Gotta talk about it eventually. Masturbation.

I don't know why I can't do it. I mean, I can physically do it- but I can't. I used to enjoy masturbating.

I used to masturbate with insertion in college. Without being instructed to play with myself. 80% of those times were in the shower and anal.  Other than that, I've always had direction while masturbating.

I want to make my Master happy.
My Master wants me to be able to masturbate solo.
Therefore, I should be able to masturbate.

However, I want to make my Master happy.
Masturbation serves no purpose in making my Master happy.
It is 100% no question, a self-serving activity.
The only possible function it can serve to please Master is that it could make me ask for sex less.
BUT I should just have enough self-control not to nag so much.
Most of the time masturbating makes me even hornier and leaves me frustrated.

I thought that if it was a standing order, I would be able to let go enough.

I mean, it's not like I'm a good enough slave that I only do something if it pleases my Master or is good for Him in some way.  I do things I like all the time. I'm eating ice cream right now. That serves no purpose for my Master. I just do it because I want to.  So Why can't I masturbate? Why do I have this stupid, "He has to be involved and enjoy it so that i can enjoy it too" block on myself sexually? Am I going to be unable to do something He actually wants me to do by masturbating? No. So what's wrong with me?


I thought I might be able to talk this out with myself if I wrote it down. I might be able to understand what I need to fix it, but this changes nothing.


It's like the punch line of that joke... the only thing that my Master enjoys about me masturbating is the 10 minutes of silence. I know He doesn't fantasize about me masturbating. He doesn't want to watch. He has no interest in coming in and "helping" - The only thing masturbating does is remind me that he's not interested. And I'm not interested in my body either.