Phoneage

so my phone died tragically today.
We were visiting my husbands parents and they had his nephews with them and we all went to the hotel where the were staying with the smallest pool I've ever seen a hotel have. It still went to five foot deep though. And my younger brother went with us, he's staying with us for two weeks.
Well, a mom and her young daughter come out and the little girl gets in the pool with the two boys, (6 and 11) while her mom starts blowing up her arm floaties.
The tiny little girl starts walking out into the water and it gets too deep for her far too quickly. Relly's mom starts yelling to the older of the boys but he is underwater and doesn't hear and I realize the girl is completely underwater except her hands. Commence adults trying to problem solve how to reach her but none of them want to jump in, or at least they hesitate. So I jump just as the mom says it's ok I've got her, and as I hit the water I say too late and lift her out of the pool to her mom.
Lexi turned six yesterday and I hope that she doesn't stay afraid of the water. She's a gorgeous little girl. She finally started swimming with the pool float around her shortly before they left, so I hope I helped her be less afraid of it. Not getting back in could have had her afraid of the water for a long time.
Anyway, the phone started vibrating as soon as I was out of the water and definitely is dead now.
So I will have a new phone soon, but if you can't reach me through my phone, it's because it doesn't work now.

After, I stayed in the pool and played with all the kids, and after running to Walmart to get me new clothes, relly and my brother got in the pool too. The mom and girl left after about half and hour, the mom wanted to leave almost as soon as she realized other kids were there.
We played with a blowup beach ball for several hours. I'm worn out.

Mild overwhelmage

1)
We should all do something together, yes I know I sound like mom.
2)
Shouldn't we be rolling a character for sam and explaining the rules just a little bit so he doesn't take up four hours when we start playing d and d in two days?
3)
I need to make floggers because there is a sale on those pretty eyeball toppers tomorrow and I want mooooooooooaaaaar of them.
4)
I need to finish this whip.
5)
I need to finish these recipe cards before I do this whip.
6)
I need to do laundry, ugh, I don't want to but I need to.
7)
What am I going to feed Sam tomorrow?
8)
Oh no, tomorrow is my birthday. We don't have any Disney movies. The tv isn't in the living room. What if Matt tries to spend the whole time in here? What if .... ahhhhhhhhhh?
9)
I can't find my metal pencil sharpener from when we were playing d&d last time, I wonder if relly has it.

Creative mind

my creative mind is racing in a thousand directions right now, in the kitchen. I want to make at least one batch of the chocolate version of the peanut butter fudge, I want to make chocolate oatmeal cookies, I want to make something with the rhubarb.

In the leather it's a bit quieter. I want to finish the original flogger with the eye, so make a corset for it. I want to finish this whip I'm repairing, but omg I can't get the tape to hide like I did last time so I'm going to have to redo the knot and I want a break from that, and I do want to make more eye toys but I don't want to be stuck with a bunch of plain floggers that no one wants. Because I feel like making the creative stuff is what people look for from me, so making a bunch of regular floggers just doesn't pay off.

In the cleaning it's loud too. But easier to ignore because I am still  hurting a little and I have been getting tired easy when I try to clean. But I can't find the pillowcases and I need to have the bed made.

And I need to take my allergy and vitamins pills.

Gah, overwhelmed but so excited to maybe make rhubarb something.

Adventures in stir fry with book choy

Bok choy*
Auto correct keeps giving me a hard time, lol.

I got to ride in matts new car that he bought a few days ago for his new self employment type job. It's nice, and brings back memories of riding in dads manual transmission car. My head kept getting reacquainted with the headrest - Matt is just not at all used to driving it yet, so it's really jerky. He took me to IHOP this morning. It took me an hour to get out of bed and get dressed. I did not want to get up at 10:30, not at all, but food was a good idea.

For the record, I spent $60 this week to get the lawn mowed. Relly left me with $40 but I found a 20 behind my cubby so I had enough to cover it.  Matt paid for food at the restaurant.

I tried to tell him about the place with chicken and waffles and he interrupted me and talked for a while about how we need to find a new Chinese restaurant that doesn't cost him $30 a meal. When I steered the conversation back to why I was talking about the restaurant whose name I forget that I also don't remember the location of, I got to chicken and waffles and he interrupted again to let me know that relly had already told him about it. I think the look on my face was enough to show it was a little frustrating trying to talk to him when he wouldn't let me speak.  So he -let- me finish telling him about it anyway, and then we discussed what he's actually looking for in chicken and waffles. Which is chicken strips and fluffy but crisp waffles.

I am really enjoying the new show I started watching. It really watches like a soap opera, but it feels very wholesome, so I indulge. It makes me cry on occasion, but it also makes me laugh so hard too.  It's called Switched at Birth. And it's real and it brings up important issues but without shoving them down your throat. Which I very much enjoy.

I started my period today, and started the day with ibuprofen before breakfast due to some mild cramping. Had some more when I was cooking dinner for some mild back pain. Had a protein shake as well just in case.  Other than that and the occasional overwhelming emotion, it's been not so bad so far.

In fact, I might even say today had been a good day.

I painted two seahorse paintings, I made some delicious stir fry, and I enjoyed my tv show. I went out of the house, painted my nails, and took a nice shower. Last night I read my book for a while.

Tomorrow I plan to finish repairing the whip. I would like to mail it on Monday, if we have the address. Need to let her know not to throw it by the hanging cord as it cannot support the kinetic (?) force.

And I am going to have another delicious sandwich tomorrow with onions and cheese and salt and vinegar potato chips. Because they are awesome.

Tonight and tomorrow

I don't know why but I'm absolutely delighted that he didn't want me to paint my nails. They are a little picked at, but not terrible, and honestly painting my nails now would probably be a huge waste of time.

I'm in the bedroom with the bathroom door open for light, and the light is falling over Penny's dog bed and she keeps giving me this look that says, " are you done reading yet, so you can turn off that light and I can get a good dog's sleep?"

There is a constant electronic whine that I can't place. I've unplugged the tv and all related things but something is still making this high pitched crickets chirping but in one constant drawn out forever tone that I swear is coming from all the walls.

Tomorrow I will wash my fuzzy blanket, paint something with blue and green, run Kara at least once for disenchant materials, cook stir fry veggie things, and watch tv while writing recipes.
I've tried not to make a boring list since my blog, both for my own sanity and my husband's. Just the important things and the fun things. Until I need the lists, when I start forgetting to take pills and stuff, which sometimes happens during my period.

All in all, it's a lot to do, but I think it will be manageable.

Stuff and things

i made batch #3 of fudge today, I used one stick of butter instead of one and a half, and also used less peanut butter. It didn't break! Yay.

I also did a bunch of chores and ate lunch. And confused both the dogs by laying my fuzzy blanket on the floor and brushing it with the dog brush before I threw it in the washing machine. I wanted to get my hair off of it and the dog brush picks it up nicely.

Relly went to visit family today and will be coming back Friday night. I miss him terribly already, but I know he is doing the right thing, and I can't wait to see a picture of his mom holding the bear cookie jar we bought her ages ago. I saw it and thought of her right away and have just been waiting for an opportunity to give it to her. I really hope she likes it as much as I think she will.

I've been picking at my lips way too much. They started bleeding. I guess I'm more fidgety than I want to admit.

Grocery List

I have all these doubts and fears
They come out of me in great long lists
Instead of writing, "I'm afraid"
I write, "Alarm, Coffee, Pills, Breakfast"
I can't force my hand to write
Those other words, my mind to admit
That I have a chronic weakness
So instead I fill my list and day
With things to do to keep from feeling
"Clean the bathroom" instead of
"Will they see me and not my house"
"I hope he misses me as much as I miss him"
Becomes "Laundry, change sheets, trash"
If I finish the list, I didn't make it long enough
If I don't, I have more to do tomorrow
"I don't feel like I'm getting anything done"
Will always turn into three or more chores
So I can prove my worth with this list
This paper thin piece of my soul
Written in pencil, or crayon, or chalkboard

What if I let myself say what is inside me?
I feel unmotivated. I've said that.
But what I mean
When I try to work
I cannot focus.
I cannot remember what I'm doing.
I cannot see a reason why it needs doing.
And I don't see life and beauty in it now.
"Make things"

I don't know how to be still.
If I sit, my mind moves faster than my hands did.
I think.
I remember every time I mispoke.
I want to cry for every time I may have been misunderstood
I hurt for every person I may have hurt unintentionally
I grieve for those I have not lost
I fear how I will die
I plan every little thing so I don't think.
"sugar. orange juice."
Two more things for the list

I do not want to do anything.
I know that I have responsibilities, chores, and obligations.
I feel no motivation to do any of those things. I keep pushing myself to do what I have to do, but beyond that... I would say I want to go back to bed, but for the past week I've had vivid dreams, none of them pleasant. They aren't extraordinarily scary, for the most part, but they are definitely on the bad side of the scale.

I keep pushing myself.

I don't want to.

I don't want to be depressed again. I don't want to feel only the neutral or negative. I keep fighting to feel something good. but I also keep pushing as a submissive, keep gently disobeying, to find some kind of reinforcement, some kind of net or wall so that I know what's going on with me will be noticed. I have emotions. I don't like them, but I can't make them go away, or the thoughts- not just the invasive thoughts of actions, but the memories. The things I can't change but with I could, the overwhelming grief for people I miss, the fear of losing the people I love.
The dirty stagnant feeling that we do so many things, but we never really do anything. I want to go to the mountains and hike places, eat new foods in new places, go to a warm beach and swim and build a sand castle and get another blister like I always do. I want these things, don't I?

Stuff

Stuff to buy once we move

10/23/16

Dog toys 

Dog treats

New glasses for Emily 

Heart shaped die cutter

Shower loofahs

Towel bar

Toothbrush holder 

Dog crate 

Printer

Rolling kitchen workstation

Shelves for garage

Shelf for kitchen

Get sela fixed 

Trash cans for random rooms - garage, offices (2), small laundry room,

More lighting

Etsy

Cable, living room

Woodworking supplies and liquids

DND Campaign notes

On our way from neverwinter to fandalin to deliver mining supplies for a dwarf miner who feels he has struck it big time, we are ambushed by... Something. Goblins? Party includes thief, wizard, and cleric.

Fight off attackers and discover a map to crag maw castle. The wizard kills one of them by ripping his dick off. Capture one of them and find out that the dwarf rockseeker and his bodyguard were captured and taken to separate locations. We are given the location with the bodyguard.
Penis Shrines. 

We camp for the night and secure the camp, before securing the wagon and heading to the hideout to rescue the bodyguard from the... goblins?

We kill pretty much everything, (penis shrines) rescue the guy who pulls a Leroy into other rooms and fights his way around, and also offers us a reward for rescuing him once we get him to town. 

We load up all the armor and weapons from the bad guys and take it all back to town and sell it. 

We sell it for a load of money due to a wildly successful charm roll. 

The Wizard, Varis, hates the bodyguard and uses magic to make him feel he has shit his pants, and making him smell bad. 

We wander around town and learn about the rockseeker guy and his two brothers and find out about various things the town is having issues with. 

Red brands

Orcs

Banshee + spell book

The black spider

Iarno albrick missing

Wizard named glasstaff 

Guy killed and his family kidnapped by red brands. Skeletons. Mirna and her two kids?

We run into and subsequently adopt a bard when having an issue with the ruffians, the red brands. We keep their cloaks. The bard makes disguises with them. 

I steal the jailer's keys. Just in case.
Also we get my lockpicks and Billy's Lute? upgraded by the local smith/woodworker/etc.

We sneak, disguised, into the front entrance of the basement/cellar/underground portion of the Trinsindar Manor (Ruins). (Which is the Red Brands Hideout).
We begin stealing provisions and end up drawing attention from a nearby room. We convince the group of redbrands that we are new, and walk back into that room with them. Then we attack! After securing the room where they were sleeping (?) we go back and explore the main room, finding a go bag hidden inside a waterproof pouch in a water cistern. We boobytrap it -perfectly- with a snare and an electric shock, so that whoever finds it will be pulled upside down above the ground but also be knocked unconscious so that they wont yell and bring the whole hideout.
We continue through into the cave portion of the underground and run into the lovely eye monster, who is very hungry and we give him a whole barrel full of rations. He gives us information. About something. He warns us that there is a rat in one of the rooms and that it is basically Glasstaff;s familiar/minion/pet/warning device.
We go down into the ravine in the cave and discover the body of the guy who was murdered by the redbrands. Also a chest, which I the rogue, heroically open. It has um... A sword (Was the sword here?)that has made our wizard increasingly paranoid as he keeps it. The bard also says he hears it grumbling faintly when he touches it.
We do more stuff.
We rescue Mirna and her kids.
We have skeletons fight other redbrands, and it's awesome.
Varis gives the kid his father's locket and tells him he's the man of the house now or something touching like that.
We disguise one of the skeletons, and have it lead the woman and her children safely back into town.
We go and rescue a goblin Droop from some um other creatures and kill those.
We go and gamble with some of the redbrands and then point out (with a little magical help) that one of them is cheating in ACES and get them all fighting each other until they either die or pass out drunk, and put them in very compromising positions, naked, and steal all their money and a book from in here (Which book?).
So we go look around the rest of the place, avoiding where I think the leader will be. We find the armory, and a belt of many pouches with is awesome, magical, and has to be attuned. I get to keep it.
Finally we go find a secret hideout to where Glasstaff/Iarno is.  We can't quite find our way past the 2nd secret entrance, and the drunnk wizard stops me from throwing the ball bearings down the stairs to try to listen for hollow spots. The wizard casts a sleep spell into the room we think he is in, and shortly after we hear a thunk. So we go in and tie up the wizard, so he can't cast any spells. And I steal his pillow and blanket.
The elf wizard intimidates the fuck out of Glasstaff wizard, and so the staff is no longer ttuned to the original owner and can be attuned by Varis. We find a letter to Iarno/Glasstaff from the black spider, proving that the black spider ordered him to kidnap/obtain the map from Rockseeker.
We go into the next room, and find out that Iarno was illegally making invisibility potions, or trying but failing to do that. And we trap the mouse-but-not-really-a-mouse in a chest. and we take iarno back to the .... sheriff (?) in town.
I return the keys stealthily as if I've discovered them on the floor.
The bodyguard (who is still there!!) has once again pooped his pants and is kind of waddling around skulking in the corner, like an embarrassed dog that knows it's done something wrong. Maybe he doesn't have another pair of pants to change into?
The important part, we get gold.

We buy things. We attune things.
We decide to go back to the bigger city. um Neverwinter.
We get attacked 6 times on the way there. But we don't take any damage and we make a lot of gold.
We go to the inn, and do things.
When we go downstairs, the guards escort us to the mayer (?) of the town's Manor, Never'ember.
He is a high elder poobah of the "We keep things safe by taking action" guild.
He offers us a house or shop in the Scar District (and high level entry position in his Warrior/Paladin DoGooder club) for killing the dragon thats in thundertree. He's never seen the dragon, but he's heard it's there, and gives us very little information considering he wants it dead.
He also asks us to kill the undead in that area, and clear out the bad stuff in the thundertree town, which has been all but abandoned since the volcano 30ish years ago.
We are going to Thundertree to find Raidoth, a druid adventurer guy who has a map (?) anyway, so we say sure, why not? We're going to loot everything up there anyway.
We discover from the people at the temple of Oghma that undead things don't like silver. SO, we spend a TON of gold to get items silvered, (Me, a deck of playing cards, adn 1000 ball bearings. Varis, Talon, his sword of paranoia) and the proceed to not use any of those things because the stuff dies too easily without it. They are Ash Zombies. From the volcano. We kill a few Twigblights and then I study one and find that they can understand us, so we give them warning, and tell them we will  not attack them if they stay out of our way. They move off, and then after we ask, they wave to show they understand us. It's awesome.
There are giant fucking spiders. Varis cuts them in half with his sword. I collect some of their spider silk for the Oghma priests to study or to use later.
We finally find the druid.
He tells me about plants, he turns into an adorable squirrel, he lends me a book about plants that is very basic because when he told me about plants I didn't understand anything he said.
Varis sits naked in a corner rubbing his sword with "holy oil" and talking to it all night. I'm really starting to worry about him.
The druid offers to come with us when we go back to wave echo cave because he knows where it is.
We go and sneak up to the place where there are guys in masks and dark cloaks hiding.
I try to draw them outside but they don't come out.
Varis tosses me into a tree nearby and i VANISH!!! from sight. Perfectly hidden.
He goes and knocks on the door while I ready my arrow in case they attack.
He goes inside and stuff.
He comes out, and gives me a BIG thumbs down with his staff. Then he turns and kills all but two of them, and knocks the leader unconscious in one fell move. The other two surrender because the wizard uses loud dragon voice and then says kneel in their faces.
The bard and cleric fall off the roof. They had decided to climb onto the building to help ambush but they kinda suck.
I superhero jump down, bow still drawn, and the guy laughs cuz i'm small.
I loot the leader and check the other bodies to make sure they are dead. They are dead.
I pick up a necklace and all the weapons. The two who surrendered, now tied up, drop their pants because their weapons are attached to them.
I convince Varis not to turn them into shrines.
We take all bodies back inside, living and otherwise.
we explore and loot the room, and also talk to the two remaining guys.
They decide they don't like dragons after all. They want to open a shop.
I offer to let them prove themselves and run the shops we plan to open when we've killed the dragon.
We find a bag of holding. And some more books.

To do. Big stuff

Write campaign so far, what has happened? 

Bathe sela

Bathe penny

Scoop dusty

Load dishwasher 

Bunches of basic cleaning

Study dnd book, my class and how it works. 

Buy milk and snacks, and half and half