We tried to get back on track with our protocols yesterday, because we didn't do them the week of the camping event, since He wanted me to make a bunch of stuff. I mean, we did a few, but the ones that got cut out completely were sex/play every day and my points system.

As he said, if we were actually following the other ones, those two wouldn't be needed. I was supposed to be guaranteed sex on Tuesday, and he wanted to do a WoW night at major's house. I told him my only issue with that was that he would come back too tired to have sex with me and that wasn't fair. He said plainly that he wouldn't stay out too late, we would finish whatever we were doing around 11, and he would be home by 12. At some point later I said that we didn't HAVE to have sex if he did all that and was still too tired, but he never answered, WHICH I INTERPRET AS 1) He didn't hear me, OR 2) Since he didn't accept those terms, we're not doing that.  So when He came home LATE last night and was letting em hug and kiss on him, and I tried to lead him to the bedroom and his answer was "you said we didn't have to have sex tonight" I EXPLODED.  I mean, WTF!!! You can't do that to someone, it's unfair and cruel and he was leading me on. If I'd known that He wasn't going to have sex with me, I wouldn't have got offline for the night to be ready for him. So I go take a shower, because I haven't had one since my physical, and he comes in and yells at me. Tells me to shut up again, which is grating on my nerves because he's using it a lot, interrupting me to "shut up" and then rants at me while I'm not allowed to talk. It's very disrespectful, and i brought that up to him last night. It's still happened twice today anyway.

He has been moody and unfair and vicious to me lately. We've had terrible fights, and I've wanted to cut. I don't know what's wrong, but something is off and it's hurting both of us.

He is unresponsive a LOT when I talk to him, and then tries to use suggestions I make but haven't committed to against me later.
He is disrespectful when we argue and puts me in unfair situations, like listening to him rant while I'm in hush, so I have to allow him to vent or disobey orders.
He is talking badly about my family, even when I ask him not to.
He is making me uncomfortable in public. I've expressed discomfort about saying derogatory things about women, that I've been very self-conscious since my physical (I don't know why, and he always goes quiet here and refuses to talk to me about it) and would very much like if he'd stop.


I hit him today.
I'm uncomfortable in public lately.
I've been getting to the screaming part of fights fast lately, even though I'm not supposed to raise my voice.
Everything about him puts me on edge or irritates me, and I don't know if something is different with him or me.

I don't know how to explain it, but the past week our fights have been worse. Everything is more personal, more attack-based instead of about the actual issue.


I hit him. I don't know what to do, because he made me apologize (which he knows is a huge issue for me) and it wasn't sincere or heartfelt- I was forced to do it! Of course I'm not going to mean it if there's a threat of punishment for not completing the task. I am sorry, but that apology wasn't worth shit. I hit him! I know that whatever punishment he comes up with will be justified, but I'm still furious. He called me a liar and told me we weren't going to my mom's on her birthday. WTF? He says i have to tell him I want to go, instead of "I'm socially obligated" --- Which WOULD BE LYING. I don't want to visit my mother, I have to. It's her birthday. That's how things work around here, y'all. And after he made me apologize for hitting him, I asked him to leave- and he left the house, not just the room. And I'm relieved!  I don't know what's wrong with me, I should be fucking worried sick, but for the first time ever, I'm fucking relieve he's not here. I don't want to fight with him, and it's been nonstop bickering for days! I know that if he was here, even if we got past this huge issue, we'd still be fighting about something. I can't get anything done, because I'm losing my mind, but I still don't regret it. I'm also glad my scissors aren't here with me.

I am sorry. I don't know why i hit him, and no matter how mad I am it shouldn't happen.  No matter what excuse, it shouldn't.