And he killed the spider today that attacked me a few days ago :)

Daily journal

Yesterday Copied over from my chore book that i keep.

Masturbated according to standing order (4-28)

Within 10 minutes of cleanup/finishing, master came in and had sex with me.

Fantasy --> Spreader bar under my knees. Master lifted up the pole and put it behind my head. He edged me, and threatened anal sex because of the position this put me in.

Sex---> Master instructed me to lay on my back knees up and apart, hands palm down in the bed. I'm scared He'll hurt me. "It doesn't matter. i own you and I'll do what I want anyway." He looks me over while He decides if/what He wants. That really frightens me. He kisses my feet and rubs on them. "Don't look" He fucks me. I beg to come. Eventually He lets me. Then He anal fucks me. Dry at first. He keeps telling me to be quiet. After He spits on me for lube, I start to enjoy the anal. He spits in my mouth when I come. He makes me come repeatedly until He comes.

He calls me a slut and doesn't let me look at Him.
He spits in my mouth when i open it to scream.

----
Masturbated according to standing order 4-29
Clothespins, duct tape, towel over my face (if I'm looking around I can't get into it) but not my nose or mouth.
Fantasized random things.
Drowning, having cum poured up my nose, an old man cranking up a fucking machine while I'm strapped down to a table, and then propping his feet up and reading a book while I scream and beg for him to stop. Taping my mouth so he can go back to his book.

Had our protocols talk today. It was a long talk but we covered most of the list.
Focusing on the following 6:

• Morning Coffee
• Hush on the Phone
• Toilet Seat Up
• First Bite of Food
• Nighttime Routine
• Masturbate Daily

 and He's working on punishing too.

I got mascara today and i'm wearing it now. Yesterday i did my bangs with blue sharpie and the rest of my hair with watermelon koolaide. I love it!

The hotel scene. 4-8-13

My in-progress hard limit list for major.

needles
feet
cutting,
eyeballs
frogs, slimeys, scalies, bugs, spiders, squishies
sex
oral sex
anal play or anal sex
death
animals smaller than a cat
rodents
amputation
puncturing
piercings
urine
excrement
anyone underage
strangers
dead things or people
blood choke til unconscious
food or water deprivation
family members
forced overeating
blood
chemicals or illegal drugs
explosions,
anything or anyone licking my face
actually being set on fire
barbed wire
bad music
jello

Yes, some of them are funny but I am totally serious.

And be aware that impact play on my breasts is currently (temporary) also a no-go


----------------------------------------------
I'm really nervous. We had a fight or discussion earlier about my needs and he left the house for 4 hours with an order to "pack every toy in the house."
He told me it would be just over 30 minutes and to hurry. I rushed around for about 2 hours.
He hooded me, and drove around enough to confuse me a lot. We pulled in and the door opened and i was physically lifted out of my seat. Past bushes
Over concrete and up a step. Lifted easily even though i went limp to size them up. I thought it was blue. I thought i was outside, or in a garage.
Tripped onto a mattress or futon. My hand tied patiently. I stayed still and tried to identify the breathing. It sounded like 3 people. Hand wrapped.

I listened to breathing and felt the hands and somehow everything added up to Blue.

I didn't actively resist until they tried to pull my legs from under me. Since I didn't know who it was, I wasn't sure if I was allowed to fight back so I tried to just defend as much as possible. Tried to keep my arms and legs in tight under me. Still hooded, and the wolf hood is on backwards. It's getting hot and harder to breathe, not impossible. I shake that loose and out of the pillowcase and regret it right away. The lighter hood pulls to my face when I breathe and I don't even fight the urge to panic even though I know it won't hurt me. They start hitting me around this time. I think canes. my hand pulls free, and I fight to keep it that way even though it's still wrapped. While my hand was still free, Master came up beside me (I don't know how, but i knew it was Him.) and sat by me. I think he used a choke hold at first, but I just held onto him for dear life, even though I was still being hit. Somehow, I'm tied again. face-down, arms and legs tied to corners. The pain is sharp, and immediate, and fast. No warm-up. I pull so tight, hoping to hurt myself so they have to let me go. Hoping that my hands will turn blue or something will give before i do. (Emily) Lace balls up and stays as flat and silent as possible, pissed off. Cant breathe. Hold my face to the bed so that when I breathe it feels like it's strained because I did it, not because of the fluttering cloth. Sometimes the pain is nothing because of the fear and sometimes it is so sharp it cuts through it. Canes. Lots and lots of canes. everything is amped up. I finally get that it's a hotel room. I see the white pristine blankets and the light to my left. I see a person through the light. I think it's Major. I avoid a few swats and make one of my own to get their attention. I paw at my face. (not having hands at the time, pawing is really all I could do.) It's Major. Major will understand why I am freaking out. he has to. I am furious that they didn't use my hood. MY HOOD. That I packed. That I asked Master to use. When they finally take the pillowcase hood off I keep my face down so i don't see. so I don't ruin anything. I am so angry and determined to make them pay. I try not to make a sound, like they don't make a sound. Eventually I cry. I feel like I am sitting up with my legs under me as much as possible. I want to scream I hate all of you and fucking stop it but i don't. I don't know who is here. I don't want to embarrass him. I don't want to be a pussy or ruin what I've been waiting so long for. After everything is just pain with sharp spikes of pain tossed in, I get the impression that i'm being hit with a spun up towel instead of a dragon tongue. At some point they wet the end. I hear the water run. I hate you. That's what i think.

The black lifts and the hood is off again (didn't i already do this?oh yeah there was tape put on it at some point too, and I think that's as hard as I had fought up to that point that night.) Master is in front of me. I don't look around. He tells me to give Him a color. Over and over again. I just stare at him thinking how angry I am and how much i want it to be over and how much of a failure I am. He goes away (does the world go black again? Everything blurs together) and he says go over and get...  and then "Hmm?"  (It is Major!) "what did you say?" "Go get a color out of her."  And i'm relieved and ashamed and angry.
"You look beautiful." Blank stare. That wasn't what he was supposed to ask. I think I said why or mumbled or maybe it was just obvious... "Crying."  I don't remember anything else he said. I mentioned the hood.

I don't remember the order of what happened next. I think next was the anal hook and the hitachi and i was still tied because i don't remember them letting me out completely and then tying me again. I know susy started coming out after that. They had to make her leave a couple of times, and every time I came back I was like "oh fuck... ouch!" And canes. Did I mention the canes? And I'm almost certain by now I was barefoot too. Because I kept getting hit on the bottom of my feet. And finally I was more vocal and able to talk and say things. And I needed this to go well because at this point I was trying to climb back up after a downward spiral. Master used lube. On a toy. On my vagina. Oh yeah, after the plain ol' beating, my pants managed to come off too. And panties. That must have been when my socks disappeared.  The lube burned and I fussed at Him. But He helped me get over my Maybe-he-doesn't-know-what-he's-doing thing a little. He made sure I knew he did it because it hurt. Major couldn't find my asshole. He had to put the anal hook in upside down to get it to stay in my ass. And of course he had that rope pulled tight over my arm so I couldn't lift to support myself on the left side without pulling myself back down again. I think after getting fucked with the toy by Master, they switch to Major with hitachi and anal hook leash and Master with canes.  At some point, I get completely spread open and spit into. <-- a="" about="" actually="" all="" also="" and="" apparently="" at="" attempted="" away.="" bad="" be="" because="" bed.="" bed="" been="" but="" by="" cigarette="" couldn="" cumming="" cunt="" did="" don="" down="" dragged="" embarrassed="" even="" except="" faking="" felt="" for="" fun="" go="" got="" hand="" happened.="" has="" have="" him="" hottest="" humiliated="" hurt="" i="" if="" into="" it.="" it="" just="" let="" like.="" little="" loose.="" lot="" lso="" m="" major="" master="" me="" more="" my="" nbsp="" nd="" never="" night.="" not="" of="" off="" one="" open="" or="" out="" outside="" over="" p="" pain="" part.="" part="" place="" point="" really="" right="" s="" says="" should="" so="" some="" spit="" spread="" still="" stuck.="" t="" talk.="" tell="" than="" that="" the="" them="" they="" things="" think="" this="" thoroughly="" though="" tied="" to="" told="" too="" took="" tried="" untie="" was="" went="" were="" weren="" when="" which="" writing="" ya="">
But I feel like maybe the hand loose was before the hitachi part.

Anyway, after that, I was let go and I stretched and they helped me up and told me how good I was doing, and said come look, and so we walked toward the mirror. And I had this sudden foreboding oh hell no feeling and saw the water in the tub and then locked everything. I had a death grip on the doorframe, and then they made it all the way to the tub but I grabbed onto the old-people-fall-down handle and was NOT going to let 2 grown men drown me in a bathtub. I knew if they got me into the water I wouldn't have a chance. I was full out crying and panicking again. Finally Master says stop, and I'm standing there leaning over the tub, both hands on the bar, with one leg lifted up behind me held by Major, and I feel really awkward because I'm not letting go until Major does, and he doesn't seem to be eager to drop the leg. I let go first. Master told me to. He said "trust me". I was terrified. What followed was the post I made on my profile. I lot of crying, blubbering and hyperventilating. And shivering, splashing, wait I'm not ready yet's and I love yous.

There was another memorable moment where they came in while I was looking at bruises. I felt pretty. "See told you she liked it!"

We went to taco bell. I only ate one taco because stuff was worrying me. They got into a scuff because Master ate a soft taco. mathematically  Master had rights to 2 soft tacos, but when Major saw that Master ate one, he hurried up and ate the other 5 soft tacos. It was a douche move since we were supposed to share 12 tacos between 3 people, = 4 tacos each. Master and i both stopped at one after that happened. It made me sick that they were unable to work together and get along when i needed it so badly.

Susy asked for hitachi again. I don't remember if she got it. I was really stumbly and lightheaded by then. After the first part, i felt like i was just a doll being led around in a person's body to do all kinds of things.

Lace and Major wrestled. Emily first, then Lace. She started to have a chance and then got stuck in a choke hold and when that was over Master said no more. She got punched in the chest, which left a scab/rugburn mark the next day and a bruise.

Phiar came out and got herself fingered. She had a lot of fun, but later that night she really wished she hadn't. She had been promised that He would call her, and when He "fell asleep" she wanted some attention somehow. She left a white stain on the hotel furniture. He said she shouldn't feel ashamed, because He wouldn't be upset about it later, but it was a strong enough memory that she doesn't want to do it again if it isn't His idea.

I took a shower and after the shower I knelt in Position Two and cried. I had asked if He was angry and He wouldn't answer, and I knew He was mad at me, and I just wanted Him to hold me... And I felt dirty and undesirable and like He would jerk back if I tried to reach out to Him. he came and got me, and we talked and i think He held me.

We had sex in the middle of the night at some point. I was bruised everywhere. Even my vagina was all swollen up.

I couldn't sleep hardly at all. I tossed and turned and woke up crying once, and I had "nothing to do with love (halestorm)" stuck in my head. I would pull up the blankets and it would be so hot I felt sick, and I would pull them down and start shivering. Finally around 8, we both got up and went to breakfast. I felt like a slob, and I was covered in bruises and had a blanket over me because i was cold, and was still unsteady. I don't think we talked about anything, we just sat and ate breakfast. It was nice.


4-9-13 I'm not taking ibuprofin, i figured that defeats the point, but i'm starting to wonder with all the muscle/joint soreness i'm having. I'll ask Master.

Gotta talk about it eventually. Masturbation.

I don't know why I can't do it. I mean, I can physically do it- but I can't. I used to enjoy masturbating.

I used to masturbate with insertion in college. Without being instructed to play with myself. 80% of those times were in the shower and anal.  Other than that, I've always had direction while masturbating.

I want to make my Master happy.
My Master wants me to be able to masturbate solo.
Therefore, I should be able to masturbate.

However, I want to make my Master happy.
Masturbation serves no purpose in making my Master happy.
It is 100% no question, a self-serving activity.
The only possible function it can serve to please Master is that it could make me ask for sex less.
BUT I should just have enough self-control not to nag so much.
Most of the time masturbating makes me even hornier and leaves me frustrated.

I thought that if it was a standing order, I would be able to let go enough.

I mean, it's not like I'm a good enough slave that I only do something if it pleases my Master or is good for Him in some way.  I do things I like all the time. I'm eating ice cream right now. That serves no purpose for my Master. I just do it because I want to.  So Why can't I masturbate? Why do I have this stupid, "He has to be involved and enjoy it so that i can enjoy it too" block on myself sexually? Am I going to be unable to do something He actually wants me to do by masturbating? No. So what's wrong with me?


I thought I might be able to talk this out with myself if I wrote it down. I might be able to understand what I need to fix it, but this changes nothing.


It's like the punch line of that joke... the only thing that my Master enjoys about me masturbating is the 10 minutes of silence. I know He doesn't fantasize about me masturbating. He doesn't want to watch. He has no interest in coming in and "helping" - The only thing masturbating does is remind me that he's not interested. And I'm not interested in my body either.

like it?

Like always after reading my character vs plot book, i'm in the mood to write, but not exactly sure where to go from here. Lots of character. Not much plot.

Standing order to close the outside doors when i go outside.

I am so loved. He threw petals at me and i was swimming in a pink swirl. I feel like a princess.

Day 3 of my period, and incidentally day 3 of being too ___ for me to turn in points for sex.

I feel like i'm locked in my head and can't get out. Not allowed to do anything to make the urge go away.

I'm reasonably sure someone let their dog take a dump on the sidewalk. Gross.

My husband is working on his hospital fear. Really proud of him.

Never buy a speculum at a flea market.

When You made me do things for you, when you put the wood handle in my mouth, i've never felt more yours. I hated obeying but loved being owned. 4 14

Bad dreams. Pain. Death. Glass shards in my arm

Once i quit worrying about what i want, and let my Master take charge, i was a lot happier and didn't have the sad anymore.

sleeping in my closet last night made me sore. I wanted to hurt myself. Life started looking up after the sex, i admit. I missed serving him, too.

Ok it's a soul, is the driver black? No, it's a white chick. Baby, that was an asian Man!

Water bottles. Snacks. Canned drinks. A book. Purse. Keys. Wallet.

We did electical play last night. It was awesome. I hated everything about it. I had cum down to my asshole. I said stop. He did. Why was that bad?

I love him. I really do. I'm beyond angry and full of doubt and self loathing, but i do love him. 11:11

Tripped onto a mattress or futon. My hand tied patiently. I stayed still and tried to identify the breathing. It sounded like 3 people. Hand wrapped.

My new golf shirt

I'm so excited! And it fits really well and it's just the right style for me. I can't wait to go golfing now. )But I have to, because I'm still covered in bruises)

Over concrete and up a step. Lifted easily even though i went limp to size them up. I thought it was blue. I thought i was outside, or in a garage.

He hooded me, and drove around enough to confuse me a lot. We pulled in and the door opened and i was physically lifted out of my seat. Past bushes

Two legendary drops in one night. And i've never seen one drop before. Ever.

I'm not taking ibuprofin, i figured that defeats the point, but i'm starting to wonder with all the muscle soreness i'm having. I'll ask Master.

He told me it would be just over 30 minutes and to hurry. I rushed around for about 2 hours.

I'm really nervous. We had a fight or discussion earlier about my needs and he left the house for 4 hours with the order to get all toys packed.

important, please read

My in-progress hard limit list for major.

needles
feet
cutting,
eyeballs
frogs, slimeys, scalies, bugs, spiders, squishies
sex
oral sex
anal play or anal sex
death
animals smaller than a cat
rodents
amputation
puncturing
piercings
urine
excrement
anyone underage
strangers
dead things or people
blood choke til unconscious
food or water deprivation
family members
forced overeating
blood
chemicals or illegal drugs
explosions,
anything or anyone licking my face
actually being set on fire
barbed wire
bad music
jello

Yes, some of them are funny but I am totally serious.

And be aware that impact play on my breasts is currently (temporary) also a no-go

Grocery List

Bottled water

Canned tomato paste
Canned tomato sauce
Canned Diced tomatoes
(and all the canned tomato stuff I always forget)
Green peppers (or red and yellow too depending on price)
Can of ragu (or whatever brand) stuff
canned mushrooms, not gross ones.

And that's all I can think of for the spaghetti because we have sauce, parm cheese, spghetti tomatoes and onions and powder sauce mix.

Letter to my Master

At the time I'm writing this, today has been a crazy roller coaster of emotion, for both of us. I was the one with the mood swings, the one with the problem, but you took control of the situation and ended it in a way that I've never seen anyone but you handle things. You tell me how good and admirable I am, but You are in control. You are able to control Your own emotions and mine with skill I've never seen anyone else possess. I admire You. I try to follow Your lead. I strive to master my own emotions with even half the skill I see from You. It was mindblowing how You stopped our argument today. I know You don't see it, but i work so hard because i want to be good enough for You.

You have been listening to me, and we've understood each other in ways that we haven't since before we got married. Our life is improving, and I'm so proud of both of us. I am proud of You, and You amaze me every day. I know I criticize more than I praise, but Thank You, You are a great Master to me. You take care of us and keep us safe.

Also, thank You for reminding me how good You are at fingering and how very much I like it.
Thank You for slowing down around me, and enjoying the world around us with me.  I love spending my life with You.

Call (or text) me if you feel like talking on the way home :) (Post-It in the notebook)


I sincerely hope the following for you:

• That you slept well.
• That you ate a good breakfast.
• That you woke up on time. 
• That you play a good game (and break 100).
• That you learn something new today.
• That you feel good on the way home. 
• That you have a perfect day. 
• That you don't work too hard.
• That you know you are loved. 
• That the weather is perfect. 
• That you have a safe drive. 

I pray You have a fun and safe trip and back. 

You have given me great things to masturbate to, and i am grateful. Ever since, my dreams have been good ones! I still worry during the day, but You take care of me and calm my fears. You have no idea how much being handled roughly physically and gently verbally did for me. I am calm and content now. I want to go above and beyond what You have asked of me. I crave above all to impress You. 

I miss You already and I know by the time You read this I will be missing You tenfold. If You are feeling ok I would love to head from You on Your trip home, and I would especially love if You had something You want me to have ready for You. 

Coffee, a warm towel or bath, clean clothes, anything. 

I love You, and I will see You soon, Master. Have a good day.