise! We walked to the waterside park a few days ago. (5-11-13) We took some awesome pictures and on the walk back we got caught in a downpour. It was a fantastic adventure- I'm smiling just thinking of it.
(I knew it was going to rain but i didn't tell him. I could see clouds coming up fast from where I was near the water. )
My allergies are going crazy this month. My throat and ear itch. Penny is itchy, too.
Master found out I used to scrub the grout on the floors with a toothbrush. He thought that was really sexy. (I do too!) I love doing that kind of cleaning. (He mentioned it to me and I told him I don't want to but I really do I just don't like admitting it a lot)
I've been very anxious about today (my mom and all the family and stuff) but it turned out great!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
more funny pictures
wi-fi
father's day
Every chinese food place ever
Level capped
Sodium
best pun
Sheepin
TV show video
awesome prank
yucky
HEHE funnny video
cook the baby
trolling, or stupid?
That always makes it more romantic
wrong number
Darth vader
country fun
Sex with my mom
How to finger a girl
I should do this now. (Or, "When I have kids")
Plate fun
was i drunk?
Don't hate, it's true
inspire me
father's day
Every chinese food place ever
Level capped
Sodium
best pun
Sheepin
TV show video
awesome prank
yucky
HEHE funnny video
cook the baby
trolling, or stupid?
That always makes it more romantic
wrong number
Darth vader
country fun
Sex with my mom
How to finger a girl
I should do this now. (Or, "When I have kids")
Plate fun
was i drunk?
Don't hate, it's true
inspire me
Monday, May 6, 2013
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