Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
June 29 2013
We got paid today. So, we went grocery shopping $125, out to eat (yuck) $45, and splurged a bit $50 (legos - happy un-birthday Timmy!) Also had to buy gas for the car $40 and paper products from walmart$40.
It was a productive day though. We built a huge lego Hobbit thing, and had a lot of fun.
I realized i'm pretty emotional the past few days. I think my 2+ week period is getting to me. And maybe it's the pills, maybe I'm feeling a little unrestrained, i don't know. I've been having trouble that i wasn't having before with our protocols. No clue what it is, though. Bedtimes are going much more smoothly. He slept with me last night and it was great. Anyway, while we were grocery shopping i asked Him to make me feel prettier because I felt really undesirable suddenly while we were there, and after a hug and some nice words, and lots of things that he snuck into the cart for me, i felt very loved and much better about myself. No sex tonight though, but i still feel better. I absolutely have to do my essay tomorrow! It's very important to me.
My rogue is level 90 today.
Lace came out and ate blueberries out of our dog bowl. she's been out a lot today.
I keep feeling like i'm forgetting something but i can't figure out what. now i'm going to go play woW a bit before bed.
I'm making spaghetti sauce tomorrow :)
It was a productive day though. We built a huge lego Hobbit thing, and had a lot of fun.
I realized i'm pretty emotional the past few days. I think my 2+ week period is getting to me. And maybe it's the pills, maybe I'm feeling a little unrestrained, i don't know. I've been having trouble that i wasn't having before with our protocols. No clue what it is, though. Bedtimes are going much more smoothly. He slept with me last night and it was great. Anyway, while we were grocery shopping i asked Him to make me feel prettier because I felt really undesirable suddenly while we were there, and after a hug and some nice words, and lots of things that he snuck into the cart for me, i felt very loved and much better about myself. No sex tonight though, but i still feel better. I absolutely have to do my essay tomorrow! It's very important to me.
My rogue is level 90 today.
Lace came out and ate blueberries out of our dog bowl. she's been out a lot today.
I keep feeling like i'm forgetting something but i can't figure out what. now i'm going to go play woW a bit before bed.
I'm making spaghetti sauce tomorrow :)
June 28
I'm really tired.
Missed blogging yesterday. We both slept late and went out to eat (mall) and master had a headache and timmy played with legos and we had SEX SEXSEX and uberlicious nipple torture and then passed out and woke up in each others' arms at 3 in the morning and i am happppppy and sore and tired. And hood and duct tape and fuckingness.
^ that was last night.
Today, I hit 89 on my rogue, have 3 bars to 90, and got 2 rares. A twilight fiendling and a highlands turkey named Timmay. He woke up late today, and we've just been sorta vegging since.
Meant to work on my essay today and yesterday but i haven't on either.
I keep putting off my protocols and rules, and i can usually get away with it because we're being so lazy. If I don't push us both, we don't do anything. And so I know if I don't push us, i won't get in trouble. It's not very motivating. In fact, I can't get in trouble for waking up late, because I wake up first. If i wake up late.... no one notices. I'm not saying that i have, it's just that I'm not staying on top of my responsibilities, I am sliding a bit.
Also, i'm still bleeding at the end of week 2 on birth control. Out of pads. This sucks.
Yesterday was the first day i didn't have permission to skip blogging.
Oh yeah, the day before we went to Kit's house. He wanted to brag on his stereo system and stuff. well. His computer stuff. It was super loud and too-shiny. It suits him, but it isn't really that impressive to me, because it wasn't practical really.
I've been bouncing back and forth on my projects. Master wants a whip he can play with every day and practice with, so i'm trying to make Him one. I've been working on it today and yesterday. So far it has a wood handle and two cores, but i haven't added the outside yet. My other project is supposed to be a whip that looks like a flower, but i'm not too happy/sure about it yet. I've made a few prototypes, but no actual start on a whip. The colors I want to use and so on are the wrong thickness and softness for a whip so it's a lot frustrating. To make a long one like Master wants I need more of the other type of leather and i don't think i have any that's longer. So i'm avoiding it a little.
Missed blogging yesterday. We both slept late and went out to eat (mall) and master had a headache and timmy played with legos and we had SEX SEXSEX and uberlicious nipple torture and then passed out and woke up in each others' arms at 3 in the morning and i am happppppy and sore and tired. And hood and duct tape and fuckingness.
^ that was last night.
Today, I hit 89 on my rogue, have 3 bars to 90, and got 2 rares. A twilight fiendling and a highlands turkey named Timmay. He woke up late today, and we've just been sorta vegging since.
Meant to work on my essay today and yesterday but i haven't on either.
I keep putting off my protocols and rules, and i can usually get away with it because we're being so lazy. If I don't push us both, we don't do anything. And so I know if I don't push us, i won't get in trouble. It's not very motivating. In fact, I can't get in trouble for waking up late, because I wake up first. If i wake up late.... no one notices. I'm not saying that i have, it's just that I'm not staying on top of my responsibilities, I am sliding a bit.
Also, i'm still bleeding at the end of week 2 on birth control. Out of pads. This sucks.
Yesterday was the first day i didn't have permission to skip blogging.
Oh yeah, the day before we went to Kit's house. He wanted to brag on his stereo system and stuff. well. His computer stuff. It was super loud and too-shiny. It suits him, but it isn't really that impressive to me, because it wasn't practical really.
I've been bouncing back and forth on my projects. Master wants a whip he can play with every day and practice with, so i'm trying to make Him one. I've been working on it today and yesterday. So far it has a wood handle and two cores, but i haven't added the outside yet. My other project is supposed to be a whip that looks like a flower, but i'm not too happy/sure about it yet. I've made a few prototypes, but no actual start on a whip. The colors I want to use and so on are the wrong thickness and softness for a whip so it's a lot frustrating. To make a long one like Master wants I need more of the other type of leather and i don't think i have any that's longer. So i'm avoiding it a little.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
"Don't worry about it" June 25
We had sex this morning. After I was the cuminit, he became the cumONit. I was sitting in his lap after ward, and everythign just sort of oozed out back onto his dick. It was pretty funny. I don't remember much else of it.
But what I had tonight with Mikkal was just as good as the sex, and meant more to me than the sex this morning did. We played, and I'm covered in red sharpy and bite marks, all raised and yummy like that. I keep saying sex because when i started to write about it, i forgot that we DIDN'T have sex at this time. Because it was THAT GOOD. I love you so much, Mikkal. -Phiar
I have 2 Rare qiraji guardlings now.
Exhausted, but we did our protocols today and i think we're going to stick with them for a long time.
Pork chops. they were nommilicious, but lets not buy them from save-a-lot anymore. The hamburger was great though. From there.
But what I had tonight with Mikkal was just as good as the sex, and meant more to me than the sex this morning did. We played, and I'm covered in red sharpy and bite marks, all raised and yummy like that. I keep saying sex because when i started to write about it, i forgot that we DIDN'T have sex at this time. Because it was THAT GOOD. I love you so much, Mikkal. -Phiar
I have 2 Rare qiraji guardlings now.
Exhausted, but we did our protocols today and i think we're going to stick with them for a long time.
Pork chops. they were nommilicious, but lets not buy them from save-a-lot anymore. The hamburger was great though. From there.
Monday, June 24, 2013
June 23rd full moon
saw tom yesterday, had permission not to blog or something. he's really good with chainmail. crazy good.
Today I worked my ass off on my chores and projects and assignments, rewarded only by my mind rushing 100 different directions at once, torn by projects and ideas and fears and frustrations and carrying the knowledge that tomorrow I have to pull it all together because I know that what is coming will be difficult for my Master.
I cannot take off my collar tonight. I need it.
Today I worked my ass off on my chores and projects and assignments, rewarded only by my mind rushing 100 different directions at once, torn by projects and ideas and fears and frustrations and carrying the knowledge that tomorrow I have to pull it all together because I know that what is coming will be difficult for my Master.
I cannot take off my collar tonight. I need it.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Essay: Scene Prep
Scene preparation
After having agreed to scene with someone, the very first thing you should do to prepare for that scene is to do negotiations. in this conversation, the bottom and top discuss and decide together what will go on during the scene. This includes what type of play will go on, any health or safety issues that need to be discussed, hard limits of either party, what safeword will be used, and other things that either party may need or want to fulfill their desires for the scene. Once all the talking is taken care of and boundaries are established, both (or all) parties begin to work setting up and preparing for the scene.
Cleaning should be done in whatever area the scene is to take place in. It is important to have a safe and clean area to play in to help both parties maintain the headspace for play. This could mean vacuuming or sterilizing your equipment, whichever applies to the situation. Dungeon furniture should be moved into place if it is going to be used. All toys and necessary safety equipment should be laid out. Aftercare supplies should be ready or close on hand as well. The bottom should dress in comfortable, easy to remove, and scene-appropriate clothing, and maybe even pack a change of clothes just in case. All general hygiene should be taken care of, as that is just common courtesy to the other person. If possible, the area should be clear of loud conversations and people for the beginning of the scene. Turn on music if there isn't already dungeon music playing (if desired).
Once (or while) all of the physical preparations are taken care of, the Top and bottom then have to get into the frame of mind to play. This could be a ritual the Top performs, for example laying out all of the toys, or playing with one of them before the scene, or even talking to the bottom for a few minutes prior to the scene, or double-checking safety equipment. For the bottom, this could be walking around, or sitting quietly for a few minutes before the scene starts, or stretching, or looking over the Top's toys and taking a deep breath. Once both people are ready, play can begin.
After having agreed to scene with someone, the very first thing you should do to prepare for that scene is to do negotiations. in this conversation, the bottom and top discuss and decide together what will go on during the scene. This includes what type of play will go on, any health or safety issues that need to be discussed, hard limits of either party, what safeword will be used, and other things that either party may need or want to fulfill their desires for the scene. Once all the talking is taken care of and boundaries are established, both (or all) parties begin to work setting up and preparing for the scene.
Cleaning should be done in whatever area the scene is to take place in. It is important to have a safe and clean area to play in to help both parties maintain the headspace for play. This could mean vacuuming or sterilizing your equipment, whichever applies to the situation. Dungeon furniture should be moved into place if it is going to be used. All toys and necessary safety equipment should be laid out. Aftercare supplies should be ready or close on hand as well. The bottom should dress in comfortable, easy to remove, and scene-appropriate clothing, and maybe even pack a change of clothes just in case. All general hygiene should be taken care of, as that is just common courtesy to the other person. If possible, the area should be clear of loud conversations and people for the beginning of the scene. Turn on music if there isn't already dungeon music playing (if desired).
Once (or while) all of the physical preparations are taken care of, the Top and bottom then have to get into the frame of mind to play. This could be a ritual the Top performs, for example laying out all of the toys, or playing with one of them before the scene, or even talking to the bottom for a few minutes prior to the scene, or double-checking safety equipment. For the bottom, this could be walking around, or sitting quietly for a few minutes before the scene starts, or stretching, or looking over the Top's toys and taking a deep breath. Once both people are ready, play can begin.
Choosing a play partner
There are a lot of different types of play, and many different types of people, each with their own style. When choosing a play partner, it is important to establish clear boundaries to avoid confusion later. If you want to play with someone, but don't know that the only type of play they do is watersports, you may not be able to handle what you've just agreed to. Some basic things that are pretty much common sense would be that you be comfortable with the person, maybe even have some sort of chemistry. If you want to play with someone because they have a good reputation, but you think they're the dumbest person you've ever met, the scene probably isn't going to go very well. You shouldn't play with someone just because they want you to, it is important that you play because you want to. This can vastly affect your perception on that type of play later, as well as how the scene turns out. If you feel that this person won't respect your boundaries or limits, do not play with them.
So, you should ask:
Type of Play. Not everyone plays the same way, and many don't play how you would expect. Even if someone makes candles for play, they may be into heavy flogging. Make sure that the person you want to play with has experience and is willing to do (or try [if you don't mind the risk of mistakes]) the type of play you're interested in.
Experience Level. For some types of play, this isn't as important. Trying a wax scene with someone who hasn't done it before is fairly safe, as long as they have the sense not to light your hair on fire and/or the scene takes place in a supervised area. For types of play that has higher risk, they need to have experience doing it. A suspension done by someone who can't tie their own shoes could end in disaster. A way around this, would be to have a co-top for the scene, someone who does have a lot of experience in that type of play and could teach the other person what to do, and how to handle the situation if something goes wrong.
For References. When deciding whether or not you want to play with someone, the most important thing you can do is ask someone who has played with that person about their experience. If they had fun, find out why. If they didn't like it, ask about that as well. It may be that they didn't like it because the person was playing "too soft" and that may be exactly what you want from a scene. It is also a good idea to see them play with someone else before you agree to play with them. When speaking with their references, also make sure that the other person played safely. If the person has played in an unsafe way, don't play with them unless you can guarantee that it won't happen again. Do they admit to it? Has it happened more than once, or was it a mistake that they've taken steps to correct (such as a faulty technique, rather than something malicious)? Not only do you want to know what others think of their play, you also want to know how well they are known in the local community. If this person has never been to a group event, and you've never met the person you're getting references from, you should step away completely. If they are known by several local group leaders, and are active in the community, they have more reason to play safely.
Where? Will anyone else be there? Can I Bring a Friend to Make Sure I'm safe? If you have to ask the last question, you shouldn't play with them in a private setting. You should know this person well enough that you can trust them not to put you in a bad situation. If you plan on sleeping with this person and you have in the past, then obviously a private setting may be appropriate in that situation. Also, if there is nowhere to play but their house, it's hard to require that they provide a semi-public play space. It can be a little frightening to play for the first time in a public place, but the more people there are around you, the more people can help if something goes wrong, or if you feel that your boundaries have been crossed.
If the scene ends well, you may want to play with this person again. Wait a few days before making this decision. At that point, you can talk about being play partners on long-term/regular basis. This does not mean that you cannot play with other people. You can have as many play partners as you feel comfortable with. If your play partner is uncomfortable with sharing, this may need to be addressed. Some are, and if you are not in a D/s relationship together, it may be better for both of you (and save a lot of drama later) if you don't become play partners. You will want to discuss how often you will play with each other, new things you might like to try, and talk about travel arrangements if the person isn't local.
Most of this information can be used by tops as well with a little change in wording.
So, you should ask:
Type of Play. Not everyone plays the same way, and many don't play how you would expect. Even if someone makes candles for play, they may be into heavy flogging. Make sure that the person you want to play with has experience and is willing to do (or try [if you don't mind the risk of mistakes]) the type of play you're interested in.
Experience Level. For some types of play, this isn't as important. Trying a wax scene with someone who hasn't done it before is fairly safe, as long as they have the sense not to light your hair on fire and/or the scene takes place in a supervised area. For types of play that has higher risk, they need to have experience doing it. A suspension done by someone who can't tie their own shoes could end in disaster. A way around this, would be to have a co-top for the scene, someone who does have a lot of experience in that type of play and could teach the other person what to do, and how to handle the situation if something goes wrong.
For References. When deciding whether or not you want to play with someone, the most important thing you can do is ask someone who has played with that person about their experience. If they had fun, find out why. If they didn't like it, ask about that as well. It may be that they didn't like it because the person was playing "too soft" and that may be exactly what you want from a scene. It is also a good idea to see them play with someone else before you agree to play with them. When speaking with their references, also make sure that the other person played safely. If the person has played in an unsafe way, don't play with them unless you can guarantee that it won't happen again. Do they admit to it? Has it happened more than once, or was it a mistake that they've taken steps to correct (such as a faulty technique, rather than something malicious)? Not only do you want to know what others think of their play, you also want to know how well they are known in the local community. If this person has never been to a group event, and you've never met the person you're getting references from, you should step away completely. If they are known by several local group leaders, and are active in the community, they have more reason to play safely.
Where? Will anyone else be there? Can I Bring a Friend to Make Sure I'm safe? If you have to ask the last question, you shouldn't play with them in a private setting. You should know this person well enough that you can trust them not to put you in a bad situation. If you plan on sleeping with this person and you have in the past, then obviously a private setting may be appropriate in that situation. Also, if there is nowhere to play but their house, it's hard to require that they provide a semi-public play space. It can be a little frightening to play for the first time in a public place, but the more people there are around you, the more people can help if something goes wrong, or if you feel that your boundaries have been crossed.
If the scene ends well, you may want to play with this person again. Wait a few days before making this decision. At that point, you can talk about being play partners on long-term/regular basis. This does not mean that you cannot play with other people. You can have as many play partners as you feel comfortable with. If your play partner is uncomfortable with sharing, this may need to be addressed. Some are, and if you are not in a D/s relationship together, it may be better for both of you (and save a lot of drama later) if you don't become play partners. You will want to discuss how often you will play with each other, new things you might like to try, and talk about travel arrangements if the person isn't local.
Most of this information can be used by tops as well with a little change in wording.
Friday, June 21, 2013
June 21, 2013
I just finished writing 50 lines of, "I am not allowed to wear pants at home when in regular uniform." I forgot to take off my pants for about an hour after walking the dogs. (And when I got home from going out with Master.)
I still have to make something today, and I'm not sure what it's going to be yet. I may start or finish a flogger. I'd like to use the sewing machine, but I think that my project wouldn't end up very well if I did that. i need more time if I'm going to try to make a purse. I really only have about an hour, which would be about the right time to measure a flogger and cut the falls, which Master said would count as a project, since making a flogger is a sort of long process.
He bought me a collar today. We retired my old on, He told me today that it smelled metal-ly so I needed a new one. I've needed a new one for a while, but I've been wearing one we had around the house that a friend made a while back.
Things I want to make:
A purse
A flogger
A leather Teddy Bear, a patchwork multi-color one.
A "whip" but made to look like a flower, with leaves coming out between some of the braids, and with a flower at the end and the stamen (pollen tube thing) being the cracker. I think that would take at least 2 days though.
I need to finish the cigar box, but I need some small hinges to put on the lid.
Or maybe something with bottle caps.
I really wanted to have sex today, but He told me no.
We're not having mast tomorrow, we cancelled. But we're doing the voting on membership over the phone, and I guess we'll come up with a good topic for next month. Major wants to do a how to make a quick-whip session. It doesn't seeem very Mast-ly though to me.
I'm really tired.
OK, time to go work on my project. i'll post a picture when i'm done.
I still have to make something today, and I'm not sure what it's going to be yet. I may start or finish a flogger. I'd like to use the sewing machine, but I think that my project wouldn't end up very well if I did that. i need more time if I'm going to try to make a purse. I really only have about an hour, which would be about the right time to measure a flogger and cut the falls, which Master said would count as a project, since making a flogger is a sort of long process.
He bought me a collar today. We retired my old on, He told me today that it smelled metal-ly so I needed a new one. I've needed a new one for a while, but I've been wearing one we had around the house that a friend made a while back.
Things I want to make:
A purse
A flogger
A leather Teddy Bear, a patchwork multi-color one.
A "whip" but made to look like a flower, with leaves coming out between some of the braids, and with a flower at the end and the stamen (pollen tube thing) being the cracker. I think that would take at least 2 days though.
I need to finish the cigar box, but I need some small hinges to put on the lid.
Or maybe something with bottle caps.
I really wanted to have sex today, but He told me no.
We're not having mast tomorrow, we cancelled. But we're doing the voting on membership over the phone, and I guess we'll come up with a good topic for next month. Major wants to do a how to make a quick-whip session. It doesn't seeem very Mast-ly though to me.
I'm really tired.
OK, time to go work on my project. i'll post a picture when i'm done.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Thursday June 20 2013 CUMINIT
Since we played WoW all day or a lot of it yesterday, I ended up going to bed late (Waiting on Master to get home from Major's house) so I was restricted to my room until 11:30 instead of 9:00 AM.
and i woke up early. -pout-
I made BLT sandwiches though! With fresh bacon YUM YUM YUM. It was awesome.
But I spent about 4 hours on my project today. It was my first attempt at an 8-plait whip. Also my first attempt at making a whip out of separate pieces and not 1 piece spread into several strips. Like most of my first attempts, I hate it a lot. There are some good things and some bad things, I just wish that the bad things weren't so difficult to fix.
and i woke up early. -pout-
I made BLT sandwiches though! With fresh bacon YUM YUM YUM. It was awesome.
But I spent about 4 hours on my project today. It was my first attempt at an 8-plait whip. Also my first attempt at making a whip out of separate pieces and not 1 piece spread into several strips. Like most of my first attempts, I hate it a lot. There are some good things and some bad things, I just wish that the bad things weren't so difficult to fix.
The main reason I haven't finished the ends is because I'm not sure exactly how I want to finish the top/handle, and because I've been trying and have no clue how to finish the tip/bottom.
Even with the flaws I still am decently proud of it.
\\
We had sex today. It was the first time since I've been on birth control (The first day I haven't been hurting too much to have sex) and it was awesome as predicted. He used clothespins, and somehow during the very middle of sex, Lace switched out, and he knew it almost immediately. We did doggy style, and it was really nice, and the snap/doll thing, but the best part was when He got to cum inside me. I begged for it, because it's just as important to me as it is to Him. The more I begged, the closer I got, too. I think being able to have sex without a condom is going to help me relax and enjoy sex more.
I like being my Daddy's little CumInIt
It makes me very happy.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
June 19 2013
So the PMS is kicking in. My camera has decided to shut off on me 3 times today. But I don't have a "new" pack of batteries currently, I have a bag of batteries that should be good though. And it keeps going out on me. I think I've found a good set this time though, because I'm downloading my pictures to my computer and it hasn't shut down on me yet.
OK, it's been a while, so ... Updates!
I'm finally on birth control! I started taking it last Sunday and was horribly sick for a few days. But I went to the doctor and got my prescription for birth control and flonase, which has helped my allergies.
We sent in the paperwork to help our credit, and should hear back about that in a month or so.
Carly should be here sometime in July. We've really been working hard to get the house ready for her. Cleaning, and working on protocols and all kinds of stuff.
We've been looking at houses to BUY instead of rent and we're both really praying about it.
I found out that my sewing machine is the only thing in the house that works BETTER when I am screaming at it. I spent way too long trying to sew 3 straight lines on one piece of leather. It cut through the leather the first time (no lie) instead of sewing it together, it bunched up, or would change the shape or togetherness of the leather twice, and then it broke and made a knot too. I finally got it together and then broke a snap (which is always EASY for me now that I have that thing Tom gave me for my birthday) trying to add a snap to close my little business-card pouch. (Date is wrong, I made this today, the 19th, not the 18th)
I took apart, cleaned, and sanded our bedside table (And I put it back together, too!) last weekend. It looks pretty awesome, it was painted red before it was painted black, so sanding it pulled a lot of the red up to the surface. I'm pretty proud of it.
I got a drill for my birthday, and a flashlight. And drill bits. (From my family, after my mom's birthday.)
I made my niece Savanah a pink rocker-style skirt for her birthday.
And I have Business Cards!
And after our Tuesday Evaluation and Maintenance DAY, we're getting back on track with my protocols and there are set punishments for not finishing my protocols on time as of today. It's been working out well today, and I am pretty excited to see how it grows and works for us. It also seems like something that will be applied easily to Carly when she gets here.
OK, it's been a while, so ... Updates!
I'm finally on birth control! I started taking it last Sunday and was horribly sick for a few days. But I went to the doctor and got my prescription for birth control and flonase, which has helped my allergies.
We sent in the paperwork to help our credit, and should hear back about that in a month or so.
Carly should be here sometime in July. We've really been working hard to get the house ready for her. Cleaning, and working on protocols and all kinds of stuff.
We've been looking at houses to BUY instead of rent and we're both really praying about it.
I got a drill for my birthday, and a flashlight. And drill bits. (From my family, after my mom's birthday.)
I made my niece Savanah a pink rocker-style skirt for her birthday.
And after our Tuesday Evaluation and Maintenance DAY, we're getting back on track with my protocols and there are set punishments for not finishing my protocols on time as of today. It's been working out well today, and I am pretty excited to see how it grows and works for us. It also seems like something that will be applied easily to Carly when she gets here.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
6/10 from phone. never published
Need to get what documents carly needs before she leaves texas. Copy of birth certificate etc for license.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Flea market?
I know Im not supposed to come out before 9:30 but i want to go to the flea market!
:)
and eat cereal.
:)
and eat cereal.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
We tried to get back on track with our protocols yesterday, because we didn't do them the week of the camping event, since He wanted me to make a bunch of stuff. I mean, we did a few, but the ones that got cut out completely were sex/play every day and my points system.
As he said, if we were actually following the other ones, those two wouldn't be needed. I was supposed to be guaranteed sex on Tuesday, and he wanted to do a WoW night at major's house. I told him my only issue with that was that he would come back too tired to have sex with me and that wasn't fair. He said plainly that he wouldn't stay out too late, we would finish whatever we were doing around 11, and he would be home by 12. At some point later I said that we didn't HAVE to have sex if he did all that and was still too tired, but he never answered, WHICH I INTERPRET AS 1) He didn't hear me, OR 2) Since he didn't accept those terms, we're not doing that. So when He came home LATE last night and was letting em hug and kiss on him, and I tried to lead him to the bedroom and his answer was "you said we didn't have to have sex tonight" I EXPLODED. I mean, WTF!!! You can't do that to someone, it's unfair and cruel and he was leading me on. If I'd known that He wasn't going to have sex with me, I wouldn't have got offline for the night to be ready for him. So I go take a shower, because I haven't had one since my physical, and he comes in and yells at me. Tells me to shut up again, which is grating on my nerves because he's using it a lot, interrupting me to "shut up" and then rants at me while I'm not allowed to talk. It's very disrespectful, and i brought that up to him last night. It's still happened twice today anyway.
He has been moody and unfair and vicious to me lately. We've had terrible fights, and I've wanted to cut. I don't know what's wrong, but something is off and it's hurting both of us.
He is unresponsive a LOT when I talk to him, and then tries to use suggestions I make but haven't committed to against me later.
He is disrespectful when we argue and puts me in unfair situations, like listening to him rant while I'm in hush, so I have to allow him to vent or disobey orders.
He is talking badly about my family, even when I ask him not to.
He is making me uncomfortable in public. I've expressed discomfort about saying derogatory things about women, that I've been very self-conscious since my physical (I don't know why, and he always goes quiet here and refuses to talk to me about it) and would very much like if he'd stop.
I hit him today.
I'm uncomfortable in public lately.
I've been getting to the screaming part of fights fast lately, even though I'm not supposed to raise my voice.
Everything about him puts me on edge or irritates me, and I don't know if something is different with him or me.
I don't know how to explain it, but the past week our fights have been worse. Everything is more personal, more attack-based instead of about the actual issue.
I hit him. I don't know what to do, because he made me apologize (which he knows is a huge issue for me) and it wasn't sincere or heartfelt- I was forced to do it! Of course I'm not going to mean it if there's a threat of punishment for not completing the task. I am sorry, but that apology wasn't worth shit. I hit him! I know that whatever punishment he comes up with will be justified, but I'm still furious. He called me a liar and told me we weren't going to my mom's on her birthday. WTF? He says i have to tell him I want to go, instead of "I'm socially obligated" --- Which WOULD BE LYING. I don't want to visit my mother, I have to. It's her birthday. That's how things work around here, y'all. And after he made me apologize for hitting him, I asked him to leave- and he left the house, not just the room. And I'm relieved! I don't know what's wrong with me, I should be fucking worried sick, but for the first time ever, I'm fucking relieve he's not here. I don't want to fight with him, and it's been nonstop bickering for days! I know that if he was here, even if we got past this huge issue, we'd still be fighting about something. I can't get anything done, because I'm losing my mind, but I still don't regret it. I'm also glad my scissors aren't here with me.
I am sorry. I don't know why i hit him, and no matter how mad I am it shouldn't happen. No matter what excuse, it shouldn't.
As he said, if we were actually following the other ones, those two wouldn't be needed. I was supposed to be guaranteed sex on Tuesday, and he wanted to do a WoW night at major's house. I told him my only issue with that was that he would come back too tired to have sex with me and that wasn't fair. He said plainly that he wouldn't stay out too late, we would finish whatever we were doing around 11, and he would be home by 12. At some point later I said that we didn't HAVE to have sex if he did all that and was still too tired, but he never answered, WHICH I INTERPRET AS 1) He didn't hear me, OR 2) Since he didn't accept those terms, we're not doing that. So when He came home LATE last night and was letting em hug and kiss on him, and I tried to lead him to the bedroom and his answer was "you said we didn't have to have sex tonight" I EXPLODED. I mean, WTF!!! You can't do that to someone, it's unfair and cruel and he was leading me on. If I'd known that He wasn't going to have sex with me, I wouldn't have got offline for the night to be ready for him. So I go take a shower, because I haven't had one since my physical, and he comes in and yells at me. Tells me to shut up again, which is grating on my nerves because he's using it a lot, interrupting me to "shut up" and then rants at me while I'm not allowed to talk. It's very disrespectful, and i brought that up to him last night. It's still happened twice today anyway.
He has been moody and unfair and vicious to me lately. We've had terrible fights, and I've wanted to cut. I don't know what's wrong, but something is off and it's hurting both of us.
He is unresponsive a LOT when I talk to him, and then tries to use suggestions I make but haven't committed to against me later.
He is disrespectful when we argue and puts me in unfair situations, like listening to him rant while I'm in hush, so I have to allow him to vent or disobey orders.
He is talking badly about my family, even when I ask him not to.
He is making me uncomfortable in public. I've expressed discomfort about saying derogatory things about women, that I've been very self-conscious since my physical (I don't know why, and he always goes quiet here and refuses to talk to me about it) and would very much like if he'd stop.
I hit him today.
I'm uncomfortable in public lately.
I've been getting to the screaming part of fights fast lately, even though I'm not supposed to raise my voice.
Everything about him puts me on edge or irritates me, and I don't know if something is different with him or me.
I don't know how to explain it, but the past week our fights have been worse. Everything is more personal, more attack-based instead of about the actual issue.
I hit him. I don't know what to do, because he made me apologize (which he knows is a huge issue for me) and it wasn't sincere or heartfelt- I was forced to do it! Of course I'm not going to mean it if there's a threat of punishment for not completing the task. I am sorry, but that apology wasn't worth shit. I hit him! I know that whatever punishment he comes up with will be justified, but I'm still furious. He called me a liar and told me we weren't going to my mom's on her birthday. WTF? He says i have to tell him I want to go, instead of "I'm socially obligated" --- Which WOULD BE LYING. I don't want to visit my mother, I have to. It's her birthday. That's how things work around here, y'all. And after he made me apologize for hitting him, I asked him to leave- and he left the house, not just the room. And I'm relieved! I don't know what's wrong with me, I should be fucking worried sick, but for the first time ever, I'm fucking relieve he's not here. I don't want to fight with him, and it's been nonstop bickering for days! I know that if he was here, even if we got past this huge issue, we'd still be fighting about something. I can't get anything done, because I'm losing my mind, but I still don't regret it. I'm also glad my scissors aren't here with me.
I am sorry. I don't know why i hit him, and no matter how mad I am it shouldn't happen. No matter what excuse, it shouldn't.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Had my first paps smear today. Starting birth control #3, I should be able to stay on it long term this time. I actually let them do the finger prick and it was alright. I was able to do it and didn't need Master to come help me through it. I'm also going to start flonase.
I did really well vending and had a lot of fun at the camping thingy. i got 3 ticks on me while I was there but only one bit me and dug in, so it wasn't horrible. Also, i made money vending, which was great! Master and i played there, not impact, just tying stuff and it was fun, a little nerve racking for me, but really fun.
And today, I am basically doing nothing else until we shop for groceries. I've been making leather toys for a week straight and I am spent! I'm going to play wow and maybe take a nap.
:)
I did really well vending and had a lot of fun at the camping thingy. i got 3 ticks on me while I was there but only one bit me and dug in, so it wasn't horrible. Also, i made money vending, which was great! Master and i played there, not impact, just tying stuff and it was fun, a little nerve racking for me, but really fun.
And today, I am basically doing nothing else until we shop for groceries. I've been making leather toys for a week straight and I am spent! I'm going to play wow and maybe take a nap.
:)
Sunday, June 2, 2013
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