I do not want to do anything.
I know that I have responsibilities, chores, and obligations.
I feel no motivation to do any of those things. I keep pushing myself to do what I have to do, but beyond that... I would say I want to go back to bed, but for the past week I've had vivid dreams, none of them pleasant. They aren't extraordinarily scary, for the most part, but they are definitely on the bad side of the scale.

I keep pushing myself.

I don't want to.

I don't want to be depressed again. I don't want to feel only the neutral or negative. I keep fighting to feel something good. but I also keep pushing as a submissive, keep gently disobeying, to find some kind of reinforcement, some kind of net or wall so that I know what's going on with me will be noticed. I have emotions. I don't like them, but I can't make them go away, or the thoughts- not just the invasive thoughts of actions, but the memories. The things I can't change but with I could, the overwhelming grief for people I miss, the fear of losing the people I love.
The dirty stagnant feeling that we do so many things, but we never really do anything. I want to go to the mountains and hike places, eat new foods in new places, go to a warm beach and swim and build a sand castle and get another blister like I always do. I want these things, don't I?